prettygoodyear: (reading - Books!)

So for almost 11 years now I work as a primary school teacher. We educate the children about all sorts of subjects and are required to know everything about everything about every subject as well. While basically, you only know the basics, because 4 years of training doesn’t actually teach you a whole lot. But okay. 

Recently, or not even that recently, it’s assumed that primary school children need better education. Or…they need education on and individual level but still in a class of 30 children. With money cuts all around. We have to write plans to help children perform better in all sorts of categories (most recent even: we need a new school method to help children gain more social skills…). There are 30 children in my class. They are all different, they all have different interests, they all learn in a different way. I have to make sure that by the end of their 8 years of primary school (age 12) they’ll be educated well. In the mean time I’ll have written several reports, made plans etc…in order to give them the highest scores on tests they take. 

It’s seriously doing my head in. I get paid less than a high school teacher, who often has to teach only 1 subject. They also don’t have to write all sorts of reports and plans like we do. They have less hours to teach etc…etc…Things we teach in primary school, will be repeated in the first year of high school. While in our class there are 30 children who are all performing on different skills levels, in high school they get put in classes that meet their level of education. 

I know high school students can be a lot harder to deal with and motivate, but the way things are right now it makes being a teacher less and less fun for me. 

Today we had an afternoon meeting with someone who educated us on the importance of reading. We have to prepare plans for children who are behind. We have to give them more instructions. But we also need to give more instructions to those who scored A’s, but didn’t make any progress. And this was only reading. There’s also match, Dutch, etc..etc…

We once were a school who didn’t want to make test scores the highest possible goal, but we are turning into that school because inspection expects it of us. 

Today was not a good day. I find it hard to motivate myself to enjoy this job. I am dealing this for years now, but it is getting worse. I have a totally different idea about what education and life should be about but nobody is listening. Tests and scores are the only 2 words that count these days. It doesn’t matter how happy you are, how social, that you know where your qualities lie and how to do something with them. You have to score high. Get a job. Earn lots of money and go to work every day and forget about how to actually live your life. It makes me sad and upset. And I have no idea how to change this. 

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prettygoodyear: (random text - it would be nice if someth)
Who are you? Do you know who you are? Do you know what you're really good at? These are questions I don't have answers for myself. Who am I? My coach asked me last monday that if I could be the person I am, who would it be? And I told him I had no idea and truly couldn't answer it. 

All my life I've felt unsafe. All my life I've been looking for that safety. I get my safety, which isn't really safety at all, by pleasing the world. By putting on several masks, swallowing a lot of thoughts. I often feel like I don't have a real identity. People often tell me that they think I'm a strong person. Being a strong person must be a nice thing, but it often feels like it's my biggest weakness. I'm good at pretending. (and hey, I mention something I'm good at...)

My self-confidence is non-existent. If someone is angry with me, I think I deserve that. If someone blames me for something, I always think they are right. I always apologise to people, even when I don't have to. I hold a lot of things in. Because I don't want to bother people. I feel that when I show the real me (which I have no real clue about who that is) people will run away. The funny thing is though, people run away from me now as well. And pleasing everyone doesn't bring me safety, or happiness at all. And yet I continue this habit. Because I've been doing this all my life. And I mean *literally* all my  life. I've never been a worry-free child. I was always scared of the big, bad world. I always pleased my mom and dad. I've never hit puberty like I was supposed to, because I didn't want to cause trouble. I have a hard time sharing my thoughts with people closest to me, because I'm scared they won't understand, or whatever. 

Today at work I had a meeting with my boss and his wife (who also works at my school). I requested it weeks ago, because I have more and more issues with the way our education system is heading. I wanted to talk about it, see if there were other options. It was the conversation I had a dream about a few days ago. It pretty much really went that way, although I still have job. 
Apparently they had noticed long, long ago I was not feeling it anymore. And then they pointed out how I withdraw myself from my colleagues, how my non-verbal communication is saying a lot, but not in a good way and I should work with it, do something about it. It hit me in the face, hard. I couldn't think anymore, I felt I was shutting down. I assumed right away they were right, and I did it all wrong. And I also couldn't figure out anymore how the fuck I was supposed to act, like ever.  After that meeting I went into my classroom, which I share with another colleague. I apologised to her for my recent behaviour and told her I had been a terrible colleague. (see, there I go again, apologising). She told me she couldn't read me anymore. I was so shut down and she even became scared of me. Yes. Really. What. The. Fuck. 

Needless to say my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I went home, called my mom and went over for a talk. It took me 15 minutes to actually say something. I was crying the whole time and just couldn't stop. Whenever I tried to speak, I cried some more. And then the first words I spoke were "I try so hard all the time". And then my mom asked "And who for?". 

I'm a quiet, private person. I keep to myself a lot. When something bothers me, it shows in my body language. I have issues I need to work out, and I'm working on it. I am. But I also, for once, just want to be accepted for who I am. My colleague told me she had noticed a long time ago something was bothering me, but she never asked because she got enough shit of her own. And then she, and everyone else, also always assume I'm this strong person who just handles her shit on her own. And it hurts so fucking much. And it's all confusing me so much. So fucking much. I sent an email about all this to my coach. 

Be who you are. I know that's all that matters, but fucking hell, whenever I try to show the world a piece of me, I get hit in the face so damn fucking hard. 

And I just remember this line from "The perks of being a wallflower": "We accept the love we think we deserve". Which I could translate into "We allow people to treat us the way we think we deserve to be treated". 

All this happens for a reason, I am aware of it. But right now it keeps me from getting any sleep. Right now it fucking hurts. Right now I want to run away from the world and hide. 
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/252253.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (tv - lost - lost intro animation)
 No more snow please! Stop! STOP! Jesus fucking christ it's SPRING for crying out loud, stop with the low temperatures and snow already!!!!!!

For the record: beginning of January temperatures dropped and snow arrived. End of March: temperatures still below 5 degrees and still snow. That's a full 3 months of winter, for fucks sake let there be at least 3 months of real summer then as well! 
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/251500.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear  - oh crap!)
 People who say the world is getting warmer, are lying. People who complain we never get any real winters over here are lying as well. Fucking winter. I wish it would end already, but no. More snow and more cold are predicted for at least another 10 days or so. Fucking hell, how am I going to live through it? I HATE being cold. I hate feeling the cold. It hurts. There is nothing remotely fun or exciting about it, at all. 

And of course getting long, cold winters never result in long, warm summers. I hate living in this country. I hate snow. I hate cold. Fuck my life. 
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/249827.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (Default)

December 2019

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