The neverending story
7 March 2016 22:34 It's been long since my last update.
February 19th was supposed to be my final round of chemo, if everything went according to plan. Which it obviously didn't, because I react so strongly to it. Last week I received my 5th blood transfusion, because my HB levels were at its lowest so far: 4.7. My chemo has been postponed so often, that I am now a month behind. And it's weird, because for a while now I adjusted to the chemo, the routine etc...I embraced it even.
And then low blood levels happened, again, and there was a talk of maybe cancelling the last round of chemo for good. I had a good week to think about it, to feel. When my lovely nurse first told me, I panicked. I was so set on finishing, had accepted the fact that I would have to endure 2 more chemotherapies etc...So when she told me they were thinking of cancelling the last round, I panicked. But the more I thought about it being an option, the calmer it got in my head. It was enough, almost 7 months of chemo was taking its toll. But I found it scary to just cancel the final round, because what if...? But somehow I started to feel okay with no more chemo. The latest blood transfusion gave me my energy back, after a long, long time. The thought of having to endure two more shitty weeks, of the dreadful Taxol etc...was actually making me anxious. I was done with it, I didn't want to get ill again, didn't want to have my energy levels drop again.
Today I had a talk with the oncologist. My blood levels were good, so he thought it would be best to have the last round, if I was okay with it. I wasn't, but couldn't say. Because as he said: what if skipping this last round turns into regret later because it's just not good?
But I find it so hard to go into 2 more chemotherapies now. My mind had accepted the fact that I was done, and now I have to adjust again. And I really don't want to feel ill again for 2 more weeks, I really don't. Seven months of chemo is such a long, long time and it feels like it will never end. It will, because 2 weeks from now I will have finished, one way or another, but it feels so far away now. I am so done with it all.
And then after that I'll have to endure all the scans, the operation, radiation for at least 5 weeks and immune therapy till September. And while for several months I was okay with it all, right now I am not. I want my life back. I want to be okay again.
February 19th was supposed to be my final round of chemo, if everything went according to plan. Which it obviously didn't, because I react so strongly to it. Last week I received my 5th blood transfusion, because my HB levels were at its lowest so far: 4.7. My chemo has been postponed so often, that I am now a month behind. And it's weird, because for a while now I adjusted to the chemo, the routine etc...I embraced it even.
And then low blood levels happened, again, and there was a talk of maybe cancelling the last round of chemo for good. I had a good week to think about it, to feel. When my lovely nurse first told me, I panicked. I was so set on finishing, had accepted the fact that I would have to endure 2 more chemotherapies etc...So when she told me they were thinking of cancelling the last round, I panicked. But the more I thought about it being an option, the calmer it got in my head. It was enough, almost 7 months of chemo was taking its toll. But I found it scary to just cancel the final round, because what if...? But somehow I started to feel okay with no more chemo. The latest blood transfusion gave me my energy back, after a long, long time. The thought of having to endure two more shitty weeks, of the dreadful Taxol etc...was actually making me anxious. I was done with it, I didn't want to get ill again, didn't want to have my energy levels drop again.
Today I had a talk with the oncologist. My blood levels were good, so he thought it would be best to have the last round, if I was okay with it. I wasn't, but couldn't say. Because as he said: what if skipping this last round turns into regret later because it's just not good?
But I find it so hard to go into 2 more chemotherapies now. My mind had accepted the fact that I was done, and now I have to adjust again. And I really don't want to feel ill again for 2 more weeks, I really don't. Seven months of chemo is such a long, long time and it feels like it will never end. It will, because 2 weeks from now I will have finished, one way or another, but it feels so far away now. I am so done with it all.
And then after that I'll have to endure all the scans, the operation, radiation for at least 5 weeks and immune therapy till September. And while for several months I was okay with it all, right now I am not. I want my life back. I want to be okay again.