Well I know it's just a spring haze

 I was actually counting the days till upcoming Tuesday. The day things would make sense again, the day in which things would be a lot nicer again, softer too, calmer, friendlier. The day I would get to see Antoinette again, my wonderful oncology nurse. The 1 person who helps me to stay sane in an overwhelming world. The 1 person who knows how to always say the right things at the right time. 
But she won't be there, I won't be seeing her because her dad is seriously ill. And of course she's not there, I understand that so well, but the need to see her, talk to her has never been more high than now. Tuesday was too far away even. 

So much has happened. The surgery, how it was such a traumatic experience, the excruciating pain, the loneliness, and then to top it all, me finding out I won't have a class to teach anymore next year, without anyone telling me, talking to me about it, asking me about it. I just happened to read it in the minutes. I still don't know what happened there. Wrote a very angry email and so far have yet to hear back from my boss. 

I feel like I went into surgery and never actually woke up from it. I'm still in this nightmare. I have no clue anymore what the fuck is happening. How can it be the end of May already? What the fuck happened? Is this my life? I don't have any control over anything anymore. I haven't had time to deal with it all and it just keeps on coming and coming and coming and I'm at this point where I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just don't. Nothing makes any sense anymore and I'm choking. 

 It's been long since my last update. 

February 19th was supposed to be my final round of chemo, if everything went according to plan. Which it obviously didn't, because I react so strongly to it. Last week I received my 5th blood transfusion, because my HB levels were at its lowest so far: 4.7. My chemo has been postponed so often, that I am now a month behind. And it's weird, because for a while now I adjusted to the chemo, the routine etc...I embraced it even. 
And then low blood levels happened, again, and there was a talk of maybe cancelling the last round of chemo for good. I had a good week to think about it, to feel. When my lovely nurse first told me, I panicked. I was so set on finishing, had accepted the fact that I would have to endure 2 more chemotherapies etc...So when she told me they were thinking of cancelling the last round, I panicked. But the more I thought about it being an option, the calmer it got in my head. It was enough, almost 7 months of chemo was taking its toll. But I found it scary to just cancel the final round, because what if...? But somehow I started to feel okay with no more chemo. The latest blood transfusion gave me my energy back, after a long, long time. The thought of having to endure two more shitty weeks, of the dreadful Taxol etc...was actually making me anxious. I was done with it, I didn't want to get ill again, didn't want to have my energy levels drop again. 

Today I had a talk with the oncologist. My blood levels were good, so he thought it would be best to have the last round, if I was okay with it. I wasn't, but couldn't say. Because as he said: what if skipping this last round turns into regret later because it's just not good? 

But I find it so hard to go into 2 more chemotherapies now. My mind had accepted the fact that I was done, and now I have to adjust again. And I really don't want to feel ill again for 2 more weeks, I really don't. Seven months of chemo is such a long, long time and it feels like it will never end. It will, because 2 weeks from now I will have finished, one way or another, but it feels so far away now. I am so done with it all. 

And then after that I'll have to endure all the scans, the operation, radiation for at least 5 weeks and immune therapy till September. And while for several months I was okay with it all, right now I am not. I want my life back. I want to be okay again. 

Six weeks ago I weighed about 10 kilos more than I do now. Thanks to chemo therapy. Normally I'd be thrilled to get rid of the extra kilos, but now not so much. My appetite hasn't been the same since the first round of chemo, but what's making it worse is the nausea and vomiting. A week ago I got my third round of chemo, the oncologist prescribed me super strong meds so I wouldn't feel to sick and would get through the week allright. It seemed to work at first, but as soon as I stopped with the meds, my body went into nausea and vomiting mood. Since Wednesday I've been sick most of the time, eating and drinking is a real struggle and I'm surprised I'm still functioning at this stage, because I haven't had proper food in my stomach since last Friday. My world evolves around my bed and my parent's house and that's about it. The past week I got several different kind of meds to help calm the stomach, but not much luck. The nurse I spoke to yesterday told me that if I start to get dizzy, I have to be submitted to the hospital, something I'm dreading so much, because it means even less freedom, even less of a pretty normal life.  At the same time I want to be able to eat a proper meal again, and be able to drink whatever I like. And I don't want to have to throw up anymore, because my throat is hurting and I'm just tired of it. 

I still have 6 more round of chemo to go, spread over 12 different days/18 weeks and while they are a different kind than the first 3 I got, I'm dreading it so much. I don't think I can handle any more of these cycles. 

 Last Friday I got another echo, and then another. Because something else was visible, slightly, but it was there in my armpit. They did a biopsy. And then another because the first one didn't go well. They also injected me with a radioactive seed, to mark the tumor in my breast. If the spot they found in my armpit is faulty as well, they need to inject another radioactive seed there as well. 

When we got to the nurse later that day, she could only tell me that she basically couldn't tell me anything yet. Because of the biopsies of that day, she couldn't tell me what treatment I'll get, but she could tell me that treatment will most likely start at the end of this coming week. 

After we left, I broke down: tests upon tests upon tests, for 4 weeks now and nothing else got done. The cancer most likely not only in my breast, but now also in my armpit. The notion that all this is real, that my life might as well never ever be the same as it was, if not for the fact that the trust in my own body is completely shattered. These past 4 weeks I cried, small bits, but this was the first big cry. 

This Monday I'll hopefully get all the results and info I need. Then on Tuesday I'll go look for a wig with a friend/colleague. And then Thursday/Friday shit will get real. 

Good god I'm so fucking scared!
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 So breast cancer it is. Holy fuck and shit and goddamn! I still can't believe it's real and it freaks me out so much! I know lots of women have dealt with this and I will deal with it as well, but it's slowly sinking in and becoming more real. Will need to be operated, get chemo, etc...They have no idea what kind of cancer it is, what caused it etc...It looks promising enough and I will hear soon enough.

Right now I wish I could run away from it all, or open my eyes en realise it's been all a bad, bad dream. Ireland is not happening this year, work won't happen either for a while. I will survive, I'll get out of this even stronger than before and at least I know how close we are as a family.

I need another good cry and then a good night of sleep as well. But fuck!



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...I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost...

I find it difficult to deal with changes. I need time to adjust to new situations/people/whatever. I can get really emotional when things change and I don't have any control or power over that. Letting go of things is another thing I am not good at. I enjoy my comfy, safe bubble, as uncomfortable and unsafe it might feel sometimes. At least I know what I have. Because not knowing what I might get is scary. And then there's the saying goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye and let go. Because it means another chapter closes, another era of my life is being put away, for good (or that's how it feels). And, like I said before, a kind of safeness is leaving my life.

Anyway...14 years ago I was still a student. I was assigned to do this trainee teacher thing at a school close to my home. I rang them up and introduced myself and asked if I could come visit them that week to meet. I was getting a warm welcome once I arrived and while new things make me nervous, I felt at ease at that school. I ended up getting a job there and 14 years on still work there. With ups and downs, for sure. But it's a one-of-a-kind school. A lot of people have worked there for (almost) 40 years. It's a very close, tight group of people who care for each other. Sometimes it's difficult dealing with those who have been there so long, because they are so used to doing things in a certain way. But it says a lot when people work together for so many years.

To get to a point: last night my boss told everyone that this coming January, he will retire. And so will his wife, who is also working at my school. And while we had our differences, while I wanted to strangle them from time to time, they are a huge part of this school. I feel comfortable around them, it's a safeness. When they are gone, it will leave a gap. It's scary as well, because it can change a whole vibe. New people will arrive and will that work out? Will they fit in? Will they manage to maintain that vibe? Will I be able to feel safe and secure enough around them?

I mentioned earlier that I was thinking that this might be my final year at this school. I always felt like I would leave before anyone else, mostly because at least that way I would be in control of things. And then this happens...Of course change can be good and eventually something good will come from this. I just need my time to adjust, being the HSP that I am. It's a big change and like I said, I don't do so well with that...

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 So it's all back again. Fucking hell. My back aches, again, I feel crap and it's just all back to square 1 again. Antibiotics did their job for like a full 2 weeks and now I can start all over again. I never have any medical issues whatsoever and I have no idea why it's back. I do know that it fucking sucks. 

FUCK!
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Amazing how a week off can seem and feel so long just when it's about to start, and feels extremely short afterwards. I had so many plans for this week. Lazy plans mostly. But ended up doing so much. All fun things, really, but made the week go by too fast as well!

And tomorrow back to work, the old way again it seems. Colleague is supposed to come back to work again which means I have to teach three different classes again, which causes so much stress already I don't even want to go back. Teaching one class, my own, was so lovely and it lasted too short. And it just made me realize I don't want to do a billion different things in a week. I don't want the stress of different classes, don't want the stress of teaching children for only 2 hours or so a week, which basically means you can never bond. I don't want all of these things anymore, but I have to. Sucks big time.

I want to teach my own class, so that I don't have to stress and worry so much. Sigh.

Really. REALLY! If the Guinness Book of Records had an entry for most lazy, procrastinating person ever, my name would be next to it. Dishes. Laundry. Vacuuming. Dusting. Window cleaning. I think I can see bits of spider webs in some places. Really.
Holiday is coming to an end alright, a great time indeed to clean the house. But I didn't do it. In fact...I didn't do much at all these weeks. Except for going to Ireland. Watch loads of Buffy. Read. Watch Celebrity Master Chef. Be incredibly lazy. It's actually a good thing I do have a job, otherwise I'd soon feel like a worthless piece of shit I'm sure. Sigh. I lack all sorts of motivation to do household things. Tomorrow. TOMORROW! Tomorrow I will do the dishes, do a good bit of dusting and vacuuming. I will finally do that laundry. I will finally clean up the bedroom. I will make my house look clean again. I will. So that I at least will feel a wee bit better about myself again. I did do some garden work though...that's at least *something*
But I envy those people who are able to just keep their homes clean at all times, who aren't as lazy and often boring as me. I've got no discipline whatsoever.

To keep the rant on going about my failure life. Some people have achieved so much in the past 5 years: got married, become a mom etc... (my sister for example). What did I do these past 5 years? These past 10 years even? One of the reasons I skipped the school reunion last year, was because I actually was quite ashamed of my life. Still not in any kind of relationship, and never will be no doubt. Still acting as a teenager most of the time instead of someone who's 31. I so often still live in the past and forget we're not there anymore that I feel I haven't been able to grow as a person much. I'm still that little teenage girl most of the time. I lack friendship skills. Like...one thing I achieved in the past 10 years is actually losing pretty much all of my friends.

Sigh...I know I achieved some things, for sure. But they seem so small, so unimportant. I often feel like I don't do enough to get the most out of my life. I'm still scared that one day I'll die and they tell me "well, gotta back again girl cause boy did you fuck up your life!"

Guess it's just one of those days...in which I feel suckworthy a lot because I've been too lazy, too boring, too messy. It will pass. I wonder where I'll be 10 years from now...or maybe I really don't.