prettygoodyear | Entries tagged with life

Work consumes most of my time. I read DW daily, but often find a lack of energy to reply, or post something myself. For those on my f-list: I read you, and hopefully I'll respond to all of you some more from now on.

Work is going alright, last week was especially a good week. But my house is a mess, because I just don't find the energy to do a big clean, I feel like I'm wasting my precious time with it during the weekend, which is already too short.
My eldest niece asked my parents the other day when I was coming with them again to babysit. Broke my heart and it is indeed something I miss. I used to babysit once in a while on mondays, but since I work now, that's not been possible.
I also just miss an extra break from time to time. Sometimes it would be nice to have an extra day off, just to get things ordered again.

I also had a bladder infection, yet again. All in all lasted a good month, just like last time. Got 2 types of antibiotics, first one the same as last time, which didn't work then either. But the tests they did said I should be responding to it. I didn't. It seems to be gone now though and I hope it is, because in the end I was just tired all the time and just not feeling too well.

The final three weeks before the x-mas break is nearing, and I am looking forward to the holidays. I ♥︎ christmas, not even the festive itself, but just the feeling of it, the music, etc...

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/280053.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Mood:: busy

Tags:

...and then I'll have my life back for a week. Working fulltime is going alright, but I miss me-time. I miss the quiet, the freedom, the long weekends. I have to be on all the time, and I feel that I get lost, I'm not as in touch with myself as I used to be. I understand now how people see their job as an escape, because you have to focus on only just that, but it's not for me. I am someone who enjoys the little things the most: the skies, sunshine, staring into the distance, doing nothing etc...I miss that now. Weekends are too short to really get back to that, I haven't read a book in weeks, which sucks, but I just can't even focus on anything much, except watching TV or surf the web. My world feels very limited: it's work, work, work now. Even when it's weekend, it's still in my head and I need time to adjust from it all and by the time I do that, I have to get ready for work again.

I don't want to sound like a debby downer here, because this is just an experience and it doesn't have to be till forever, but I just had no idea what an impact this would have on my life. I just realize that teaching, or any job I think, won't give the life fulfillment pleasure other people get from it. I am really happiest when I am outside, in nature having all the freedom in the world. That is what really defines me. That's when I feel most alive. And right now, having worked 6 weeks fulltime, I feel detached from myself and it's not a nice feeling.

Three more weeks though, and then it's Autumn break.

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/278751.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Mood:: restless

Tags:

Last Friday I went to Amsterdam to visit Waterstones. I was in need of an English bookshop and was also in need of books. Blame Goodreads for the need for more books. I spent a good hour in Waterstones and bought 6 books. Also went into the American Book Centre and managed to find another book. It was a good day.

Lately all I want to do is read, watch TV shows on my laptop and nothing else. I know I'm blessed with a fortunate life: no illness, a wonderful family, a job, a home etc....No real money issues whatsoever etc...etc...And knowing I should be blissful, makes it all even harder to just say: I am not doing okay. I feel like I have no legit reason for it. I have a terrible amount of guilt inside of me for feeling this way. I want to apologise and I keep on going, but my heart is no longer in it. Not in my job, not in a lot of things. Spending time with my nieces brings me true joy. Reading, watching TV shows calm me down so much. Work stresses me out. The big 4 day school festival (which is actually only 2,5 hours, but takes so long to set up, build and restore) is stressing me out. Up to the point I have no idea anymore how to actually just deal with it. Life is stressing me out, just because 'this is it'. I can't even describe it well and I feel like I sound like a spoiled little brat. And so I often keep quiet and show my happy face. But I don't feel like it. I ignore my colleagues, I don't do my job as well as I should. I feel like I shouldn't complain if I don't take any actions, while at the same time I have no idea where to start, what to do.

I make no sense, but I had to get it off my chest somewhere.

To end on a positive note: my youngest niece turned 1 yesterday. Amazing. And I love her so much, she looks a lot like me a lot of times (quiet, observing and she even got my looks) and she's just a sweetheart and just amazingly wonderful.

( Pics this way... ) This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/250638.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Mood:: weird

Tags:

family,
life

Ever since this weekend, nothing seems to make sense anymore. Everything feels different, weird, off. I am constantly feeling my soul/spirit isn't connected to my body. I feel I'm not connected to the world. I have a constant panic rushing through my body, I feel empty. Sometimes it feels like my head is about to explode, other times I'm freaked out about stupid things. I didn't feel any real emotions when I visited my sister and niece, everything felt rushed. I've been in a rush since Saturday and I don't think it stopped? I can't put my finger on my feelings, I just know it sucks. I don't know what happened to me all of sudden, hate to be in this feeling though, not knowing how to make it go away.

Mood:: cranky

Tags:

It would be nice if I would be able to be just okay with myself. Not always get so upset with myself, or angry. Not always notice everything I do wrong, or could have done differently, but compliment myself. Not constantly judge myself. Be proud of myself. Happy with myself. If even I can't love myself, then who will?

What makes it so much harder is that I often have no clue whatsoever what really defines me and that when I try to figure it out, there are millions of voices inside my head all saying something else, all trying to be heard. Maybe acceptance of myself is the first step? No matter what happens, allow it to happen, be okay with it and not reflect on it too much in a negative way? I really want to be okay with myself, no matter what. I think it would make my life so much more pleasant.

Mood:: pensive

Tags:

Just one of days in which I feel ignored and just stupid. Some people seem to always get all the love and I so often need to fight for it so hard. Just really feeling sorry for myself tonight. Will pass. But yeah...evenings like these I wonder what the fuck I always do wrong though...

Mood:: jealous

Tags:

Three more weeks and then another school year will come to an end. Last week went on school camp for 2 nights. It were the hottests days of the year so far, but at least it meant no rain. Well, we got some rain on our final night and departure, but the rest was just hot, humid and sunny. We stayed in town this year, which actually felt so much better. I don’t even know why.

Also got stung loads of times. I still have no idea if they were mosquito bites or not fact, but fact is, I now have an amazing rash on my leg that still itches. Allergy reaction, or…? Might go and see a doctor next week if things are still the same. Though I’d rather not, because usually he just tells me it’s nothing.

Life in general right now is complex. Overwhelming really. This huge inner battle is going on strong and I’m ready to fight it, but alas, I still don’t even know where to begin or how. The constant self-critism that just never seems to shut up is getting really annoying and old. A lot of past issues still require my attention because it basically prevents me from going on with my life.

Mood:: sore

Tags:

Last night had another intense talk with my colleague. She finished her mindfulness therapy and I asked her how she was doing. She told me she had just entered another depression days before, so that it was hard. And then we talked. She told me how as a child she used to be extremely sensitive but then at one point she decided to just shut that part off. And in one of the therapy sessions they did an exercise in which she truly felt herself again with all her sensitivity. And I told her that it hit home with me, because when I was about 19 years old I completely shut that part off myself as well. And have been doing so ever since, but always, constantly feel my life is incomplete. But there is also this big, big part of me that is still not loving herself at all, is never kind to herself, always blames herself for everything.

And while I still think it’s still not a real depression I’m in (because I can still get up every morning and don’t cry over just everything etc…) I do think I am at a point in my life in which I need to find myself back. Real soul searching. Be truly okay with who I am and no longer deny myself any longer. Because that’s what I’ve been doing pretty much all of my life. I want to be able to handle friendships again, do things beside work and enjoy them. Now everything feels too much. I can’t handle friendships much when they require a lot from me, or I feel trapped or…

I just need to find a way how. I already find it hard to just talk about it, because I always, always try to say “it’s not that bad”. Or I’m scared people won’t understand, tell me to just shut up and go on with life. It always feels safer to just keep things to myself.

So on Christmas day I had a confrontational talk with my family. In which at one point my mom said "You've got the feeling that you can't just be who you are." Which was true, and is true. Am always trying to please everyone and always feel like walking on eggshells.

Anyway...it got me thinking.

I think every person walking on this planet wants to be recognized, loved and just be who they are. Without judgment. "Just let me be". I'm no exception.
Sometimes people are uncomfortable with you, or the way you behave. It often says something about them, not about you.
Example: you're quiet and to yourself on a party. Some people interpreted that as maybe you not being comfortable, or you being snobbish...etc...Again...this says something of them, because it makes them feel insecure, or they don't know what to do with themselves. The hardest, well, for me anyway, to do then is to stay true to myself. Because I often instantly think "See, I'm weird."

Anyway...I get that now. I get now that it doesn't always says something about me and that I don't need to just change myself for the sake of other people.

When someone is actually pissing me off, or bothering me, I need to ask myself why. I get that too. Because that person has the same right as me: to just be who they are.

Writing it all down, it seems so easy. But it so isn't. Because so much happens in a day and it's so easy and quite a normal habit to let emotions take over and do the talking for you.

But when you can control it, when things don't get to you emotionally anymore, when it really doesn't hurt your feelings anymore...life must be such a bliss then!

Mood:: thoughtful

Tags:

Had a study day yesterday. Or...study afternoon actually. I usually loathe them, but this time the workshops they had organized were interesting. Went to a workshop called Kids Skills. Interesting really. About how you can help children who have a problem, or aren't really good at something, to reach there goal in a positive, stimulating way. Second workshop was about how to communicate with children. That kinda hit home. Was really sad it only lasted for an hour, cause the things that were said were really interesting and made me realize that's something I want to develop more. So the children coaching stuff should be a good choice.

Anyway...yeah...that second workshop hit me hard. Because I realized, once more, how I lack any self esteem and how I so often think such negative, depressing thoughts. I always bring myself down. There were people there who talked from experience, and they all just sounded confident: they believed what they did was the right thing etc...I always, always doubt myself. I always find myself worthless, not really good at anything. That's just locked away within me so deeply that it sort of became my lifestyle: I don't even know how to do it any other way. Kinda sad really.

All those sessions with Emil helped me a lot, but this is such a major issue. Because I hide my true self from the world, but also from myself. I still don't take in my space and that hit me hard.

Mood:: alone

Current Music:: Good King Wenceslas - Tori Amos

Tags:

A forum I frequent every now and then has a topic where you can say goodbye to 2009. Thought it would be interesting to do so in my journal.

Dear 2009,

You gave me a lot of things this year. You gave me back an old, good friend, but also provided me with two new friendships: Judy and Mindy. Two friendships I cherish a lot. They are both people who don't live close to me, but they are both wonderful people. And I'm happy they entered my life. Judy I've met in real life a couple of times and it's rare for me to instantly feel good around someone, but with her it just was good the moment we met! Mindy I haven't met, but she's given me a lot of inspiration and my spirituality back. And most of all, my belief.

You also took some weight of me. Not as much as I'd hoped for, but still more weight than none. You helped me to focus, to get through with it. I never thought I could lose weight, but I did. Let's hope 2010 will give me even more strength to lose another 10-15 kilos!

You've also been the year of my niece, Rosalie. She was born perfectly healthy on September 17th, the day Tori performed in Amsterdam. Rosalie is now 3 months old and I love her more and more! It's really special to be an aunt.

Tori concerts also happened. First one was in April, which sadly was cancelled. I still had a wonderful time in London though and it really was something I needed!
The London shows in September were both wonderful and I'm still extremely happy I was able to go to both shows.
The Amsterdam show happened on the day my niece was born and I can't remember much from it. The Groningen show was the nicest surprise of all! I think out of the 4 concerts I went to, this was my favorite. An intimate setting, my dear friend Inge with me there and just...special.

The best gift you gave me was myself. You placed Emil on my path, someone who helped me to find myself back. Someone who took me by the hand and showed me what a wonderful person I actually am. Last year my life was a mess. This year everything's so much better!

Dear 2009, thank you for everything. This year has been a good year, an insightful one. I can only hope next year will be as insightful, if not more, as this year. I hope to continue to maintain the friendships I have. I hope to continue to find myself back. I hope next year will help me to discover who I really am, what my life goal is, what I have the world to show. Somehow I believe you'll pass your inspirations onto 2010.

Again, thank you.

Lots of love,

Nancy

Mood:: thoughtful

Current Music:: Armand Amar & Lévon Minassian - Tchinares

Tags:

I had a confrontation at work this Monday. I have a colleague there who I can't stand, at all.
Last week something happened and I snapped at her. My boss learned about it and suggested the three of us had a talk. Which was yesterday. All in all my boss totally understood my point of view, and when this colleague was gone he even told me so. Sadly he's too chicken to confront her with her behavior.

Then tonight, at work, another colleague was getting pissed off at something and when he does, he always patronizes his other colleagues by talking loud, almost yelling. At one point I decided to just calmly ask what he was so upset about. At first he didn't understand, then he apologized.

And I find myself expressing myself more and more and I learn that people don't get upset about it at all, but it actually helps to clear the sky. And it helps me to feel a bit better. Or actually a lot.

Ugh...and I've decided to tag all my entries from now on and also want to tag all my older entries. Which will take forever, but eventually will help me to find entries back a lot easier.

Mood:: annoyed

Tags:

Funny, weird, indifferent...that pretty much describes me down to a T at the moment. It's not a bad feeling, just a weird feeling. This whole week has been a weird and strange week. And I feel like time is playing tricks on me. It isn't, of course, but it feels like it. It's like my body is miles ahead of my brain...or maybe I should put that differently: time is miles ahead of my mind...I don't know, maybe there's no words for it anyway.
It's only 10.17 PM right now, it feels like billion o'clock in the morning.
I'm tired these days, too much stuff is going on in my head. My dreams are exhausting each night, and I've been waking up in the middle of a dream too many times this week.
But I don't feel weak, or sad or down at all, in fact, I feel much stronger than I've been in a long time.

What leaves me a bit worried though, is that I feel distracted a lot from those I consider my friends. I feel like I haven't talked to most of them for the longest time. :(

Aaaaaanywaaaay...I feel like writing at the moment, but I have no clue at all what to write down. Maybe just a few thoughts, or little comments...maybe a short story. I don't know...I just know a few words have to get out of my mind right now...hahaha

Current Music:: Dehavilland Comet - Tagging Satellites

Tags:

Current Music:: Dehavilland Comet - Tagging Satellites

why fucking why is it so hard for me to just LIVE? Why can't i just be okay with who I am? Why can't I just accept myself? Why do I ALWAYS have to judge myself for the things I do or not do? Why can't I just switch a button in my stupid head? Why do I KNOW things but not FEEL them? I so admire those people who do their thing and not giving a damn about other people at all. I try to be like that, but I can't. Somehow this stupid bloody fucked mind of mine fucks it up ALL the bloody time! I try SO hard not to care about other peoples opinions, but it never seems to work. Why can't I just make it work? Why is there always this doubt? It seriously should be just as easy as 1, 2, 3 right? It has to be? Why does it feel like the hardest thing to do then? Why do I still keep on apologizing about my behavior? Why can't I just take this mask of and tell the world: "Hey, you know what: This is me. Don't like what you see? Piss off then!" Why do I still judge myself for all those things? It really shouldn't be that hard. It really shouldn't be that hard to be honest with yourself, right? Cause if you can't be honest with yourself, than you can't be honest with anything else either.

I try so hard to get to know myself better, to understand my reasons, to understand why I am who I am. And some days go better than others, but I'm impatient though. I wanna reach the final destination even before I have taken off. And I've been in this feeling for so long time, I just wanna move on. And I do notice the little steps I'm taking, it's just...i never find it enough. I still think I'm not trying hard enough.
So again...why can't I just be okay with myself? Why do I always live up to other peoples rules?
Maybe I should write down who I am, what i do, what i don't do, what I like, what I hate. So far not a single person on this planet, not even my own parent's know who I am for real. That says something right? They all think they know me, but they don't. We all have our own little secrets, but haha, I always showed myself off as someone I'm not. Try changing that behavior if you're used to doing it for 25 fucking years. Maybe it's really time I get honest with myself.
"Don't ever look up to anyone dear!" I've done that all my life, without even knowing I did. Where the hell did I ever get that weird idea from, that other people were better than me? Knew it all better? I don't know, but it's about time I stop this behavior. It's about time the world gets to know the real Nancy. Not just parts of it, no, the real Nancy for 100%.

It will take me forever I guess to get there, but I want it. I want to be able to say: "Fuck you all." I don't wanna feel guilty anymore when I do things or not do things other people take for granted. If I happen to be a messy person, than so it be. Why keep on apologizing to everybody? If i happen to dislike cooking, why keep on telling the world it's okay and i do my best? What for I ask you? It's just sad actually. If I dislike a person, why keep on telling everyone who likes them that i like that person too? If i happen to like something other people don't get, why the fuck should I keep mouth about it? There's only one me on this planet, but so far I've pretty much hidden her from the rest of the world. And maybe it's a shame actually...

[/ end of rant, lol]

Mood:: surprised

Tags:

You know what keeps me wondering these days? Well, a lot, heh heh, but especially this: I can have a perception of something and feel it is the one and only truth. I just KNOW it you know and can't really explain it. But then I can meet someone else who has a whole different kind of perception on the same subject and that to him feels like the one and only truth as well. So that keeps me wondering. If I think my truth is right and that other person thinks his truth is right, are they both right then? Both wrong? Is only one of them wrong? Here on earth there can only be right or wrong. If something is green, is can't be red. Clear as that. But...how right is that? Is there only one truth? What if we all make up our own truths and experience them that way? What if all those truths we make up, are real ones?

I've read a lot of books about life after death etc...Some people had near death experiences and they said that when they entered a tunnel of light, they saw beautiful little creatures with wings. Most of the people who had that vision, always believed that in heaven there were angels with wings. And they experienced them. Other people just only experienced a bright light. And some people experienced other creatures who had no real body, you could almost look trough them, but then again you couldn't. And there were other experiences as well. Now, I do believe in all that "life after death" stuff, so I believe all of their stories. However, they are all different, yet, all those people REALLY experienced them. Are they all liars then? I don't think so...I think we are able to create our own image. If we think heaven is all green, then it WILL be all green. Cause it's just only a reflection of who we are. I can experience it as something white, while others might experience it as something dark maybe.

I find it interesting. and I find it even more interesting that we still fight our wars and other things over "perceptions" and "our own truths". We can't accept that there might be different correct answers to just one question. We always try to convince other people that only we are right, and they are all wrong. We fight useless wars over it. Just because we think that "angels can only have wings, and nothing else". We are so stuck in our own way of thinking, we always want explanations for things, we want proof. We want to be right. While all we have to do is accept the fact that others may have a different kind of belief, but it's nevertheless just a real as our own.

Ha...and I know it sounds so easy, and it even is in fact. But we human being somehow always try to do it the hard way...We always point fingers at each other. "She's weird, cause..."
Yeah..she's weird cause she doesn't live up to your perceptions of how life should be. It's so easy to call someone else weird and different. and it's just so easy to think their way of living is just wrong. Just because we think there's only one correct way to live life. But there's not...there are one billion ways to live a life, and all of them are okay, even when they don't seem to be okay, they are. Even though you may think it's totally not okay, that's YOUR truth, it doesn't mean it's wrong though.
In this life (all lives actually) there is no wrong. No mistakes can be made, nothing you do is useless. And it's about time we start to accept it. It would make it a lot easier for us anyway, lol

[and this is MY truth btw....hahahahaha....it doesn't have to be the universal truth ;)]

Where is it these days? This safe heaven where I can go to? It's not within me, not even around me, not even close to me at all. I've never felt more alone and sad and hurt as the last couple of days. I can only feel nervous the last couple of days, and unloved and uncared about. People won't accept me for me, in fact, they try to tell me how wrong I am, and how my way of living is oh so wrong. They try to show me how good they are, better than me and how they want me to shut up. How they think i'm pathetic, only because i wanna understand things. how they ignore me, treat me like shit. Is this what i deserve? Almost no friends, an empty and lonely life where I'll get hurt over and over again? What did i do to deserve all this? People who told me in the past how happy they were the got to know me...why do they lieave all of a sudden without leaving a trace? Why do they all of the sudden just ignore me, pretend i'm not there. Why do people always pretend I have no feelings? Why does life suck so fucking much? Why can't i trust anyone anymore? So many why's and not one answer shows up that feels right...I wish I wasn't here...

Mood:: scared

Current Music:: Tori Amos - Candle: Coventry Carol

Tags:

I'm still fighting such a big battle with myself. I still feel like i don't belong anywhere. Like..I'm still trying to find out who I really am. Which is all part of the human process and all, but i just feel like I don't make any progress at all. I still don't feel at ease with myself. i still don't feel like I'm a real person (if that makes any sense). I feel like I'm a billion different kind of people, but not really me.
I wanna be proud of who I am. I wanna be able to look myself in the eyes and say: "yes, this is really me! And i'm proud to be me!" But I still can't. I have like zero self-esteem. I always thought I felt better about myself than i feel right now, but I guess I never really did.
And it's funny: most people fear the fact that they are getting older, while I can't wait to get any older. I can't wait to be 40 years old. Cause somehow i think i will be more at ease with myself then. I hate being young. I hate being 24. I feel like I don't really belong anywhere. I don't feel 24, I feel much older (and yet again much younger as well). It's all just so fucking frustrating!

ACK!

Mood:: frustrated

Current Music:: Aerosmith - Dream on

Tags:

Got up this morning at about 10.15, the sun was shining and I could just feel her warmth. I just love the sun, she always brings me in such a good mood. I can't wait for the weather to become a bit warmer again, cause it's way too cold outside, way too cold. I want the trees to become green again, I wanna see the flowers again, feel the warmth on my face whenever I go outside. Winter never lasted this long, or at least that's how i feel this year. It's not that I hate winter or anything, but she won't ever become my best friend either.

Anyway...didn't really do much today, didn't get dressed until 2.30, which was good. I'm still not sure what i will be doing next week, if I'll go away for a few days, or just stay home. But I'll just see what next week will bring me. So far I'm still enjoying this week...and maybe I'll be able to get creative again this week. Oh well..i will just see how everything goes. It would be bloody perfect though if i would find my old strength back again and feel good again. If that goal can be reached by the end of this week I would be too damn happy!

Mood:: calm

Current Music:: Kashmir-Led Zeppelin

Tags:

After being stuck in the poetry section of The Pool (http://prologue.proboards12.com) i finally got me an on-line journal.
It's so much easier for me to type things, instead of writing them down. Imagine that...4 years ago I didn't even know how the internet worked, and now i can hardly live without it anymore.

Anyway...I'm so stuck right now. Been stuck for ages now. Have to force myself to get up in the mornings, have to force myself to live. It's getting harder and harder and harder to be on this planet. I used to be able to enjoy it, but it's just getting harder and harder. I feel so not at home here, I feel like such an alien. I miss sharing deeper thoughts with people, I miss having deep conversations with people, I miss being understood. Right now i just HATE my life and life in general. And i really, really wish it would all come to an end real quick..so I would be free again. So i would be me again...

Mood:: blank

Current Music:: Tori Amos - Horses

Tags:

life,
stuck

December 2019

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8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30	31

Well I know it's just a spring haze

...waiting for sunday to drown...

Entries tagged with life

Patterns...rhythms...routines

Three more weeks...

Books and stuff

Nothing makes a whole lot of sense

(no subject)

I'm the invisible girl

School's almost out

And so my life is...

Be true to yourself

(no subject)

Saying goodbye to 2009

Confrontations

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

Safe heaven

(no subject)

(no subject)

Finally my online journal

December 2019

Links