(no subject)

20 February 2012 20:42
prettygoodyear: (random text - it would be nice if someth)
It would be nice if I would be able to be just okay with myself. Not always get so upset with myself, or angry. Not always notice everything I do wrong, or could have done differently, but compliment myself. Not constantly judge myself. Be proud of myself. Happy with myself. If even I can't love myself, then who will? 

What makes it so much harder is that I often have no clue whatsoever what really defines me and that when I try to figure it out, there are millions of voices inside my head all saying something else, all trying to be heard. Maybe acceptance of myself is the first step? No matter what happens, allow it to happen, be okay with it and not reflect on it too much in a negative way? I really want to be okay with myself, no matter what. I think it would make my life so much more pleasant. 
pensive
Mood:: pensive
Tags:

I'm the invisible girl

16 August 2011 21:57
prettygoodyear: (random text - ignore)
 Just one of days in which I feel ignored and just stupid. Some people seem to always get all the love and I so often need to fight for it so hard. Just really feeling sorry for myself tonight. Will pass. But yeah...evenings like these I wonder what the fuck I always do wrong though...
jealous
Mood:: jealous
Tags:

School's almost out

2 July 2011 11:33
prettygoodyear: (seasons - Summer)
Three more weeks and then another school year will come to an end. Last week went on school camp for 2 nights. It were the hottests days of the year so far, but at least it meant no rain. Well, we got some rain on our final night and departure, but the rest was just hot, humid and sunny. We stayed in town this year, which actually felt so much better. I don’t even know why.

 

Also got stung loads of times. I still have no idea if they were mosquito bites or not fact, but fact is, I now have an amazing rash on my leg that still itches. Allergy reaction, or…? Might go and see a doctor next week if things are still the same. Though I’d rather not, because usually he just tells me it’s nothing.

Life in general right now is complex. Overwhelming really. This huge inner battle is going on strong and I’m ready to fight it, but alas, I still don’t even know where to begin or how. The constant self-critism that just never seems to shut up is getting really annoying and old. A lot of past issues still require my attention because it basically prevents me from going on with my life.

sore
Mood:: sore
Tags:

Family and neighbors

25 June 2010 21:32
prettygoodyear: (random - stressed backwards)
Had a day off today cause I swapped days at work with my co-worker. Was supposed to have a friend over, but she wan't sure she could make it and in the end I decided to call it off. Decided to bring my sister and niece a visit instead today. It was much needed and wonderful. I'm so much closer to my sister than I ever was. We talked about our lives and I felt so comfortable. Rosalie is wonderful too. She can't crawl a bit now, laughs a lot and is just so sweet and amazing. Hadn't seen her in over 3 weeks, but the minute she saw me she gave me the biggest smile. All in all I really enjoyed my day there and was sad to leave.

Something completely different: my neighbors all decided to find me weird, odd, cold and sneaky. All because I'm a private person, am quiet and don't shout and yell or show my face much. Instead of just trying to make contact with me (because obviously that's what they want!) they decided to gossip about me. I overheard them last night cause they were talking outside my window. I was pretty upset by it even though I didn't want to. I just don't understand people. At all. Someone isn't as outgoing as you are so that instantly means she's weird and not worth anything? Really? You don't even try to get to know me but base your beliefs on what other people tell you? Am I really that scary because I enjoy spending time alone? I just HATE that those people, who I've got nothing in common with, who don't even try to know me, get to me SO MUCH! I mean...I've got friends who like me for me, at work everyone thinks I'm okay, my family loves me. But I let them get to me. I should shrug it off, but somehow I can't.
It's moments like these I hate life so much!
stressed
Mood:: stressed
Current Music:: Keep the Car Running - Arcade Fire
Tags:

mirrors

6 August 2004 23:01
prettygoodyear: (Default)
I dislike them. While my sister has a crush on them, I try to ignore mirrors as much as possible. My sister can be around mirrors all day long and they can't be big enough for her, while I can't even have a short look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes i do, but then after just a few seconds I turn away from it. Why? Cause the picture the mirror is showing me isn't the picture I have in mind of myself. All the time I see someone I'm not. I feel so different on the inside than what the outside is showing. I don't know, it just shows things that don't do me well and it doesn't show things that it should be showing.
You know that feeling of being trapped? I feel like that all the time. I feel like only 1% of the real me is on this planet. Whenever i look into the mirror I get a bit disappointed. I miss something. I always expect to see the real me, but i never see it, not even in my own eyes. The person who stares at me through the mirror isn't me. I know I shouldn't care about it so much, but I do...
prettygoodyear: (Default)

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