Well I know it's just a spring haze

I was always of the assumption I always ran away from my fears, but with all the shit happening at work, I realise I actually face them, most of the time. I often keep quiet about a lot of things, but whenever something is really bothering me, I speak up. I want things to be resolved, I have to understand the why's and how's of things that have happened. It's fucking scary though, cause I'm always facing and fighting it alone, even though I have people who support me. It's still me who has to deal with everything.

I sent out an email to my boss and his wife (also my colleague) who I had my previous 2 talks with. I asked a lot of questions, about what certain things that were said were based on, why they fear confrontations so much and what I've ever done to let them believe that talking to me would result in something horrible.
I haven't heard back from them, but have to go to work tonight though. I know my intentions are good, I never try to hurt anyone. I know I'm in my right to ask these questions and get answers. I know. But it feels fucking scary though, cause it's me against the rest.

The *funny* thing is though, that I had a dream about this about a week ago, which I wrote an entry about. My boss' wife apparently also had a dream about it, in which I had called in some parents and children from school to also have a say in things and speak on my behalf, or something like that.

We'll see what will happen to tonight. I'm scared though, but that's because no matter what, I''ll always still doubt myself, even when it's totally uncalled for.

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So...today at work my boss walked over to me and asked me if we could have a chat for a bit. A colleague of mine, who has been diagnosed with cancer two years ago, won't be coming back, the replacement teacher they got can't handle the class at all. So basically, they have no one to teach the class (for 2 days). They have put advertisements in the papers, but so far gotten no response (because of course they didn't put it in the papers till today...duh). His question to me was if I was prepared to give up my own class I teach on Thursday and Friday to teach that other class, with younger children. Because I've done it before and because he thinks I'm capable of it. My co-worker will then take over our class full-time. He told me it's only temporarily, until they find a replacement teacher again, but it could well be I'd be teaching that class till the end of this school year. Of course I told him I need to think about it, to which he responded I shouldn't wait too long cause he wants it to happen after our next holiday, which happens to start this Friday. Fun.

Of course I don't really have a choice, though during our meeting of this afternoon it became clear there are other options, just not great options when it turns out to be a long term plan. So basically I just have to say yes. And I just have no idea what to do. A part of me is just saying "fine, whatever" mostly based on a lot of guilt. But also a tiny part of me wanting to proof to myself I can do this. Another part of me isn't ready to let go of her own class. I enjoy teaching that class so much. They are older children, and I prefer them. But maybe I should just say I'm willing to teach till the next holiday, which will start in May. Then again...I'd miss out on a lot of fun things in my own class. Projects and such. Ugh...I should make a pros and cons list. And I shouldn't try so hard to fix everything for everyone and then forgetting about me. If another colleague of mine can just say "no" then why can't I? Maybe I should discuss that? Just ask why he says no without feeling guilty etc...? Hmm...maybe. Maybe tomorrow evening, just for my own sake and learning process.

Decisions...decisions I don't want to make. At least I have tomorrow off.

Have experienced different kind of feelings during the last few days and they all made me realize again how much there's still to learn for me. Disappointments aren't always bad things.
And I've realized I too get jealous..not something I'm proud of, but I see it now though. And I know it can be changed.
Whenever things go different than I expected them to go, it's not always bad, at all. And I should stop seeing it that way, and just see where it will take me.

Got up this morning at about 10.15, the sun was shining and I could just feel her warmth. I just love the sun, she always brings me in such a good mood. I can't wait for the weather to become a bit warmer again, cause it's way too cold outside, way too cold. I want the trees to become green again, I wanna see the flowers again, feel the warmth on my face whenever I go outside. Winter never lasted this long, or at least that's how i feel this year. It's not that I hate winter or anything, but she won't ever become my best friend either.

Anyway...didn't really do much today, didn't get dressed until 2.30, which was good. I'm still not sure what i will be doing next week, if I'll go away for a few days, or just stay home. But I'll just see what next week will bring me. So far I'm still enjoying this week...and maybe I'll be able to get creative again this week. Oh well..i will just see how everything goes. It would be bloody perfect though if i would find my old strength back again and feel good again. If that goal can be reached by the end of this week I would be too damn happy!