Well I know it's just a spring haze

Happiness…

I was reading old diaries of mine. I keep one since the age of 12. I think it was near the end of 2003 when my thoughts and feelings got darker and darker. There were moments of joy, but I found it hard to fit into this world. Things got worse when I moved out of the house into my apartment at the end of 2003. I think that every entry was about me being confused about life, work etc… Of course I also tend to write down my thoughts more when it involves a stressful situation, and keeping an online journal also often prevented me from writing in my physical journal. But still. For over 10 years now I seem to struggle with the same things: a feeling of not belonging here, a need for freedom.

( more ramblings this way )

I know the only right decision would be to quit this job and do something I love. I hope to be able to do just one day soon. (I still wish the idea of a basic income for all, of which you could live off without a job would become reality for all one day soon. It would make life so much easier for so many people and in the end would benefit so many things. For more info: http://www.globalincome.org/English/Global-Basic-Income.html)

Let me end this long post with a song, one of my favourite songs of all times:



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One real week into work and I want to throw things, am stressed out so much and just want to cry. Fucking hell I don't like this year at all whatsoever and it's going to be a long, long one. Had an argument with a colleague today over nothing. I'm not being taken serious AT ALL WHATSOEVER! We get a new girl in class tomorrow who's from Poland, doesn't speak a word Dutch whatsoever. I get no information. We need another table for her to sit at. Told them last week, today still nothing. I host the school website, someone messed with the database and passwords and never told me and now there's a database error, I can't log in etc...Pisses me off also. And there's loads and loads more and I'm just so sick of it all. I know there's the course in January. I know it might change something, or not. But it doesn't solve anything at this moment. I can speak my mind and say how I feel but in the end it doesn't matter cause I'm the only one who does speak up and I'm sick of it. Because no one listens or is bothered.

I'm so sick of fighting this battle all alone as I've always done.

Fucking hell.

So been back to work again the past three days. No kids yet, just preparations. Spent most of the time copying stuff. How exciting. Have to say I'm absolutely not looking forward to next year. Am so sick of teaching all these different kind of classes. Will even be teaching an extra hour, which will be cut from the hours I usually spent on preparing lessons for the rest of the school. Which sucks a lot, because those hours have been cut a lot the past couple of years. Ugh...really...so not looking forward to next year. So, so, so sick of being a substitute teacher most of the time. It's really sucky to be one, because you don't bond with the kids too well, it's only for a couple of hours a week and it's always SUCH a big battle to fight every week. Feel like a police officer most of them time, it's not good for my self-esteem and am just so sick of it. But alas...at least I've got a job and income, but am just loving it all less and less. Am just sick of always struggling, of feeling like the shittiest teacher ever. After teaching for 8 years now it would be so nice to finally be able to say I do a good job, but with all the substitute teaching, it just doesn't feel like it one bit...sigh.

At least I've now got 3 days off before work starts for real again.