Who are you? Do you know who you are? Do you know what you're really good at? These are questions I don't have answers for myself. Who am I? My coach asked me last monday that if I could be the person I am, who would it be? And I told him I had no idea and truly couldn't answer it.
All my life I've felt unsafe. All my life I've been looking for that safety. I get my safety, which isn't really safety at all, by pleasing the world. By putting on several masks, swallowing a lot of thoughts. I often feel like I don't have a real identity. People often tell me that they think I'm a strong person. Being a strong person must be a nice thing, but it often feels like it's my biggest weakness. I'm good at pretending. (and hey, I mention something I'm good at...)
My self-confidence is non-existent. If someone is angry with me, I think I deserve that. If someone blames me for something, I always think they are right. I always apologise to people, even when I don't have to. I hold a lot of things in. Because I don't want to bother people. I feel that when I show the real me (which I have no real clue about who that is) people will run away. The funny thing is though, people run away from me now as well. And pleasing everyone doesn't bring me safety, or happiness at all. And yet I continue this habit. Because I've been doing this all my life. And I mean *literally* all my life. I've never been a worry-free child. I was always scared of the big, bad world. I always pleased my mom and dad. I've never hit puberty like I was supposed to, because I didn't want to cause trouble. I have a hard time sharing my thoughts with people closest to me, because I'm scared they won't understand, or whatever.
Today at work I had a meeting with my boss and his wife (who also works at my school). I requested it weeks ago, because I have more and more issues with the way our education system is heading. I wanted to talk about it, see if there were other options. It was the conversation I had a dream about a few days ago. It pretty much really went that way, although I still have job.
Apparently they had noticed long, long ago I was not feeling it anymore. And then they pointed out how I withdraw myself from my colleagues, how my non-verbal communication is saying a lot, but not in a good way and I should work with it, do something about it. It hit me in the face, hard. I couldn't think anymore, I felt I was shutting down. I assumed right away they were right, and I did it all wrong. And I also couldn't figure out anymore how the fuck I was supposed to act, like ever. After that meeting I went into my classroom, which I share with another colleague. I apologised to her for my recent behaviour and told her I had been a terrible colleague. (see, there I go again, apologising). She told me she couldn't read me anymore. I was so shut down and she even became scared of me. Yes. Really. What. The. Fuck.
Needless to say my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I went home, called my mom and went over for a talk. It took me 15 minutes to actually say something. I was crying the whole time and just couldn't stop. Whenever I tried to speak, I cried some more. And then the first words I spoke were "I try so hard all the time". And then my mom asked "And who for?".
I'm a quiet, private person. I keep to myself a lot. When something bothers me, it shows in my body language. I have issues I need to work out, and I'm working on it. I am. But I also, for once, just want to be accepted for who I am. My colleague told me she had noticed a long time ago something was bothering me, but she never asked because she got enough shit of her own. And then she, and everyone else, also always assume I'm this strong person who just handles her shit on her own. And it hurts so fucking much. And it's all confusing me so much. So fucking much. I sent an email about all this to my coach.
Be who you are. I know that's all that matters, but fucking hell, whenever I try to show the world a piece of me, I get hit in the face so damn fucking hard.
And I just remember this line from "The perks of being a wallflower": "We accept the love we think we deserve". Which I could translate into "We allow people to treat us the way we think we deserve to be treated".
All this happens for a reason, I am aware of it. But right now it keeps me from getting any sleep. Right now it fucking hurts. Right now I want to run away from the world and hide.
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/252253.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
All my life I've felt unsafe. All my life I've been looking for that safety. I get my safety, which isn't really safety at all, by pleasing the world. By putting on several masks, swallowing a lot of thoughts. I often feel like I don't have a real identity. People often tell me that they think I'm a strong person. Being a strong person must be a nice thing, but it often feels like it's my biggest weakness. I'm good at pretending. (and hey, I mention something I'm good at...)
My self-confidence is non-existent. If someone is angry with me, I think I deserve that. If someone blames me for something, I always think they are right. I always apologise to people, even when I don't have to. I hold a lot of things in. Because I don't want to bother people. I feel that when I show the real me (which I have no real clue about who that is) people will run away. The funny thing is though, people run away from me now as well. And pleasing everyone doesn't bring me safety, or happiness at all. And yet I continue this habit. Because I've been doing this all my life. And I mean *literally* all my life. I've never been a worry-free child. I was always scared of the big, bad world. I always pleased my mom and dad. I've never hit puberty like I was supposed to, because I didn't want to cause trouble. I have a hard time sharing my thoughts with people closest to me, because I'm scared they won't understand, or whatever.
Today at work I had a meeting with my boss and his wife (who also works at my school). I requested it weeks ago, because I have more and more issues with the way our education system is heading. I wanted to talk about it, see if there were other options. It was the conversation I had a dream about a few days ago. It pretty much really went that way, although I still have job.
Apparently they had noticed long, long ago I was not feeling it anymore. And then they pointed out how I withdraw myself from my colleagues, how my non-verbal communication is saying a lot, but not in a good way and I should work with it, do something about it. It hit me in the face, hard. I couldn't think anymore, I felt I was shutting down. I assumed right away they were right, and I did it all wrong. And I also couldn't figure out anymore how the fuck I was supposed to act, like ever. After that meeting I went into my classroom, which I share with another colleague. I apologised to her for my recent behaviour and told her I had been a terrible colleague. (see, there I go again, apologising). She told me she couldn't read me anymore. I was so shut down and she even became scared of me. Yes. Really. What. The. Fuck.
Needless to say my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I went home, called my mom and went over for a talk. It took me 15 minutes to actually say something. I was crying the whole time and just couldn't stop. Whenever I tried to speak, I cried some more. And then the first words I spoke were "I try so hard all the time". And then my mom asked "And who for?".
I'm a quiet, private person. I keep to myself a lot. When something bothers me, it shows in my body language. I have issues I need to work out, and I'm working on it. I am. But I also, for once, just want to be accepted for who I am. My colleague told me she had noticed a long time ago something was bothering me, but she never asked because she got enough shit of her own. And then she, and everyone else, also always assume I'm this strong person who just handles her shit on her own. And it hurts so fucking much. And it's all confusing me so much. So fucking much. I sent an email about all this to my coach.
Be who you are. I know that's all that matters, but fucking hell, whenever I try to show the world a piece of me, I get hit in the face so damn fucking hard.
And I just remember this line from "The perks of being a wallflower": "We accept the love we think we deserve". Which I could translate into "We allow people to treat us the way we think we deserve to be treated".
All this happens for a reason, I am aware of it. But right now it keeps me from getting any sleep. Right now it fucking hurts. Right now I want to run away from the world and hide.
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/252253.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
