The fear we fear most is actually fear itself

16 August 2014 21:01
prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear -journey)
Monday morning marked the beginning of a new working year. As stated previously, I didn't look forward to it. In fact, anxiety was extremely present. It's not a new feeling, because I experience it always: after a weekend, after a holiday, always. It all started back in college, whenever I had to do training periods. Before that, just going to school, I never felt any anxiety of returning back to school, mostly even looked forward to it. But ever since college and the training periods, I experience anxiety.

For the longest time I wondered why, because once I'm back at work it's never as bad as I had pictured it in my head, I mostly even enjoy myself. So what is it? I think I figured it out: getting back into the working life means I have to proof myself, there are things expected from me, things I'm not sure I can live up to. I always fear that I let people down, that I don't perform as well as I should. Holidays and weekends are safe: I don't have to constantly live up to these expectations, I can just 'be'. I am not a perfectionist, or at least not 100% one, because I can say 'enough is enough', but in my head things are never good enough. I am not good enough. Making mistakes is the most horrible crime I could ever commit. I don't just experience this with my current job, but also when I have to take courses, when I took a drivers lesson etc...etc...

Anyway...this year I have my own class full time, with is an extra pressure, because what if they don't make as much as progress as they should, what if I don't do as well as I should, what if I can't handle teaching full time, etc...etc...

When I walked into the building this monday I was ready to cry, because I feared everything so much. But as the week went by, I started to enjoy myself more. Having my own class is wonderful, for instance. I can do whatever I want however I want without someone else telling me they don't like it. It felt nice. But yeah, that was a week without any children and parents. This monday I'll start, for real. And the anxiety is back. What if I don't make everyone feels at home? Are the things I prepared for the first day good enough? Will I be good enough? What if I let people down, forget things, make mistakes, etc...?

At least I am aware of it now, but I wish I could shake it off and not care so fucking much about these things. I wish I could be okay with making mistakes, because I will make them.

One day, maybe one day...

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/277689.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
intimidated
Mood:: intimidated
Tags:

Things I do that I need to stop doing

31 July 2014 22:48
prettygoodyear: (Default)
1. Thinking someone else is more important than me and thus take a step back/adjust.

2. Making someone else's problem, my problem, because see #1.

3. Feeling negative about myself. I almost constantly think people will look at me and think "Jesus fuck, who does she think she is? Loser!". Just last night 2 of my cousins were visiting my parents. I hadn't seen them in forever and my parents invited me over for coffee so we could meet. These were my thoughts: "I am fat and they will notice and they will think less of me" "I am still single and thus a forever loser." "I am failing at life" "They will wonder why the hell I'm there and think I'm a loser" "I have no interesting life" "I look weird" "I didn't say the right things" etc...etc...

It's funny because the eldest of 2 cousins, who is a few years younger than me and who I look up to a lot etc...was actually saying the same things. She's never happy with herself, always doubting herself, never thinks high of herself etc...We seem to have a lot in common and yet I still think: "I should not bother her with a visit because she's just trying to be polite and say she'd love to, but she doesn't and why should she because who the fuck am I?!" I never want to bother people, also see #1 and 2.

Yeah...

4. Doubting myself and my abilities ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Like, see #1 and 3. Stop it already, sheesh!

5. Worrying, creating demons out of everything. It's not helpful, at all, I never gained anything positive from it, like EVER and just STOP!

6. Hiding and keeping quiet, see point 1 -5.

7. Eating bad foods, overeating. The extra weight I carry with me is not helpful, because see #3 and 4 . It's like this vicious cycle I am in.

8. Being so hard on myself, see #7.

9. Focusing on the bad things.


I really find it amazing how I make it so hard for myself all the time. Why do I think other people are more important than me, why do I think I deserve bad thoughts and things? I have learned, a lot, the past couple of years. But I am someone who longs for freedom, and this is one of the most important things I want to be freed of: my demons. Just be. Being able to see that I am a good person, that I have good qualities. And why do I find it so difficult/scary to just DO it? Why do I cherish the pain/hurt/anxiety so much?

One day, maybe one day.

At least today was a good day: spent a lovely day with my mom and it was the first time in like forever it was this calm and nice. ♥︎

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/276848.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
anxious
Mood:: anxious
Tags:

(no subject)

20 February 2012 20:42
prettygoodyear: (random text - it would be nice if someth)
It would be nice if I would be able to be just okay with myself. Not always get so upset with myself, or angry. Not always notice everything I do wrong, or could have done differently, but compliment myself. Not constantly judge myself. Be proud of myself. Happy with myself. If even I can't love myself, then who will? 

What makes it so much harder is that I often have no clue whatsoever what really defines me and that when I try to figure it out, there are millions of voices inside my head all saying something else, all trying to be heard. Maybe acceptance of myself is the first step? No matter what happens, allow it to happen, be okay with it and not reflect on it too much in a negative way? I really want to be okay with myself, no matter what. I think it would make my life so much more pleasant. 
pensive
Mood:: pensive
Tags:

I'm the invisible girl

16 August 2011 21:57
prettygoodyear: (random text - ignore)
 Just one of days in which I feel ignored and just stupid. Some people seem to always get all the love and I so often need to fight for it so hard. Just really feeling sorry for myself tonight. Will pass. But yeah...evenings like these I wonder what the fuck I always do wrong though...
jealous
Mood:: jealous
Tags:

School's almost out

2 July 2011 11:33
prettygoodyear: (seasons - Summer)
Three more weeks and then another school year will come to an end. Last week went on school camp for 2 nights. It were the hottests days of the year so far, but at least it meant no rain. Well, we got some rain on our final night and departure, but the rest was just hot, humid and sunny. We stayed in town this year, which actually felt so much better. I don’t even know why.

 

Also got stung loads of times. I still have no idea if they were mosquito bites or not fact, but fact is, I now have an amazing rash on my leg that still itches. Allergy reaction, or…? Might go and see a doctor next week if things are still the same. Though I’d rather not, because usually he just tells me it’s nothing.

Life in general right now is complex. Overwhelming really. This huge inner battle is going on strong and I’m ready to fight it, but alas, I still don’t even know where to begin or how. The constant self-critism that just never seems to shut up is getting really annoying and old. A lot of past issues still require my attention because it basically prevents me from going on with my life.

sore
Mood:: sore
Tags:

children coaching course tomorrow

13 January 2011 19:19
prettygoodyear: (Xfiles - animated)
So...six months ago I signed up for the children coaching course. And tomorrow it will happen. And I'm extremely nervous. For over a week now actually. Up to the point I just wish it would be over and done with already because then things will just be back to normal again. Mostly because I have no idea what to expect and am just so nervous about whether it would be really for me or not. But I'm also extremely nervous about going there all by myself, in a group full of strangers. I'm not really good with meeting new people. Am shy etc...etc...It's a good thing I will do this, cause practice makes perfect, but still. Scary shit this is now. Yikes, yikes, yikes.

Also...will have to get up at 5.30 in the morning!!! That is insanely early. The course better be good and worth it!
nervous
Mood:: nervous
Tags:

Yay for throat infections

25 December 2010 20:34
prettygoodyear: (winter - The Snowman)
Mom and dad arrived at around 2 o'clock this afternoon. Was nice. We chatted, I did tarots for all of them and dinner was lovely. The recipe was for 4 people, but there's so much food left I can feed myself for another 3 days.

Sadly...my throat is not getting better. Much talking didn't do me good, but also the food. Feels like my throat is on fire and swallowing is a bitch. Overall feeling is crappy too, but hopefully will be better tomorrow. Cause then I'll go over to mom and dad for another xmas day. Yes, we have 2 days of Christmas in this country.

What made this day most special, was the emotional talk we had. Dad said something about me, he didn't mean any harm with it, but it made me cry. And we had a deep, emotional talk and it helped me so much to understand something about myself so much better. Something I always knew, but this time it just hit home. So, emotional, but good!

And tomorrow I'll see wonderful Rosalie again. <3
sick
Mood:: sick
Current Music:: Happy Holiday - Andy Williams
Tags:

Nothing I do is good enough for you

20 November 2010 23:17
prettygoodyear: (autumn - trees)
How can you be loved by someone when you can't even love yourself? There's still so much loathe, dislike, hate, disappointment inside of me that I feel for myself. So little love for myself, even for that little girl I once was. So much shame. So much guilt. And what for? What did I ever do to think and feel this way? Nothing I do ever seems to be good enough, nothing I do ever seems to be okay. There's always the criticism, the doubt. There's so little love I feel for myself it makes my heart ache so much.

To always, always have this voice in my head telling I'm no good, telling me what I do wrong, what is wrong about me, what I should be ashamed off, what I should feel guilty about. Constantly, constantly going on and on and on and on. Hardly ever the thought "You did well" or "You're wonderful". Those thoughts are always covered up with other thoughts "Maybe I shouldn't have said that" "Maybe I should have done this" "I did it all wrong" "It's all my fault" "Look at me...such failure" "I could have done better"

Always and forever...I so desperately want to get it all to stop. So desperately want to love myself, be okay with myself. I want to be proud of me, no matter what. I don't want the guilt and shame anymore but I find it so hard to get rid of it.

I need help. I can't do this all on my own anymore.
drained
Mood:: drained
Current Music:: Im Sensitive - Jewel
Tags:
prettygoodyear: (Default)

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