Well I know it's just a spring haze

My living room has been pretty much the same ever since I moved out of my parents house, 16 years ago. I loved the red wall, and the setup was one I still liked. But for a while, I wantd to change some things. I still had an unused desk downstairs for instance, that didn't really fit. So a few weeks ago I made a trip to Ikea and found things I liked.
Last week I took everything down, and repainted the wall. I still wanted it to be red, but it was a massive struggle. In the end the wall was painted 5 times, from red, to grey. And it's finally okay. Big change, from red, to grey, but it's actually quite nice. Yesterday my dad and I put everything together and I am quite pleased with how everything looks.

This week I somehow had some kind of episode in which I decided to clean all the things. And by that I mean: get rid of a lot of stuff and reorganise. I threw away all my papers from college. Threw out a lot of drawings and other things from my childhood. Also put things in boxes to give to a second hand store. All in all I filled about 25 boxes. My spare bedroom is almost empty now. I also ordered some drawers from Ikea, to put in the spare bedroom and also in the study. Things will FINALLY look decluttered, neat and organized.
Today, after therapy, I was still in a flow and cleared my shed/garage. Put the shevling unit from the spare bedroom in there, bought some boxes to organize things. It finally looks organized and neat.

Next week they'll pick up all my boxes and then on Friday Ikea will deliver the new drawers.

I feel like such an adult.

So my house and garden sorta look okayish again. Don't look too close because then there are still things to see that could use better attention, but it's more clean that it was this morning. Do I feel satisfied? A little, but mostly I feel like "goddamn it's 4 o'clock on a sunday and where has my weekend been?". Saturdays consist of grocery shopping and all other things that need to be done. I also try to go out for a bit just to see a different scenery instead of work/house. But it means I go on and on and on and I am not good at it. I am a lazy person.

Anyway...working full time is starting to take it's toll. The money is nice, but I miss my space, my freedom. And mostly: my sanity.
I don't read as many books as I like, I don't do anything else as much as I like. I feel like I'm ignoring the world even more now.

Also: this teaching thing...is it really my thing? I've said it before: do it for a year and then maybe for once and for all quit. It's nice to be around other people, because I tend to become a hermit. The kids are nice as well, but not always. The teaching thing is something I enjoy most 1 on 1, teaching an entire class is just not something I think I am good at, or enjoy. I'm also struggling with all the rules, the plans I have to write, the negativity I often get from parents, camp, observations in my class (HUGE stress factor), and just seeing how kids treat each other. I work my hardest to get them to see how okay they are and how nice it is to treat everyone with respect, but so often it's just not working. The holidays are nice, but all the work isn't. And teaching has never 100% been my thing, but it was something, and then it became convenient and then it became something reliable, I knew what to expect and it was safe. But happiness? No.

Do I already know what else I want to do though? No. I still have no clue. I still don't think I'm really good at anything people related, at least not good enough to make a living out of it. I am too much of a perfectionist that way, but also a pessimist.

I'm getting tired of myself, the things I do and not do, the life I am currently living, the lack of confidence. For years now I've been talking about how I want and need a change and yet nothing has really change or happened. But maybe I should just for once take a step and make a huge change and see what comes of it. Teaching for another year isn't bringing me a lot of excitement, I feel like I am really done with it. Now to just make a move and do something...

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To remind myself how piggish I can be, I took some before and after photos of the kitchen/living room today. Because I'm just not good at cleaning and being a housewife. I do not enjoy it, do not get it and find it wasteful of my precious time. But a clean house (or in my case, living room/kitchen) is kinda nice when you get unexpected visitors (which is a general NO btw, do not visit me unannounced!) and just nice in general. Please do not mind the crappiness of the photos, I'm currently figuring out the panorama settings of my iPhone, lol. Also, these photos make it actually look not too bad, but it was though. 



Always dumping things on the kitchen table and just on the kitchen counter in general.



I basically live on the couch and it shows...



That's at least a little better, with stuff gone and tidied.



Cleaner counters and kitchen as well. But please do not open the cupboards...



Panoramic view. This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/269819.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

I really, really, really need to clean this house, do my laundry, do the dishes etc..but I can't motivate myself to get up. I'm missing the cleaning gene, obviously.

I finally got some motivation to clean the house! I went out for lunch and then decided that when I returned home I would just get started and I did. Took me 2,5 hours and there's still stuff to do, like cleaning the windows for example and do my laundry. But the house looks okay again. It's not a huge mess anymore. I even cleaned the oven, cupboards and freezer. I feel accomplished. And my head is emptier too. So that's good. Now let's see how long I can keep up with this. Probably a week or so. Ah well.