Well I know it's just a spring haze

So a few years ago I found this beautiful children's book about the beginning of life. It has beautiful plates in it and tells a beautiful story about how we are all part of a big ocean, how we came to this planet etc...etc...It just really is an amazing book. But I had somehow forgotten about it, until recently when I found it while cleaning up some stuff. I read the book, took it to school with me and showed it to one of my colleagues who's pretty much into this. She wanted to read it and use it in her class. She works with younger children and most of them didn't really show anything when they heard the story.
So..I decided to read the story today to my children. They're all age 9-12. It felt a bit funny, cause a few kids are pretty quick with their judgment, but it didn't happen. They all listened in silence. It took me about 10 minutes to read the story, so we only had about 5 minutes left until they had to swop classes, but I took those 5 minutes to talk about the story.
After 5 minutes a few kids really told some very personal stories, and I was sad that it was time to finish it.
So...at the end of the morning, when everyone was back in the classroom again, I decided to continue our talk. It was such a great experience. They told me about their "imaginary" friends. This girl who has lost her dad a few years ago, told me how she still talks to him every now and then. And that she sees things. So many kids in my class have seen or experienced things. At first they were a bit scared to talk about it, but as soon as one person started talking and they felt safe enough, others started to share their stories as well. Nobody laughed at each other, nobody made fun of each other. It really was a magical experience. And then I told them a small part of my story. How i see things too. It didn't sound weird to them at all.

The rest of the day the kids came up to see me and tell me another story or experience. One girl had an imaginary dog for a long time, until the day they really got a dog. It was the same dog has her imaginary dog and they are the best friends. This other girl often had a circus in her room, with real animals.
This other girl, who had also lost her dad, told me that for a year she could experience the emotions of other people. She would see them as colors, or just feel them.

Really, so much came out and I felt so connected with them. Some kids changed, for the better. They usually find it hard to concentrate, especially when we talk about something serious, but now they just sat down and listened and talked.

I'm curious as to how it will go from here, but the fact that I was able to have a conversations like this about this subject, well, it just made my day :)

Yesterday I went to visit this lady who's pretty much into spirituality. It took me loads and loads of trust and self esteem to go see her, cause over the years so many people had messed with me, that I sorta had NO faith in whatever person anymore. Couldn't trust a soul anymore etc...But I went to see her, mostly because of my mom. It was weird to be there, she was a very nice lady, but I was just so fucking skeptical towards her and anything she would say. But she just told me a few things I needed to hear again. One thing that really hit me, was the fact that she told me I have to be just me and just do my thing and not follow anyone else along the road. That's what I try to do all my life, but since so many people had made me so confused about so many things, I sorta lost track of myself. But she told me I really only need to do things that feel right for me. That's sorta like my task here on earth: just be, cause by doing so, I might be able to open other peoples eyes. I don't really have a life lesson to learn and things that happen to me (in a bad way) are never really big obstacles. I'm such a strong person, that I can overcome them pretty easily.
Now..that made me laugh of course, cause for the last couple of months I felt anything but strong. But I guess in a way she's right. I always seem to be doing my own kind of thing. But what I need to learn now, is not to feel stupid about it or guilty or think I do it all wrong. She also told me I have to gift of "knowing". I just "know" things. If I feel like something isn't right, but can't explain why, but i just know it isn't right, I should stick with that etc...etc...
She also told me it will leave me feeling lonely though, cause there are not at all that many people who will ever understand me and accept my way of living. I just need to learn to not always open myself up for just about anyone (not that i did that anyway lately, kinda like shut everyone out of my life). I can't let people destroy me. If someone can't accept me, can't accept my way of thinking or just steals my energy etc...away i need to avoid them.

It's all easier said than done though, lol. This afternoon i made a phonecall to my boss telling him I won't take the job. He told me he was okay with it and all, but in the mean time I was able to call myself "a stupid bitch, a loser a bla bla bla". I K N O W this is the right decision and all, my soul knows that, but on emotional level i just feel a wee bit different though.
Just need to tell myself to keep on breathing now and living and feel proud of myself and realize that everything will always lead to something good in the end...

On a side note, this lady also told me next year is gonna be a year full of changes. For one i'll meet my soulmate she said. I kinda laughed at that comment. I so don't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now, the thought alone of it makes me wanna puke and makes me feel all nervous and all, lol.
Ah well, a year is a very relative thing when it comes to predictions and i always have a hard time believing them anyway. But buy can you imagine that: Nancy with a boyfriend...living together, getting married....get kids....Jeez...that's one hell of a scary thought right now, but who knows eh?

Oh...and why the fuck is it still so fucking cold outside. There are like 365 days in a year, and only 30 or so will be filled with nice temperatures this year? I hate this country. Fucking rain ALL the time, fucking wind, fucking COLD!!!!!! It's S U M M E R for crying out loud!!!!! I want me some sunshine and NICE (not hot, but NICE) temepratures! Winter's gonna last long enough anyway!

'K...enough bullshit for today and enough complaining as well. Need to start enjoying life a bit more often starting right now!