To love and embrace
3 February 2016 13:40It's been a while since my last entry. Since that time, chemo has been postponed twice, but last Friday I got a green light. It did mean letting go of one of the chemo's, because my oncologist didn't want my body to suffer any more than it did. It feels a bit like cheating now, even though it's not. But yeah..that's just my mind playing tricks.
And so then more than 6 months have passed since I first got diagnosed. In the beginning it was all scary mostly, and intense. And the early stages of chemo were awful as well. But I've adjusted to it, embraced the cancer. It's a big part of my life, of me, and it's somehow giving me comfort. Yes, it's still scary, but my life is quite simple at the moment. I go from day to day, appointment to appointment. It's actually quite nice to have people surrounding you that try to fix and heal you. The hospital has become a new home, a safe place even, where I don't mind spending time. In fact, when I'm away from there for too long, I feel restless. How weird is that? Is that some kind of survival mechanism? I have no idea, but the fact that chemo treatment is slowly coming to an end, is actually freaking me out a little. For so long, the end was never near, I was in this constant bubble, I adjusted to it, embraced it. And now all of a sudden progress is being made and I don't know how to deal with that. Maybe it's because my life is so fragile right now, that I try to hold on to anything that's giving me a sense of safety, or normalcy. I have no idea. But it causes an emotional rollercoaster for sure.
And so then more than 6 months have passed since I first got diagnosed. In the beginning it was all scary mostly, and intense. And the early stages of chemo were awful as well. But I've adjusted to it, embraced the cancer. It's a big part of my life, of me, and it's somehow giving me comfort. Yes, it's still scary, but my life is quite simple at the moment. I go from day to day, appointment to appointment. It's actually quite nice to have people surrounding you that try to fix and heal you. The hospital has become a new home, a safe place even, where I don't mind spending time. In fact, when I'm away from there for too long, I feel restless. How weird is that? Is that some kind of survival mechanism? I have no idea, but the fact that chemo treatment is slowly coming to an end, is actually freaking me out a little. For so long, the end was never near, I was in this constant bubble, I adjusted to it, embraced it. And now all of a sudden progress is being made and I don't know how to deal with that. Maybe it's because my life is so fragile right now, that I try to hold on to anything that's giving me a sense of safety, or normalcy. I have no idea. But it causes an emotional rollercoaster for sure.
