prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear  -journey)
Happiness…

I was reading old diaries of mine. I keep one since the age of 12. I think it was near the end of 2003 when my thoughts and feelings got darker and darker. There were moments of joy, but I found it hard to fit into this world. Things got worse when I moved out of the house into my apartment at the end of 2003. I think that every entry was about me being confused about life, work etc… Of course I also tend to write down my thoughts more when it involves a stressful situation, and keeping an online journal also often prevented me from writing in my physical journal. But still. For over 10 years now I seem to struggle with the same things: a feeling of not belonging here, a need for freedom.

more ramblings this way )

I know the only right decision would be to quit this job and do something I love. I hope to be able to do just one day soon. (I still wish the idea of a basic income for all, of which you could live off without a job would become reality for all one day soon. It would make life so much easier for so many people and in the end would benefit so many things. For more info: http://www.globalincome.org/English/Global-Basic-Income.html)

Let me end this long post with a song, one of my favourite songs of all times:



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prettygoodyear: (random text - it would be nice if someth)
It would be nice if I would be able to be just okay with myself. Not always get so upset with myself, or angry. Not always notice everything I do wrong, or could have done differently, but compliment myself. Not constantly judge myself. Be proud of myself. Happy with myself. If even I can't love myself, then who will? 

What makes it so much harder is that I often have no clue whatsoever what really defines me and that when I try to figure it out, there are millions of voices inside my head all saying something else, all trying to be heard. Maybe acceptance of myself is the first step? No matter what happens, allow it to happen, be okay with it and not reflect on it too much in a negative way? I really want to be okay with myself, no matter what. I think it would make my life so much more pleasant. 
prettygoodyear: (Default)
Not even only in real life, but also on the internet things change, people leave, things get quiet. I don't post entries nearly as often as I used to. Other people who did, don't either anymore. Forums I used to frequent get quiet, people leave. Facebook is just an empty shell with no real, meaningful, deep interaction. 

And I really start to miss being in a relationship. It's about time I get out of this teenage life I still seem to be living, even though I really am in my 30's. What is my life turning into, what have I managed to do with it so far? I still feel like I just entered my 20's and somehow still stuck in time somehow? I don't feel 32 at all. Though I also don't know how that's supposed to feel. But should I not be married by now and have kids? Instead of still living the life of student; doing as I please and no real commitment to anything but work? I feel like before I know it it's all too late and I missed out on things that could have been and now will never happen. 

On a totally different note: I got a library pass once again! Must have been about 10 years since I last had one. Usually just bought my books. But I live in town with no real, awesome bookstores and we have a brand new, gorgeous amazing library. I signed up again today though and for €34,- a year I can rent 100 books/DVD's/CD's. Awesome!
prettygoodyear: (Default)

December 2019

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