prettygoodyear | Entries tagged with stressed

Monday morning marked the beginning of a new working year. As stated previously, I didn't look forward to it. In fact, anxiety was extremely present. It's not a new feeling, because I experience it always: after a weekend, after a holiday, always. It all started back in college, whenever I had to do training periods. Before that, just going to school, I never felt any anxiety of returning back to school, mostly even looked forward to it. But ever since college and the training periods, I experience anxiety.

For the longest time I wondered why, because once I'm back at work it's never as bad as I had pictured it in my head, I mostly even enjoy myself. So what is it? I think I figured it out: getting back into the working life means I have to proof myself, there are things expected from me, things I'm not sure I can live up to. I always fear that I let people down, that I don't perform as well as I should. Holidays and weekends are safe: I don't have to constantly live up to these expectations, I can just 'be'. I am not a perfectionist, or at least not 100% one, because I can say 'enough is enough', but in my head things are never good enough. I am not good enough. Making mistakes is the most horrible crime I could ever commit. I don't just experience this with my current job, but also when I have to take courses, when I took a drivers lesson etc...etc...

Anyway...this year I have my own class full time, with is an extra pressure, because what if they don't make as much as progress as they should, what if I don't do as well as I should, what if I can't handle teaching full time, etc...etc...

When I walked into the building this monday I was ready to cry, because I feared everything so much. But as the week went by, I started to enjoy myself more. Having my own class is wonderful, for instance. I can do whatever I want however I want without someone else telling me they don't like it. It felt nice. But yeah, that was a week without any children and parents. This monday I'll start, for real. And the anxiety is back. What if I don't make everyone feels at home? Are the things I prepared for the first day good enough? Will I be good enough? What if I let people down, forget things, make mistakes, etc...?

At least I am aware of it now, but I wish I could shake it off and not care so fucking much about these things. I wish I could be okay with making mistakes, because I will make them.

One day, maybe one day...

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/277689.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Mood:: intimidated

Tags:

I was always of the assumption I always ran away from my fears, but with all the shit happening at work, I realise I actually face them, most of the time. I often keep quiet about a lot of things, but whenever something is really bothering me, I speak up. I want things to be resolved, I have to understand the why's and how's of things that have happened. It's fucking scary though, cause I'm always facing and fighting it alone, even though I have people who support me. It's still me who has to deal with everything.

I sent out an email to my boss and his wife (also my colleague) who I had my previous 2 talks with. I asked a lot of questions, about what certain things that were said were based on, why they fear confrontations so much and what I've ever done to let them believe that talking to me would result in something horrible.
I haven't heard back from them, but have to go to work tonight though. I know my intentions are good, I never try to hurt anyone. I know I'm in my right to ask these questions and get answers. I know. But it feels fucking scary though, cause it's me against the rest.

The *funny* thing is though, that I had a dream about this about a week ago, which I wrote an entry about. My boss' wife apparently also had a dream about it, in which I had called in some parents and children from school to also have a say in things and speak on my behalf, or something like that.

We'll see what will happen to tonight. I'm scared though, but that's because no matter what, I''ll always still doubt myself, even when it's totally uncalled for.

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/252487.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Ever since this weekend, nothing seems to make sense anymore. Everything feels different, weird, off. I am constantly feeling my soul/spirit isn't connected to my body. I feel I'm not connected to the world. I have a constant panic rushing through my body, I feel empty. Sometimes it feels like my head is about to explode, other times I'm freaked out about stupid things. I didn't feel any real emotions when I visited my sister and niece, everything felt rushed. I've been in a rush since Saturday and I don't think it stopped? I can't put my finger on my feelings, I just know it sucks. I don't know what happened to me all of sudden, hate to be in this feeling though, not knowing how to make it go away.

Mood:: cranky

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Amazing how a week off can seem and feel so long just when it's about to start, and feels extremely short afterwards. I had so many plans for this week. Lazy plans mostly. But ended up doing so much. All fun things, really, but made the week go by too fast as well!

And tomorrow back to work, the old way again it seems. Colleague is supposed to come back to work again which means I have to teach three different classes again, which causes so much stress already I don't even want to go back. Teaching one class, my own, was so lovely and it lasted too short. And it just made me realize I don't want to do a billion different things in a week. I don't want the stress of different classes, don't want the stress of teaching children for only 2 hours or so a week, which basically means you can never bond. I don't want all of these things anymore, but I have to. Sucks big time.

I want to teach my own class, so that I don't have to stress and worry so much. Sigh.

Mood:: stressed

Tags:

So yesterday the wonderful Rosalie turned one. Can't believe it to be honest, but it's been a year since she was born. Managed to get the afternoon off from work (worked a Tuesday afternoon instead) which was fabulous, cause it meant I could visit her in the afternoon.
She didn't care at all for her presents (was more interested in the balloons), lol. But it was just wonderful to see her eat her birthday cake etc...
My sister is, however, in the middle of moving, so it was all a bit chaotic too. But we took loads of time for Rosalie and really made it a special birthday.

Ugh...and I just need to express again how much I love this little girl. She talks so much these days, no real words yet, but loads of "kaka" "dada" etc...She has the biggest love for animals, and in their new home they have cows litteraly in their back garden and whenever she spots them, she talks to them. So adorable. She plays games now as well. Tries to do or say the same things you do. She smiles an awful lot and it just amazing, amazing. And I know everyone always thinks their child or their niece or nephew is the most special. But yeah...to me she just is.

And then today it was moving day for my sister and husband and of course I wanted to help them. No matter how tired I am, I really wanted to show them my support. It meant I had to get up at 6.30 though, which was not so amazing. Moving went okay, but it was a lot of work and just tiresome. And when I helped to put the bed back together a heavy part of the bed landed on the top of my finger and I cursed. Out loud. Fingernail is turning a bit purple/red. The pain vanished a lot though, luckily. Though it is still a bit swollen. We'll see how it will look tomorrow though.

And now I could sleep for days. Helping my sister move though, was tiresome in a whole different way than work. I didn't mind this, seeing Rosalie gave me a huge energy boost and just being together as a family is always nice.
I dread work though, a lot. But yay for Sunday, at least one day off from everything.

Mood:: exhausted

Current Music:: Waitress - Tori Amos

Tags:

One real week into work and I want to throw things, am stressed out so much and just want to cry. Fucking hell I don't like this year at all whatsoever and it's going to be a long, long one. Had an argument with a colleague today over nothing. I'm not being taken serious AT ALL WHATSOEVER! We get a new girl in class tomorrow who's from Poland, doesn't speak a word Dutch whatsoever. I get no information. We need another table for her to sit at. Told them last week, today still nothing. I host the school website, someone messed with the database and passwords and never told me and now there's a database error, I can't log in etc...Pisses me off also. And there's loads and loads more and I'm just so sick of it all. I know there's the course in January. I know it might change something, or not. But it doesn't solve anything at this moment. I can speak my mind and say how I feel but in the end it doesn't matter cause I'm the only one who does speak up and I'm sick of it. Because no one listens or is bothered.

I'm so sick of fighting this battle all alone as I've always done.

Fucking hell.

Mood:: infuriated

Current Music:: iieee - Tori Amos

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Half twee 's nachts en ik kan, wederom, niet slapen. Paniek, pijn, verdriet, teleurstelling. Ik kan er niet door slapen. Nachtenlang al niet. Alleen maar door dat stomme werk. Waar niemand luistert naar mij, maar vooral doet wat het makkelijkste en veiligste is. En ik? Ik probeer mijn plekje op de wereld te veroveren, maar het lukt niet. Ik kom voor mezelf op, maar wordt genegeerd en niet gehoord. Het doet pijn, maakt me intens verdrietig en doet me zo alleen staan. Ik voel me zo onbelangrijk. Wanneer je tot twee keer toe je baas duidelijk maakt niet lekker in je vel te zitten, iets niet te willen er zelfs, en dat doe je nooit, van moet huilen en gewoon geen enkele respons krijgt...wat voel je je dan alleen staan.
Ik heb geen zin in werken deze week, kijk nu, op maandag, al uit naar het weekend. Ik wil niet meer, maar ik moet. Moet mijn eigen klas uit omdat niemand anders zo stom is als ik om altijd maar toe te geven. Omdat iedereen gewoon zijn bek open kan doen en wordt gehoord. En ik niet. En dat doet zo godvergeten veel pijn. Ik weet...alles is een leermoment, maar dit is moeilijk, wanneer je gewoon echt kil en afstandelijk moet worden om gehoord te worden. Niet jezelf mag zijn. Ik wil slapen. Tot rust komen. Blij zijn.

Mood:: sad

Tags:

This morning I had this realistic fucked up dream about work. I woke up with adrenaline rushing through my body and it took me a good 5 minutes to calm down a bit.
In my dream it was upcoming Wednesday. I wanted to have a chat with my boss about the day after: did they find a replacement, etc...
I ended up in a small meeting room, with this other colleague who refused to teach that class for 2 days, my co-worker, my boss and his wife (who also works at the same school). They were all talking together and no way I was able to say anything. No one listened. So then I looked at the time and decided to go over the my new class to figure out what I'd have to do the day after. The other teacher from that class was sitting behind her desk and on the other side was a young woman. I grabbed a book and started to flip through it. And then just told this other teacher "Look, I know this isn't your fault, but I really don't want to teach this class. I hardly sleep these days and I'm really upset." She just looked annoyed. So then I flipped through the book some more and found some lessons for the next day. Then I learn that the young woman is actually going to be the new replacement teacher, but no one had told me. And it turned out I had to share the class with her for 2 days in order to help her around. At that point I just started to cry. Because I felt so unimportant and ignored. I walked over to the copy machine and this other colleague (the guy again who refused to teach the class) and he noticed me crying but ignored it, though asked (not sincere) if something was wrong. And I just yelled and said "Of course not!" and then walked away upset.

That's all I can remember, but so far it has messed with my day today. The anxious feeling just won't go away. Which sucks. Ugh...it's been on my mind all the time and that's just not okay! Right now i'm even thinking of just quitting the job altogether cause I'm sick of it all. Which is also just stupid. But if I really have to teach that other class then it really just means I don't get any joy out of it at all anymore. I teach a class on Monday afternoon because I was asked to do so. I teach another class on Wednesday, which was supposed to be temporarily, which I don't like, never have. The only two days I liked my job, was on Thursday and Friday when I had my own class to teach. Now that's been taking away from me as well. So far anyway. And really...I don't live to work, I work in order to live.

Sigh...I keep on ranting about this which must be annoying for everyone else to read. I just need to get it off my chest somewhere though.

Something completely different: a magazine is holding a writing competition this month. Only 1200 words. I might enter. Maybe something will come from that, would be nice!

Mood:: anxious

Tags:

En dan ineens zit je weer even terug bij af: bang en angstig, heel erg laag zelfbeeld en een wereld om je heen die vijandig en eng aanvoelt. Het gevoel te hebben heel hard weg te willen rennen, je te willen verstoppen. Frustratie alom, maar vooral heel veel angst.

Vanmiddag uit school bleek een buurman ineens de straat rond te gaan. Actie voeren? Iets anders? Ik weet het niet precies. Feit is dat hij mijn huis oversloeg. Misschien omdat het leek alsof ik er niet was? Dat kan heel goed natuurlijk. Maar ergens is er de angst dat dat niet zo is. Dat de hele buurt stookverhalen van de buurvrouw heeft gehoord. Etc...Etc...
Ik voel me meteen klein en nietig. En waarom? WAAROM? Waarom laat ik me leiden door mensen die ik niet ken, die mij niet kennen en ook de moeite niet lijken te willen nemen? Waarom laat ik mijn buurvrouw nog steeds boven mij staan? Waarom haal ik mezelf naar beneden, vind ik het zo belangrijk om aardig gevonden te worden? Terwijl ik ook niet heel veel moeite doe om in contact te komen met de buurt. Geen behoefte aan ook. Toen ik nog op de flat woonde, was het contact zo anders, zoveel makkelijker. En waarom toen wel en nu niet? Was het toen ook gewoon anders? Ik betrek altijd alles meteen op mezelf, maar is dit wel iets van mij? Wat moet ik er dan mee? Ik baal er vooral van, want al de hele avond voelt alles vervelend, rot en eng aan. Zo'n gevoel weer als dat ik ook had toen ik hier net woonde: onveilig en heel bang. Waarom lukt het me ook niet om gewoon in mijn kracht te staan? Om het los te laten? Ik probeer het, maar die knoop in mijn maag blijft zitten. Waarom haal ik mezelf zo naar beneden en focus ik me op dingen die ik niet zeker weet, op mensen die ik niet ken en vooral: op negatieve zaken die ik honderdduizend keer uitvergroot?

En dan vandaag op school...ook dat zit me natuurlijk hoog. Want als het tegen zit dan werk ik na de vakantie ineens weer twee dagen in de middenbouw in plaats van in mijn eigen groep. Ik heb kennelijk niet genoeg op mijn strepen gestaan, vooral ook weer door die grote hoeveelheid schuld. Ik kan wel janken. Heb het vandaag op school ook gedaan. Voel me ook daar ineens heel alleen, onbelangrijk.

Het zijn ook dit soort momenten dat ik gewoon dood wil. Maar tegelijkertijd is daar dan ook meteen de angst, want dan krijg ik vast en zeker deze shit nog duizend levens lang. Maar ik wil even niet meer. Weglopen, dat is natuurlijk wat ik wil. En dat is ook niet goed.

Ik voel me in elk geval even flink klote en kut. Zou het liefst heel hard naar huis hollen, nou ja, naar mams en paps. Daar ben ik dan veilig. Ik ren dus weg voor alles en lijk de confrontatie niet aan te durven gaan. Hoewel...meteen zegt er ook een stemmetje dat dat niet waar is: kijk eens hoe ik op school al wel vaak voor mezelf op kom.

Het is allemaal zo verwarrend. Wat moet ik hier in deze straat, met deze mensen? Ik geloof dat dat me nu nog wel het meeste van slag maakt. En waarom nu precies? Mooie vragen voor Emil eigenlijk.

Bah. Ik wil weer blij zijn en me fijn voelen. Alles voelt nu zo anders, zo niet echt en onnatuurlijk en vooral onprettig aan.

:'(

Mood:: scared

Current Music:: Ode To My family - The Cranberries

Tags:

I'm so tired these days and my head feels like it's about to explode. It's full of thoughts and questions and I can't seem to find the switch-off button. The tiniest things feel like major obstacles these days, but whenever i sit down for a minute, my mind goes wild on me and i have to do this and that.
I have so many questions right now, but so little time to get them answered. I just go and do this and that, while my body screams for some time off.
And then guilt enters my head, cause i can't seem to understand why I, still so young, feel like an old wreck these days. So many people seem to be able to do so much more than me and still feel okay. While I, after a week of work, NEED at least two days to recover from it. Not because I'm ill, just because I'm me...this HSP being who experience everything a billion times more intense than other people....

But try to explain that to the world, ha...if i have a hard time understanding it, than how the hell should they be able to understand it?

Anyway...gonna do the dishes now, so at least the kitchen will look neat again and I won't feel so guilty for all the mess. Then I need to start packing for my short camp tomorrow...I HATE camping...haha.

Current Music:: Nightly Cares-Múm

Tags:

Current Music:: Nightly Cares-Múm

Every Sunday night, my hearts start beating like a maniac cause I have a whole new week of work ahead. This week it's even worse, cause I have a fucked up weekend lying ahead of me. After i have had Tuesday off this week, I will work from Wednesday till Monday..so even on Saturday and Sunday. Friday will be the worst day, cause I have to do stuff I'm never good at, and I always feel stupid then. And Sunday, cause after a whole day of 'fun', we have to clean up the mess AND then later that night I have to go to a school party. Now being the HSP that I am, it means bad stuff. I remember it from all years before. I sure had some fun those days, of course, but it floors me as well. But if I don't go to the party, people won't understand...they never do...

Mood:: scared

Tags:

December 2019

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Well I know it's just a spring haze

...waiting for sunday to drown...

Entries tagged with stressed

The fear we fear most is actually fear itself

Face your fears

Nothing makes a whole lot of sense

Good things never last long enough

extremely tired and Rosalie turned 1

This is not going to be a good year

stomme klotezooi en kutwereld

dreams dreams dreams

No. Dutch.

(no subject)

le sigh

December 2019

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