prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear  -journey)
It's been a while since my last entry. Since that time, chemo has been postponed twice, but last Friday I got a green light. It did mean letting go of one of the chemo's, because my oncologist didn't want my body to suffer any more than it did. It feels a bit like cheating now, even though it's not. But yeah..that's just my mind playing tricks.

And so then more than 6 months have passed since I first got diagnosed. In the beginning it was all scary mostly, and intense. And the early stages of chemo were awful as well. But I've adjusted to it, embraced the cancer. It's a big part of my life, of me, and it's somehow giving me comfort. Yes, it's still scary, but my life is quite simple at the moment. I go from day to day, appointment to appointment. It's actually quite nice to have people surrounding you that try to fix and heal you. The hospital has become a new home, a safe place even, where I don't mind spending time. In fact, when I'm away from there for too long, I feel restless. How weird is that? Is that some kind of survival mechanism? I have no idea, but the fact that chemo treatment is slowly coming to an end, is actually freaking me out a little. For so long, the end was never near, I was in this constant bubble, I adjusted to it, embraced it. And now all of a sudden progress is being made and I don't know how to deal with that. Maybe it's because my life is so fragile right now, that I try to hold on to anything that's giving me a sense of safety, or normalcy. I have no idea. But it causes an emotional rollercoaster for sure.
prettygoodyear: (random text - anti social)
...and then I'll have my life back for a week. Working fulltime is going alright, but I miss me-time. I miss the quiet, the freedom, the long weekends. I have to be on all the time, and I feel that I get lost, I'm not as in touch with myself as I used to be. I understand now how people see their job as an escape, because you have to focus on only just that, but it's not for me. I am someone who enjoys the little things the most: the skies, sunshine, staring into the distance, doing nothing etc...I miss that now. Weekends are too short to really get back to that, I haven't read a book in weeks, which sucks, but I just can't even focus on anything much, except watching TV or surf the web. My world feels very limited: it's work, work, work now. Even when it's weekend, it's still in my head and I need time to adjust from it all and by the time I do that, I have to get ready for work again.

I don't want to sound like a debby downer here, because this is just an experience and it doesn't have to be till forever, but I just had no idea what an impact this would have on my life. I just realize that teaching, or any job I think, won't give the life fulfillment pleasure other people get from it. I am really happiest when I am outside, in nature having all the freedom in the world. That is what really defines me. That's when I feel most alive. And right now, having worked 6 weeks fulltime, I feel detached from myself and it's not a nice feeling.

Three more weeks though, and then it's Autumn break.

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prettygoodyear: (random text - farewell)
...I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost...

I find it difficult to deal with changes. I need time to adjust to new situations/people/whatever. I can get really emotional when things change and I don't have any control or power over that. Letting go of things is another thing I am not good at. I enjoy my comfy, safe bubble, as uncomfortable and unsafe it might feel sometimes. At least I know what I have. Because not knowing what I might get is scary. And then there's the saying goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye and let go. Because it means another chapter closes, another era of my life is being put away, for good (or that's how it feels). And, like I said before, a kind of safeness is leaving my life.

Anyway...14 years ago I was still a student. I was assigned to do this trainee teacher thing at a school close to my home. I rang them up and introduced myself and asked if I could come visit them that week to meet. I was getting a warm welcome once I arrived and while new things make me nervous, I felt at ease at that school. I ended up getting a job there and 14 years on still work there. With ups and downs, for sure. But it's a one-of-a-kind school. A lot of people have worked there for (almost) 40 years. It's a very close, tight group of people who care for each other. Sometimes it's difficult dealing with those who have been there so long, because they are so used to doing things in a certain way. But it says a lot when people work together for so many years.

To get to a point: last night my boss told everyone that this coming January, he will retire. And so will his wife, who is also working at my school. And while we had our differences, while I wanted to strangle them from time to time, they are a huge part of this school. I feel comfortable around them, it's a safeness. When they are gone, it will leave a gap. It's scary as well, because it can change a whole vibe. New people will arrive and will that work out? Will they fit in? Will they manage to maintain that vibe? Will I be able to feel safe and secure enough around them?

I mentioned earlier that I was thinking that this might be my final year at this school. I always felt like I would leave before anyone else, mostly because at least that way I would be in control of things. And then this happens...Of course change can be good and eventually something good will come from this. I just need my time to adjust, being the HSP that I am. It's a big change and like I said, I don't do so well with that...

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prettygoodyear: (random text - EEEK!)
I managed to survive the first week of working and teaching full time. It was intense, I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of cocoon that limits my world a lot. The teaching wasn't bad, it was nice. It was also nice to own my own classroom, know that everything I do will be (mostly) for me. But I made long days and it is just overwhelming. A part of me is enjoying herself, another part of me just feels trapped.
This week also didn't seem to ever end, it was one of the longest weeks of my life.

Of course this is something I need to get adjusted to. The first week of school is always more stressful too, because of new things, a new rhythm etc...But I am still not too sure about all of this. I just need to do this for a bit longer I guess. But the weekends already feel short and not long enough to adjust. I currently don't even have a life outside of my work because I am just so tired and when I get home all I can do is watch silly TV shows.

It's still alright I do this though, it's helping me to know myself better as a person and teacher, I see how it will help me to get stronger and understand my capabilities better. But I'm still not sure I would be able to do this for more than a year, but also doubt I could go back to sharing a class with someone else. We will see.

Right now I need to get out of the house and breathe in something else to get school out of my head. And then get my house clean again, do my laundry etc...and hopefully also enjoy a nice, quiet Sunday before another long week will start.

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prettygoodyear: (Default)
Last week wasn't my week. On wednesday I had another talk with my boss and his wife. They were not amused at first and thought my words were one big misunderstanding and quite harsh. In the end I managed to explain to them why I had done what I had done in the way I did. That communication at our school sucks big time. That assumptions are alright as long as you talk about them and not keep them to yourself, or share them with everyone except the person it's about. It was an okay talk, but emotionally draining since they lack so much empathy. They are nice people, but they never explore their feelings more than they feel is necessary and if someone else does, they have no idea how to handle it.

Anyway…when I arrived home later that afternoon, I got a panic call from my school board. Way back in August last year I got this official complaint from a parent. Apparently I was the devil to her daughter etc…etc…After a long 6 months she decided to not drop the complaint. It meant I had to write a statement, which I did and had to correct a couple of times. All was sent to the school's lawyer last month. We were under the assumption that everything would be handled by mail. But the panic call was to inform me that I had to go to Utrecht the next morning, together with my boss, because there would be a hearing. Yeah. We both didn't know it, and I was totally unprepared. Which I hate. I knew I had done nothing wrong and was in my right, but still….a hearing is official.

The hearing took an hour and went okay as far as hearings can go (this was my first one). It was emotional draining though, apparently. We won't know what the outcome will be, we have to wait a maximum of 4 weeks before it will arrive by mail.

All those things drained me, emotionally. Yesterday I had a wedding of my best friend, and it was lovely. But oh god, by the end of the day all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep for days. Luckily it's the weekend now and I have nothing planned. I also hope this hearing was the last incident I have to deal with for a long time. I could do with some quiet time now.

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prettygoodyear: (Ireland - Torc mountain)

Two days ago I arrived in Ireland. Had been looking forward to it for weeks. Upon arrival things felt a bit off, but I was also just tired. I think I somehow had sensed what would happen. Yesterday my niece was born. It had always been a possibility, just never thought she'd arrive 2 weeks early. I tried to enjoy my holiday but couldn't. I didn't enjoy myself at all and really just wanted to see my niece and sister. I woke up at 6.15 this morning panicking. Decided to see if I could take a plane home today i could. So here I am at the airport. I feel completely and utterly weird and not really in my body. But I'll see Madelief tomorrow. After that we'll see how i'll feel. Never in a million years did I think this would happen, I never looked forward to a holiday as much as I did this time.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

prettygoodyear: (random text- clean all the things)
Tomorrow is the final training day. Right now I'm not even remotely looking forward to it cause I AM TIRED. Will have only Sunday to myself, then it's work for a full 5 days next week. Colleague I work with had a mental breakdown and I offered to teach our class full time. But it's a busy week next week. With report meetings on Tuesday evening and then on Friday night a 3 hour class party. At least then I'll have a week off, but still...My house is a MESS. I so need to clean so much of it and I asked my sister to stay over for the night next weekend but when will I be able to clean all the things? Yikes, yikes!

Teaching my own class full time is nice though. No stress about other classes, just my own thing in my own class. Stressful too, but also relaxing a big, big way.

Still looking forward to that holiday though. Need my sleep back!
prettygoodyear: (random text - anti social)
I just got back from the children coaching weekend. I'm overwhelmed. It was extremely intense. Group contained 12 people, which was actually quite big, because we were in a not too big room. Not too small either, just not big. When I arrived by bus, I happened to be in the bus with someone else who wanted to take the course, so that was nice. Meeting the rest of the group inside was, once again, overwhelming. I didn't think it would be this overwhelming, but it completely shut me down. Some people were extremely loud, others were a bit more quiet. Some people already knew each other (they signed up together) which I something I find even more difficult to handle because how do you fit in with that?

Anyway...I did learn I really need a long, long time to open up and be comfortable enough to just be me...or...no...to be more talkative. There were some people I connected with a bit, but all in all it was all so overwhelming that at one point I think I completely blocked.

The information we got was a lot. Good, welcome information, but a lot. Which also blocked me at one point. I couldn't take in any more new information.
The first day we got information about really basic, historic stuff about the development of children etc...Interesting, but also things I did know.
What I didn't know was that by the time you are born, 90% of who you are, your character etc...is already what it is. Nature over nurture. The other 10% is something that will change through the years.

Today we talked about the importance of family. Something I learned when I visited Emil a couple of times, but this time we went deeper inside the material. Really, really interesting. Family guilt is something we all deal with, generation by generation. There's even city guilt, country guilt etc...Today was a day I enjoyed a lot more because it was something that really interests me and I want to learn more about.

Anyway...I think I can say it was a good weekend. I'm just a bit disappointed with myself though I guess, for not really being able to just be me. I just didn't know how to handle all the impressions that came through all at once. That's okay, really, but yeah...a big part of me is still busy trying to please others. I still don't want to be remembered as the quiet girl who no one got through. Then again...I have my opinions about all of them as well.

But yes...I'm so overwhelmed now. I got home and I nearly cried. Felt like I had been away for like forever, but it was only for 1 night. Time doesn't make sense right now, it doesn't feel like a Saturday and right now I mostly feel completely lost somehow.
It's been long I've been this overwhelmed and overstimulated.

But I've got 2 weeks to think it all through again. Am looking forward to the next weekend, though hope it won't be as intense as this weekend.
prettygoodyear: (Default)

December 2019

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