prettygoodyear: (random - Purple Trees)
So on Christmas day I had a confrontational talk with my family. In which at one point my mom said "You've got the feeling that you can't just be who you are." Which was true, and is true. Am always trying to please everyone and always feel like walking on eggshells.

Anyway...it got me thinking.

I think every person walking on this planet wants to be recognized, loved and just be who they are. Without judgment. "Just let me be". I'm no exception.
Sometimes people are uncomfortable with you, or the way you behave. It often says something about them, not about you.
Example: you're quiet and to yourself on a party. Some people interpreted that as maybe you not being comfortable, or you being snobbish...etc...Again...this says something of them, because it makes them feel insecure, or they don't know what to do with themselves. The hardest, well, for me anyway, to do then is to stay true to myself. Because I often instantly think "See, I'm weird."

Anyway...I get that now. I get now that it doesn't always says something about me and that I don't need to just change myself for the sake of other people.

When someone is actually pissing me off, or bothering me, I need to ask myself why. I get that too. Because that person has the same right as me: to just be who they are.

Writing it all down, it seems so easy. But it so isn't. Because so much happens in a day and it's so easy and quite a normal habit to let emotions take over and do the talking for you.

But when you can control it, when things don't get to you emotionally anymore, when it really doesn't hurt your feelings anymore...life must be such a bliss then!
prettygoodyear: (random text - Wondering)
My sister and her husband bought a new home and last Wednesday they received the key to their new home. It's a semi-detached farm house, with a lot of land surrounding it. Gorgeous scenery. This Saturday I went over there to help them with painting and such. It was the second time I visited the house, but this time it was empty. What a gorgeous, fantastic place it is. Out in the open, quiet, loads of space surrounding it. Not too big, not too small either. And really just calm. And close to a couple of villages, but far away enough to not be bothered by it. They have French doors out into the garden. A small garden next to the house, all privately tucked away. And there's a small wood and grasslands next door as well. Just wonderful really and envy them so much right now. It's a lot of work to get the place fixed. They're doing the basics now so they can move into it two weeks from now. But the location is perfect. Hopefully one day I'll be able to find something like that as well. How wonderful it would be to live like that!
prettygoodyear: (Default)
Vandaag weer bij Emil geweest. Weer bijzonder. En fijn ook. En morgen ga ik ook lekker niet naar de studiedag heb ik al besloten. Ik zadel niemand op met een last en kies dan even voor mezelf. Even nog nagenieten van vandaag en nog even tijd voor mezelf. Zonder schuldgevoel!
Bij Emil was fijn. Hij haalde aan dat mijn mams, Krista, ik en ook mijn paps last hebben van een familie geweten: dingen herhalen zich, een soort karma zeg maar. Om het op mezelf te betrekken: ik heb altijd het gevoel in een hoekje te staan, en dan dus er niet bij te horen, eenzaam te zijn, verlaten etc...En van daaruit reageer ik dus ook vaak. Ik pas me aan iedereen aan, vanuit een schuldgevoel ook. En ik neem dus niet mijn eigen plekje in. Ik ben dus feitelijk niemand. En voel me dus ook eigenlijk ellendig, zelfs nu, nu ik me al veel beter voel. Als ik leer om dingen los te laten, dan sta ik mezelf ook toe om een plekje op deze wereld in te nemen en daarmee komen dus alle fijne gevoelens meteen vrij. Dan mag ik er gewoon zijn!
Emil vertelde ook dat ik zo snel groei en hij zo verbaasd is hoe hard ik ontwikkel en hoe snel ik de dingen op pik. Allemaal fijne dingen om te horen. En in maart toch nog weer een keertje terug, maar ik denk zomaar dat het niet alleen voor mij meer is. We zien wel.
Het was in elk geval erg fijn. En dus zo fijn dat ik morgen voor mezelf kies. Na een bezoekje aan Emil lukt dat me altijd even erg goed. Ik heb gewoon geen zin om morgen naar een studiedag te gaan wat energie vreet en nooit ergens echt op slaat. Ik ga er zelfs gewoon open en eerlijk over zijn donderdag mochten er vragen over komen "Ik heb even voor mezelf gekozen."

Ga nu lekker naar bed, nog even Ierland foto's kijken en dan nog even Judging Amy ofzo. Morgen even uitslapen en even niksen. Lekker. Fijn. Goed.
prettygoodyear: (Wondering)
So...for the longest time I wonder what to do with my life. Children's counseling? Always a bit of a doubt, and doubting means no. Painting? Writing? What makes me happy? I find that I really love to take photos. Play with the camera, look at the world differently, make pretty pictures. I want to do more with it. Buy a decent camera and lenses. Buy a tripod. I just figured that this is what makes me actually really happy right now. And is really something I want to do more with. I know it's hard to make a living with it, but that's not my main goal. It's what gives me energy and that's what I need. And we'll see what comes out of it.
prettygoodyear: (Default)
You know what keeps me wondering these days? Well, a lot, heh heh, but especially this: I can have a perception of something and feel it is the one and only truth. I just KNOW it you know and can't really explain it. But then I can meet someone else who has a whole different kind of perception on the same subject and that to him feels like the one and only truth as well. So that keeps me wondering. If I think my truth is right and that other person thinks his truth is right, are they both right then? Both wrong? Is only one of them wrong? Here on earth there can only be right or wrong. If something is green, is can't be red. Clear as that. But...how right is that? Is there only one truth? What if we all make up our own truths and experience them that way? What if all those truths we make up, are real ones?

I've read a lot of books about life after death etc...Some people had near death experiences and they said that when they entered a tunnel of light, they saw beautiful little creatures with wings. Most of the people who had that vision, always believed that in heaven there were angels with wings. And they experienced them. Other people just only experienced a bright light. And some people experienced other creatures who had no real body, you could almost look trough them, but then again you couldn't. And there were other experiences as well. Now, I do believe in all that "life after death" stuff, so I believe all of their stories. However, they are all different, yet, all those people REALLY experienced them. Are they all liars then? I don't think so...I think we are able to create our own image. If we think heaven is all green, then it WILL be all green. Cause it's just only a reflection of who we are. I can experience it as something white, while others might experience it as something dark maybe.

I find it interesting. and I find it even more interesting that we still fight our wars and other things over "perceptions" and "our own truths". We can't accept that there might be different correct answers to just one question. We always try to convince other people that only we are right, and they are all wrong. We fight useless wars over it. Just because we think that "angels can only have wings, and nothing else". We are so stuck in our own way of thinking, we always want explanations for things, we want proof. We want to be right. While all we have to do is accept the fact that others may have a different kind of belief, but it's nevertheless just a real as our own.

Ha...and I know it sounds so easy, and it even is in fact. But we human being somehow always try to do it the hard way...We always point fingers at each other. "She's weird, cause..."
Yeah..she's weird cause she doesn't live up to your perceptions of how life should be. It's so easy to call someone else weird and different. and it's just so easy to think their way of living is just wrong. Just because we think there's only one correct way to live life. But there's not...there are one billion ways to live a life, and all of them are okay, even when they don't seem to be okay, they are. Even though you may think it's totally not okay, that's YOUR truth, it doesn't mean it's wrong though.
In this life (all lives actually) there is no wrong. No mistakes can be made, nothing you do is useless. And it's about time we start to accept it. It would make it a lot easier for us anyway, lol

[and this is MY truth btw....hahahahaha....it doesn't have to be the universal truth ;)]
prettygoodyear: (Default)
I'm such a dreamer, perfectly happy in my own little world. I could live in that dream world forever and ever. No cruel people, no stress, no wars, no anger, no hurt, no pain, no fucking cold winters....Sitting on my balcony, listening to music through my earphones so I can just ignore the big, mean world and pretend it's not there. It's just me...back in my old house, I would often, especially during summer, lay down in my bed, waiting for the world to sleep. And then, when it would finally be quiet, I would let my thoughts running through my mind. It was the only time during a whole day, I could do that.
Now, in my own little place, I still do. Go to bed, either listen to music, or put in ear-plugs, just so I can ignore all the sounds that are around me, just so I can enter my own perfect little world.
I'm such a dreamer...I can read a book, and forget about the rest of the world. I become one with that book and always find it hard to finish a story, cause it will always take me back to the real world, and I hardly ever want that. I'm a dreamer and not really from this planet at all...while I can enjoy all those little things, people run and pass me, not noticing the beauty I notice.

We've been brought up with the idea not to be selfish, but to care about the rest of the world. Serve other people, make sure you do your thing for them. For a long time I took it way too serious and only would live for that other person. But in the mean time I would forget about myself. And I always had a hard time pleasing other people. I would go out, cause they "expected" me to do it. I locked away my thoughts, my dreams, my "weird and silly things" cause they told me I had to LIVE. I got my feet back on the ground, cause they told me it wasn't good for me to be such a dreamer. I've done so many things, only cause I always thought that it was the right thing to do. I always thought other people knew it better than me. I always thought they were right and i was wrong, even though I died each time I didn't do things just for me.
It's wrong not to be selfish. You're here on this planet, not to please other people, and obey them and all that shit, you're here for yourself. You got on this planet all on your own, and you'll leave this planet all on your own. What good does it bring my soul, when I only live for those billions of people out there, but forget about me? Where's the good book hiding itself, which contains those golden rules telling us how to behave? It's nowhere, but in people's minds.

The last couple of weeks I've been giving this job offer of mine a lot of thoughts. I rejected it, and felt guilty about it. Why? Cause you're supposed to be working your ass off in this world, cause you're supposed to act like all those other people and not be different from them. And i rejected it. Why? First I thought it was because of fear, but oh no, that's not the case at all. I don't wanna work my but off, not in this way anyway. I'm not afraid to work hard, not at all, but I don't wanna do things that won't make me feel happy. I rejected that job, cause I wanna feel happy, I wanna go to work and not feeling any pressure. I need my alone time so hard. I'm not that kind of person who can take a stressful job for 40 hours a week (or more). I can't take any kind of stressful job anyway. And for years I hated myself for that. But for WHAT exactly? For not being like the rest of this fucking planet?
We all seem to have forgotten about what the real purpose of our staying here is: us. We work 40+ hours a week, we do this, we do that, only because it's expected from us. But we forget to live.

I can enjoy a day doing nothing really important, i can even enjoy 6 weeks of them. Not because i'm lazy, not at all, I enjoy it cause it allows me to be me. It allows me to think my thoughts, it allows me to analyze myself, it allows me to enjoy the world.

This lady I saw a couple of weeks ago...she told me a lot of things, but this one line stayed with me, even now, after all those weeks: "Never follow the rest of the group, do your own thing"
And little by little, piece by piece I understand the meaning behind her words. Don't EVER do things people tell you to do, unless you really want it to do. Only do things you want to do.

I'm still not there, but to end this post with the first line: "I'm such a dreamer....perfectly happy in my own little world." THIS is who I am, I don't need much, I don't need many friends, I don't need a wonderful career, I don't need millions, I just need my thoughts, my dreams, my freedom, my dignity, a pen and some paper....and that my friends, is all I need to keep me perfectly happy...:)
prettygoodyear: (Default)

December 2019

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