prettygoodyear | Entries tagged with school

This morning I visited work. It was the first day back to work for all colleagues and I wanted to show my face and see if I could actually get some work done for my class. It was such a weird experience. Entering the school building was like watching a film, everything was like it was 5 weeks ago, and yet everything was different.
When I walked into the room with all my colleagues, there was a slight panic, due to all attention focussed on me, but that quickly faded though. I talked to some people, and also wine to my classroom to see if I could do anything there. I couldn't. I couldn't even focus on the tiniest things, didn't even know where to begin and when a colleague asked me about things that I found important for the substitute teacher to know about my class, I just didn't know anything. That was so bizar, that your body and mind are so focussed on surviving, getting better, dealing with the situation, that they can't focus on much else. It was also very confronting though: to see everyone getting ready for a new school year, and you're not a part of it.

When I got home 2 hours later I needed about 5 hours to recharge the battery and get my energy back.

And tonight, for the first time, I wanted to get out of all this cancer stuff. Yeah, fine, it was there, we dealt with it, now let's get everything back to normal again. But this is only the beginning. This is only the fucking beginning.
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Mood:: distressed

Tags:

One more week to go and then I have 5 weeks off from work. It also means that I had to put together a video with photos of the six eldest kids in class who will leave school and go to high school. It meant I had to search through photos from the past 3 years. That resulted in me looking at pictures of my birthday party last March. I had never looked at those images before, for some reason.

Now...I hate having my pictures taken, mostly because I don't like the way I look, see all my fatness, and just don't think I look, or feel, pretty. I often feel very insecure and can never understand how people always see this strong woman. But then I stumbled on some pictures of myself and could actually see it. Feels weird to say that about yourself, but these pictures shows me someone who has an aura, and who isn't just an invisible girl.

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Mood:: accomplished

Tags:

I helped my parents with their garden today. They decided to get rid of the pond, and just transform the garden completely. They did a lot of work the past 2 days, but I offered to help today because they always help me as well.
It was a LOT of work, a lot of digging, of getting rid of ground, plants, stuff. Then sand had to be transported from a huge pile outside the garden into the garden. Which was also super heavy and just draining.

At 4:00 we called it quits, because our bodies were too tired to move. And yet we still only managed to do so much.
And now my body is aching and I doubt tomorrow will be a great day to move. But alas, it felt good to do this as well.

I also made a list of pros and cons of quitting my job. The pros were endless, the cons basically only "steady income".
I was re-reading old journals of mine the other day and oh the times I wrote about how unhappy my job makes me, how it stresses me out a lot...it's been like this for so many years now but I keep doing it because it means a steady income.

Once I am teaching, it's not all bad. But I'm done with preparing lessons over and over again, with writing reports, study plans etc...I still doubt my teaching capabilities and most of the time I'm too buy with work in my head. And it causes stress. No ice if any other job would cause less stress, but it's time to say goodbye to this job. I managed to do it for 12 years, but doing it for another 12 years is just not going to make a happy person.

Working fulltime is nice, but I still miss my freedom. It's nice to be able to be in control of things, but my weekends feel too short and teaching 5 days is just giving me enough positive energy.

No decisions have been made, but more and more I begin to think and feel that it's time to say goodbye.
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Mood:: exhausted

Tags:

...and then I'll have my life back for a week. Working fulltime is going alright, but I miss me-time. I miss the quiet, the freedom, the long weekends. I have to be on all the time, and I feel that I get lost, I'm not as in touch with myself as I used to be. I understand now how people see their job as an escape, because you have to focus on only just that, but it's not for me. I am someone who enjoys the little things the most: the skies, sunshine, staring into the distance, doing nothing etc...I miss that now. Weekends are too short to really get back to that, I haven't read a book in weeks, which sucks, but I just can't even focus on anything much, except watching TV or surf the web. My world feels very limited: it's work, work, work now. Even when it's weekend, it's still in my head and I need time to adjust from it all and by the time I do that, I have to get ready for work again.

I don't want to sound like a debby downer here, because this is just an experience and it doesn't have to be till forever, but I just had no idea what an impact this would have on my life. I just realize that teaching, or any job I think, won't give the life fulfillment pleasure other people get from it. I am really happiest when I am outside, in nature having all the freedom in the world. That is what really defines me. That's when I feel most alive. And right now, having worked 6 weeks fulltime, I feel detached from myself and it's not a nice feeling.

Three more weeks though, and then it's Autumn break.

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Mood:: restless

Tags:

...I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost...

I find it difficult to deal with changes. I need time to adjust to new situations/people/whatever. I can get really emotional when things change and I don't have any control or power over that. Letting go of things is another thing I am not good at. I enjoy my comfy, safe bubble, as uncomfortable and unsafe it might feel sometimes. At least I know what I have. Because not knowing what I might get is scary. And then there's the saying goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye and let go. Because it means another chapter closes, another era of my life is being put away, for good (or that's how it feels). And, like I said before, a kind of safeness is leaving my life.

Anyway...14 years ago I was still a student. I was assigned to do this trainee teacher thing at a school close to my home. I rang them up and introduced myself and asked if I could come visit them that week to meet. I was getting a warm welcome once I arrived and while new things make me nervous, I felt at ease at that school. I ended up getting a job there and 14 years on still work there. With ups and downs, for sure. But it's a one-of-a-kind school. A lot of people have worked there for (almost) 40 years. It's a very close, tight group of people who care for each other. Sometimes it's difficult dealing with those who have been there so long, because they are so used to doing things in a certain way. But it says a lot when people work together for so many years.

To get to a point: last night my boss told everyone that this coming January, he will retire. And so will his wife, who is also working at my school. And while we had our differences, while I wanted to strangle them from time to time, they are a huge part of this school. I feel comfortable around them, it's a safeness. When they are gone, it will leave a gap. It's scary as well, because it can change a whole vibe. New people will arrive and will that work out? Will they fit in? Will they manage to maintain that vibe? Will I be able to feel safe and secure enough around them?

I mentioned earlier that I was thinking that this might be my final year at this school. I always felt like I would leave before anyone else, mostly because at least that way I would be in control of things. And then this happens...Of course change can be good and eventually something good will come from this. I just need my time to adjust, being the HSP that I am. It's a big change and like I said, I don't do so well with that...

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Mood:: sad

Tags:

Camp has been survived and we have now entered the final 2 weeks of this school year. Just finished the second night of parent meeting and so all that is left are just 1,5 week of school. Kinda weird that it's the Summer holiday already, still feels far away, but it is kinda nice. Scary too, because after this holiday I'll be teaching my class all on my own. I'm looking forward to it, but also just find it scary.

I really want to write a lot more stuff, but somehow I don't think I have much to write about these days. Maybe once the holiday has started and I have more time for other things...
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Mood:: productive

Tags:

Tomorrow I'll go on a 2 day school camp. One of those things I absolutely dread and hate. The fact that I am surrounded by a lot of (demanding) people 24/7 is awful. I won't be able to get much sleep for 2 nights, have to be on instantly in the morning and all throughout the day and there is just not much I enjoy about this entire event. I can even say I hate it and if I didn't HAVE to do it, I wouldn't.

Sure, the kids will love it, but I'll be glad to come home on wednesday and sleep in my own bed again. Sadly I'll have to return to work again the next day (and my 2 free days of the week, I'll be camping).

After this wednesday, the school year will be almost over. What remains are 2,5 week, in which I'll have to work 2 days without getting paid (days off). I'll also need to do 2 nights with parent meetings etc...I can't wait till the holiday starts, for real.

I'll just try to relax some more now and then face the next 2,5 dreadful days. At least the weather is nice?

Something else: today my dad had booked a flight on a floatplane for the entire family. Only 3 people at a time could be on it, so we took turns. First turn was my mom, sister and niece. Second turn was supposed to be my dad, brother in law and me, but since my mom etc...hadn't yet returned and someone had to stay with my youngest niece, my dad went next with 2 strangers, and my brother in law and me would do the third round. Sadly, the wind and waves were too strong, and while my dad was still on the plane, they headed for the local airport. I was just on the boat that would take us to the plane, but we had to turn around. So, we didn't make it onto the plane. What a shame, because it was supposed to be quite the ride/flight. Maybe next time. Rosalie, eldest niece, was really excited to be flying though and am happy she was able to. She found the noises and boat ride extremely scary, up to the point of crying, but once in the air she found it amazing.
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Mood:: blah

Tags:

Last Friday night I had a party at school with my class. It's a yearly tradition in which the eldest kids of the class get to organise everything. All I have to do is being present that night (and take photos, haha). It was a lovely evening, but was also happy when I got home late that night.

I also decided to get out of my procrastinating phase and actually write and finish those school reports. I have another week left, and I usually wait till the very last minute before I write them, but this time I decided to write and finish them early. Always a nice feeling when you've accomplished something and can let go of it!

I'm also currently making a birthday present for my youngest niece who will turn 2 in a few weeks. She's obsessed with everything shiny and glittery so decided to make her a small book full of glittery and shiny things. Might post pictures when finished.

Bladder infection finally seems to have left my body, though I needed antibiotics for it (something I don't like using much because of all its side effects...)
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Mood:: accomplished

Tags:

So today I asked the kids in class which books they would like to see replaced from the school library.
"Harry Potter"
I gasped. Wait. What?!
"They are way too big and really, nobody reads them anymore miss."

How did this happen? Since when is Harry Potter no longer cool to read? What kind of parallel universe did I get moved to?

My Harry Potter fan heart is crying. These books gave me so much life, and still give me so much life and to know there will be children out there who will never read them! What has happened to the world?????!!!!!
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Mood:: shocked

Tags:

So for almost 11 years now I work as a primary school teacher. We educate the children about all sorts of subjects and are required to know everything about everything about every subject as well. While basically, you only know the basics, because 4 years of training doesn’t actually teach you a whole lot. But okay.

Recently, or not even that recently, it’s assumed that primary school children need better education. Or…they need education on and individual level but still in a class of 30 children. With money cuts all around. We have to write plans to help children perform better in all sorts of categories (most recent even: we need a new school method to help children gain more social skills…). There are 30 children in my class. They are all different, they all have different interests, they all learn in a different way. I have to make sure that by the end of their 8 years of primary school (age 12) they’ll be educated well. In the mean time I’ll have written several reports, made plans etc…in order to give them the highest scores on tests they take.

It’s seriously doing my head in. I get paid less than a high school teacher, who often has to teach only 1 subject. They also don’t have to write all sorts of reports and plans like we do. They have less hours to teach etc…etc…Things we teach in primary school, will be repeated in the first year of high school. While in our class there are 30 children who are all performing on different skills levels, in high school they get put in classes that meet their level of education.

I know high school students can be a lot harder to deal with and motivate, but the way things are right now it makes being a teacher less and less fun for me.

Today we had an afternoon meeting with someone who educated us on the importance of reading. We have to prepare plans for children who are behind. We have to give them more instructions. But we also need to give more instructions to those who scored A’s, but didn’t make any progress. And this was only reading. There’s also match, Dutch, etc..etc…

We once were a school who didn’t want to make test scores the highest possible goal, but we are turning into that school because inspection expects it of us.

Today was not a good day. I find it hard to motivate myself to enjoy this job. I am dealing this for years now, but it is getting worse. I have a totally different idea about what education and life should be about but nobody is listening. Tests and scores are the only 2 words that count these days. It doesn’t matter how happy you are, how social, that you know where your qualities lie and how to do something with them. You have to score high. Get a job. Earn lots of money and go to work every day and forget about how to actually live your life. It makes me sad and upset. And I have no idea how to change this.

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Mood:: cranky

Tags:

Yesterday morning I had to get up way earlier than a usual saturday (and I am no morning person whatsoever, so yawn) because I would be spending the entire day with my colleagues. Like every year we had a day ahead of us full of surprises, organised by 2 members of our school team. We were supposed to be at the train station at 8.30 a.m., so quite early. Turned out we went to Amsterdam by train. When we arrived there we had to do a little walk across a small part of the city centre, where we ended up drinking coffee somewhere. Then we visited a small museum and afterwards we had some time to ourselves to explore town a bit more. Around 2 o'clock we headed back to our own city where we ended up on a golf club where we got a 2,5 hours lesson in golfing. I found yet another sport I suck at, lol.

All in all it was a fun day that ended with dinner and I didn't arrive home till 11.30 p.m. We were also extremely lucky with the weather, because a day earlier it rained all day long and today was no better. But yesterday it was dry and we even got some sunshine!

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Mood:: cold

Tags:

school

Sometimes I wonder why I still teach, but not today. Today was a day that made me love what I do: we went on a field trip. We cycled for a good 11 km to get to the Oostvaardersplassen: a nature reserve where nature can do what it wants without humans trying to interfere, or as little as possible. They recently made a wonderful movie about the reserve, which the kids also went to see, so it was only natural to also visit it again. And it was great. Didn't see too many different animals, but were lucky with what we did see. Added some photos to this post.

( Follow the horse butts :) )

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Mood:: refreshed

Tags:

school,
work

Yesterday afternoon, while the kids were working on a project, I sat behind my desk making a cube. On YouTube I had found these wonderful, short, science movies and decided to try them out in class. They love it. Anyway…I was just creating this cube and the kids who noticed asked me what I was doing. I didn't tell them much, but asked them to help me anyway. I let them explore, told them a bit about what I wanted to try and for the entire afternoon kids, off and on, were trying to get this to work:

You need a cube, preferably self-made. You also need water and soap, and a straw or something else to blow bubble with.

Fill a large bowl or whatever with water and add soap to it. Stir. Then gently place the cube into the water.

Gently pull the cube up.

Shake it a bit so the form inside the cube takes shape.

Gently blow a bubble inside the cube bubble.

Voila, a square bubble!

It was fun to do, got everyone excited and curious and a lot of kids asked me how to do it at home. What's more perfect than kids asking for homework because they enjoyed it so much?

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Mood:: accomplished

Tags:

school

I haven't updated this journal in like forever. Yikes!

Anyway…Summer holiday has started last Friday and so far the weather is blissful. Finally! And for the first time in years I decided to not go to Ireland on a holiday and of course the weather there is now also perfect. Sigh. Oh well, at least it's perfect here as well. I've bought loads of books that will keep me occupied these 5 weeks, haha. Can't wait to read all of them. It is my goal to read at least 1 book a week, so 52 in total, but so far have already read 43 books, so I think that goal will be easily reached!

What else is new? Nothing much. I haven't updated in forever because I didn't feel like writing, at all. Still kinda meh about a lot of things and didn't want to just post another post full of sad/negative rants. Am happy to have a long 5 weeks off from work and everything. No stress, no things to do I dread etc…
Next Monday I have another appointment with Emil, the counsellor. It's been a long time since our last appointment and things are not totally alright and clear. But I'm also not sure a session with him would be helpful. We'll see.

I feel like I should post loads more, but I haven no clue what about, so this will have to do for now. Maybe I'll get some inspiration the next couple of weeks, we'll see.

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Mood:: calm

Tags:

Last week wasn't my week. On wednesday I had another talk with my boss and his wife. They were not amused at first and thought my words were one big misunderstanding and quite harsh. In the end I managed to explain to them why I had done what I had done in the way I did. That communication at our school sucks big time. That assumptions are alright as long as you talk about them and not keep them to yourself, or share them with everyone except the person it's about. It was an okay talk, but emotionally draining since they lack so much empathy. They are nice people, but they never explore their feelings more than they feel is necessary and if someone else does, they have no idea how to handle it.

Anyway…when I arrived home later that afternoon, I got a panic call from my school board. Way back in August last year I got this official complaint from a parent. Apparently I was the devil to her daughter etc…etc…After a long 6 months she decided to not drop the complaint. It meant I had to write a statement, which I did and had to correct a couple of times. All was sent to the school's lawyer last month. We were under the assumption that everything would be handled by mail. But the panic call was to inform me that I had to go to Utrecht the next morning, together with my boss, because there would be a hearing. Yeah. We both didn't know it, and I was totally unprepared. Which I hate. I knew I had done nothing wrong and was in my right, but still….a hearing is official.

The hearing took an hour and went okay as far as hearings can go (this was my first one). It was emotional draining though, apparently. We won't know what the outcome will be, we have to wait a maximum of 4 weeks before it will arrive by mail.

All those things drained me, emotionally. Yesterday I had a wedding of my best friend, and it was lovely. But oh god, by the end of the day all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep for days. Luckily it's the weekend now and I have nothing planned. I also hope this hearing was the last incident I have to deal with for a long time. I could do with some quiet time now.

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Mood:: intimidated

Tags:

I was always of the assumption I always ran away from my fears, but with all the shit happening at work, I realise I actually face them, most of the time. I often keep quiet about a lot of things, but whenever something is really bothering me, I speak up. I want things to be resolved, I have to understand the why's and how's of things that have happened. It's fucking scary though, cause I'm always facing and fighting it alone, even though I have people who support me. It's still me who has to deal with everything.

I sent out an email to my boss and his wife (also my colleague) who I had my previous 2 talks with. I asked a lot of questions, about what certain things that were said were based on, why they fear confrontations so much and what I've ever done to let them believe that talking to me would result in something horrible.
I haven't heard back from them, but have to go to work tonight though. I know my intentions are good, I never try to hurt anyone. I know I'm in my right to ask these questions and get answers. I know. But it feels fucking scary though, cause it's me against the rest.

The *funny* thing is though, that I had a dream about this about a week ago, which I wrote an entry about. My boss' wife apparently also had a dream about it, in which I had called in some parents and children from school to also have a say in things and speak on my behalf, or something like that.

We'll see what will happen to tonight. I'm scared though, but that's because no matter what, I''ll always still doubt myself, even when it's totally uncalled for.

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And just like that another school year has ended. The last couple of days went by in a blur, like they always do. Said goodbye to a dear colleague and also a girl from class who I was very close to. Didn't shed a tear until just now when I got home. Always such a weird time: happy to have 5 weeks off, but also sad to let got and say goodbye.

Mood:: sad

Tags:

Ever since I started to teach, now about 10 years ago I, from time to time, have these nightmares in which none of the kids listen, I yell, yell louder, yell even more louder and still nothing helps. Everyone jumps around, do as they please and it pretty much is one big mess. Whenever I wake up I feel relieved, it was just a dream and though I doubt myself as a teacher so often, it never actually gets that bad.

Well...it never did until yesterday afternoon. I think I was not in an all too best mood, because dear god I've been tired for too long. I heard myself respond to things I could have easily ignored and all would have been fine. But no. I had to make a point somehow? The kids were all over the place that afternoon, not listening at all. I promised them that the final 45 minutes they got to work on the project they so loved. God, it went insane after that. Yelling, running around, just doing as they pleased. Basically all things that always happened in my nightmares and stayed there now came true. It was awful. I felt awful. I even got a girl into tears because I spoke another language than her and misunderstood her. So that involved a dad ranging up after school. I still can't believe this actually happened. It was a small comfort to hear all classes had issues with their kids, but still. This was a super, super low for me. I had a day off today, which was good, but tomorrow I will at least apologize to the girl for getting her upset. Even though I never meant to upset her, still. I remember having these teachers that always clashed with me and pretended they were better than me. I don't want to be like that.

Yesterday was a god awful day, now to be able to just let go and accept it for what it was....

Mood:: embarrassed

Tags:

5 more weeks till Ireland. Received my open road bus pass last week by mail, which got me excited. Allows me to travel 4 days by buss all through Ireland if I want to. It's cheaper than buying day tickets. It also allows me to get on the bus at the airport and take the touristy route to Killarney. Had 2 dreams about Ireland since receiving the pass. First one was me getting on the buss and never arriving at the destination, taking detours etc...though it didn't matter much as I knew I'd get there eventually. Last night had another dream. Was in Dingle with my sis, Decided to jump off the bus we were on so I didn't have to walk all the way back to this amazing spot. Walked the streets of an unknown village which looked gorgeous, spoke to an Irish man who knew Dutch. And was about to take a cable ride up a hill for stunning views, but realized I forgot to bring my camera and clouds were blocking the view. So told my sister I really wanted to return there again and if she was okay with it. I guess that's where I woke up.

Anyway...4,5 more weeks till the Summer holiday, 5 more weeks till my holiday. Past few weeks involved school camps. First one happened 2 weeks ago, which was tiresome. Was a 30+ km bike ride with the kids and at one point I fell with my bike and got one big, massive bruise on my leg, a smaller one, a sore thumb and a scratched arm. Fun! Yesterday went on my second camp (though went home late at night) which was tiresome as well. Now all that is needed is to write the reports and make sure the farewell party for a dear colleague of mine will go alright. Stressful to organize it and I am certain it's not something I'm good at or enjoy. Too much of a control freak for it. Final stage of school is happening right now though, which is good.

Mood:: tired

Tags:

So...schools in my country are being told they need to step it up. Scores need to get up, children should do better in schools. I'm sure it's like this in the rest of the world. Thing is: while the world have evolved and changed, our school system is basically still the same as about 100 years ago: children sit in a classroom, teacher educates them by telling stories, explaining stuff etc...and they write stuff down we tell them to write down. I don't get it, and never will I'm sure. Needless to say more and more children are less motivated to learn things, get bored, find school stupid etc...

This week we started with a 2 week project. Kids are supposed to make some kind of paper, do a presentation or something else about a subject they chose, in pairs. They only thing I told them was what kind of direction they could follow and what kind of information needed to be told. Nothing else. For 2 days straight it's all they work on when they have time. This afternoon, when I walked to class, everyone was already there, working. They figure things out on their own. They learn things I never taught them, because they want to figure it out. I often just observe, walk around and do nothing. Tell them to mind their grammar, give some ideas, but nothing more. I've got the most motivated kids ever. And it makes me happy. But also makes me wonder: why are we still supposed to do things the way we've done them for the past 100 years, while the children of this era are obviously in need of a different approach. Children still want to learn, they just want to learn in a different way.

Mood:: confused

Tags:

school

December 2019

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Well I know it's just a spring haze

...waiting for sunday to drown...

Entries tagged with school

Back to work, but not really

Hello there!

All the aches

Three more weeks...

The world has changed...

Nearing the end...

If only it were Wednesday

Stuff that is totally random

My poor Harry Potter fan heart

This world...and my role in it...

Amsterdam

What a wonderful day

Yesterday at work

Oh my! It's been 2 months!

(no subject)

Face your fears

These tears I've cried...

When nightmare become reality

(no subject)

(no subject)

December 2019

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