Well I know it's just a spring haze

 I'm still alive! Just busy and/or lethargic. It's a busy time at work these days, but next week I have to work for only 2 days and then I got 2+ weeks off, which is always nice. 

Tomorrow my mom will celebrate her birthday for the family which means I'll see my nieces again, which is always lovely. Other than this, I don't have much to share I guess. Well, maybe that I am a bit addicted to Netflix? The Netflix collection in my country so far is so/so, but I've discovered that when you use a proxy, you can access any other country Netflix is available in. Goodness gracious how awesome. Devoured The Killing, The Bridge (both original Danish/Swedish productions), Orange Is The New Black, House Of Cards etc...etc...I've re-watched the entire collection of The Nanny (yeah yeah yeah) and so much more. I love it! ♥

I really have nothing else to add, so I leave it at this. Sorry for not commenting much either, I'm just not really feeling it at the moment. I do read all of your entries though!
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Happiness…

I was reading old diaries of mine. I keep one since the age of 12. I think it was near the end of 2003 when my thoughts and feelings got darker and darker. There were moments of joy, but I found it hard to fit into this world. Things got worse when I moved out of the house into my apartment at the end of 2003. I think that every entry was about me being confused about life, work etc… Of course I also tend to write down my thoughts more when it involves a stressful situation, and keeping an online journal also often prevented me from writing in my physical journal. But still. For over 10 years now I seem to struggle with the same things: a feeling of not belonging here, a need for freedom.

( more ramblings this way )

I know the only right decision would be to quit this job and do something I love. I hope to be able to do just one day soon. (I still wish the idea of a basic income for all, of which you could live off without a job would become reality for all one day soon. It would make life so much easier for so many people and in the end would benefit so many things. For more info: http://www.globalincome.org/English/Global-Basic-Income.html)

Let me end this long post with a song, one of my favourite songs of all times:



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Ever since I started to teach, now about 10 years ago I, from time to time, have these nightmares in which none of the kids listen, I yell, yell louder, yell even more louder and still nothing helps. Everyone jumps around, do as they please and it pretty much is one big mess. Whenever I wake up I feel relieved, it was just a dream and though I doubt myself as a teacher so often, it never actually gets that bad.

Well...it never did until yesterday afternoon. I think I was not in an all too best mood, because dear god I've been tired for too long. I heard myself respond to things I could have easily ignored and all would have been fine. But no. I had to make a point somehow? The kids were all over the place that afternoon, not listening at all. I promised them that the final 45 minutes they got to work on the project they so loved. God, it went insane after that. Yelling, running around, just doing as they pleased. Basically all things that always happened in my nightmares and stayed there now came true. It was awful. I felt awful. I even got a girl into tears because I spoke another language than her and misunderstood her. So that involved a dad ranging up after school. I still can't believe this actually happened. It was a small comfort to hear all classes had issues with their kids, but still. This was a super, super low for me. I had a day off today, which was good, but tomorrow I will at least apologize to the girl for getting her upset. Even though I never meant to upset her, still. I remember having these teachers that always clashed with me and pretended they were better than me. I don't want to be like that.

Yesterday was a god awful day, now to be able to just let go and accept it for what it was....

Haven't updated in a month. Guess not much happened that was worth writing about?
Work has been consuming most of my time. I still haven't got used to the routine. And now with the days getting shorter and darker it's getting even harder to get up. 

Summer decided to show up in autumn, which was nice while it lasted. Shame temperatures will go down starting tomorrow: 12 degrees celsius and lower. Ugh. I did end up getting a new coat for winter though which I really like, so that eases the pain of cold weather just a bit. 

Yeah...what else? Rosalie turned 2 just 2 weeks ago. Tori concerts in 2 weeks. I sold tickets for 2 of the shows since I actually don't feel like seeing that many shows. I am still not sure how I feel about seeing her live, though from what I read on the internet it's supposed to be amazing. But the new album doesn't wow me. The opening song does, as does the instrumental part of Star Whisperer. A lot of songs I skip though, not for the music, but for the singing voice of Tori. I don't join the hype either anymore that's going on right now. I simply don't seem to care about it much anymore. Which still saddens me a bit, since I've been listening to Tori for almost half of my life now. 
But who knows what happens once I see her live again in 2 weeks. 

And life just seems to happen these days. I haven't touched my DSLR in weeks which I feel bad about, but ever since work started I don't seem to have the energy to do much else. I want to try out running. I bought the clothes. Downloaded a course. All I need now are good shoes and actually some motivation. Yeah...maybe one day...

Well...of to bed I go. Watch the final DVD of LOTR:ROTK in bed. Then back to work again tomorrow...

I think that when you spend a lot of time on your own, you get so used to it, it gets harder and harder to be around people 24/7. Then again: when Judy was here last year, it didn't feel tiresome at all. I was afraid it would be, but it didn't. It was actually just nice.

I find it extremely confusing this whole being sensitive stuff. I still don't really know when it's me or someone else and what to do about it. At least I managed to be more expressive. She said this morning she wanted to leave at 1 o'clock, but I asked her if it would be okay if she left a bit earlier because I needed some of this Sunday to myself. Silly maybe, I dunno, but my head was full, even after a night of good sleep. I just needed my space back.
Maybe we're just too different, I dunno. And maybe it's just because I shouldn't be doing these things during a weekend, after a week full of work. Sigh. I wish I understand myself better sometimes.

Anyway...the rest of today just felt weird. Still does. Hmmm...

So...today I went into town for a bit to have lunch and mail a package. Random thoughts came to me...

1. My country decided we don't need a post office anymore. It got closed in my city last October and we don't have a real post office anymore. They are now spread all through the city, located in stores and such. Which is annoying, because it's never sure what kind of service they provide. Some only sell stamps, others will send packages international, others don't. Annoying much. Why not just have a real post office, with people working there who actually know what they are required to do? Yesterday I sent 5 packages, got a track and trace code for all of them. Today I went to another store so mail another package. The kid working there had no idea about track and trace and showed me a map with instructions he got. That was it. Again: why no post office like we used to have? It made everything so much easier. And there is nothing we can do about it. The government decides and you have to deal with it no matter what.

2. I'm a teacher. Have been one for a little over 7 years. These days children with special needs don't go to special schools anymore (well, hardly), they just go to a normal school. Because, so the government says "It's in the child best interest to not feel too left out" or something like that. What they are actually saying is "We don't want to spend any money on good education, deal with it!". When we've got a kid in class who clearly doesn't function well, we're required to fill in all sort of forms. When you don't express your needs well enough, or when you don't use particular words to describe the problems, they will tell you "sorry, not enough proof the child can't stay in school or requires help (read: money)". And you're fucked. So is the child. Classes grow bigger, tasks for teacher have less to do with teaching. It's frustrating, because there, again, is really not much we can do about it. Some dude from the government decides what is good and what is not and we have to just deal with it. They have NO idea what is like to teach a class full of different kind of children. They just expect every kid to be the same and results should reflect that. They seem to forget how they needed education as well back in the days and that without it, they wouldn't be where they are now. Seriously...we earn so little as teachers and we get restricted more and more, expectations get higher and higher. All money goes to stupid roads, arts and projects that seem so unimportant.

And yes...I live in a democratic country: I can speak my mind without going to jail. I can vote for whoever I want. But that's about it. Speak your mind, yes. But no one listens though. It's like talking to a brick wall.

3. Paypal/ Ebay. It's SO unfair how they treat people there. Especially sellers. Ebay/Paypal couldn't exist without them, yet they treat them like crap. Buyer complains? Then they are always right. Even when you can proof otherwise, they simply don't care. How is that possible? How can a company like that still exist? They are scam! These are things I simply don't understand. And it's yet again something you can do so very little about.

4. My bank. When I get cash and want to put it into my own bank account, I have to pay a fee of €12.50 for it. It's MY money, they make so much money with my money already, I NEED a bank account, otherwise I won't receive payments for my job, won't be able to pay bills. Yet I get restrictions. How fair is that? Not at all, but what can you about it: nothing. They are protected by law and I'm just a big no one. Again, it pisses me off.

And there are so many other things I don't understand, like our health care system. And so many other things. And they frustrate me, and make me wonder "Why".