Well I know it's just a spring haze

My sister and her husband bought a new home and last Wednesday they received the key to their new home. It's a semi-detached farm house, with a lot of land surrounding it. Gorgeous scenery. This Saturday I went over there to help them with painting and such. It was the second time I visited the house, but this time it was empty. What a gorgeous, fantastic place it is. Out in the open, quiet, loads of space surrounding it. Not too big, not too small either. And really just calm. And close to a couple of villages, but far away enough to not be bothered by it. They have French doors out into the garden. A small garden next to the house, all privately tucked away. And there's a small wood and grasslands next door as well. Just wonderful really and envy them so much right now. It's a lot of work to get the place fixed. They're doing the basics now so they can move into it two weeks from now. But the location is perfect. Hopefully one day I'll be able to find something like that as well. How wonderful it would be to live like that!

So...for the longest time I wonder what to do with my life. Children's counseling? Always a bit of a doubt, and doubting means no. Painting? Writing? What makes me happy? I find that I really love to take photos. Play with the camera, look at the world differently, make pretty pictures. I want to do more with it. Buy a decent camera and lenses. Buy a tripod. I just figured that this is what makes me actually really happy right now. And is really something I want to do more with. I know it's hard to make a living with it, but that's not my main goal. It's what gives me energy and that's what I need. And we'll see what comes out of it.

I'm such a dreamer, perfectly happy in my own little world. I could live in that dream world forever and ever. No cruel people, no stress, no wars, no anger, no hurt, no pain, no fucking cold winters....Sitting on my balcony, listening to music through my earphones so I can just ignore the big, mean world and pretend it's not there. It's just me...back in my old house, I would often, especially during summer, lay down in my bed, waiting for the world to sleep. And then, when it would finally be quiet, I would let my thoughts running through my mind. It was the only time during a whole day, I could do that.
Now, in my own little place, I still do. Go to bed, either listen to music, or put in ear-plugs, just so I can ignore all the sounds that are around me, just so I can enter my own perfect little world.
I'm such a dreamer...I can read a book, and forget about the rest of the world. I become one with that book and always find it hard to finish a story, cause it will always take me back to the real world, and I hardly ever want that. I'm a dreamer and not really from this planet at all...while I can enjoy all those little things, people run and pass me, not noticing the beauty I notice.

We've been brought up with the idea not to be selfish, but to care about the rest of the world. Serve other people, make sure you do your thing for them. For a long time I took it way too serious and only would live for that other person. But in the mean time I would forget about myself. And I always had a hard time pleasing other people. I would go out, cause they "expected" me to do it. I locked away my thoughts, my dreams, my "weird and silly things" cause they told me I had to LIVE. I got my feet back on the ground, cause they told me it wasn't good for me to be such a dreamer. I've done so many things, only cause I always thought that it was the right thing to do. I always thought other people knew it better than me. I always thought they were right and i was wrong, even though I died each time I didn't do things just for me.
It's wrong not to be selfish. You're here on this planet, not to please other people, and obey them and all that shit, you're here for yourself. You got on this planet all on your own, and you'll leave this planet all on your own. What good does it bring my soul, when I only live for those billions of people out there, but forget about me? Where's the good book hiding itself, which contains those golden rules telling us how to behave? It's nowhere, but in people's minds.

The last couple of weeks I've been giving this job offer of mine a lot of thoughts. I rejected it, and felt guilty about it. Why? Cause you're supposed to be working your ass off in this world, cause you're supposed to act like all those other people and not be different from them. And i rejected it. Why? First I thought it was because of fear, but oh no, that's not the case at all. I don't wanna work my but off, not in this way anyway. I'm not afraid to work hard, not at all, but I don't wanna do things that won't make me feel happy. I rejected that job, cause I wanna feel happy, I wanna go to work and not feeling any pressure. I need my alone time so hard. I'm not that kind of person who can take a stressful job for 40 hours a week (or more). I can't take any kind of stressful job anyway. And for years I hated myself for that. But for WHAT exactly? For not being like the rest of this fucking planet?
We all seem to have forgotten about what the real purpose of our staying here is: us. We work 40+ hours a week, we do this, we do that, only because it's expected from us. But we forget to live.

I can enjoy a day doing nothing really important, i can even enjoy 6 weeks of them. Not because i'm lazy, not at all, I enjoy it cause it allows me to be me. It allows me to think my thoughts, it allows me to analyze myself, it allows me to enjoy the world.

This lady I saw a couple of weeks ago...she told me a lot of things, but this one line stayed with me, even now, after all those weeks: "Never follow the rest of the group, do your own thing"
And little by little, piece by piece I understand the meaning behind her words. Don't EVER do things people tell you to do, unless you really want it to do. Only do things you want to do.

I'm still not there, but to end this post with the first line: "I'm such a dreamer....perfectly happy in my own little world." THIS is who I am, I don't need much, I don't need many friends, I don't need a wonderful career, I don't need millions, I just need my thoughts, my dreams, my freedom, my dignity, a pen and some paper....and that my friends, is all I need to keep me perfectly happy...:)