Well I know it's just a spring haze

I was always of the assumption I always ran away from my fears, but with all the shit happening at work, I realise I actually face them, most of the time. I often keep quiet about a lot of things, but whenever something is really bothering me, I speak up. I want things to be resolved, I have to understand the why's and how's of things that have happened. It's fucking scary though, cause I'm always facing and fighting it alone, even though I have people who support me. It's still me who has to deal with everything.

I sent out an email to my boss and his wife (also my colleague) who I had my previous 2 talks with. I asked a lot of questions, about what certain things that were said were based on, why they fear confrontations so much and what I've ever done to let them believe that talking to me would result in something horrible.
I haven't heard back from them, but have to go to work tonight though. I know my intentions are good, I never try to hurt anyone. I know I'm in my right to ask these questions and get answers. I know. But it feels fucking scary though, cause it's me against the rest.

The *funny* thing is though, that I had a dream about this about a week ago, which I wrote an entry about. My boss' wife apparently also had a dream about it, in which I had called in some parents and children from school to also have a say in things and speak on my behalf, or something like that.

We'll see what will happen to tonight. I'm scared though, but that's because no matter what, I''ll always still doubt myself, even when it's totally uncalled for.

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Last night had another intense talk with my colleague. She finished her mindfulness therapy and I asked her how she was doing. She told me she had just entered another depression days before, so that it was hard. And then we talked. She told me how as a child she used to be extremely sensitive but then at one point she decided to just shut that part off. And in one of the therapy sessions they did an exercise in which she truly felt herself again with all her sensitivity. And I told her that it hit home with me, because when I was about 19 years old I completely shut that part off myself as well. And have been doing so ever since, but always, constantly feel my life is incomplete. But there is also this big, big part of me that is still not loving herself at all, is never kind to herself, always blames herself for everything.

 

And while I still think it’s still not a real depression I’m in (because I can still get up every morning and don’t cry over just everything etc…) I do think I am at a point in my life in which I need to find myself back. Real soul searching. Be truly okay with who I am and no longer deny myself any longer. Because that’s what I’ve been doing pretty much all of my life. I want to be able to handle friendships again, do things beside work and enjoy them. Now everything feels too much. I can’t handle friendships much when they require a lot from me, or I feel trapped or…

I just need to find a way how. I already find it hard to just talk about it, because I always, always try to say “it’s not that bad”. Or I’m scared people won’t understand, tell me to just shut up and go on with life. It always feels safer to just keep things to myself.

I'll turn 31 in two months. I've been living on my own for a good 6 years. But I never really got away from my mom and dad. I've never been fully aware of it, in a way it always felt kinda safe too. But the last couple of weeks I started to feel a bit uncomfy about little things about my life and myself but still couldn't my finger on it. Then last week, on New Year's Eve, I got mad at my mom for a reaction she gave me. And then got even more mad for the reaction she gave me because I got mad. But then she insisted on me contacting her to get back to her about what happened. And then when both my mom and dad not really turned against me, but yet in a way did a couple of days later I realized that for too long I've allowed them to keep me 'small'. For too long I've still been this little girl. Acted like one too. Was still too dependent on them, but also just still took what they said for the one and only truth, which would often just take me down. I've just never been too aware of it. Never really wanted to let go either. But now I just do. My mom isn't right about everything and I should have every right to say so. And if she's upset by it, then I shouldn't turn it into my issue. Something I've always done.
This afternoon she sent me an email, asking me if I had found the time to put things on paper for her, as I promised. She put some other stuff with it, which she all meant well, but like a colleague so lovely told me this afternoon "in a therapeutic way". She's not my therapist and she shouldn't act like one. She wants me to tell what my issues are, what's right for me. But it's time for her to let go of that. To let me live my life and be okay with it. Accept that I really am an adult and actually have been for many years.
I just wrote her back saying I needed time to figure things out myself. And that I don't know when to get back to her. I think we might end up disagreeing and fighting loads this year, but you'll never know...

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Yeah, and then last night I had this crazy dream I think I just need to write down. It started with me and a bunch of people I don't know who tried to help Hurley (Lost) escape from something. Which took a couple of tries but then in the end we just ran into a crowd and then got out. Then we ran and ran and all of a sudden I was with Hermione and Ron and Harry and we were running through London. Hmm....weird. Then I was some kind of subway/underground and ended up on top of a building, with loads of windows. I was there with another bunch of people who I have now no idea about who they were. The building was all sorts of things, but it was also a scary one, cause it was placed on the edge of something and looked as if it could just fall down any minute. Oh. And in between that I think I was in Ireland as well, on the Dingle peninsula.
Anyway...eventually it turned out my old high school teacher was in the same building as me, but a level below. She was there with her two kids and new husband and somehow I managed to follow her, but she wouldn't notice me. Then right before the dream would come to and end, I decided to go downstairs and at least just say hi to her. I ran past her at first, cause I wanted to pretend I didn't see her (???) and went into the toiler for a bit, then walked outside and touched her on her feet and said 'hi'. She was happy to see me, but in my dream she also acted like we were meant to be meat/had an appointment, cause she asked me if I'd been there for long, to which I replied I'd been busy with other people first.

I think I then woke up. A dream full of crazy things, but could still remember it after over 12 hours so decided to write it down.

My parents and sister came over to my place for a cup of coffee, and well, for the first time ever I started opening myself up to them. I had printed out two of my livejournal entries, and just shared it with them. I read to them the one about me being such a dreamer. I translated it of course, cause they are not really that well on English, but I just shared it with them. It was the most scary thing for me to do, but I can't take it back anymore. I also told them that for a while, I write down my thoughts etc...in English. It may not sound like a big deal to anyone, but to me it was. Cause I've never allowed them to enter my world. I would normally never tell them what keeps me busy etc..etc...And now I just opened myself up to them. Not much, just a little bit. But still, I was able to show them a little bit of the real me. And it was scary to do, and it still feels weird, but I was able to do it. Wow...I've accomplished something...And even though I still feel a bit weird about it, it makes me feel good as well :)