prettygoodyear: (random text - it would be nice if someth)
 I was actually counting the days till upcoming Tuesday. The day things would make sense again, the day in which things would be a lot nicer again, softer too, calmer, friendlier. The day I would get to see Antoinette again, my wonderful oncology nurse. The 1 person who helps me to stay sane in an overwhelming world. The 1 person who knows how to always say the right things at the right time. 
But she won't be there, I won't be seeing her because her dad is seriously ill. And of course she's not there, I understand that so well, but the need to see her, talk to her has never been more high than now. Tuesday was too far away even. 

So much has happened. The surgery, how it was such a traumatic experience, the excruciating pain, the loneliness, and then to top it all, me finding out I won't have a class to teach anymore next year, without anyone telling me, talking to me about it, asking me about it. I just happened to read it in the minutes. I still don't know what happened there. Wrote a very angry email and so far have yet to hear back from my boss. 

I feel like I went into surgery and never actually woke up from it. I'm still in this nightmare. I have no clue anymore what the fuck is happening. How can it be the end of May already? What the fuck happened? Is this my life? I don't have any control over anything anymore. I haven't had time to deal with it all and it just keeps on coming and coming and coming and I'm at this point where I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just don't. Nothing makes any sense anymore and I'm choking. 
prettygoodyear: (random text - shit)
Surgery did not go to plan. At least not for me. I was supposed to go home the same day, but ended up spending two extra nights in the hospital because I was in so much pain. Apparently I suffer from nerve damage and pain. The burning sensation is really painful. Chances were slim it happened during surgery, I was even told before that this surgery usually doesn't cause too much pain. I am the unlucky one once more. Pain medication doesn't seem to help much, although the pain is sometimes less. It's supposed to get better, but this morning I was in so much pain it only seemed to get worse again. Currently it's okay, but I'm also high on morphine.

My emotions are all over the place. My freedom is yet again limited and the pain is also limiting me. I really hope that in the next few days I'll become myself again, with less pain.  
prettygoodyear: (random text - endless rain)
 It's been long since my last update. 

February 19th was supposed to be my final round of chemo, if everything went according to plan. Which it obviously didn't, because I react so strongly to it. Last week I received my 5th blood transfusion, because my HB levels were at its lowest so far: 4.7. My chemo has been postponed so often, that I am now a month behind. And it's weird, because for a while now I adjusted to the chemo, the routine etc...I embraced it even. 
And then low blood levels happened, again, and there was a talk of maybe cancelling the last round of chemo for good. I had a good week to think about it, to feel. When my lovely nurse first told me, I panicked. I was so set on finishing, had accepted the fact that I would have to endure 2 more chemotherapies etc...So when she told me they were thinking of cancelling the last round, I panicked. But the more I thought about it being an option, the calmer it got in my head. It was enough, almost 7 months of chemo was taking its toll. But I found it scary to just cancel the final round, because what if...? But somehow I started to feel okay with no more chemo. The latest blood transfusion gave me my energy back, after a long, long time. The thought of having to endure two more shitty weeks, of the dreadful Taxol etc...was actually making me anxious. I was done with it, I didn't want to get ill again, didn't want to have my energy levels drop again. 

Today I had a talk with the oncologist. My blood levels were good, so he thought it would be best to have the last round, if I was okay with it. I wasn't, but couldn't say. Because as he said: what if skipping this last round turns into regret later because it's just not good? 

But I find it so hard to go into 2 more chemotherapies now. My mind had accepted the fact that I was done, and now I have to adjust again. And I really don't want to feel ill again for 2 more weeks, I really don't. Seven months of chemo is such a long, long time and it feels like it will never end. It will, because 2 weeks from now I will have finished, one way or another, but it feels so far away now. I am so done with it all. 

And then after that I'll have to endure all the scans, the operation, radiation for at least 5 weeks and immune therapy till September. And while for several months I was okay with it all, right now I am not. I want my life back. I want to be okay again. 
prettygoodyear: (random - dreadful)
 Well, progress has not been made whatsoever health wise. In an hour I'll return to the hospital to have a talk with the oncologist. The side effects of the chemo have been massive so far, and yesterday I called the nurse while in tears. I have to be prepared for being submitted to the hospital tonight, but I don't want to. It means that the little freedom I still had, is then gone. But I also know that the current situation isn't ideal either. I just wish I was feeling better, could do my own thing again, have a decent meal etc...

I hope the talk with the oncologist will bring me something positive, something to give me my strength and faith back. There's little positivity left at the moment...
prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear  - oh crap!)
Six weeks ago I weighed about 10 kilos more than I do now. Thanks to chemo therapy. Normally I'd be thrilled to get rid of the extra kilos, but now not so much. My appetite hasn't been the same since the first round of chemo, but what's making it worse is the nausea and vomiting. A week ago I got my third round of chemo, the oncologist prescribed me super strong meds so I wouldn't feel to sick and would get through the week allright. It seemed to work at first, but as soon as I stopped with the meds, my body went into nausea and vomiting mood. Since Wednesday I've been sick most of the time, eating and drinking is a real struggle and I'm surprised I'm still functioning at this stage, because I haven't had proper food in my stomach since last Friday. My world evolves around my bed and my parent's house and that's about it. The past week I got several different kind of meds to help calm the stomach, but not much luck. The nurse I spoke to yesterday told me that if I start to get dizzy, I have to be submitted to the hospital, something I'm dreading so much, because it means even less freedom, even less of a pretty normal life.  At the same time I want to be able to eat a proper meal again, and be able to drink whatever I like. And I don't want to have to throw up anymore, because my throat is hurting and I'm just tired of it. 

I still have 6 more round of chemo to go, spread over 12 different days/18 weeks and while they are a different kind than the first 3 I got, I'm dreading it so much. I don't think I can handle any more of these cycles. 
prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear  - oh crap!)
 Yesterday I got my first immunotherapy and chemo treatment. It took all in all 5 hours to get all the medicine, with 1,5 hours of pauses. Next time it's supposed to take less time, because of the immunotherapy that my body had to get used to. During the treatment everything went smooth and well, but at night I sensed some nausea and my legs started to irritate me. Went to bed at 8.45 and had a lousy night of sleep.
Woke up this morning feeling well again, even went into town for a bit, but that wasn't the best idea. 

My taste has already changed and things just don't take nice anymore, especially bread. The nausea, despite all the medication to prevent it, is not fun either and overall I just feel shitty. Not too bad, just bad enough to only want to curl up on the couch and sleep.

Hopefully things will improve soon again so that I will feel a bit normal again. Shame I can't sit in the sun anymore, there goes my zen time at the lake for the rest of this summer...

Currently I wish all treatment was over and done with, and thought of having to do this for 6 months is not lifting my spirits at the moment. 
But I have to deal with it and hopefully it will work and make me well again.
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/292656.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (emotions - shut up!)
 Last Friday I got another echo, and then another. Because something else was visible, slightly, but it was there in my armpit. They did a biopsy. And then another because the first one didn't go well. They also injected me with a radioactive seed, to mark the tumor in my breast. If the spot they found in my armpit is faulty as well, they need to inject another radioactive seed there as well. 

When we got to the nurse later that day, she could only tell me that she basically couldn't tell me anything yet. Because of the biopsies of that day, she couldn't tell me what treatment I'll get, but she could tell me that treatment will most likely start at the end of this coming week. 

After we left, I broke down: tests upon tests upon tests, for 4 weeks now and nothing else got done. The cancer most likely not only in my breast, but now also in my armpit. The notion that all this is real, that my life might as well never ever be the same as it was, if not for the fact that the trust in my own body is completely shattered. These past 4 weeks I cried, small bits, but this was the first big cry. 

This Monday I'll hopefully get all the results and info I need. Then on Tuesday I'll go look for a wig with a friend/colleague. And then Thursday/Friday shit will get real. 

Good god I'm so fucking scared!
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/292221.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (Tori - 6:58-2)
Yesterday I had my PET/CT scan and today I would get all results. And by all, I mean also the results from last week's MRI etc...
The appointment got delayed by 15 minutes and eventually the stress got the better of me. When we entered the oncologists office, I broke down and cried. Luckily he understand and told me that "everything looks good so far!"

PET-scan looked clean, which is good. Heart pump function was working well as well and so I could take part in the TRAIN-2 study. However, the MRI did show something in one of my lymph nodes and so tomorrow more tests are required. Which means I still don't know when treatment will start and what the treatment will be like. 

Four weeks on and still no real progress and it got the better of me. This is so overwhelming and tiring and good god this is only the beginning. This is all so scary, the unknown, the treatment, everything. If I could fast-forward time to the day I am 100% clean, i'd do it in a heartbeat. 
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/292071.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (random - dreadful)
 So breast cancer it is. Holy fuck and shit and goddamn! I still can't believe it's real and it freaks me out so much! I know lots of women have dealt with this and I will deal with it as well, but it's slowly sinking in and becoming more real. Will need to be operated, get chemo, etc...They have no idea what kind of cancer it is, what caused it etc...It looks promising enough and I will hear soon enough.

Right now I wish I could run away from it all, or open my eyes en realise it's been all a bad, bad dream. Ireland is not happening this year, work won't happen either for a while. I will survive, I'll get out of this even stronger than before and at least I know how close we are as a family.

I need another good cry and then a good night of sleep as well. But fuck!



This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/289881.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear  -kill me now)
When I woke up yesterday I felt rubbish. First day of the holiday and I had a sore throat, a body that ached and just an overall "ugh" feeling. But my niece were supposed to spent the weekend with my parents and I really wanted to spent some time with them. Throughout the day things got better and I had fun. Back home I collapsed though: was shivering from the cold, took an endless shower and went to bed early. Had a dreadful night of sleep, with weird, endless dreams that continued while even awake. And most of all: a body that ached. I woke up extremely early feeling like crap, but I soon started to feel a bit better and managed to spent the entire day with the 2 girls. But it's not nighttime again and my head is pounding, my body aching and I still have soar throat and I just feel miserable.
Why does my holiday have to start off with me getting ill. And why couldn't I get ill during a school week?

Right now I just feel so crappy that I don't know how to lay down in bed, because everything aches so much. Sigh. Apparently, even though I thought I managed to survive the past couple of weeks quite fine, my body decided to tell me it needed this holiday ever so badly and needed some rest as well. Which I don't give it yet, because of the girls, but yeah. Apparently my body tells me the past couple of weeks were actually more intense than I thought.

I hope I'll just have a better night tonight though!

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/279491.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (random text - farewell)
...I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost...

I find it difficult to deal with changes. I need time to adjust to new situations/people/whatever. I can get really emotional when things change and I don't have any control or power over that. Letting go of things is another thing I am not good at. I enjoy my comfy, safe bubble, as uncomfortable and unsafe it might feel sometimes. At least I know what I have. Because not knowing what I might get is scary. And then there's the saying goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye and let go. Because it means another chapter closes, another era of my life is being put away, for good (or that's how it feels). And, like I said before, a kind of safeness is leaving my life.

Anyway...14 years ago I was still a student. I was assigned to do this trainee teacher thing at a school close to my home. I rang them up and introduced myself and asked if I could come visit them that week to meet. I was getting a warm welcome once I arrived and while new things make me nervous, I felt at ease at that school. I ended up getting a job there and 14 years on still work there. With ups and downs, for sure. But it's a one-of-a-kind school. A lot of people have worked there for (almost) 40 years. It's a very close, tight group of people who care for each other. Sometimes it's difficult dealing with those who have been there so long, because they are so used to doing things in a certain way. But it says a lot when people work together for so many years.

To get to a point: last night my boss told everyone that this coming January, he will retire. And so will his wife, who is also working at my school. And while we had our differences, while I wanted to strangle them from time to time, they are a huge part of this school. I feel comfortable around them, it's a safeness. When they are gone, it will leave a gap. It's scary as well, because it can change a whole vibe. New people will arrive and will that work out? Will they fit in? Will they manage to maintain that vibe? Will I be able to feel safe and secure enough around them?

I mentioned earlier that I was thinking that this might be my final year at this school. I always felt like I would leave before anyone else, mostly because at least that way I would be in control of things. And then this happens...Of course change can be good and eventually something good will come from this. I just need my time to adjust, being the HSP that I am. It's a big change and like I said, I don't do so well with that...

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/278251.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (Default)
1. Thinking someone else is more important than me and thus take a step back/adjust.

2. Making someone else's problem, my problem, because see #1.

3. Feeling negative about myself. I almost constantly think people will look at me and think "Jesus fuck, who does she think she is? Loser!". Just last night 2 of my cousins were visiting my parents. I hadn't seen them in forever and my parents invited me over for coffee so we could meet. These were my thoughts: "I am fat and they will notice and they will think less of me" "I am still single and thus a forever loser." "I am failing at life" "They will wonder why the hell I'm there and think I'm a loser" "I have no interesting life" "I look weird" "I didn't say the right things" etc...etc...

It's funny because the eldest of 2 cousins, who is a few years younger than me and who I look up to a lot etc...was actually saying the same things. She's never happy with herself, always doubting herself, never thinks high of herself etc...We seem to have a lot in common and yet I still think: "I should not bother her with a visit because she's just trying to be polite and say she'd love to, but she doesn't and why should she because who the fuck am I?!" I never want to bother people, also see #1 and 2.

Yeah...

4. Doubting myself and my abilities ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Like, see #1 and 3. Stop it already, sheesh!

5. Worrying, creating demons out of everything. It's not helpful, at all, I never gained anything positive from it, like EVER and just STOP!

6. Hiding and keeping quiet, see point 1 -5.

7. Eating bad foods, overeating. The extra weight I carry with me is not helpful, because see #3 and 4 . It's like this vicious cycle I am in.

8. Being so hard on myself, see #7.

9. Focusing on the bad things.


I really find it amazing how I make it so hard for myself all the time. Why do I think other people are more important than me, why do I think I deserve bad thoughts and things? I have learned, a lot, the past couple of years. But I am someone who longs for freedom, and this is one of the most important things I want to be freed of: my demons. Just be. Being able to see that I am a good person, that I have good qualities. And why do I find it so difficult/scary to just DO it? Why do I cherish the pain/hurt/anxiety so much?

One day, maybe one day.

At least today was a good day: spent a lovely day with my mom and it was the first time in like forever it was this calm and nice. ♥︎

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/276848.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (random text - it would be nice if someth)
 So it's all back again. Fucking hell. My back aches, again, I feel crap and it's just all back to square 1 again. Antibiotics did their job for like a full 2 weeks and now I can start all over again. I never have any medical issues whatsoever and I have no idea why it's back. I do know that it fucking sucks. 

FUCK!
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/268169.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear  -kill me now)
Ever since I started to teach, now about 10 years ago I, from time to time, have these nightmares in which none of the kids listen, I yell, yell louder, yell even more louder and still nothing helps. Everyone jumps around, do as they please and it pretty much is one big mess. Whenever I wake up I feel relieved, it was just a dream and though I doubt myself as a teacher so often, it never actually gets that bad.

Well...it never did until yesterday afternoon. I think I was not in an all too best mood, because dear god I've been tired for too long. I heard myself respond to things I could have easily ignored and all would have been fine. But no. I had to make a point somehow? The kids were all over the place that afternoon, not listening at all. I promised them that the final 45 minutes they got to work on the project they so loved. God, it went insane after that. Yelling, running around, just doing as they pleased. Basically all things that always happened in my nightmares and stayed there now came true. It was awful. I felt awful. I even got a girl into tears because I spoke another language than her and misunderstood her. So that involved a dad ranging up after school. I still can't believe this actually happened. It was a small comfort to hear all classes had issues with their kids, but still. This was a super, super low for me. I had a day off today, which was good, but tomorrow I will at least apologize to the girl for getting her upset. Even though I never meant to upset her, still. I remember having these teachers that always clashed with me and pretended they were better than me. I don't want to be like that.

Yesterday was a god awful day, now to be able to just let go and accept it for what it was....
prettygoodyear: (Ireland - Torc mountain)

Two days ago I arrived in Ireland. Had been looking forward to it for weeks. Upon arrival things felt a bit off, but I was also just tired. I think I somehow had sensed what would happen. Yesterday my niece was born. It had always been a possibility, just never thought she'd arrive 2 weeks early. I tried to enjoy my holiday but couldn't. I didn't enjoy myself at all and really just wanted to see my niece and sister. I woke up at 6.15 this morning panicking. Decided to see if I could take a plane home today i could. So here I am at the airport. I feel completely and utterly weird and not really in my body. But I'll see Madelief tomorrow. After that we'll see how i'll feel. Never in a million years did I think this would happen, I never looked forward to a holiday as much as I did this time.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

prettygoodyear: (random text - ignore)

Sometimes I just feel so goddamn invisible and unimportant. Sometimes I miss good, close friendships, that are equal. Where someone asks me "Hey, and how are you really doing?". Someone I can have long, deep conversations with.

Too many times I've had people walk into my life who said "You are amazing, such a wonderful friend" and then minutes later ignore me etc...
Or people who call themselves a friend, then forever keep quiet and only call you when they need something.

I'm sick and tired of being the one asking to meet up, always making the call etc...

But I am sucktastic with friendships as well I guess...tend to run away from a friendship quickly when I feel trapped. Truth is that I've had to deal with so many fucked up friendships that I don't know how to handle one anymore. I don't know how to deal with people anymore.

Today is just not my day. I feel overly sensitive, emotional and just so goddamn invisible and unimportant. But as the icon said: ignore this text. Sometimes I just need to rant. I might just delete this tomorrow.

prettygoodyear: (random text - EEEK!)
Amazing how a week off can seem and feel so long just when it's about to start, and feels extremely short afterwards. I had so many plans for this week. Lazy plans mostly. But ended up doing so much. All fun things, really, but made the week go by too fast as well!

And tomorrow back to work, the old way again it seems. Colleague is supposed to come back to work again which means I have to teach three different classes again, which causes so much stress already I don't even want to go back. Teaching one class, my own, was so lovely and it lasted too short. And it just made me realize I don't want to do a billion different things in a week. I don't want the stress of different classes, don't want the stress of teaching children for only 2 hours or so a week, which basically means you can never bond. I don't want all of these things anymore, but I have to. Sucks big time.

I want to teach my own class, so that I don't have to stress and worry so much. Sigh.
prettygoodyear: (Top Gear  -kill me now)
Fuck. Twelve hours from now the real world will have entered my life again. Back to work again. Do. Not. Want.
prettygoodyear: (emotions - You suck!)
Really. REALLY! If the Guinness Book of Records had an entry for most lazy, procrastinating person ever, my name would be next to it. Dishes. Laundry. Vacuuming. Dusting. Window cleaning. I think I can see bits of spider webs in some places. Really.
Holiday is coming to an end alright, a great time indeed to clean the house. But I didn't do it. In fact...I didn't do much at all these weeks. Except for going to Ireland. Watch loads of Buffy. Read. Watch Celebrity Master Chef. Be incredibly lazy. It's actually a good thing I do have a job, otherwise I'd soon feel like a worthless piece of shit I'm sure. Sigh. I lack all sorts of motivation to do household things. Tomorrow. TOMORROW! Tomorrow I will do the dishes, do a good bit of dusting and vacuuming. I will finally do that laundry. I will finally clean up the bedroom. I will make my house look clean again. I will. So that I at least will feel a wee bit better about myself again. I did do some garden work though...that's at least *something*
But I envy those people who are able to just keep their homes clean at all times, who aren't as lazy and often boring as me. I've got no discipline whatsoever.

To keep the rant on going about my failure life. Some people have achieved so much in the past 5 years: got married, become a mom etc... (my sister for example). What did I do these past 5 years? These past 10 years even? One of the reasons I skipped the school reunion last year, was because I actually was quite ashamed of my life. Still not in any kind of relationship, and never will be no doubt. Still acting as a teenager most of the time instead of someone who's 31. I so often still live in the past and forget we're not there anymore that I feel I haven't been able to grow as a person much. I'm still that little teenage girl most of the time. I lack friendship skills. Like...one thing I achieved in the past 10 years is actually losing pretty much all of my friends.

Sigh...I know I achieved some things, for sure. But they seem so small, so unimportant. I often feel like I don't do enough to get the most out of my life. I'm still scared that one day I'll die and they tell me "well, gotta back again girl cause boy did you fuck up your life!"

Guess it's just one of those days...in which I feel suckworthy a lot because I've been too lazy, too boring, too messy. It will pass. I wonder where I'll be 10 years from now...or maybe I really don't.
prettygoodyear: (Default)
So...today at work my boss walked over to me and asked me if we could have a chat for a bit. A colleague of mine, who has been diagnosed with cancer two years ago, won't be coming back, the replacement teacher they got can't handle the class at all. So basically, they have no one to teach the class (for 2 days). They have put advertisements in the papers, but so far gotten no response (because of course they didn't put it in the papers till today...duh). His question to me was if I was prepared to give up my own class I teach on Thursday and Friday to teach that other class, with younger children. Because I've done it before and because he thinks I'm capable of it. My co-worker will then take over our class full-time. He told me it's only temporarily, until they find a replacement teacher again, but it could well be I'd be teaching that class till the end of this school year. Of course I told him I need to think about it, to which he responded I shouldn't wait too long cause he wants it to happen after our next holiday, which happens to start this Friday. Fun.

Of course I don't really have a choice, though during our meeting of this afternoon it became clear there are other options, just not great options when it turns out to be a long term plan. So basically I just have to say yes. And I just have no idea what to do. A part of me is just saying "fine, whatever" mostly based on a lot of guilt. But also a tiny part of me wanting to proof to myself I can do this. Another part of me isn't ready to let go of her own class. I enjoy teaching that class so much. They are older children, and I prefer them. But maybe I should just say I'm willing to teach till the next holiday, which will start in May. Then again...I'd miss out on a lot of fun things in my own class. Projects and such. Ugh...I should make a pros and cons list. And I shouldn't try so hard to fix everything for everyone and then forgetting about me. If another colleague of mine can just say "no" then why can't I? Maybe I should discuss that? Just ask why he says no without feeling guilty etc...? Hmm...maybe. Maybe tomorrow evening, just for my own sake and learning process.

Decisions...decisions I don't want to make. At least I have tomorrow off.
prettygoodyear: (Default)

December 2019

S M T W T F S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
2223 2425262728
293031