Well I know it's just a spring haze

 I'm not really great with taking selfies (I'm not really photogenic, haha) but yesterday I took some selfies with my youngest niece, Madelief. Silly, funny girl who's just so adorable and amazing!
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Four years ago, plus one day, she was born: my eldest niece Rosalie. The day I was supposed to see Tori Amos in concert in Amsterdam. The day a friend from London was flying in, supposed to stay with me for a few days. The day my mom showed up in my class that day to tell me my niece was born. I remember the tears I cried, the chaos in my head, the need to see her, but I couldn't. I did see Tori that night, but only because I couldn't visit my sister that day anyway after work. I don't remember much from the concert, my friend from London ended up staying in a hotel (which I still feel super guilty about!).
A day after she was born, I got to see my niece. And up until that moment I couldn't understand unconditional love. But when I held her, I just knew. I grew to love her even more through the years. I love how she's become a real person in those 4 years. Wise, smart, and so full of life.

Yesterday was her birthday. She got a bike (amongst many other presents) and at one point she wanted to ride it. So I went with her, and her little sister came along as well. And while we were riding our bikes, this feeling of pure love floated through my veins, body and soul. And I can't believe she's 4 already.



Little sis Madelief. Who I love so much as well.



Rosalie with her dad.



Nom nom nom. I call her 'smekbek' most of the times (which roughly translates as 'munch mouth'.



Turning 4 is a big thing, you get to go to school, you get presents, family visiting. It was taking its toll at one point.



With her mom.

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Sun is out, temperatures are slowly rising and there's little signs of life everywhere. Spring is arriving! When I have to get up in the morning, the sun is out already, which is making it a lot easier to get up.

Yesterday was the funeral of my grandma, but I didn't go. Instead mom, dad, sister, Rosalie and me had our own ceremony at home. Which was good. Better even I think.

Mom and dad arrived at around 2 o'clock this afternoon. Was nice. We chatted, I did tarots for all of them and dinner was lovely. The recipe was for 4 people, but there's so much food left I can feed myself for another 3 days.

Sadly...my throat is not getting better. Much talking didn't do me good, but also the food. Feels like my throat is on fire and swallowing is a bitch. Overall feeling is crappy too, but hopefully will be better tomorrow. Cause then I'll go over to mom and dad for another xmas day. Yes, we have 2 days of Christmas in this country.

What made this day most special, was the emotional talk we had. Dad said something about me, he didn't mean any harm with it, but it made me cry. And we had a deep, emotional talk and it helped me so much to understand something about myself so much better. Something I always knew, but this time it just hit home. So, emotional, but good!

And tomorrow I'll see wonderful Rosalie again. <3

Had a day off today cause I swapped days at work with my co-worker. Was supposed to have a friend over, but she wan't sure she could make it and in the end I decided to call it off. Decided to bring my sister and niece a visit instead today. It was much needed and wonderful. I'm so much closer to my sister than I ever was. We talked about our lives and I felt so comfortable. Rosalie is wonderful too. She can't crawl a bit now, laughs a lot and is just so sweet and amazing. Hadn't seen her in over 3 weeks, but the minute she saw me she gave me the biggest smile. All in all I really enjoyed my day there and was sad to leave.

Something completely different: my neighbors all decided to find me weird, odd, cold and sneaky. All because I'm a private person, am quiet and don't shout and yell or show my face much. Instead of just trying to make contact with me (because obviously that's what they want!) they decided to gossip about me. I overheard them last night cause they were talking outside my window. I was pretty upset by it even though I didn't want to. I just don't understand people. At all. Someone isn't as outgoing as you are so that instantly means she's weird and not worth anything? Really? You don't even try to get to know me but base your beliefs on what other people tell you? Am I really that scary because I enjoy spending time alone? I just HATE that those people, who I've got nothing in common with, who don't even try to know me, get to me SO MUCH! I mean...I've got friends who like me for me, at work everyone thinks I'm okay, my family loves me. But I let them get to me. I should shrug it off, but somehow I can't.
It's moments like these I hate life so much!

I'll turn 31 in two months. I've been living on my own for a good 6 years. But I never really got away from my mom and dad. I've never been fully aware of it, in a way it always felt kinda safe too. But the last couple of weeks I started to feel a bit uncomfy about little things about my life and myself but still couldn't my finger on it. Then last week, on New Year's Eve, I got mad at my mom for a reaction she gave me. And then got even more mad for the reaction she gave me because I got mad. But then she insisted on me contacting her to get back to her about what happened. And then when both my mom and dad not really turned against me, but yet in a way did a couple of days later I realized that for too long I've allowed them to keep me 'small'. For too long I've still been this little girl. Acted like one too. Was still too dependent on them, but also just still took what they said for the one and only truth, which would often just take me down. I've just never been too aware of it. Never really wanted to let go either. But now I just do. My mom isn't right about everything and I should have every right to say so. And if she's upset by it, then I shouldn't turn it into my issue. Something I've always done.
This afternoon she sent me an email, asking me if I had found the time to put things on paper for her, as I promised. She put some other stuff with it, which she all meant well, but like a colleague so lovely told me this afternoon "in a therapeutic way". She's not my therapist and she shouldn't act like one. She wants me to tell what my issues are, what's right for me. But it's time for her to let go of that. To let me live my life and be okay with it. Accept that I really am an adult and actually have been for many years.
I just wrote her back saying I needed time to figure things out myself. And that I don't know when to get back to her. I think we might end up disagreeing and fighting loads this year, but you'll never know...

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Yeah, and then last night I had this crazy dream I think I just need to write down. It started with me and a bunch of people I don't know who tried to help Hurley (Lost) escape from something. Which took a couple of tries but then in the end we just ran into a crowd and then got out. Then we ran and ran and all of a sudden I was with Hermione and Ron and Harry and we were running through London. Hmm....weird. Then I was some kind of subway/underground and ended up on top of a building, with loads of windows. I was there with another bunch of people who I have now no idea about who they were. The building was all sorts of things, but it was also a scary one, cause it was placed on the edge of something and looked as if it could just fall down any minute. Oh. And in between that I think I was in Ireland as well, on the Dingle peninsula.
Anyway...eventually it turned out my old high school teacher was in the same building as me, but a level below. She was there with her two kids and new husband and somehow I managed to follow her, but she wouldn't notice me. Then right before the dream would come to and end, I decided to go downstairs and at least just say hi to her. I ran past her at first, cause I wanted to pretend I didn't see her (???) and went into the toiler for a bit, then walked outside and touched her on her feet and said 'hi'. She was happy to see me, but in my dream she also acted like we were meant to be meat/had an appointment, cause she asked me if I'd been there for long, to which I replied I'd been busy with other people first.

I think I then woke up. A dream full of crazy things, but could still remember it after over 12 hours so decided to write it down.

I look funny...I talk funny and it's still hurting like hell, lol. I drink all these herb teas, and yadayadaya, but it's not helping one bit. I've never experienced this for so long. It would often go away after a couple of days, or I would get up in the morning, forgetting about the feeling, cause it was just gone. But no this time. Go to bed with it and get up with it. It's exhausting, it's giving me a huge headache now even and there's nothing that can be done about it. ACK!

Anyway...will go see my parent's later this evening. My mom wants to watch LOTR TTT. I'm extremely surprised she wanted to, cause I thought she wouldn't any other LOTR movies after FOTR, lol. But she liked it a lot, especially the story. So...we'll see what she'll think of it after tonight, hee hee.
Might go to the sauna tomorrow, maybe it will do my health a whole lot of good as well. Always love going there, it's so relaxed and just a day out.

BONUS: it's Summer again! Just when I thought this was the shortest, coldest summer EVER, it's back. It's so nice and warm outside. Not hot, but just nice. I could feel the warm wind blowing in my face, and instantly felt happy again :D I love the feeling of going outside and feel this wall of warmth surrounding you. Hope this weather will last for a while! YAY!