Home makeover
3 March 2019 14:13My living room has been pretty much the same ever since I moved out of my parents house, 16 years ago. I loved the red wall, and the setup was one I still liked. But for a while, I wantd to change some things. I still had an unused desk downstairs for instance, that didn't really fit. So a few weeks ago I made a trip to Ikea and found things I liked.
Last week I took everything down, and repainted the wall. I still wanted it to be red, but it was a massive struggle. In the end the wall was painted 5 times, from red, to grey. And it's finally okay. Big change, from red, to grey, but it's actually quite nice. Yesterday my dad and I put everything together and I am quite pleased with how everything looks.
Last week I took everything down, and repainted the wall. I still wanted it to be red, but it was a massive struggle. In the end the wall was painted 5 times, from red, to grey. And it's finally okay. Big change, from red, to grey, but it's actually quite nice. Yesterday my dad and I put everything together and I am quite pleased with how everything looks.
In the 90's, when I was a teenager, I bought a pair of these:
Floral Dr. Martens. Now, I think I didn't actually get the real deal, cause they were expensive much, even though my shoes looked exactly like these. I remember loving them, and buying them with my own money. I never cared for what was cool these days, I just loved goofy things if any. After some time I painted them black with shoe polish, which was a desaster.
Then two decaded later, a couple of years ago, I was in Ireland on holiday and they had these shoes on display:
(these are not my legs!). They were dirt cheap fake Dr. Martens, which I bought for about €20,-? I just loved the pattern, and the colors, which are hard to tell on this picture, but boy they were a pain to wear! The sole had no bounce to it, and I think I even bought it a size too small, because my toes were alway aching. But he: cool shoes!
Two weeks ago while I was wearing them again for the first time since forever, the soles got lose. And not just a little, no, completely. Tried to fix it, but it was beyond repair. The rest of the day I just walk around on shoes without soles, haha.
But then! While I was in Maastricht a few weeks ago, I spotted a Dr Martens store. Now, I already own a black pair for a few years now. But I still wanted to have a look. And then I spotted these and was in love:
I tried them on, and it just didn't fit well. I was kinda devastated. So I had to let them go. But the two weeks after, I kept on looking them up, thinking about them etc...So last week I went to Amsterdam, cause they have a store there that sells them aswell. Tried them on, again. and the fit like a glove. And I'm SO happy. Look at the pattern and the colors! LOVE
Floral Dr. Martens. Now, I think I didn't actually get the real deal, cause they were expensive much, even though my shoes looked exactly like these. I remember loving them, and buying them with my own money. I never cared for what was cool these days, I just loved goofy things if any. After some time I painted them black with shoe polish, which was a desaster.
Then two decaded later, a couple of years ago, I was in Ireland on holiday and they had these shoes on display:
(these are not my legs!). They were dirt cheap fake Dr. Martens, which I bought for about €20,-? I just loved the pattern, and the colors, which are hard to tell on this picture, but boy they were a pain to wear! The sole had no bounce to it, and I think I even bought it a size too small, because my toes were alway aching. But he: cool shoes!
Two weeks ago while I was wearing them again for the first time since forever, the soles got lose. And not just a little, no, completely. Tried to fix it, but it was beyond repair. The rest of the day I just walk around on shoes without soles, haha.
But then! While I was in Maastricht a few weeks ago, I spotted a Dr Martens store. Now, I already own a black pair for a few years now. But I still wanted to have a look. And then I spotted these and was in love:
I tried them on, and it just didn't fit well. I was kinda devastated. So I had to let them go. But the two weeks after, I kept on looking them up, thinking about them etc...So last week I went to Amsterdam, cause they have a store there that sells them aswell. Tried them on, again. and the fit like a glove. And I'm SO happy. Look at the pattern and the colors! LOVE
 | Tags: |
Went away for two days with a friend. This time to the south. On our second day we went for a hike, because we wanted to walk around a nearby hill. We had no real helpful map or incling as to how to get to where we wanted to go. So we wandered around and eventually found our way around and came across wonderful, beautiful spots.
A climb of 215 steps. I have a fear of heights. As you can see, the stairs were see-through. This wasn't a fun climb at all and at some points just froze completely. But I did it!
"Cave"
A climb of 215 steps. I have a fear of heights. As you can see, the stairs were see-through. This wasn't a fun climb at all and at some points just froze completely. But I did it!
"Cave"
Weekend away
7 October 2018 22:36A friend of mine gifted me a weekend to The Hague. We went there from Friday till Saturday. We visited the Escher museum, which we both LOVED. Also had diner at the beach, and stayed on the 14th floor of a nice hotel, with wonderful views. All in all it was a nice 2 days!
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
Last Thursday I went to Berlin with my best friend. We went by train, and stayed for 3 nights. I've never been to Berlin before, and was hugely impressed by it. Gorgeous buildings, great atmosphere and the history of things was overwhelming, but in a good way. Hard to imagine that the city it is now, was seperated by a wall only 30 years ago.
Fernsehturm, the most iconic landmark of Berlin I think.
( Read more... )
Fernsehturm, the most iconic landmark of Berlin I think.
( Read more... )
Ikea arrived this Friday and yesterday my parents came to help me assemble everything. And now I finally have a neat, organised craft room. And the spare bedroom is also looking neat again!
 | Tags: |
Clean all the things!
19 July 2018 23:18This week I somehow had some kind of episode in which I decided to clean all the things. And by that I mean: get rid of a lot of stuff and reorganise. I threw away all my papers from college. Threw out a lot of drawings and other things from my childhood. Also put things in boxes to give to a second hand store. All in all I filled about 25 boxes. My spare bedroom is almost empty now. I also ordered some drawers from Ikea, to put in the spare bedroom and also in the study. Things will FINALLY look decluttered, neat and organized.
Today, after therapy, I was still in a flow and cleared my shed/garage. Put the shevling unit from the spare bedroom in there, bought some boxes to organize things. It finally looks organized and neat.
Next week they'll pick up all my boxes and then on Friday Ikea will deliver the new drawers.
I feel like such an adult.
Today, after therapy, I was still in a flow and cleared my shed/garage. Put the shevling unit from the spare bedroom in there, bought some boxes to organize things. It finally looks organized and neat.
Next week they'll pick up all my boxes and then on Friday Ikea will deliver the new drawers.
I feel like such an adult.
 | Tags: |
So it's been a reeeaaaallllyyyy long time since I posted a real entry. Not counting the 'end of year meme', the last one dates from well over a year ago. It's not that nothing happened since then, it's just that I had no energy to write down my thoughts in a way that made sense, at all.
So what has happened since then? In March 2017 I entered a rehabilitation program for people who have had cancer. I didn't *really* start until June that year, but had intakes from March on. All in all I took part in it for 6 months, 2 months longer than normal. It was tough. Tough because I had zero energy, and my mental state was well off. They offered mental health support there as well, but sadly, not very helpful. I had a psychologist who did not seem to be able to see how I was doing mentally. It made me doubt myself a lot, and often times I thought I was crazy, because nothing seemed to make any sense.
On top of that I lost my job as well, and not in a nice way. After working for the organisation for 15 years, I was let go because I hadn't recovered quickly enough from the cancer treatments. And after 2 years they are legally allowed to sack you. If that wasn't bad enough, it was all done in a very impersonal way. I got a cheap bottle of wine and that was it. The head of the school I worked at for 15 years didn't even give me a hand or anything. Nothing. Needless to say it didn't help my recovery, mentally.
At the end of my rehabilitation, I got a new psychologist. She managed to understand me a lot better and in the end managed to refer me to a mental health facility in my local hospital. The waiting list was about 2 months, and in January of this year I had an intake with a psychologist and psychiatrist.
The intake was supposed to take about 2 hours max., but took 3 hours. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did there. I also don't think my anxiety was as high there as it ever was. After 45 minutes with the psychologist, she went to get the psychiatrist. Within 5 minutes she mentioned the possibility of being submitted. She was worried for my well being. It made me ugly cry, because if anything, being submitted was something I wanted to prevent at all costs. She explained though that I suffered from severe depression and that she wanted to submit me in order to give me some time off. In the end we agreed to allow me to go home, but I would have to start a program there.
Being diagnosed with severe depression came as a shock to me. Even though I wasn't doing well at all, in my mind things weren't as bad as they thought it was. Depression was when you wouldn't leave your bed at all, and wanted to kill yourself. I didn't want to be alive perse, but wasn't suicidal either. And I still managed to go out and do stuff.
But after the intake, it was as if my entire body and mind could finally let go. I had several panic attacks and eventually ended up staying with my parents for several nights because I was scared to be on my own.
Currently I'm in therapy and on anti-depressants. I was on anxiety medication as well, but managed to quit it a while ago. The meds do indeed help, I've got more focus and I'm also able to express myself again, instead of talking slowly and forgetting words. Things are not as dark as they used to be and I see now that I was really at rock bottom. But things are not 'fine'. My self-esteem is still quite low. I still, often, feel like I'm not really here, that I'm watching my life go by from a distance. The fact that it's three years since I last worked isn't helping much either. Feels like I'm failing life and am a loser. And while being in therapy is good, I often feel I don't belong there. Because other people have much worse problems than me, because nothing seems to change. The thought that I can't be helped is still very much present. And I'm often scared that one day they will indeed tell me that this is it.
Anyway...three weeks ago I went to Ireland again. First holiday in almost 2 years. I went there for 2 weeks, because a week felt too short. Turned out that 2 weeks was too short as well. Because it took me a long, long time to just enjoy myself, to let go of the thoughts that I HAD to do something. Anyway, some pics:
The colourful town of Cobh.
I stumbled upon this deer while walking through the national park.
Muckross house and jaunting car.
Colourful boats
Derrycunnihy church
Ladies view
Bike on boat trip through all the lakes, which took 1,5 hours. I met a lovely Canadian/American couple with three of their children with whom I had a lovely chat.
Eventhough I've been to Killarney many times now, this was a route I hadn't been to before. This is looking back at the Macgillycuddy reeks, Irelands highest mountains.
Derrycunnihy woods. Full of old oaks, covered in moss.
Upper lake and the reeks, again
Derrycunnihy cascade.
More pictures: https://photographicdreams.nl
So what has happened since then? In March 2017 I entered a rehabilitation program for people who have had cancer. I didn't *really* start until June that year, but had intakes from March on. All in all I took part in it for 6 months, 2 months longer than normal. It was tough. Tough because I had zero energy, and my mental state was well off. They offered mental health support there as well, but sadly, not very helpful. I had a psychologist who did not seem to be able to see how I was doing mentally. It made me doubt myself a lot, and often times I thought I was crazy, because nothing seemed to make any sense.
On top of that I lost my job as well, and not in a nice way. After working for the organisation for 15 years, I was let go because I hadn't recovered quickly enough from the cancer treatments. And after 2 years they are legally allowed to sack you. If that wasn't bad enough, it was all done in a very impersonal way. I got a cheap bottle of wine and that was it. The head of the school I worked at for 15 years didn't even give me a hand or anything. Nothing. Needless to say it didn't help my recovery, mentally.
At the end of my rehabilitation, I got a new psychologist. She managed to understand me a lot better and in the end managed to refer me to a mental health facility in my local hospital. The waiting list was about 2 months, and in January of this year I had an intake with a psychologist and psychiatrist.
The intake was supposed to take about 2 hours max., but took 3 hours. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did there. I also don't think my anxiety was as high there as it ever was. After 45 minutes with the psychologist, she went to get the psychiatrist. Within 5 minutes she mentioned the possibility of being submitted. She was worried for my well being. It made me ugly cry, because if anything, being submitted was something I wanted to prevent at all costs. She explained though that I suffered from severe depression and that she wanted to submit me in order to give me some time off. In the end we agreed to allow me to go home, but I would have to start a program there.
Being diagnosed with severe depression came as a shock to me. Even though I wasn't doing well at all, in my mind things weren't as bad as they thought it was. Depression was when you wouldn't leave your bed at all, and wanted to kill yourself. I didn't want to be alive perse, but wasn't suicidal either. And I still managed to go out and do stuff.
But after the intake, it was as if my entire body and mind could finally let go. I had several panic attacks and eventually ended up staying with my parents for several nights because I was scared to be on my own.
Currently I'm in therapy and on anti-depressants. I was on anxiety medication as well, but managed to quit it a while ago. The meds do indeed help, I've got more focus and I'm also able to express myself again, instead of talking slowly and forgetting words. Things are not as dark as they used to be and I see now that I was really at rock bottom. But things are not 'fine'. My self-esteem is still quite low. I still, often, feel like I'm not really here, that I'm watching my life go by from a distance. The fact that it's three years since I last worked isn't helping much either. Feels like I'm failing life and am a loser. And while being in therapy is good, I often feel I don't belong there. Because other people have much worse problems than me, because nothing seems to change. The thought that I can't be helped is still very much present. And I'm often scared that one day they will indeed tell me that this is it.
Anyway...three weeks ago I went to Ireland again. First holiday in almost 2 years. I went there for 2 weeks, because a week felt too short. Turned out that 2 weeks was too short as well. Because it took me a long, long time to just enjoy myself, to let go of the thoughts that I HAD to do something. Anyway, some pics:
The colourful town of Cobh.
I stumbled upon this deer while walking through the national park.
Muckross house and jaunting car.
Colourful boats
Derrycunnihy church
Ladies view
Bike on boat trip through all the lakes, which took 1,5 hours. I met a lovely Canadian/American couple with three of their children with whom I had a lovely chat.
Eventhough I've been to Killarney many times now, this was a route I hadn't been to before. This is looking back at the Macgillycuddy reeks, Irelands highest mountains.
Derrycunnihy woods. Full of old oaks, covered in moss.
Upper lake and the reeks, again
Derrycunnihy cascade.
More pictures: https://photographicdreams.nl
End of year meme
24 December 2017 02:09It's been almost a year since I last updated this journal. I have tried many times to write something, but in the end gave up. Words wouldn't show, or didn't make sense, or would feel too depressing. But I couldn't skip the yearly meme. Which is the most depressing one I've ever done I believe.
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
 | Tags: |
My last real post dates back to the beginning of August. It's not that nothing happened since, on the contrary, but I just didn't even know how to put things to word.
Currently I'm working 4 hours a week. Which isn't a lot, and I'm nowhere near teaching at this point, but it's a start. The bureaucracy concerning work and illnesses etc...is mind-blowing. I'm currently at a point in which I think life was much more calm during cancer treatment than it is now.
Anyway...last Tuesday I decided to go into the woods again, after a long, long time. It was a very foggy day, which was perfect, because sounds get quieter and the entire world seems to be more calm and serene. I had my iPhone with me and managed to get some decent shots out of it, considering.
( Read more... )
Currently I'm working 4 hours a week. Which isn't a lot, and I'm nowhere near teaching at this point, but it's a start. The bureaucracy concerning work and illnesses etc...is mind-blowing. I'm currently at a point in which I think life was much more calm during cancer treatment than it is now.
Anyway...last Tuesday I decided to go into the woods again, after a long, long time. It was a very foggy day, which was perfect, because sounds get quieter and the entire world seems to be more calm and serene. I had my iPhone with me and managed to get some decent shots out of it, considering.
( Read more... ) | Tags: |
I had my final round of radiation today. Almost 6 full weeks I had to go to the hospital daily. I managed to adjust to it as well again, managed to find a routine in it, a rhythm. A lot of times I was joined by people who wanted to escort me to the hospital, which was quite nice. I got to know those people on a different level, they got to know me on a different level. They also got a peek into my world, everyone was allowed inside the radiation room with me while they prepared me. Each and every time one of the assistants would take the time to explain everything to each and everyone who joined me.
Sometimes I went to the radiation on my own, which was also quite nice. I always had my routine, always tried to sit outside in the sun with a coffee for a bit. I even walked a couple of times from the station to the hospital, which was meditative in a way.
Six weeks ago I wondered how I'd manage 28 rounds of radiation, just like I wondered how I'd ever survive chemo. But I did. I managed to embrace the entire ordeal once again, just like I managed to embrace the hospital, the staff there and a lot of other things.
Today was the final round. Another thing has come to an end. I have to let go of something that I started to get adjusted to once again.
A year ago I wanted to move the time forward, wanted it all to be over. And now the end is nearing and all I can do is cry. I still don't understand what happened this last year. I still can't fully comprehend the intensity of it all. Chemo became the new normal, just like radiation did. It's not normal to undergo those kind of treatments, but for some reason my mind can't wrap its head around it and accepted it as the new normal.
It's fascinating how you're able to adjust to whatever you're in, how you can grow fond of something that is so ugly and terrifying.
People congratulate me with the fact that radiation is now over and done with as well, that the end of everything is near. And I can't share in their excitement. Because I am scared. My life is not the same as it was before the cancer, and currently it's quite safe and simple. How can I adjust to a normal life again, and what is that? Who am I? What has happened? How can I even begin to truly feel the intensity of it all?
Seven more weeks of immune therapy and then it really is done. It's freaking me out so much and I can't even begin to explain to people why and how it feels. I feel weird about it, about myself, about feeling the way I do. I year ago I wanted nothing more than to get well again, and now I just find it so very difficult to let go of what was. Because...?
Sometimes I went to the radiation on my own, which was also quite nice. I always had my routine, always tried to sit outside in the sun with a coffee for a bit. I even walked a couple of times from the station to the hospital, which was meditative in a way.
Six weeks ago I wondered how I'd manage 28 rounds of radiation, just like I wondered how I'd ever survive chemo. But I did. I managed to embrace the entire ordeal once again, just like I managed to embrace the hospital, the staff there and a lot of other things.
Today was the final round. Another thing has come to an end. I have to let go of something that I started to get adjusted to once again.
A year ago I wanted to move the time forward, wanted it all to be over. And now the end is nearing and all I can do is cry. I still don't understand what happened this last year. I still can't fully comprehend the intensity of it all. Chemo became the new normal, just like radiation did. It's not normal to undergo those kind of treatments, but for some reason my mind can't wrap its head around it and accepted it as the new normal.
It's fascinating how you're able to adjust to whatever you're in, how you can grow fond of something that is so ugly and terrifying.
People congratulate me with the fact that radiation is now over and done with as well, that the end of everything is near. And I can't share in their excitement. Because I am scared. My life is not the same as it was before the cancer, and currently it's quite safe and simple. How can I adjust to a normal life again, and what is that? Who am I? What has happened? How can I even begin to truly feel the intensity of it all?
Seven more weeks of immune therapy and then it really is done. It's freaking me out so much and I can't even begin to explain to people why and how it feels. I feel weird about it, about myself, about feeling the way I do. I year ago I wanted nothing more than to get well again, and now I just find it so very difficult to let go of what was. Because...?
 | Tags: |
Dear cancer
12 July 2016 18:45A year ago I found out you resided in my breast. You turned my life upside down. An innocent lump, barely 3cm in size, was turned into a massive, life size monster by you. All securities life offered me, you managed to take away from me in one go. You forced me to think about ever wanting kids of my own, about my future, my life. You managed to take away my trust in my own body. You managed to have my head work overtime. You, literally, fought a fight of life and death and you didn’t surrender easily. By that, you made me more ill than I have ever been before. I lost my hair, many kilos of body weight, and the faith I had in my own body. You played with my emotions and feelings. You often made me cry intense, desperately, because I was no longer in control of my own life. You also made me angry, because I no longer recognised my body as my own. You often took away my freedom, which, above all, is so sacred to me. You gave me permanent scars, on my body as well as on my soul. You taught me words, lines, phrases I never even knew existed. You took away my life, but in return gave me back a whole new life. You were intense, but I’m so happy you were there. Because you also brought me so much beauty. You made my life a lot simpler for instance. You showed me how surrounded I am by wonderful, caring people. You showed me how lucky I am to have such awesome parents, but also sister and nieces. You let me see that I am not alone, that there will always be people to comfort me. You also gave me a wonderful, sweet, caring oncology nurse who was so good at making things feel a lot softer a lot of times. You gave me wonderful, caring nurses and other people in the hospital. They turned visits to the hospital always into a mini party, even when there was nothing to really celebrate. They allowed me to cry when I needed to, but could also make me laugh out loud so many times. You showed me how I will always bounce right back, stronger than ever. You made me connect with my inner-self again, you taught me how to be more aware of the beauty in life, no matter how small.
It’s been an overwhelming and intense year so far, and we’re still not there. But dear cancer, I’m so grateful to you that you allowed me to experience this year. It has been, despite everything, a beautiful, wonderful year. Many thanks for that, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, not even the lesser moments.
Currently you’re no longer residing in my body, but you’ll always be a part of my life. Every now and then, I’m sure, you’ll manage to stir things up again. And that’s alright. Because I know those moments won’t last, that in the end it will all be fine again, however that may be.
So again: thank you, for everything.
 | Tags: |
So...stuff happened since my last update:
- I finally got to meet my oncology nurse 2,5 weeks ago. She wasn't seeing any patients, it was her first day back and seeing patients was too overwhelming for her. But she wanted to see me. Needless to say it was good. If all goes well, I'll see her again this Thursday.
- Radiation started last thursday. 28 rounds of radiation to go, 5 days a week. It amazes me how at first I am freaked out by everything, and then adjust once more. I had my 3rd round of radiation today and I'll manage I think. Not sure how it'll be a few weeks from now, but it's alright now. Except for the tiredness maybe. Already I am so, so, so tired. Lack of sleep has a huge part in it as well.
- I booked a trip to Ireland for the end of September.
- My oncology nurse advised me, weeks ago, to maybe do something creative in order to get it quiet in my head. I've tried all sorts of techniques so far (acrylic, oil painting, crayons, water colouring). I have to say I like water colouring combined with pen drawings the most so far. I like to just doodle, or make patterns:
 | Tags: |
Post-chemo look
14 June 2016 20:40This is me, post-chemo. Pic was taken today, so more recent than this is impossible.
Thank you all for always taking the time to comment. I am truly sorry I don't comment back too often, if at all. That's a pathetic line to use, but I do mean it though.
I was supposed to see my oncology nurse today, but they called yesterday, informing me she still wouldn't be there. A new appointment was made for Thursday and I have all my fingers and toes crossed she will be there. It's been too long. A lot of tears have been shed the past couple of weeks. And although professional help is available, the psychologist I tried didn't work out for me, neither did my therapist. I am very picky when it comes to people, and their help/support. I don't let you in easily and if I don't feel an instant click, it's not going to happen. I have this click with my oncology nurse, and she offered to be there for me when needed. Sadly her dad got very ill, so everything was put on hold.
Due to being overwhelmed by everything, I forgot to mention that the cancer is now in remission. Scans showed nothing anymore, surgery also came up clean. So I'm basically cancer free now! Has it sunk in yet? No, not at all. Will it ever? No idea. Two weeks ago I touched my breast because it hurt a lot and I felt a big, big lump. I knew it couldn't be a tumor, but the reaction, emotionally, was strong nonetheless. Because it took me right back to almost a year ago. It's a big, big trigger. And sometimes I think it's all no big deal, I'm not emotionally scarred by it all, but I am.
Radiation is still planned. Was supposed to start this week, but I couldn't. Too much pain, but also emotionally I'm a wreck. I don't want to do radiation, which will be 28 rounds, spread out over 5 days a week. I don't want it. I don't want to deal with more side-effects. I don't want to experience more pain. I don't want to do this. I also don't want to do the hormone therapy. I just want my body, my life back.
I also want my oncology nurse back. Hopefully this Friday I'll know more, but so far I've been told no one knew exactly how long she might be gone. Without her, everything is even more frightful and scary. Nothing makes sense. Surgery is 4 weeks ago and it feels like it happened in another lifetime. I still can't comprehend all that happened up until now. I've been crying so much these past few weeks, and then there are day in which I don't feel a thing. My sleep is fucked for weeks and it's just still a giant rollercoaster I am in.
Remission...I don't even know what it means. Sometimes, when I see something on TV which involves a person with cancer, I cry, because for a short bit I realise I was/am that kind of person too. But more often I just don't understand, still. Will I ever? Will things ever become 'normal' and 'good' again?
Radiation is still planned. Was supposed to start this week, but I couldn't. Too much pain, but also emotionally I'm a wreck. I don't want to do radiation, which will be 28 rounds, spread out over 5 days a week. I don't want it. I don't want to deal with more side-effects. I don't want to experience more pain. I don't want to do this. I also don't want to do the hormone therapy. I just want my body, my life back.
I also want my oncology nurse back. Hopefully this Friday I'll know more, but so far I've been told no one knew exactly how long she might be gone. Without her, everything is even more frightful and scary. Nothing makes sense. Surgery is 4 weeks ago and it feels like it happened in another lifetime. I still can't comprehend all that happened up until now. I've been crying so much these past few weeks, and then there are day in which I don't feel a thing. My sleep is fucked for weeks and it's just still a giant rollercoaster I am in.
Remission...I don't even know what it means. Sometimes, when I see something on TV which involves a person with cancer, I cry, because for a short bit I realise I was/am that kind of person too. But more often I just don't understand, still. Will I ever? Will things ever become 'normal' and 'good' again?
 | Tags: |
Last Thursday I heard that this Tuesday my oncology nurse Antoinette wouldn't be there to see me due to family circumstances. I was devastated, because the need to see her and talk to her had never been more high. I understood though, and hoped that we could soon set up an appointment.
Then this Saturday I got mail from the hospital. All sorts of appointments for june 30th with loads of people and also an appointment with a nurse, but not Antoinette. I freaked out. Would she still not be there by then? How will I ever be able to get through the rest of this road without her, how will I be able to deal with everything without her?
This morning I called the hospital. She won't be there until at least the middle of July, or at least not frequently. The receptionist was kind enough to send Antoinette a mail, to ask if and when she would be able to see me, but my hopes are very, very low at the moment.
And I don't know how to deal with all this. Just a few weeks ago she promised me I could see her more often, could even call her and she would listen. And now she's not there. I understand why, really, but my feelings don't.
Back in my life I've been hurt and disappointed by a lot of people. Promises being made and never kept. It's all coming back again. I've developed trust issues, I don't let you in easily. But when I do, it means I trust you. I trust Antoinette, which makes this all the harder to deal with. Not again.
I really hope I'll be able to see her and talk to her soon, and not somewhere in August. Because I don't want to enter another stage without her, I won't, and I can't. But I also understand that this can't be postponed for so long. I also know that August, for my wellbeing, is too far away.
Then this Saturday I got mail from the hospital. All sorts of appointments for june 30th with loads of people and also an appointment with a nurse, but not Antoinette. I freaked out. Would she still not be there by then? How will I ever be able to get through the rest of this road without her, how will I be able to deal with everything without her?
This morning I called the hospital. She won't be there until at least the middle of July, or at least not frequently. The receptionist was kind enough to send Antoinette a mail, to ask if and when she would be able to see me, but my hopes are very, very low at the moment.
And I don't know how to deal with all this. Just a few weeks ago she promised me I could see her more often, could even call her and she would listen. And now she's not there. I understand why, really, but my feelings don't.
Back in my life I've been hurt and disappointed by a lot of people. Promises being made and never kept. It's all coming back again. I've developed trust issues, I don't let you in easily. But when I do, it means I trust you. I trust Antoinette, which makes this all the harder to deal with. Not again.
I really hope I'll be able to see her and talk to her soon, and not somewhere in August. Because I don't want to enter another stage without her, I won't, and I can't. But I also understand that this can't be postponed for so long. I also know that August, for my wellbeing, is too far away.
I was actually counting the days till upcoming Tuesday. The day things would make sense again, the day in which things would be a lot nicer again, softer too, calmer, friendlier. The day I would get to see Antoinette again, my wonderful oncology nurse. The 1 person who helps me to stay sane in an overwhelming world. The 1 person who knows how to always say the right things at the right time.
But she won't be there, I won't be seeing her because her dad is seriously ill. And of course she's not there, I understand that so well, but the need to see her, talk to her has never been more high than now. Tuesday was too far away even.
So much has happened. The surgery, how it was such a traumatic experience, the excruciating pain, the loneliness, and then to top it all, me finding out I won't have a class to teach anymore next year, without anyone telling me, talking to me about it, asking me about it. I just happened to read it in the minutes. I still don't know what happened there. Wrote a very angry email and so far have yet to hear back from my boss.
I feel like I went into surgery and never actually woke up from it. I'm still in this nightmare. I have no clue anymore what the fuck is happening. How can it be the end of May already? What the fuck happened? Is this my life? I don't have any control over anything anymore. I haven't had time to deal with it all and it just keeps on coming and coming and coming and I'm at this point where I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just don't. Nothing makes any sense anymore and I'm choking.
But she won't be there, I won't be seeing her because her dad is seriously ill. And of course she's not there, I understand that so well, but the need to see her, talk to her has never been more high than now. Tuesday was too far away even.
So much has happened. The surgery, how it was such a traumatic experience, the excruciating pain, the loneliness, and then to top it all, me finding out I won't have a class to teach anymore next year, without anyone telling me, talking to me about it, asking me about it. I just happened to read it in the minutes. I still don't know what happened there. Wrote a very angry email and so far have yet to hear back from my boss.
I feel like I went into surgery and never actually woke up from it. I'm still in this nightmare. I have no clue anymore what the fuck is happening. How can it be the end of May already? What the fuck happened? Is this my life? I don't have any control over anything anymore. I haven't had time to deal with it all and it just keeps on coming and coming and coming and I'm at this point where I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just don't. Nothing makes any sense anymore and I'm choking.