Well I know it's just a spring haze

...and then I'll have my life back for a week. Working fulltime is going alright, but I miss me-time. I miss the quiet, the freedom, the long weekends. I have to be on all the time, and I feel that I get lost, I'm not as in touch with myself as I used to be. I understand now how people see their job as an escape, because you have to focus on only just that, but it's not for me. I am someone who enjoys the little things the most: the skies, sunshine, staring into the distance, doing nothing etc...I miss that now. Weekends are too short to really get back to that, I haven't read a book in weeks, which sucks, but I just can't even focus on anything much, except watching TV or surf the web. My world feels very limited: it's work, work, work now. Even when it's weekend, it's still in my head and I need time to adjust from it all and by the time I do that, I have to get ready for work again.

I don't want to sound like a debby downer here, because this is just an experience and it doesn't have to be till forever, but I just had no idea what an impact this would have on my life. I just realize that teaching, or any job I think, won't give the life fulfillment pleasure other people get from it. I am really happiest when I am outside, in nature having all the freedom in the world. That is what really defines me. That's when I feel most alive. And right now, having worked 6 weeks fulltime, I feel detached from myself and it's not a nice feeling.

Three more weeks though, and then it's Autumn break.

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I managed to survive the first week of working and teaching full time. It was intense, I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of cocoon that limits my world a lot. The teaching wasn't bad, it was nice. It was also nice to own my own classroom, know that everything I do will be (mostly) for me. But I made long days and it is just overwhelming. A part of me is enjoying herself, another part of me just feels trapped.
This week also didn't seem to ever end, it was one of the longest weeks of my life.

Of course this is something I need to get adjusted to. The first week of school is always more stressful too, because of new things, a new rhythm etc...But I am still not too sure about all of this. I just need to do this for a bit longer I guess. But the weekends already feel short and not long enough to adjust. I currently don't even have a life outside of my work because I am just so tired and when I get home all I can do is watch silly TV shows.

It's still alright I do this though, it's helping me to know myself better as a person and teacher, I see how it will help me to get stronger and understand my capabilities better. But I'm still not sure I would be able to do this for more than a year, but also doubt I could go back to sharing a class with someone else. We will see.

Right now I need to get out of the house and breathe in something else to get school out of my head. And then get my house clean again, do my laundry etc...and hopefully also enjoy a nice, quiet Sunday before another long week will start.

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I just got back from the children coaching weekend. I'm overwhelmed. It was extremely intense. Group contained 12 people, which was actually quite big, because we were in a not too big room. Not too small either, just not big. When I arrived by bus, I happened to be in the bus with someone else who wanted to take the course, so that was nice. Meeting the rest of the group inside was, once again, overwhelming. I didn't think it would be this overwhelming, but it completely shut me down. Some people were extremely loud, others were a bit more quiet. Some people already knew each other (they signed up together) which I something I find even more difficult to handle because how do you fit in with that?

Anyway...I did learn I really need a long, long time to open up and be comfortable enough to just be me...or...no...to be more talkative. There were some people I connected with a bit, but all in all it was all so overwhelming that at one point I think I completely blocked.

The information we got was a lot. Good, welcome information, but a lot. Which also blocked me at one point. I couldn't take in any more new information.
The first day we got information about really basic, historic stuff about the development of children etc...Interesting, but also things I did know.
What I didn't know was that by the time you are born, 90% of who you are, your character etc...is already what it is. Nature over nurture. The other 10% is something that will change through the years.

Today we talked about the importance of family. Something I learned when I visited Emil a couple of times, but this time we went deeper inside the material. Really, really interesting. Family guilt is something we all deal with, generation by generation. There's even city guilt, country guilt etc...Today was a day I enjoyed a lot more because it was something that really interests me and I want to learn more about.

Anyway...I think I can say it was a good weekend. I'm just a bit disappointed with myself though I guess, for not really being able to just be me. I just didn't know how to handle all the impressions that came through all at once. That's okay, really, but yeah...a big part of me is still busy trying to please others. I still don't want to be remembered as the quiet girl who no one got through. Then again...I have my opinions about all of them as well.

But yes...I'm so overwhelmed now. I got home and I nearly cried. Felt like I had been away for like forever, but it was only for 1 night. Time doesn't make sense right now, it doesn't feel like a Saturday and right now I mostly feel completely lost somehow.
It's been long I've been this overwhelmed and overstimulated.

But I've got 2 weeks to think it all through again. Am looking forward to the next weekend, though hope it won't be as intense as this weekend.