End of year meme
24 December 2017 02:09![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prettygoodyearIt's been almost a year since I last updated this journal. I have tried many times to write something, but in the end gave up. Words wouldn't show, or didn't make sense, or would feel too depressing. But I couldn't skip the yearly meme. Which is the most depressing one I've ever done I believe.
1. What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?
- Getting depressed and taking medications for it.
- Going to a rehabilitation centre for 6 months, twice a week, in order to get fit and healthy again, which in the end, didn't really work out that well
- Getting fired from my job, because I didn’t recover quickly enough from the cancer treatments
- Getting treatment for neuropathy. Which was not fun and quite traumatic and it’s to be seen it actually worked.
- Getting a dexascan, to see if my bones are still fit. Which they are.
- Getting a b12 deficiency and shots for it as well. Which didn't do much.
- I sailed on a sail boat as well this year. I didn’t actually do shit, but sit in the sun, but it was nice.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- As always: never make them, never keep them
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
- no
4. Did anyone close to you die?
- no
5. What countries did you visit?
- Germany. Belgium. And that was it.
6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
- I’d like to have myself back. Ever since I survived cancer, I’ve been a mess. Because I have a body I no longer understand. There’s pain a lot of days, there’s oedema all the time which hurts, is tiresome etc…Then there’s the tiredness. The lack of focus. My mind and body are both residing on a different planet, not communicating at all anymore. I don’t understand myself anymore. I often feel like a failure because I’ve been cancer and treatment free for more than a year now, and I still don’t manage to live a life. In 2016 I managed to feel happiness a lot of times, but these days there’s just guilt. If I enjoy something, it’s short lived, because I feel guilty. Because if I can do this, or that, I should also be able to work again, or… True happiness is also something I find hard to feel. It’s just not there. Which equals more guilt, because don’t I have every reason to be happy, thankful to be alive?
7. What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Ehm…I think this entire year, overall? Nothing really stands out by a certain date. Certain events do, but I can’t pin them to an exact date.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
There’s not really an achievement I accomplished this year, or at least that’s how it feels. I think maybe not giving in and still keep on breathing? But it often feels like not really an achievement. Because while I still breathe, I don’t actually live.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Everything? This year hasn’t been one I’m proud of. And even writing this down, or not coming up with a biggest achievement, activates all the guilt.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
A mild stomach flu. In July I was told my B12 levels were really low, and got weekly shots for that, which didn’t do much though. A few weeks ago my oncologist told me that my iron levels were extremely high. Like…way too high. But more blood tests didn’t reveal a cause, so currently we don’t know what it is and it’s been left alone. I also suffered (suffer?) from a (mild) depression. Which eventually let to anxiety, and the feeling of going crazy because nothing makes sense. This year I so often just freaked out so much because people talked to me, and I didn’t understand their words, they didn’t make sense. And even my own thoughts and feelings were all over the place. The past few months the feeling of being a bystander, not really here, are growing stronger. It’s not really an illness, perse, but it’s preventing me from living a healthy life though.
11.What was the best thing you bought?
Ticket to Ireland, for this coming June. Two weeks away from everything. Art supplies.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
So, okay…in October I got a new psychologist. She was about my age. After so many mismatches, she was one that seemed to understand me. She was the first who didn’t just tell me ‘ I shouldn’t worry so much’ or ‘that it still was a good thing I went out to do things’, ignoring my anxiety, and stress etc…Sadly, I’ve only talked to her for 6 times, because she got another job far, far away. But she was helpful these past few weeks.
Antoinette is also still someone that kept me sane, a lot, this year. Even though hospital treatment has ended well over a year ago, I was, and still am, welcome every now and then to talk. Currently there’s a lot of guilt inside of me about that as well, because it’s always the same we talk about and it must be so depressing to her. But she always tells me she wants me to talk to her, and that I am always welcome.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
1: My (ex)boss. Who is the most incompetent twat ever.
2: The school organisation I worked for. They have managed to cause me so much more stress this year. They told me so many lies. They made me feel so worthless. After working for them for 15 years they couldn’t even give me a decent thank you etc…And even though they didn’t have to fire me, they did, because they could. Fuckers!
3: The reintegration coach that was forced onto me by the school organisation I worked for. She managed to tell me “she also once had breast cancer, but so much worse than me though!” and then denied it.
4: my first psychologist at the rehabilitation centre. My anxiety was so severe one time, that I panicked, cried so much and didn’t know what to do. But my 45 minutes were up and she just let me go. I really didn’t know what to do, or where to go to and it was so scary. She also always made me feel worse about myself, because she didn’t listen.
I felt so alone and so misunderstood this year, so often.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage. Bills bills bills.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Nothing. I really, really, really didn’t get excited over anything this year. It was either anxiety, or just this numbness.
Oh…but I did get somewhat excited visiting the art store. Buying stuff to try out at home etc…
16. What song will always remind you of 2017?
I don’t think any?
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder?
I have no idea. Neither. Just more numb. Different at least. I hate this question.
ii. Thinner or fatter?
Probably fatter. I haven’t stepped on the scale in a long time.
iii. richer or poorer?
For some bizarre reason, richer. While my income dropped a lot though…
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I can’t even answer this question. Living I guess. At the time of writing this though, I have no idea. Oh…maybe be kinder to myself. Also: more art. Often I was too tired, in my head, or too insecure, or…
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Suck at life so much. Whining. Crying. Being angry at myself so much, feeling like such a loser.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Can we skip it this year? I am not looking forward to it, although today, writing this, it’s okayish now. I invited my parents over for a brunch. Will have dinner over at their house. And that’s it. I think.
21. How will you be spending New Years?
I’ll be visiting my best friend.
22. Did you fall in love in 2017?
Ha. No. Will I ever?
23. How many one-night stands?
zero.
24. What was your favourite TV program?
Please Like Me. Seriously. I <3 this show so much. Funny, but also serious at times.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I still don’t hate anyone. I lost all my respect for my boss though.
26. What was the best book you read?
I still haven’t read any book. I listened to 2 Harry Potter books though, narrated by the wonderful Stephen Fry.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm…
28. What did you want and get?
Art room in my house. Put up a desk in my spare bedroom. It’s not perfect, at all, but it’s nice.
29. What did you want and not get?
- my job
- a nice farewell from my school.
- a nice, sincere thank you and ‘we’re so sorry’ from my school organisation and boss.
- less stress
- less tiredness
- better health
- myself
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hmmm…
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Yeah…well…my birthday this year was the most depressing one ever. I was so depressed, I didn’t even celebrate it. My parents did come over for a bit, but I wasn’t mentally there.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not being such a debbie downer. Not losing my job. Not losing a lot of income. Not having to deal with so much shit this year. The better part of this year was taken up by so much stress. It started with work stress, by not knowing exactly what to do, no one there to really guide me. But also no one there to appreciate me, or acknowledge me. Then there was also the stress of having to enter a program to help me prepare for a completely different kind of direction work related. Which required home work, tests etc…I had hardly comprehended what the fuck had happened to me when I was diagnosed with cancer. I was still in the middle of recovering, and already had to move on, because it was believed I wouldn’t be returning in my previous position. The way everything was handled, with no care, no understanding of me, the situation I was in, it was so extremely stressful. And again: I felt so alone and lost.
Then there was the stress around the rehabilitation route. It took 3 months before I had an intake. Then it took another 2,5 months before I could actually start. I had to call them myself a lot of times, and with the state I was in at that time, that caused so much more stress. I started to doubt myself so much more during that time.
Getting the right psychologist straight away would also have been helpful. Upon intake she straight up asked me if I felt a click, because I would have to work with here for the entire time I was there. I felt like I had no choice, again, because of the state I was in. But she wasn’t the right fit. She ignored my thoughts and feelings. Always made me leave in a worse state than I came in. She fuelled my anxiety so much.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
Casual.
34. What kept you sane?
A lot of times nothing. But in the end things weren’t ‘that’ bad, because I managed to breathe and go on. Antoinette kept me sane a lot of times, although currently even she doesn’t seem to be able to do the trick anymore.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Yeah…what didn’t? What a mess is this world currently!
37. Who did you miss?
I missed myself. I missed the feeling of belonging. Not working, no colleagues, no more hospital treatments etc…I don’t belong anywhere really.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
My second psychologist. Because I felt heard.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:
You can have had cancer, and be in remission, and thus having everything to be grateful for. And yet you can still fuck it all up.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“Woke up to a world that I am not a part except when I can play it’s stranger”
1. What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?
- Getting depressed and taking medications for it.
- Going to a rehabilitation centre for 6 months, twice a week, in order to get fit and healthy again, which in the end, didn't really work out that well
- Getting fired from my job, because I didn’t recover quickly enough from the cancer treatments
- Getting treatment for neuropathy. Which was not fun and quite traumatic and it’s to be seen it actually worked.
- Getting a dexascan, to see if my bones are still fit. Which they are.
- Getting a b12 deficiency and shots for it as well. Which didn't do much.
- I sailed on a sail boat as well this year. I didn’t actually do shit, but sit in the sun, but it was nice.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- As always: never make them, never keep them
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
- no
4. Did anyone close to you die?
- no
5. What countries did you visit?
- Germany. Belgium. And that was it.
6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?
- I’d like to have myself back. Ever since I survived cancer, I’ve been a mess. Because I have a body I no longer understand. There’s pain a lot of days, there’s oedema all the time which hurts, is tiresome etc…Then there’s the tiredness. The lack of focus. My mind and body are both residing on a different planet, not communicating at all anymore. I don’t understand myself anymore. I often feel like a failure because I’ve been cancer and treatment free for more than a year now, and I still don’t manage to live a life. In 2016 I managed to feel happiness a lot of times, but these days there’s just guilt. If I enjoy something, it’s short lived, because I feel guilty. Because if I can do this, or that, I should also be able to work again, or… True happiness is also something I find hard to feel. It’s just not there. Which equals more guilt, because don’t I have every reason to be happy, thankful to be alive?
7. What date from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Ehm…I think this entire year, overall? Nothing really stands out by a certain date. Certain events do, but I can’t pin them to an exact date.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
There’s not really an achievement I accomplished this year, or at least that’s how it feels. I think maybe not giving in and still keep on breathing? But it often feels like not really an achievement. Because while I still breathe, I don’t actually live.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Everything? This year hasn’t been one I’m proud of. And even writing this down, or not coming up with a biggest achievement, activates all the guilt.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
A mild stomach flu. In July I was told my B12 levels were really low, and got weekly shots for that, which didn’t do much though. A few weeks ago my oncologist told me that my iron levels were extremely high. Like…way too high. But more blood tests didn’t reveal a cause, so currently we don’t know what it is and it’s been left alone. I also suffered (suffer?) from a (mild) depression. Which eventually let to anxiety, and the feeling of going crazy because nothing makes sense. This year I so often just freaked out so much because people talked to me, and I didn’t understand their words, they didn’t make sense. And even my own thoughts and feelings were all over the place. The past few months the feeling of being a bystander, not really here, are growing stronger. It’s not really an illness, perse, but it’s preventing me from living a healthy life though.
11.What was the best thing you bought?
Ticket to Ireland, for this coming June. Two weeks away from everything. Art supplies.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
So, okay…in October I got a new psychologist. She was about my age. After so many mismatches, she was one that seemed to understand me. She was the first who didn’t just tell me ‘ I shouldn’t worry so much’ or ‘that it still was a good thing I went out to do things’, ignoring my anxiety, and stress etc…Sadly, I’ve only talked to her for 6 times, because she got another job far, far away. But she was helpful these past few weeks.
Antoinette is also still someone that kept me sane, a lot, this year. Even though hospital treatment has ended well over a year ago, I was, and still am, welcome every now and then to talk. Currently there’s a lot of guilt inside of me about that as well, because it’s always the same we talk about and it must be so depressing to her. But she always tells me she wants me to talk to her, and that I am always welcome.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
1: My (ex)boss. Who is the most incompetent twat ever.
2: The school organisation I worked for. They have managed to cause me so much more stress this year. They told me so many lies. They made me feel so worthless. After working for them for 15 years they couldn’t even give me a decent thank you etc…And even though they didn’t have to fire me, they did, because they could. Fuckers!
3: The reintegration coach that was forced onto me by the school organisation I worked for. She managed to tell me “she also once had breast cancer, but so much worse than me though!” and then denied it.
4: my first psychologist at the rehabilitation centre. My anxiety was so severe one time, that I panicked, cried so much and didn’t know what to do. But my 45 minutes were up and she just let me go. I really didn’t know what to do, or where to go to and it was so scary. She also always made me feel worse about myself, because she didn’t listen.
I felt so alone and so misunderstood this year, so often.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage. Bills bills bills.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Nothing. I really, really, really didn’t get excited over anything this year. It was either anxiety, or just this numbness.
Oh…but I did get somewhat excited visiting the art store. Buying stuff to try out at home etc…
16. What song will always remind you of 2017?
I don’t think any?
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder?
I have no idea. Neither. Just more numb. Different at least. I hate this question.
ii. Thinner or fatter?
Probably fatter. I haven’t stepped on the scale in a long time.
iii. richer or poorer?
For some bizarre reason, richer. While my income dropped a lot though…
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I can’t even answer this question. Living I guess. At the time of writing this though, I have no idea. Oh…maybe be kinder to myself. Also: more art. Often I was too tired, in my head, or too insecure, or…
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Suck at life so much. Whining. Crying. Being angry at myself so much, feeling like such a loser.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Can we skip it this year? I am not looking forward to it, although today, writing this, it’s okayish now. I invited my parents over for a brunch. Will have dinner over at their house. And that’s it. I think.
21. How will you be spending New Years?
I’ll be visiting my best friend.
22. Did you fall in love in 2017?
Ha. No. Will I ever?
23. How many one-night stands?
zero.
24. What was your favourite TV program?
Please Like Me. Seriously. I <3 this show so much. Funny, but also serious at times.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I still don’t hate anyone. I lost all my respect for my boss though.
26. What was the best book you read?
I still haven’t read any book. I listened to 2 Harry Potter books though, narrated by the wonderful Stephen Fry.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmmm…
28. What did you want and get?
Art room in my house. Put up a desk in my spare bedroom. It’s not perfect, at all, but it’s nice.
29. What did you want and not get?
- my job
- a nice farewell from my school.
- a nice, sincere thank you and ‘we’re so sorry’ from my school organisation and boss.
- less stress
- less tiredness
- better health
- myself
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hmmm…
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Yeah…well…my birthday this year was the most depressing one ever. I was so depressed, I didn’t even celebrate it. My parents did come over for a bit, but I wasn’t mentally there.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not being such a debbie downer. Not losing my job. Not losing a lot of income. Not having to deal with so much shit this year. The better part of this year was taken up by so much stress. It started with work stress, by not knowing exactly what to do, no one there to really guide me. But also no one there to appreciate me, or acknowledge me. Then there was also the stress of having to enter a program to help me prepare for a completely different kind of direction work related. Which required home work, tests etc…I had hardly comprehended what the fuck had happened to me when I was diagnosed with cancer. I was still in the middle of recovering, and already had to move on, because it was believed I wouldn’t be returning in my previous position. The way everything was handled, with no care, no understanding of me, the situation I was in, it was so extremely stressful. And again: I felt so alone and lost.
Then there was the stress around the rehabilitation route. It took 3 months before I had an intake. Then it took another 2,5 months before I could actually start. I had to call them myself a lot of times, and with the state I was in at that time, that caused so much more stress. I started to doubt myself so much more during that time.
Getting the right psychologist straight away would also have been helpful. Upon intake she straight up asked me if I felt a click, because I would have to work with here for the entire time I was there. I felt like I had no choice, again, because of the state I was in. But she wasn’t the right fit. She ignored my thoughts and feelings. Always made me leave in a worse state than I came in. She fuelled my anxiety so much.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?
Casual.
34. What kept you sane?
A lot of times nothing. But in the end things weren’t ‘that’ bad, because I managed to breathe and go on. Antoinette kept me sane a lot of times, although currently even she doesn’t seem to be able to do the trick anymore.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Yeah…what didn’t? What a mess is this world currently!
37. Who did you miss?
I missed myself. I missed the feeling of belonging. Not working, no colleagues, no more hospital treatments etc…I don’t belong anywhere really.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
My second psychologist. Because I felt heard.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:
You can have had cancer, and be in remission, and thus having everything to be grateful for. And yet you can still fuck it all up.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“Woke up to a world that I am not a part except when I can play it’s stranger”
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