Well I know it's just a spring haze

 Last weekend I spent with the family in the south. We had absolutely wonderful, warm, sunny weather (opposite to a week before, where I was still wearing my winter coat, gloves and scarf). It was wonderful, relaxed and just blissful. 

And tomorrow I'll get surgery. My first real surgery, and it's scary as fuck. Spent the entire day in the hospital today, in preparation for surgery tomorrow, and it all didn't go as it was supposed to. Radio active fluid that was supposed to light up the glands in touch with the tumor, didn't work and so had to massage the breast which resulted in lots of tears, freaking out, etc...Hadn't touched the breast for weeks, ever since finding out it was cancer. So this was a thing, really. 

Surgery tomorrow and I still can't believe it's really happening. I don't feel ill, I'm not in pain, why do I need surgery? I know why, but it's so surreal. So freaking nervous about it as well. 

Some pics from last weekend then:

 Last Friday I got another echo, and then another. Because something else was visible, slightly, but it was there in my armpit. They did a biopsy. And then another because the first one didn't go well. They also injected me with a radioactive seed, to mark the tumor in my breast. If the spot they found in my armpit is faulty as well, they need to inject another radioactive seed there as well. 

When we got to the nurse later that day, she could only tell me that she basically couldn't tell me anything yet. Because of the biopsies of that day, she couldn't tell me what treatment I'll get, but she could tell me that treatment will most likely start at the end of this coming week. 

After we left, I broke down: tests upon tests upon tests, for 4 weeks now and nothing else got done. The cancer most likely not only in my breast, but now also in my armpit. The notion that all this is real, that my life might as well never ever be the same as it was, if not for the fact that the trust in my own body is completely shattered. These past 4 weeks I cried, small bits, but this was the first big cry. 

This Monday I'll hopefully get all the results and info I need. Then on Tuesday I'll go look for a wig with a friend/colleague. And then Thursday/Friday shit will get real. 

Good god I'm so fucking scared!
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 Another week has passed. A week in which I got to decide which road to take in order to get better, and also learned what kind of cancer I have to beat. Apparently my cancer is hormone based and also HER2-positive. Which isn't as positive as it sounds, because it means the tumor grows kinda fast and can metastasis (sp?). So far there are no signs the cancer has spread to anywhere, but yeah, prognoses for this kind of cancer aren't as positive as other types. Which is kind of a shock, because not only do I go from being healthy and well, to having cancer, to having bad cancer.

Lucky for me there's currently a study in my country with chemo and immuno therapy combined at the beginning. I fit the profile for this study and was asked to take part in it. It means I have to travel further to get treatment, but in The Netherlands, further still means less than an hour away. It also means I am being watched and observed even better and get better treatment that hopefully will cure me completely. So I've decided to take part in it. Before I can do so, all sorts of tests need to happen first, to see if I'm healthy enough to take part in it.

It's going to take a while before I can leave everything behind, but that's just how it is. It's still surreal most of the time, it still hasn't sunk in that I have cancer, that I am now a part of that group, that there is a chance I won't get cured. I try not to think about that too often and just try to remain positive, but it is just slowly sinking in.

Next year there will be no class to teach, there will only be this cancer treatment. My main focus this upcoming school year is to get better and well again. I've often wished to not have to worry about my job for a while, but yeah, not in this way though.

I still like to think this is all happening so that I can completely change my life, learn a lot from it and start over. Hopefully a year from now I'll be clean and well again. And hopefully this cancer won't be caused by some faulty DNA, because I think it's enough as it is. But I won't know that till about 6 months from now.



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Monday morning marked the beginning of a new working year. As stated previously, I didn't look forward to it. In fact, anxiety was extremely present. It's not a new feeling, because I experience it always: after a weekend, after a holiday, always. It all started back in college, whenever I had to do training periods. Before that, just going to school, I never felt any anxiety of returning back to school, mostly even looked forward to it. But ever since college and the training periods, I experience anxiety.

For the longest time I wondered why, because once I'm back at work it's never as bad as I had pictured it in my head, I mostly even enjoy myself. So what is it? I think I figured it out: getting back into the working life means I have to proof myself, there are things expected from me, things I'm not sure I can live up to. I always fear that I let people down, that I don't perform as well as I should. Holidays and weekends are safe: I don't have to constantly live up to these expectations, I can just 'be'. I am not a perfectionist, or at least not 100% one, because I can say 'enough is enough', but in my head things are never good enough. I am not good enough. Making mistakes is the most horrible crime I could ever commit. I don't just experience this with my current job, but also when I have to take courses, when I took a drivers lesson etc...etc...

Anyway...this year I have my own class full time, with is an extra pressure, because what if they don't make as much as progress as they should, what if I don't do as well as I should, what if I can't handle teaching full time, etc...etc...

When I walked into the building this monday I was ready to cry, because I feared everything so much. But as the week went by, I started to enjoy myself more. Having my own class is wonderful, for instance. I can do whatever I want however I want without someone else telling me they don't like it. It felt nice. But yeah, that was a week without any children and parents. This monday I'll start, for real. And the anxiety is back. What if I don't make everyone feels at home? Are the things I prepared for the first day good enough? Will I be good enough? What if I let people down, forget things, make mistakes, etc...?

At least I am aware of it now, but I wish I could shake it off and not care so fucking much about these things. I wish I could be okay with making mistakes, because I will make them.

One day, maybe one day...

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1. Thinking someone else is more important than me and thus take a step back/adjust.

2. Making someone else's problem, my problem, because see #1.

3. Feeling negative about myself. I almost constantly think people will look at me and think "Jesus fuck, who does she think she is? Loser!". Just last night 2 of my cousins were visiting my parents. I hadn't seen them in forever and my parents invited me over for coffee so we could meet. These were my thoughts: "I am fat and they will notice and they will think less of me" "I am still single and thus a forever loser." "I am failing at life" "They will wonder why the hell I'm there and think I'm a loser" "I have no interesting life" "I look weird" "I didn't say the right things" etc...etc...

It's funny because the eldest of 2 cousins, who is a few years younger than me and who I look up to a lot etc...was actually saying the same things. She's never happy with herself, always doubting herself, never thinks high of herself etc...We seem to have a lot in common and yet I still think: "I should not bother her with a visit because she's just trying to be polite and say she'd love to, but she doesn't and why should she because who the fuck am I?!" I never want to bother people, also see #1 and 2.

Yeah...

4. Doubting myself and my abilities ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Like, see #1 and 3. Stop it already, sheesh!

5. Worrying, creating demons out of everything. It's not helpful, at all, I never gained anything positive from it, like EVER and just STOP!

6. Hiding and keeping quiet, see point 1 -5.

7. Eating bad foods, overeating. The extra weight I carry with me is not helpful, because see #3 and 4 . It's like this vicious cycle I am in.

8. Being so hard on myself, see #7.

9. Focusing on the bad things.


I really find it amazing how I make it so hard for myself all the time. Why do I think other people are more important than me, why do I think I deserve bad thoughts and things? I have learned, a lot, the past couple of years. But I am someone who longs for freedom, and this is one of the most important things I want to be freed of: my demons. Just be. Being able to see that I am a good person, that I have good qualities. And why do I find it so difficult/scary to just DO it? Why do I cherish the pain/hurt/anxiety so much?

One day, maybe one day.

At least today was a good day: spent a lovely day with my mom and it was the first time in like forever it was this calm and nice. ♥︎

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I was always of the assumption I always ran away from my fears, but with all the shit happening at work, I realise I actually face them, most of the time. I often keep quiet about a lot of things, but whenever something is really bothering me, I speak up. I want things to be resolved, I have to understand the why's and how's of things that have happened. It's fucking scary though, cause I'm always facing and fighting it alone, even though I have people who support me. It's still me who has to deal with everything.

I sent out an email to my boss and his wife (also my colleague) who I had my previous 2 talks with. I asked a lot of questions, about what certain things that were said were based on, why they fear confrontations so much and what I've ever done to let them believe that talking to me would result in something horrible.
I haven't heard back from them, but have to go to work tonight though. I know my intentions are good, I never try to hurt anyone. I know I'm in my right to ask these questions and get answers. I know. But it feels fucking scary though, cause it's me against the rest.

The *funny* thing is though, that I had a dream about this about a week ago, which I wrote an entry about. My boss' wife apparently also had a dream about it, in which I had called in some parents and children from school to also have a say in things and speak on my behalf, or something like that.

We'll see what will happen to tonight. I'm scared though, but that's because no matter what, I''ll always still doubt myself, even when it's totally uncalled for.

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It would be nice if I would be able to be just okay with myself. Not always get so upset with myself, or angry. Not always notice everything I do wrong, or could have done differently, but compliment myself. Not constantly judge myself. Be proud of myself. Happy with myself. If even I can't love myself, then who will? 

What makes it so much harder is that I often have no clue whatsoever what really defines me and that when I try to figure it out, there are millions of voices inside my head all saying something else, all trying to be heard. Maybe acceptance of myself is the first step? No matter what happens, allow it to happen, be okay with it and not reflect on it too much in a negative way? I really want to be okay with myself, no matter what. I think it would make my life so much more pleasant. 

Had a study day yesterday. Or...study afternoon actually. I usually loathe them, but this time the workshops they had organized were interesting. Went to a workshop called Kids Skills. Interesting really. About how you can help children who have a problem, or aren't really good at something, to reach there goal in a positive, stimulating way. Second workshop was about how to communicate with children. That kinda hit home. Was really sad it only lasted for an hour, cause the things that were said were really interesting and made me realize that's something I want to develop more. So the children coaching stuff should be a good choice.

Anyway...yeah...that second workshop hit me hard. Because I realized, once more, how I lack any self esteem and how I so often think such negative, depressing thoughts. I always bring myself down. There were people there who talked from experience, and they all just sounded confident: they believed what they did was the right thing etc...I always, always doubt myself. I always find myself worthless, not really good at anything. That's just locked away within me so deeply that it sort of became my lifestyle: I don't even know how to do it any other way. Kinda sad really.

All those sessions with Emil helped me a lot, but this is such a major issue. Because I hide my true self from the world, but also from myself. I still don't take in my space and that hit me hard.

So then today I sent out an application email to take part in the children coaching course. I had some doubts where to go, but in the end decided to follow my guts. I just hit the send button before I could change my mind. I almost instantly got an email back saying they had a spot free for me and if maybe I also could call her so she could just get a first impression. I did that right away as well and she sounded amazing. Soft voice, calm and just...friendly. And I knew it was the right decision to make! Now to tell my boss though, since he's still under the impression I wait another extra year! But this course is loads cheaper, so he'll be okay with it I'm sure!

And then I also decided to just go and hit another button: I applied for my first driving lesson! Haven't heard back from that yet, but OMG I just went out and do it! I might just be taking driving lessons. I might just get my drivers license this year! So scary, but something I need to do. Want to do even, just...I hate it takes so long, requires so many lessons and exams. But anyway...another step forward! Two steps even today! Woohoo!

I can't believe there's only just one more episode, a long, long one, left. It can't end. It shouldn't end. Fuck.

Also fuck was that I was supposed to have a performance interview at work today. Which I was more than nervous about. Because I'd be brave and ask for money to help me fund this course I want to take. My boss was sick, with some arm injury whatever it was. Which sucked. New appointment need to be made, more stress and waiting. But it's giving me more and more confidence though. I need to do this. No matter what.