Well I know it's just a spring haze

One thing I've learned these last two weeks, is that there are many ways in which you can say 'no'. It's quite a small word, yet it requires a lot often to just use it. Say it out loud. It takes courage. I realize now that even though I've come a long way since last September, I still have a long way to go. I've learned to stand up for myself more, but still haven't been firm enough. My 'no' often is a 'no, but...' or 'no, because'. I'm explaining and apologizing too much. And people take advantage of that. Not even on purpose, but when you're not firm and powerful enough people will find a way to manipulate you, make you feel guilty and doubt yourself.

I really thought I made myself perfectly clear at work. I didn't. I tried to explain too much, still. And with that, allowed the other person to overrule me.
Last night I didn't understand a thing. I made myself clear, didn't I? How come no one listened? And I didn't want to just say 'no' because that would make a bitch.
Now I know it won't. Helping people can also mean saying 'no' to someone. With no explanation given. Just a firm 'no'. It will maybe help other people to look around more, not always focus so much on what they know and have.

Now I just need to walk into work and tell my boss I will only work in this other class for one month. Not a day longer. I will not allow him to play another guilt trip on me (the kids need stability etc...) because I deserve better than that. No one has the right to treat me the way I've been treated these two weeks. And I no longer should allow myself to be treated like this. Enough! There are loads of other options in order to solve the problem. Yes, maybe more difficult, but it is NOT MY PROBLEM! I need to stop feeling guilty about it, cause it's not helping anyone. No one cares either. And I just need to think about me.

Also need to confront the entire team I work with, with how things were handled and how that's not acceptable for me anymore. Right now I feel good about it, but I know it's a lot harder to actually be so up front. But I have to do it. For me. Because with that I will finally take in my own space in this world. A spot I deserve just as well as others do.

Be careful what you wish for...yeah...


Before the Christmas holiday started I hoped for snow. Prayed for a white Christmas. It was fun for a good two weeks, but then work called again and I found it enough. But we got more snow. That finally had all melted away last week and then two days later we got back loads of snow, again! Which turned into ice not much later turning everything into a scary mess. But today it rained a lot so most of it had melted away again. But I just went upstairs and noticed some snow, AGAIN! And it's supposed to snow some more again this weekend, with temperatures below or just above zero. And I'm so so so so SO sick of it now. And to think Winter can really last for another two months makes me so depressed it's not even funny. There have been years in which by February we could have temperatures near 20 degrees Celsius. That's seems to unlikely now. It's supposed to be this crap weather for days if not weeks. And I don't like the cold, but would be okay with it if it would be without the snow and ice everywhere. Seriously...if by tomorrow there's another layer of snow outside I'm going to cry.

Edit January 30th: of course we got more snow. Not a lot, but it's supposed to snow/rain for a few more days. And then it will melt again just before the weekend, but then next Sunday it's supposed to freeze again and also snow again. It feels like a never ending cycle and I'm SO SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!