prettygoodyear: (random text - EEEK!)
 Last weekend I spent with the family in the south. We had absolutely wonderful, warm, sunny weather (opposite to a week before, where I was still wearing my winter coat, gloves and scarf). It was wonderful, relaxed and just blissful. 

And tomorrow I'll get surgery. My first real surgery, and it's scary as fuck. Spent the entire day in the hospital today, in preparation for surgery tomorrow, and it all didn't go as it was supposed to. Radio active fluid that was supposed to light up the glands in touch with the tumor, didn't work and so had to massage the breast which resulted in lots of tears, freaking out, etc...Hadn't touched the breast for weeks, ever since finding out it was cancer. So this was a thing, really. 

Surgery tomorrow and I still can't believe it's really happening. I don't feel ill, I'm not in pain, why do I need surgery? I know why, but it's so surreal. So freaking nervous about it as well. 

Some pics from last weekend then:
















prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear  -journey)
It's been a while since my last entry. Since that time, chemo has been postponed twice, but last Friday I got a green light. It did mean letting go of one of the chemo's, because my oncologist didn't want my body to suffer any more than it did. It feels a bit like cheating now, even though it's not. But yeah..that's just my mind playing tricks.

And so then more than 6 months have passed since I first got diagnosed. In the beginning it was all scary mostly, and intense. And the early stages of chemo were awful as well. But I've adjusted to it, embraced the cancer. It's a big part of my life, of me, and it's somehow giving me comfort. Yes, it's still scary, but my life is quite simple at the moment. I go from day to day, appointment to appointment. It's actually quite nice to have people surrounding you that try to fix and heal you. The hospital has become a new home, a safe place even, where I don't mind spending time. In fact, when I'm away from there for too long, I feel restless. How weird is that? Is that some kind of survival mechanism? I have no idea, but the fact that chemo treatment is slowly coming to an end, is actually freaking me out a little. For so long, the end was never near, I was in this constant bubble, I adjusted to it, embraced it. And now all of a sudden progress is being made and I don't know how to deal with that. Maybe it's because my life is so fragile right now, that I try to hold on to anything that's giving me a sense of safety, or normalcy. I have no idea. But it causes an emotional rollercoaster for sure.
prettygoodyear: (emotions - shut up!)
 Last Friday I got another echo, and then another. Because something else was visible, slightly, but it was there in my armpit. They did a biopsy. And then another because the first one didn't go well. They also injected me with a radioactive seed, to mark the tumor in my breast. If the spot they found in my armpit is faulty as well, they need to inject another radioactive seed there as well. 

When we got to the nurse later that day, she could only tell me that she basically couldn't tell me anything yet. Because of the biopsies of that day, she couldn't tell me what treatment I'll get, but she could tell me that treatment will most likely start at the end of this coming week. 

After we left, I broke down: tests upon tests upon tests, for 4 weeks now and nothing else got done. The cancer most likely not only in my breast, but now also in my armpit. The notion that all this is real, that my life might as well never ever be the same as it was, if not for the fact that the trust in my own body is completely shattered. These past 4 weeks I cried, small bits, but this was the first big cry. 

This Monday I'll hopefully get all the results and info I need. Then on Tuesday I'll go look for a wig with a friend/colleague. And then Thursday/Friday shit will get real. 

Good god I'm so fucking scared!
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prettygoodyear: (Tori - 6:58-2)
Yesterday I had my PET/CT scan and today I would get all results. And by all, I mean also the results from last week's MRI etc...
The appointment got delayed by 15 minutes and eventually the stress got the better of me. When we entered the oncologists office, I broke down and cried. Luckily he understand and told me that "everything looks good so far!"

PET-scan looked clean, which is good. Heart pump function was working well as well and so I could take part in the TRAIN-2 study. However, the MRI did show something in one of my lymph nodes and so tomorrow more tests are required. Which means I still don't know when treatment will start and what the treatment will be like. 

Four weeks on and still no real progress and it got the better of me. This is so overwhelming and tiring and good god this is only the beginning. This is all so scary, the unknown, the treatment, everything. If I could fast-forward time to the day I am 100% clean, i'd do it in a heartbeat. 
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prettygoodyear: (random text - purpose opinion)
 Another week has passed. A week in which I got to decide which road to take in order to get better, and also learned what kind of cancer I have to beat. Apparently my cancer is hormone based and also HER2-positive. Which isn't as positive as it sounds, because it means the tumor grows kinda fast and can metastasis (sp?). So far there are no signs the cancer has spread to anywhere, but yeah, prognoses for this kind of cancer aren't as positive as other types. Which is kind of a shock, because not only do I go from being healthy and well, to having cancer, to having bad cancer.

Lucky for me there's currently a study in my country with chemo and immuno therapy combined at the beginning. I fit the profile for this study and was asked to take part in it. It means I have to travel further to get treatment, but in The Netherlands, further still means less than an hour away. It also means I am being watched and observed even better and get better treatment that hopefully will cure me completely. So I've decided to take part in it. Before I can do so, all sorts of tests need to happen first, to see if I'm healthy enough to take part in it.

It's going to take a while before I can leave everything behind, but that's just how it is. It's still surreal most of the time, it still hasn't sunk in that I have cancer, that I am now a part of that group, that there is a chance I won't get cured. I try not to think about that too often and just try to remain positive, but it is just slowly sinking in.

Next year there will be no class to teach, there will only be this cancer treatment. My main focus this upcoming school year is to get better and well again. I've often wished to not have to worry about my job for a while, but yeah, not in this way though.

I still like to think this is all happening so that I can completely change my life, learn a lot from it and start over. Hopefully a year from now I'll be clean and well again. And hopefully this cancer won't be caused by some faulty DNA, because I think it's enough as it is. But I won't know that till about 6 months from now.



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prettygoodyear: (random - dreadful)
 So breast cancer it is. Holy fuck and shit and goddamn! I still can't believe it's real and it freaks me out so much! I know lots of women have dealt with this and I will deal with it as well, but it's slowly sinking in and becoming more real. Will need to be operated, get chemo, etc...They have no idea what kind of cancer it is, what caused it etc...It looks promising enough and I will hear soon enough.

Right now I wish I could run away from it all, or open my eyes en realise it's been all a bad, bad dream. Ireland is not happening this year, work won't happen either for a while. I will survive, I'll get out of this even stronger than before and at least I know how close we are as a family.

I need another good cry and then a good night of sleep as well. But fuck!



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prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear  -journey)
Monday morning marked the beginning of a new working year. As stated previously, I didn't look forward to it. In fact, anxiety was extremely present. It's not a new feeling, because I experience it always: after a weekend, after a holiday, always. It all started back in college, whenever I had to do training periods. Before that, just going to school, I never felt any anxiety of returning back to school, mostly even looked forward to it. But ever since college and the training periods, I experience anxiety.

For the longest time I wondered why, because once I'm back at work it's never as bad as I had pictured it in my head, I mostly even enjoy myself. So what is it? I think I figured it out: getting back into the working life means I have to proof myself, there are things expected from me, things I'm not sure I can live up to. I always fear that I let people down, that I don't perform as well as I should. Holidays and weekends are safe: I don't have to constantly live up to these expectations, I can just 'be'. I am not a perfectionist, or at least not 100% one, because I can say 'enough is enough', but in my head things are never good enough. I am not good enough. Making mistakes is the most horrible crime I could ever commit. I don't just experience this with my current job, but also when I have to take courses, when I took a drivers lesson etc...etc...

Anyway...this year I have my own class full time, with is an extra pressure, because what if they don't make as much as progress as they should, what if I don't do as well as I should, what if I can't handle teaching full time, etc...etc...

When I walked into the building this monday I was ready to cry, because I feared everything so much. But as the week went by, I started to enjoy myself more. Having my own class is wonderful, for instance. I can do whatever I want however I want without someone else telling me they don't like it. It felt nice. But yeah, that was a week without any children and parents. This monday I'll start, for real. And the anxiety is back. What if I don't make everyone feels at home? Are the things I prepared for the first day good enough? Will I be good enough? What if I let people down, forget things, make mistakes, etc...?

At least I am aware of it now, but I wish I could shake it off and not care so fucking much about these things. I wish I could be okay with making mistakes, because I will make them.

One day, maybe one day...

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prettygoodyear: (Default)
 Five weeks ago I was enjoying the first day of a 5 week holiday. Tomorrow will mark the end of it again, sadly. On Monday I'll prepare my classroom for a new school year, write lesson plans etc...and that will continue on Tuesday and Wednesday as well (hopefully I'll be able to keep Thursday and Friday free)

I have so much anxiety over it, a whole year of working full time. What if I can't do it? What if I fail? What if I turn out to be this horrible teacher who does it all wrong? How will I survive working 5 days a week? How will I manage everything else? I try myself that this isn't till forever, but even a school year sounds too long right now. And I now I make everything bigger inside my head and that it's useless because I don't gain anything from it, but stress and anxiety. 

I just wish what my purpose in life really is. I wish I could do something that I really love and feel that I am good at. But I am, sadly, also this person who finds it very difficult to think she's really good at anything. I really wish I could truly believe in myself, even this year and just say 'fuck it' to everyone else. I need to remind myself every day, every hour that what other people do, isn't necessary the only right way of doing it. But oh god, that's something I find so hard. When out of 30 people, 29 tell you that what you do is not really okay, how do you keep on believing it is? 

Sigh...this year I want to get rid of all the doubts and insecurity so much. And also maybe make this year my final year as a teacher. Although that is fucking scary as well, because then what? 

Well, first I need to just enter this year and see what comes of it. And if I really can't manage it, then maybe it is really time to just stop.

(But man, I already miss this holiday so much: the amazing weather, the freedom, THE FREEDOM!) 
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prettygoodyear: (Default)
1. Thinking someone else is more important than me and thus take a step back/adjust.

2. Making someone else's problem, my problem, because see #1.

3. Feeling negative about myself. I almost constantly think people will look at me and think "Jesus fuck, who does she think she is? Loser!". Just last night 2 of my cousins were visiting my parents. I hadn't seen them in forever and my parents invited me over for coffee so we could meet. These were my thoughts: "I am fat and they will notice and they will think less of me" "I am still single and thus a forever loser." "I am failing at life" "They will wonder why the hell I'm there and think I'm a loser" "I have no interesting life" "I look weird" "I didn't say the right things" etc...etc...

It's funny because the eldest of 2 cousins, who is a few years younger than me and who I look up to a lot etc...was actually saying the same things. She's never happy with herself, always doubting herself, never thinks high of herself etc...We seem to have a lot in common and yet I still think: "I should not bother her with a visit because she's just trying to be polite and say she'd love to, but she doesn't and why should she because who the fuck am I?!" I never want to bother people, also see #1 and 2.

Yeah...

4. Doubting myself and my abilities ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Like, see #1 and 3. Stop it already, sheesh!

5. Worrying, creating demons out of everything. It's not helpful, at all, I never gained anything positive from it, like EVER and just STOP!

6. Hiding and keeping quiet, see point 1 -5.

7. Eating bad foods, overeating. The extra weight I carry with me is not helpful, because see #3 and 4 . It's like this vicious cycle I am in.

8. Being so hard on myself, see #7.

9. Focusing on the bad things.


I really find it amazing how I make it so hard for myself all the time. Why do I think other people are more important than me, why do I think I deserve bad thoughts and things? I have learned, a lot, the past couple of years. But I am someone who longs for freedom, and this is one of the most important things I want to be freed of: my demons. Just be. Being able to see that I am a good person, that I have good qualities. And why do I find it so difficult/scary to just DO it? Why do I cherish the pain/hurt/anxiety so much?

One day, maybe one day.

At least today was a good day: spent a lovely day with my mom and it was the first time in like forever it was this calm and nice. ♥︎

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prettygoodyear: (random text - EEEK!)
 I got a full time teaching job offered to me last Friday at the school I am currently teaching. Next year the three higher classes will all have 33 kids or more in their classes. That's just a bit much, especially with all the administration tasks that need to be done. One of the options is that we, temporarily, add another class, so that each class will only have about 23 kids, which is a lot more doable. Apparently this option turned out to be a realistic one and my boss asked me last Friday if I was still up for having my own class. 

Now, when I started this job 11,5 years ago, I was only too happy not to have my own class fulltime. I was way too insecure about myself and was happy to be teaching 3 different classes, sharing responsibilities with other people. I also never worked fulltime, basically because the hours offered to me in the beginning were only for 4 days, but eventually I also didn't want to work more hours, cause teaching 3 different classes asked a lot of me. So much so even, that 2 years ago I even decided to drop 1 class and only teach for 3 days. It gave me less stress. 

Eventually though the safeness of sharing the responsibilities and a classroom started to wear off. More and more often I felt I couldn't do my own thing enough. When we had parent meetings, I often held back a lot because I didn't feel secure enough in front of my colleague. What also started to bother me more and more, was that my colleague would often do things without talking to me first about it. She would often change the classroom without asking me about it. All little things that made me realise more and more that I longed for my own class: to be able to do my own thing, set up my own rules. 

So, when the question was asked this Friday, I answered I'm seriously considering it. But of course I find it terrifying. Because a big part of me is still so insecure and doubts herself so very much, still. But I think I need to take another step, let go of the safeness. I need to remind myself that this decision isn't forever, I could at least try it, for a year or so. And if teaching fulltime is really too much for me, I could always take a step back. But I think I really need to do this, if only to show myself that I have so much more in me than I give myself credit for. 
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prettygoodyear: (random text - anti social)
I was always of the assumption I always ran away from my fears, but with all the shit happening at work, I realise I actually face them, most of the time. I often keep quiet about a lot of things, but whenever something is really bothering me, I speak up. I want things to be resolved, I have to understand the why's and how's of things that have happened. It's fucking scary though, cause I'm always facing and fighting it alone, even though I have people who support me. It's still me who has to deal with everything.

I sent out an email to my boss and his wife (also my colleague) who I had my previous 2 talks with. I asked a lot of questions, about what certain things that were said were based on, why they fear confrontations so much and what I've ever done to let them believe that talking to me would result in something horrible.
I haven't heard back from them, but have to go to work tonight though. I know my intentions are good, I never try to hurt anyone. I know I'm in my right to ask these questions and get answers. I know. But it feels fucking scary though, cause it's me against the rest.

The *funny* thing is though, that I had a dream about this about a week ago, which I wrote an entry about. My boss' wife apparently also had a dream about it, in which I had called in some parents and children from school to also have a say in things and speak on my behalf, or something like that.

We'll see what will happen to tonight. I'm scared though, but that's because no matter what, I''ll always still doubt myself, even when it's totally uncalled for.

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prettygoodyear: (random text - it would be nice if someth)
Every inch of my body and soul tells me I should head into another direction with my life. Work is only annoying me these last couple of months and a lot I don't care about any more. Last Friday I visited the parents of a girl in my class. Was for a school project, but I ended up staying over for dinner and we had some intense talks about life and spirituality. I left at 9 in the evening and it was amazing. I love talking to people, guiding them on their path. Not just children, but also adults. It gives me energy. I did the children coach training last year, but it isn't what I want. I want to act pure on intuition, because I have loads of it. Then again, what do I want to do with it? Have my own practice? I don't want to have to deal with rules and paperworks anymore. I don't want to have to show other people what progress I made with something. That's something I learned: let me do my own fucking thing my own fucking way.

However...I need a steady income. I am a home owner (something I regret so much these days because it makes you dependable, especially in these times) I have to pay my bills. Quitting my job means no steady income whatsoever. Keeping my job for only a few days isn't an option either anymore. I'm done with being a teacher in this world. I don't want to have to deal with all that comes with it. And even when I teach for only a day, I still have to deal with everything else.

I feel like I'm at a crossroad and need to make decisions, but I have no idea which. And I find it scary to just jump into something without knowing what it will bring me. I have no faith whatsoever, but maybe I should start with writing down what the worst things are that could happen. A change is in order, that is for sure.

I wish life wasn't so complicated sometimes, or at least wouldn't feel so complicated. And I wish I had more faith and courage and not have fear hold me down all the fucking time.
prettygoodyear: (random text - it would be nice if someth)
It would be nice if I would be able to be just okay with myself. Not always get so upset with myself, or angry. Not always notice everything I do wrong, or could have done differently, but compliment myself. Not constantly judge myself. Be proud of myself. Happy with myself. If even I can't love myself, then who will? 

What makes it so much harder is that I often have no clue whatsoever what really defines me and that when I try to figure it out, there are millions of voices inside my head all saying something else, all trying to be heard. Maybe acceptance of myself is the first step? No matter what happens, allow it to happen, be okay with it and not reflect on it too much in a negative way? I really want to be okay with myself, no matter what. I think it would make my life so much more pleasant. 
prettygoodyear: (Xfiles  - animated)
So...six months ago I signed up for the children coaching course. And tomorrow it will happen. And I'm extremely nervous. For over a week now actually. Up to the point I just wish it would be over and done with already because then things will just be back to normal again. Mostly because I have no idea what to expect and am just so nervous about whether it would be really for me or not. But I'm also extremely nervous about going there all by myself, in a group full of strangers. I'm not really good with meeting new people. Am shy etc...etc...It's a good thing I will do this, cause practice makes perfect, but still. Scary shit this is now. Yikes, yikes, yikes.

Also...will have to get up at 5.30 in the morning!!! That is insanely early. The course better be good and worth it!
prettygoodyear: (random - hope)
Had a study day yesterday. Or...study afternoon actually. I usually loathe them, but this time the workshops they had organized were interesting. Went to a workshop called Kids Skills. Interesting really. About how you can help children who have a problem, or aren't really good at something, to reach there goal in a positive, stimulating way. Second workshop was about how to communicate with children. That kinda hit home. Was really sad it only lasted for an hour, cause the things that were said were really interesting and made me realize that's something I want to develop more. So the children coaching stuff should be a good choice.

Anyway...yeah...that second workshop hit me hard. Because I realized, once more, how I lack any self esteem and how I so often think such negative, depressing thoughts. I always bring myself down. There were people there who talked from experience, and they all just sounded confident: they believed what they did was the right thing etc...I always, always doubt myself. I always find myself worthless, not really good at anything. That's just locked away within me so deeply that it sort of became my lifestyle: I don't even know how to do it any other way. Kinda sad really.

All those sessions with Emil helped me a lot, but this is such a major issue. Because I hide my true self from the world, but also from myself. I still don't take in my space and that hit me hard.
prettygoodyear: (random text - EEEK!)
So, yeah...in about 4 hours from now I'll be getting my first (test) driving lesson. In a real car. On a real road. Millions of people drive a car every day. Most people even get their drivers license as soon as I can. But not me. Cause I'm SCARED TO DEATH!
It's something I have to do now though, just so at least I will know what it's like to sit behind the steering wheel and drive a real car. Cause I believe I can't do it. Just like I happen to believe I'm really not good at pretty much everything. This is something that can help me proof myself that I'm capable of a lot more than I gave myself credit for.

And really...a big part of me would love to be able to drive a car, cause it is the ultimate sense of freedom you can get, right? When I was in Ireland I often imagined driving my car around, where I would go, where I would stop etc...

But I'm fucking nervous for it all. It's just a test lesson even, so no strings attached whatsoever. I can't even believe I'll be driving down a real road, with real cars. But what victory it will be once I've done it. And maybe then I'll decide to take real lessons. So that in a few months time I will get a real drivers license and I'll be able to drive a car myself, maybe even get myself a small little car so that I can go anywhere whenever I want.

But shit...right now I wish it would be six hours from now so that the whole experience is at least over and done with. So nervous and scared!
prettygoodyear: (reading - I love books)
So then today I sent out an application email to take part in the children coaching course. I had some doubts where to go, but in the end decided to follow my guts. I just hit the send button before I could change my mind. I almost instantly got an email back saying they had a spot free for me and if maybe I also could call her so she could just get a first impression. I did that right away as well and she sounded amazing. Soft voice, calm and just...friendly. And I knew it was the right decision to make! Now to tell my boss though, since he's still under the impression I wait another extra year! But this course is loads cheaper, so he'll be okay with it I'm sure!

And then I also decided to just go and hit another button: I applied for my first driving lesson! Haven't heard back from that yet, but OMG I just went out and do it! I might just be taking driving lessons. I might just get my drivers license this year! So scary, but something I need to do. Want to do even, just...I hate it takes so long, requires so many lessons and exams. But anyway...another step forward! Two steps even today! Woohoo!
prettygoodyear: (emotions - shut up!)
So...then you get told "you go and do that course you want to do". You feel GREAT about it, you've also learned that you can let go of the past and focus on the future. But then...oh then...then it's time to really make decisions and you find yourself still DOUBTING and STUCK. What. The. Fuck! Seriously! I've had a thousand looks already on the internet. One course is expensive, like, really. Even the scholarship won't cover the costs completely. Then there's the other course...less expensive, but will it be as good? No idea. A big, big, BIG part of me is still scared she'll be making the wrong decision. Which should be okay, but since there's money involved that isn't mine, I freak out. Lol.

And then of course...driver's license. I need to get one this year. Really. Because it's the only way I will be able to make it to either one of those courses. I have looked a billion times on websites. I can sign up for a test ride, won't cost me anything, won't even force me to take lessons. My hand has been above the enter button SO many times, but have I hit it? No, of course not. Again...What. The. Fuck!

And then something completely different, but...school camp is there again already! Wednesday-Friday. Ugh! I hate...no LOATH camping more than anything in life. To make it all worse the weather is supposed to suck BIG time too. Yay me! Can't wait for it to be Friday night. It will pass. It will pass. Just let it go by really, really quickly though! Lol.
prettygoodyear: (lost - lost intro animation)
I can't believe there's only just one more episode, a long, long one, left. It can't end. It shouldn't end. Fuck.

Also fuck was that I was supposed to have a performance interview at work today. Which I was more than nervous about. Because I'd be brave and ask for money to help me fund this course I want to take. My boss was sick, with some arm injury whatever it was. Which sucked. New appointment need to be made, more stress and waiting. But it's giving me more and more confidence though. I need to do this. No matter what.
prettygoodyear: (Top Gear  -journey)
So then one day you welcome the two week holiday, and then you all of a sudden have to say goodbye to it already. Next week another long weekend and then it's not till the second week of July before another holiday starts. At least I've got them, wouldn't really know what to do without them! Having these two weeks off was a bliss. I didn't even do that much, but as always, some time off from work always makes me more relaxed. More in touch with myself.

Next week I'll have a talk with my boss. In which I'll have to ask him to allow me to take on another study. To become a children's coach. I find it scary. One thing I've learned from my last visit to my counselor, was that I've always looked back on life, and especially anything that went wrong. I base my future on the past. I base my future on the feeling of not being worth anything, not being good at anything. I base my future on fear. I WANT a change, I NEED a change. But as always, I already think it won't work out, I'll get a no for an answer, I will suck at it. So I want to just not take any action at all. Which then means nothing changes. And things HAVE to change. So I will have a talk with him and be confident. I need to step out of the past and get me a future full of things I love and like and need. No more fear. No more "expecting the worst". Only "I can do this" "I deserve this" and "I'm good at this" from now on. For 31 years I denied myself, my existence. It's hard to just change that behavior, and approve myself. But I'm worth a good life. I'm worth good changes.
But fuck is this scary!

Ah yes...and Ireland. Exactly two months from now I'll be in Ireland. My final day in Galway even. I was SO excited when I booked the vacation in January. How was I supposed to know Tori decided to do a mini-tour? I'll miss London, Bloemendaal even Dublin. I can't believe that for the first time since I missed her first tour after I got into her music, I might miss out on one again. I'm still hoping another show will show up, after I get back from Ireland. A show that I might be able to make it to, hopefully with someone else! Still excited about Ireland though! Still very happy to go back there!
prettygoodyear: (Default)

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