1. Thinking someone else is more important than me and thus take a step back/adjust.
2. Making someone else's problem, my problem, because see #1.
3. Feeling negative about myself. I almost constantly think people will look at me and think "Jesus fuck, who does she think she is? Loser!". Just last night 2 of my cousins were visiting my parents. I hadn't seen them in forever and my parents invited me over for coffee so we could meet. These were my thoughts: "I am fat and they will notice and they will think less of me" "I am still single and thus a forever loser." "I am failing at life" "They will wonder why the hell I'm there and think I'm a loser" "I have no interesting life" "I look weird" "I didn't say the right things" etc...etc...
It's funny because the eldest of 2 cousins, who is a few years younger than me and who I look up to a lot etc...was actually saying the same things. She's never happy with herself, always doubting herself, never thinks high of herself etc...We seem to have a lot in common and yet I still think: "I should not bother her with a visit because she's just trying to be polite and say she'd love to, but she doesn't and why should she because who the fuck am I?!" I never want to bother people, also see #1 and 2.
Yeah...
4. Doubting myself and my abilities ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Like, see #1 and 3. Stop it already, sheesh!
5. Worrying, creating demons out of everything. It's not helpful, at all, I never gained anything positive from it, like EVER and just STOP!
6. Hiding and keeping quiet, see point 1 -5.
7. Eating bad foods, overeating. The extra weight I carry with me is not helpful, because see #3 and 4 . It's like this vicious cycle I am in.
8. Being so hard on myself, see #7.
9. Focusing on the bad things.
I really find it amazing how I make it so hard for myself all the time. Why do I think other people are more important than me, why do I think I deserve bad thoughts and things? I have learned, a lot, the past couple of years. But I am someone who longs for freedom, and this is one of the most important things I want to be freed of: my demons. Just be. Being able to see that I am a good person, that I have good qualities. And why do I find it so difficult/scary to just DO it? Why do I cherish the pain/hurt/anxiety so much?
One day, maybe one day.
At least today was a good day: spent a lovely day with my mom and it was the first time in like forever it was this calm and nice. ♥︎
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/276848.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
2. Making someone else's problem, my problem, because see #1.
3. Feeling negative about myself. I almost constantly think people will look at me and think "Jesus fuck, who does she think she is? Loser!". Just last night 2 of my cousins were visiting my parents. I hadn't seen them in forever and my parents invited me over for coffee so we could meet. These were my thoughts: "I am fat and they will notice and they will think less of me" "I am still single and thus a forever loser." "I am failing at life" "They will wonder why the hell I'm there and think I'm a loser" "I have no interesting life" "I look weird" "I didn't say the right things" etc...etc...
It's funny because the eldest of 2 cousins, who is a few years younger than me and who I look up to a lot etc...was actually saying the same things. She's never happy with herself, always doubting herself, never thinks high of herself etc...We seem to have a lot in common and yet I still think: "I should not bother her with a visit because she's just trying to be polite and say she'd love to, but she doesn't and why should she because who the fuck am I?!" I never want to bother people, also see #1 and 2.
Yeah...
4. Doubting myself and my abilities ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Like, see #1 and 3. Stop it already, sheesh!
5. Worrying, creating demons out of everything. It's not helpful, at all, I never gained anything positive from it, like EVER and just STOP!
6. Hiding and keeping quiet, see point 1 -5.
7. Eating bad foods, overeating. The extra weight I carry with me is not helpful, because see #3 and 4 . It's like this vicious cycle I am in.
8. Being so hard on myself, see #7.
9. Focusing on the bad things.
I really find it amazing how I make it so hard for myself all the time. Why do I think other people are more important than me, why do I think I deserve bad thoughts and things? I have learned, a lot, the past couple of years. But I am someone who longs for freedom, and this is one of the most important things I want to be freed of: my demons. Just be. Being able to see that I am a good person, that I have good qualities. And why do I find it so difficult/scary to just DO it? Why do I cherish the pain/hurt/anxiety so much?
One day, maybe one day.
At least today was a good day: spent a lovely day with my mom and it was the first time in like forever it was this calm and nice. ♥︎
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/276848.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
