"Got enough guilt to start my own religion..."
So yeah, two lines from lyrics that seem to hit home at the moment again.
Last Thursday was not a good day. I ended up in the ER, because my oncologist thought it'd be better. I had chest pain and was still feeling tired, had trouble breathing etc...So we went to the ER, where they did a shitload of tests. We arrived at 2 in the afternoon and didn't leave till midnight. The chest pain wasn't solved, the tiredness was: still a very low HB. So 2 more blood transfusions were needed. It all took a long time, and in that time my mom, and later dad, were with me.
The first bag of blood went slow. It only arrived at 8 and took 2 hours to finish. The first blood transfusion the week before took 2,5 hours total. So at 10:00 I still had 1 more bag to go. At which point my mom was exhausted, had enough and said the legendary words: "If I'd known how long it would take, I would have let (me) spend the night in the hospital so I could go home." Which made me cry out of frustration, hurt and guilt. And because crying is something I seem to be doing a lot of lately.
There is a lot of guilt inside me. Especially towards my parents, who do a lot for me these days. I find it hard to accept help, because I think I'm not worthy of it, for some reason. I also find it difficult to see how this is affecting my parents. I know I'm not to blame, but I still feel guilty and I can't just not feel it.
The incident last Thursday triggered me and I decided to take a step back. Because I felt I was too much, again. Of course this didn't end well.
Tonight my mom wanted to talk. She sensed something was wrong and if it got something to do with Thursday. Yes (and also this morning, when I brought pie to take with us on a family outing and all my mom could say was "Hmm, do you think we should do that? Wouldn't it be better to safe it for some other time." Nothing else, no "Oh, how lovely" or something. So I shut down, because that's what I do, instead of just saying "fuck it!").
We had a long, long talk. Two against one basically. They couldn't understand my guilt, at all. My dad thought it was selfish and silly, my mom was hurt by it. They do so much for me and this is what they get back in return? I felt alone. Was in dire need of a hug and comfort from my parents, but instead got blamed for not caring enough about my mom's feelings etc...They, or my mom actually, also told me it's better I don't come along tomorrow to babysit my nieces. I'm 36 years old. I'm being grounded by my own mom because she can't handle the situation. And I'm the crazy one who understands EVERYTHING and just accepts and deals with it and shuts up. Because let's not hurt anyone but myself, because at least I can deal with my own hurt (but I actually can't).
And really, my mom and dad support me a whole lot during this whole cancer ordeal, and I totally understand how hard this must be for them. But I've never felt more alone than I did tonight. Instead of a comforting hug, I got blamed, shoved into a corner and being told to not come to something that gives me some sense of comfort in this dreadful time.
I don't even know how to deal with this, what to say. Tuesday another round of chemo is up. Normally my mom comes along, but I haven no idea now. I don't want to go at it alone, at the same time I don't think I want her around now. As if dealing with cancer isn't hard as it is, I now also have to deal with this. Comfort my parents and make them feel better instead of the other way round...
So yeah, two lines from lyrics that seem to hit home at the moment again.
Last Thursday was not a good day. I ended up in the ER, because my oncologist thought it'd be better. I had chest pain and was still feeling tired, had trouble breathing etc...So we went to the ER, where they did a shitload of tests. We arrived at 2 in the afternoon and didn't leave till midnight. The chest pain wasn't solved, the tiredness was: still a very low HB. So 2 more blood transfusions were needed. It all took a long time, and in that time my mom, and later dad, were with me.
The first bag of blood went slow. It only arrived at 8 and took 2 hours to finish. The first blood transfusion the week before took 2,5 hours total. So at 10:00 I still had 1 more bag to go. At which point my mom was exhausted, had enough and said the legendary words: "If I'd known how long it would take, I would have let (me) spend the night in the hospital so I could go home." Which made me cry out of frustration, hurt and guilt. And because crying is something I seem to be doing a lot of lately.
There is a lot of guilt inside me. Especially towards my parents, who do a lot for me these days. I find it hard to accept help, because I think I'm not worthy of it, for some reason. I also find it difficult to see how this is affecting my parents. I know I'm not to blame, but I still feel guilty and I can't just not feel it.
The incident last Thursday triggered me and I decided to take a step back. Because I felt I was too much, again. Of course this didn't end well.
Tonight my mom wanted to talk. She sensed something was wrong and if it got something to do with Thursday. Yes (and also this morning, when I brought pie to take with us on a family outing and all my mom could say was "Hmm, do you think we should do that? Wouldn't it be better to safe it for some other time." Nothing else, no "Oh, how lovely" or something. So I shut down, because that's what I do, instead of just saying "fuck it!").
We had a long, long talk. Two against one basically. They couldn't understand my guilt, at all. My dad thought it was selfish and silly, my mom was hurt by it. They do so much for me and this is what they get back in return? I felt alone. Was in dire need of a hug and comfort from my parents, but instead got blamed for not caring enough about my mom's feelings etc...They, or my mom actually, also told me it's better I don't come along tomorrow to babysit my nieces. I'm 36 years old. I'm being grounded by my own mom because she can't handle the situation. And I'm the crazy one who understands EVERYTHING and just accepts and deals with it and shuts up. Because let's not hurt anyone but myself, because at least I can deal with my own hurt (but I actually can't).
And really, my mom and dad support me a whole lot during this whole cancer ordeal, and I totally understand how hard this must be for them. But I've never felt more alone than I did tonight. Instead of a comforting hug, I got blamed, shoved into a corner and being told to not come to something that gives me some sense of comfort in this dreadful time.
I don't even know how to deal with this, what to say. Tuesday another round of chemo is up. Normally my mom comes along, but I haven no idea now. I don't want to go at it alone, at the same time I don't think I want her around now. As if dealing with cancer isn't hard as it is, I now also have to deal with this. Comfort my parents and make them feel better instead of the other way round...
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