prettygoodyear: (random text - it would be nice if someth)
 I often feel I don't belong on this planet. And by that I mean I really don't belong. Because my thoughts, inner world and feelings are so different to 95% of this world. Quite often I'm homesick, want to go home to this other place where I do belong. When I see/hear politicians talk I often sigh. This is not how life is meant to be. I often want to run away, but always realise there really is nowhere to go. Wherever you go, you're still on this planet. 

I have vivid memories of other places, can feel/taste/smell what it is like there. And it always makes my heart ache a lot, because living on this planet always feels like such a huge step backwards. I often feel restricted, while I desperately need and long for freedom. Freedom of traveling, of just be. 

My mom told me she thought I had those feelings when home alone: I need to get out more, get more social. Truth is: I feel this way the most while about to go to work, do things that are required of me. When I'm alone, wherever that may be, surrounded by books, sunshine and music, I'm at my best.

There has to be a reason why I'm here, but I haven't figured out what it is though. I'm done with my teaching job, but have no idea what else I could be doing that would give me energy and happiness. And there are still bills to be paid. I often feel like I'm stuck, am a prisoner of my own life. And I know we all are free to decide what to do with our lives, but somehow that freedom feels fake. Because it doesn't feel like real freedom. But maybe I'm blindsided by my feelings and thoughts that I am just not able to see different perspectives. 

Hmmm....rather negative post this is, but I have been stuck in this feeling for too long and just don't know how to get out of it anymore. 
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prettygoodyear: (Ireland - Ireland)
I don't think I've ever cried as hard upon arriving home as I did tonight. And not because I was happy to be back. Dear mother of god I miss being in Ireland so fucking much. I miss just about everything: The pace of life, the space, the quiet, the energy, everything. Returning home gets harder and harder. 
prettygoodyear: (autumn - trees)
How can you be loved by someone when you can't even love yourself? There's still so much loathe, dislike, hate, disappointment inside of me that I feel for myself. So little love for myself, even for that little girl I once was. So much shame. So much guilt. And what for? What did I ever do to think and feel this way? Nothing I do ever seems to be good enough, nothing I do ever seems to be okay. There's always the criticism, the doubt. There's so little love I feel for myself it makes my heart ache so much.

To always, always have this voice in my head telling I'm no good, telling me what I do wrong, what is wrong about me, what I should be ashamed off, what I should feel guilty about. Constantly, constantly going on and on and on and on. Hardly ever the thought "You did well" or "You're wonderful". Those thoughts are always covered up with other thoughts "Maybe I shouldn't have said that" "Maybe I should have done this" "I did it all wrong" "It's all my fault" "Look at me...such failure" "I could have done better"

Always and forever...I so desperately want to get it all to stop. So desperately want to love myself, be okay with myself. I want to be proud of me, no matter what. I don't want the guilt and shame anymore but I find it so hard to get rid of it.

I need help. I can't do this all on my own anymore.
prettygoodyear: (Ireland - Torc mountain)
Four weeks ago, four! weeks ago already I arrived in Killarney. Arrived in this amazing wonderful apartment with the most amazing views. Four weeks ago I arrived home. Bizarre. Really. It can't have been four weeks already. Then again...oddly enough, the final school day is so clear to me, like it happened only just days ago. Ireland...it feels so long ago, and at the same time I can't believe it's been so long already. One of these odd time tricks.
Anyway...so yeah...four weeks ago I had just arrived. God...the excitement I felt, but also the absolute solace and peace. I still wished I could have stayed there longer, so wasn't ready to go home just yet.

I still find it incredibly hard to feel at home again in my own house. I still miss the space and views. I miss seeing a good thunderstorm approaching, I miss watching these amazing sunsets. Ugh...and just a few days and then it's back to work again. Back to teaching again. Teaching all these classes I don't want to teach anymore. Give me my own class and I'll be fine. Sick of being all over that place. Sick of feeling like a failure teacher on the days I don't teach my own class.

Would it not be nice to have enough money to not worry about it anymore. To be able to buy that little house with loads of space and views. To be able to work for fun, not because you have to in order to live and survive.
prettygoodyear: (it would be nice if something made sense)
En dan ineens zit je weer even terug bij af: bang en angstig, heel erg laag zelfbeeld en een wereld om je heen die vijandig en eng aanvoelt. Het gevoel te hebben heel hard weg te willen rennen, je te willen verstoppen. Frustratie alom, maar vooral heel veel angst.

Vanmiddag uit school bleek een buurman ineens de straat rond te gaan. Actie voeren? Iets anders? Ik weet het niet precies. Feit is dat hij mijn huis oversloeg. Misschien omdat het leek alsof ik er niet was? Dat kan heel goed natuurlijk. Maar ergens is er de angst dat dat niet zo is. Dat de hele buurt stookverhalen van de buurvrouw heeft gehoord. Etc...Etc...
Ik voel me meteen klein en nietig. En waarom? WAAROM? Waarom laat ik me leiden door mensen die ik niet ken, die mij niet kennen en ook de moeite niet lijken te willen nemen? Waarom laat ik mijn buurvrouw nog steeds boven mij staan? Waarom haal ik mezelf naar beneden, vind ik het zo belangrijk om aardig gevonden te worden? Terwijl ik ook niet heel veel moeite doe om in contact te komen met de buurt. Geen behoefte aan ook. Toen ik nog op de flat woonde, was het contact zo anders, zoveel makkelijker. En waarom toen wel en nu niet? Was het toen ook gewoon anders? Ik betrek altijd alles meteen op mezelf, maar is dit wel iets van mij? Wat moet ik er dan mee? Ik baal er vooral van, want al de hele avond voelt alles vervelend, rot en eng aan. Zo'n gevoel weer als dat ik ook had toen ik hier net woonde: onveilig en heel bang. Waarom lukt het me ook niet om gewoon in mijn kracht te staan? Om het los te laten? Ik probeer het, maar die knoop in mijn maag blijft zitten. Waarom haal ik mezelf zo naar beneden en focus ik me op dingen die ik niet zeker weet, op mensen die ik niet ken en vooral: op negatieve zaken die ik honderdduizend keer uitvergroot?

En dan vandaag op school...ook dat zit me natuurlijk hoog. Want als het tegen zit dan werk ik na de vakantie ineens weer twee dagen in de middenbouw in plaats van in mijn eigen groep. Ik heb kennelijk niet genoeg op mijn strepen gestaan, vooral ook weer door die grote hoeveelheid schuld. Ik kan wel janken. Heb het vandaag op school ook gedaan. Voel me ook daar ineens heel alleen, onbelangrijk.

Het zijn ook dit soort momenten dat ik gewoon dood wil. Maar tegelijkertijd is daar dan ook meteen de angst, want dan krijg ik vast en zeker deze shit nog duizend levens lang. Maar ik wil even niet meer. Weglopen, dat is natuurlijk wat ik wil. En dat is ook niet goed.

Ik voel me in elk geval even flink klote en kut. Zou het liefst heel hard naar huis hollen, nou ja, naar mams en paps. Daar ben ik dan veilig. Ik ren dus weg voor alles en lijk de confrontatie niet aan te durven gaan. Hoewel...meteen zegt er ook een stemmetje dat dat niet waar is: kijk eens hoe ik op school al wel vaak voor mezelf op kom.

Het is allemaal zo verwarrend. Wat moet ik hier in deze straat, met deze mensen? Ik geloof dat dat me nu nog wel het meeste van slag maakt. En waarom nu precies? Mooie vragen voor Emil eigenlijk.

Bah. Ik wil weer blij zijn en me fijn voelen. Alles voelt nu zo anders, zo niet echt en onnatuurlijk en vooral onprettig aan.

:'(
prettygoodyear: (Northern Lad 2 credit:maliekai)
I'm SO homesick lately. I really miss the place I came from so, so badly. It hurts SO much to just be here. I ride around on my bike, and there's people EVERYWHERE, buildings, cars, dirt, noise, WHATEVER! And I feel SO trapped. Wherever I look, there's buildings to see, or cars, or people. Wherever I am, there's always noises to hear, irritating sounds. And everyone just talks the stupid, boring talks. No real conversations take place. And people walk past me, like I'm a ghost and I walk past them not feeling any kind of connection at all. And I know that wherever I cam from, I had space, and people around me who just "know", like I "know" things. And I had this wonderful house with a veranda and just space, so much space. And I'm just homesick, I feel trapped in a world I don't really belong to, and I never wanted to escape that world more badly than now.
But I know that by leaving this part of the planet and travel to another part, I would feel unhappy as well, and it's so SO frustrating! I wanna go somewhere, I wanna hide, but then, whatever the fuck I decide, it doesn't change a thing.
But oh, how I love to run away right now...I long for my freedom again...I long for really deep thoughts, I long for my free space again...and it's hurting so badly, that I'm about to cry right now...the emptiness I feel right now has never been more intense...sigh...
prettygoodyear: (Default)

December 2019

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