...I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost...
I find it difficult to deal with changes. I need time to adjust to new situations/people/whatever. I can get really emotional when things change and I don't have any control or power over that. Letting go of things is another thing I am not good at. I enjoy my comfy, safe bubble, as uncomfortable and unsafe it might feel sometimes. At least I know what I have. Because not knowing what I might get is scary. And then there's the saying goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye and let go. Because it means another chapter closes, another era of my life is being put away, for good (or that's how it feels). And, like I said before, a kind of safeness is leaving my life.
Anyway...14 years ago I was still a student. I was assigned to do this trainee teacher thing at a school close to my home. I rang them up and introduced myself and asked if I could come visit them that week to meet. I was getting a warm welcome once I arrived and while new things make me nervous, I felt at ease at that school. I ended up getting a job there and 14 years on still work there. With ups and downs, for sure. But it's a one-of-a-kind school. A lot of people have worked there for (almost) 40 years. It's a very close, tight group of people who care for each other. Sometimes it's difficult dealing with those who have been there so long, because they are so used to doing things in a certain way. But it says a lot when people work together for so many years.
To get to a point: last night my boss told everyone that this coming January, he will retire. And so will his wife, who is also working at my school. And while we had our differences, while I wanted to strangle them from time to time, they are a huge part of this school. I feel comfortable around them, it's a safeness. When they are gone, it will leave a gap. It's scary as well, because it can change a whole vibe. New people will arrive and will that work out? Will they fit in? Will they manage to maintain that vibe? Will I be able to feel safe and secure enough around them?
I mentioned earlier that I was thinking that this might be my final year at this school. I always felt like I would leave before anyone else, mostly because at least that way I would be in control of things. And then this happens...Of course change can be good and eventually something good will come from this. I just need my time to adjust, being the HSP that I am. It's a big change and like I said, I don't do so well with that...
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