Well I know it's just a spring haze

My living room has been pretty much the same ever since I moved out of my parents house, 16 years ago. I loved the red wall, and the setup was one I still liked. But for a while, I wantd to change some things. I still had an unused desk downstairs for instance, that didn't really fit. So a few weeks ago I made a trip to Ikea and found things I liked.
Last week I took everything down, and repainted the wall. I still wanted it to be red, but it was a massive struggle. In the end the wall was painted 5 times, from red, to grey. And it's finally okay. Big change, from red, to grey, but it's actually quite nice. Yesterday my dad and I put everything together and I am quite pleased with how everything looks.

I was always of the assumption I always ran away from my fears, but with all the shit happening at work, I realise I actually face them, most of the time. I often keep quiet about a lot of things, but whenever something is really bothering me, I speak up. I want things to be resolved, I have to understand the why's and how's of things that have happened. It's fucking scary though, cause I'm always facing and fighting it alone, even though I have people who support me. It's still me who has to deal with everything.

I sent out an email to my boss and his wife (also my colleague) who I had my previous 2 talks with. I asked a lot of questions, about what certain things that were said were based on, why they fear confrontations so much and what I've ever done to let them believe that talking to me would result in something horrible.
I haven't heard back from them, but have to go to work tonight though. I know my intentions are good, I never try to hurt anyone. I know I'm in my right to ask these questions and get answers. I know. But it feels fucking scary though, cause it's me against the rest.

The *funny* thing is though, that I had a dream about this about a week ago, which I wrote an entry about. My boss' wife apparently also had a dream about it, in which I had called in some parents and children from school to also have a say in things and speak on my behalf, or something like that.

We'll see what will happen to tonight. I'm scared though, but that's because no matter what, I''ll always still doubt myself, even when it's totally uncalled for.

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Last entry was about saying goodbye to 2009. But this is also the end of the noughties. So this is another reflecting post.

The year 2000 marked an important period in my life and I seriously can't believe it has been 10 years. I remember that in January of that year I had asked for a talk with my teacher at college. Jenneke. It was on a Friday, after school. We talked for a good hour. About me, school, life in general. We connected on such a deep level, which at that time was so important for me. Cause I felt so lost then. After that first real talk, others followed. One of the most intense talks happened in April of that year. She had read my paper and gave me a 10, or A+ for it. Normally papers were discussed with students in about 15 minutes time, but she told me she wanted to talk to me on another date and time so we could talk without time restrictions. We ended up on a bench outside and talked for what seemed hours. Again, so special. And again, I can't believe it's been that many years.

She was a person that changed my life. She believed in me, but she also introduced me to philosophy. During the 2,5 years of college that followed we would often come together and talk, thinking and sharing really deep thoughts.

I remember that in 2001, after 9/11 we also went for a walk, and again, we connected on such a deep level. One of those moments I'll never forget.
In 2002 I graduated. She wrote me 3 stories, which made me cry. And we went for a final walk. She told me how happy she was she got to know me. Told me I was different from other students and people. When I told her she's helped me so much with my life and struggles, she told me I had helped her in so many ways as well.

I went to see her one other time in 2004, and that was the end of it. I sometimes read back in old journals and I always realize how lucky I was, and still am. I miss her, still, but also know that what once was, is no longer there anymore. We both needed each other at that time, and then it was time to move on.

2001 was the year of my first Tori concert. Which was so amazing! It wasn't until 2005 I first met her.

After I graduated, I wanted to travel first, before going to work. At that time I had joined the Sony Tori forum. There I met some other, wonderful people. One girl being Inge, who happened to live in The Netherlands as well. We met in August of that year and she was the one that told me to go to Ireland. Which is what I did on September 1st of that year. I went there for 3 months. I had saved enough money to just travel around, on my own. Even though I was homesick a lot there, they were the best 3 months of my life. I really got in touch with myself there. And I'm still so happy I decided to travel first before starting a job.

In 2003 I moved out of my parents house to live on my own in an apartment. The first few months were a struggle. I missed my old house, old bedroom, old habits. But then all of a sudden the apartment became my home. I cherish warm memories of that place.

In 2006 I moved into the house I live in now. I was looking forward to it loads, but when I finally moved into the house, all the joy was gone. I got into a serious depression. I had no idea how I would ever feel happy again. I was anxious all the time. I couldn't enjoy anything anymore, didn't want to spend any time at home cause it didn't feel like home. Mostly due to a neighbor who had serious issues: always playing loud music, but also just being surrounded by a negative aura.
When he moved at the end of 2006, I slowly became myself again. My house slowly started to feel like home, but it wasn't till half way through 2007 I finally felt home in my house.

In 2008 I found myself stuck in life. But it wasn't till this year until I really found myself back again.

All in all the last 10 years have been wonderful and intense. And loads of other things happened, good things, bad things. But all things that helped me become the person I am now. And it's interesting to look back on the last 10 years. And despite the bad things that happened, I'm happy to have been able to experience these 10 years. And I'm curious what the next 10 years will bring!