Well I know it's just a spring haze

...I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost...

I find it difficult to deal with changes. I need time to adjust to new situations/people/whatever. I can get really emotional when things change and I don't have any control or power over that. Letting go of things is another thing I am not good at. I enjoy my comfy, safe bubble, as uncomfortable and unsafe it might feel sometimes. At least I know what I have. Because not knowing what I might get is scary. And then there's the saying goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye and let go. Because it means another chapter closes, another era of my life is being put away, for good (or that's how it feels). And, like I said before, a kind of safeness is leaving my life.

Anyway...14 years ago I was still a student. I was assigned to do this trainee teacher thing at a school close to my home. I rang them up and introduced myself and asked if I could come visit them that week to meet. I was getting a warm welcome once I arrived and while new things make me nervous, I felt at ease at that school. I ended up getting a job there and 14 years on still work there. With ups and downs, for sure. But it's a one-of-a-kind school. A lot of people have worked there for (almost) 40 years. It's a very close, tight group of people who care for each other. Sometimes it's difficult dealing with those who have been there so long, because they are so used to doing things in a certain way. But it says a lot when people work together for so many years.

To get to a point: last night my boss told everyone that this coming January, he will retire. And so will his wife, who is also working at my school. And while we had our differences, while I wanted to strangle them from time to time, they are a huge part of this school. I feel comfortable around them, it's a safeness. When they are gone, it will leave a gap. It's scary as well, because it can change a whole vibe. New people will arrive and will that work out? Will they fit in? Will they manage to maintain that vibe? Will I be able to feel safe and secure enough around them?

I mentioned earlier that I was thinking that this might be my final year at this school. I always felt like I would leave before anyone else, mostly because at least that way I would be in control of things. And then this happens...Of course change can be good and eventually something good will come from this. I just need my time to adjust, being the HSP that I am. It's a big change and like I said, I don't do so well with that...

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/278251.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

And just like that another school year has ended. The last couple of days went by in a blur, like they always do. Said goodbye to a dear colleague and also a girl from class who I was very close to. Didn't shed a tear until just now when I got home. Always such a weird time: happy to have 5 weeks off, but also sad to let got and say goodbye.

So on Christmas day I had a confrontational talk with my family. In which at one point my mom said "You've got the feeling that you can't just be who you are." Which was true, and is true. Am always trying to please everyone and always feel like walking on eggshells.

Anyway...it got me thinking.

I think every person walking on this planet wants to be recognized, loved and just be who they are. Without judgment. "Just let me be". I'm no exception.
Sometimes people are uncomfortable with you, or the way you behave. It often says something about them, not about you.
Example: you're quiet and to yourself on a party. Some people interpreted that as maybe you not being comfortable, or you being snobbish...etc...Again...this says something of them, because it makes them feel insecure, or they don't know what to do with themselves. The hardest, well, for me anyway, to do then is to stay true to myself. Because I often instantly think "See, I'm weird."

Anyway...I get that now. I get now that it doesn't always says something about me and that I don't need to just change myself for the sake of other people.

When someone is actually pissing me off, or bothering me, I need to ask myself why. I get that too. Because that person has the same right as me: to just be who they are.

Writing it all down, it seems so easy. But it so isn't. Because so much happens in a day and it's so easy and quite a normal habit to let emotions take over and do the talking for you.

But when you can control it, when things don't get to you emotionally anymore, when it really doesn't hurt your feelings anymore...life must be such a bliss then!

I'm halfway through my holiday. Just the fact that there are no obligations whatsoever makes me a different person. I think of work/school and I think I'm getting done with it more and more. I don't get any real joy out of it, and it's been like that for a long time. Sure there are days in which it all feels nice, but there are also loads of days I drag myself into work.

There is just this deep fear. Cause what if I decide to quit, then what? I have a house to pay for. Of course I could sell it, but then what? I want to be in control of it and have no faith whatsoever things might actually work out. As I also still have no clue what to really do with my life. I need a change. I need one for a long time, I just don't know what really.

Maybe I should have a talk with my boss next week and tell him that I feel I'm stuck at work and if he has any ideas about what else might be out there for me to do. And maybe I should also just write down a list of things I love and hate about the work I do now.

I wish I would have a clear image in my head of what I really would love to do. Also wish money wouldn't be an issue.

I'll turn 31 in two months. I've been living on my own for a good 6 years. But I never really got away from my mom and dad. I've never been fully aware of it, in a way it always felt kinda safe too. But the last couple of weeks I started to feel a bit uncomfy about little things about my life and myself but still couldn't my finger on it. Then last week, on New Year's Eve, I got mad at my mom for a reaction she gave me. And then got even more mad for the reaction she gave me because I got mad. But then she insisted on me contacting her to get back to her about what happened. And then when both my mom and dad not really turned against me, but yet in a way did a couple of days later I realized that for too long I've allowed them to keep me 'small'. For too long I've still been this little girl. Acted like one too. Was still too dependent on them, but also just still took what they said for the one and only truth, which would often just take me down. I've just never been too aware of it. Never really wanted to let go either. But now I just do. My mom isn't right about everything and I should have every right to say so. And if she's upset by it, then I shouldn't turn it into my issue. Something I've always done.
This afternoon she sent me an email, asking me if I had found the time to put things on paper for her, as I promised. She put some other stuff with it, which she all meant well, but like a colleague so lovely told me this afternoon "in a therapeutic way". She's not my therapist and she shouldn't act like one. She wants me to tell what my issues are, what's right for me. But it's time for her to let go of that. To let me live my life and be okay with it. Accept that I really am an adult and actually have been for many years.
I just wrote her back saying I needed time to figure things out myself. And that I don't know when to get back to her. I think we might end up disagreeing and fighting loads this year, but you'll never know...

====

Yeah, and then last night I had this crazy dream I think I just need to write down. It started with me and a bunch of people I don't know who tried to help Hurley (Lost) escape from something. Which took a couple of tries but then in the end we just ran into a crowd and then got out. Then we ran and ran and all of a sudden I was with Hermione and Ron and Harry and we were running through London. Hmm....weird. Then I was some kind of subway/underground and ended up on top of a building, with loads of windows. I was there with another bunch of people who I have now no idea about who they were. The building was all sorts of things, but it was also a scary one, cause it was placed on the edge of something and looked as if it could just fall down any minute. Oh. And in between that I think I was in Ireland as well, on the Dingle peninsula.
Anyway...eventually it turned out my old high school teacher was in the same building as me, but a level below. She was there with her two kids and new husband and somehow I managed to follow her, but she wouldn't notice me. Then right before the dream would come to and end, I decided to go downstairs and at least just say hi to her. I ran past her at first, cause I wanted to pretend I didn't see her (???) and went into the toiler for a bit, then walked outside and touched her on her feet and said 'hi'. She was happy to see me, but in my dream she also acted like we were meant to be meat/had an appointment, cause she asked me if I'd been there for long, to which I replied I'd been busy with other people first.

I think I then woke up. A dream full of crazy things, but could still remember it after over 12 hours so decided to write it down.