Well I know it's just a spring haze

 Five weeks ago I was enjoying the first day of a 5 week holiday. Tomorrow will mark the end of it again, sadly. On Monday I'll prepare my classroom for a new school year, write lesson plans etc...and that will continue on Tuesday and Wednesday as well (hopefully I'll be able to keep Thursday and Friday free)

I have so much anxiety over it, a whole year of working full time. What if I can't do it? What if I fail? What if I turn out to be this horrible teacher who does it all wrong? How will I survive working 5 days a week? How will I manage everything else? I try myself that this isn't till forever, but even a school year sounds too long right now. And I now I make everything bigger inside my head and that it's useless because I don't gain anything from it, but stress and anxiety. 

I just wish what my purpose in life really is. I wish I could do something that I really love and feel that I am good at. But I am, sadly, also this person who finds it very difficult to think she's really good at anything. I really wish I could truly believe in myself, even this year and just say 'fuck it' to everyone else. I need to remind myself every day, every hour that what other people do, isn't necessary the only right way of doing it. But oh god, that's something I find so hard. When out of 30 people, 29 tell you that what you do is not really okay, how do you keep on believing it is? 

Sigh...this year I want to get rid of all the doubts and insecurity so much. And also maybe make this year my final year as a teacher. Although that is fucking scary as well, because then what? 

Well, first I need to just enter this year and see what comes of it. And if I really can't manage it, then maybe it is really time to just stop.

(But man, I already miss this holiday so much: the amazing weather, the freedom, THE FREEDOM!) 
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Ever since this weekend, nothing seems to make sense anymore. Everything feels different, weird, off. I am constantly feeling my soul/spirit isn't connected to my body. I feel I'm not connected to the world. I have a constant panic rushing through my body, I feel empty. Sometimes it feels like my head is about to explode, other times I'm freaked out about stupid things. I didn't feel any real emotions when I visited my sister and niece, everything felt rushed. I've been in a rush since Saturday and I don't think it stopped? I can't put my finger on my feelings, I just know it sucks. I don't know what happened to me all of sudden, hate to be in this feeling though, not knowing how to make it go away.

So...today we FINALLY had a real Spring day with sunshine and nice temperatures. It was warm and just wonderful! Was waiting for this for too long!

Then...work...yesterday they had 4 people coming over who applied for the job. They picked the girl that can only just start on April 19th. My boss walked up to me this afternoon, casually, asking me if I had heard the news. And then he told me, how happy they were the found someone etc..."So...yeah...April 19th, okay?"

And I just stood there, kept my mouth shut for a bit, trying to think what I'd do or say. And then I just blurted out how I was not okay with it. Told him he should have never asked me anything in the first place, if all I could answer was a "yes" anyway. That it made me feel extremely unimportant and ignored. He didn't understand and it took me a good 5 minutes to get through to him. He still couldn't explain to me why I was the only one who could do this. He tried, but they were all lame answers. Eventually he told me that I pretty much was the only one of our team who could do this. Seriously? There work like 20 people in this school, and they all actually suck at their job? You're really just saying that? He also said he couldn't even do it! WTF? Really now? Lame, lame excuses!

I've got so much on them now though, they owe me SO much this time! They now know they can't actually just mess with me, that I will from now on speak my mind.
Luckily, another colleague overheard my conversation with my boss and was totally on my side. She also said "If you're asking something from someone, you need to prepared to get a no for an answer and deal with it".

To top it all, this other colleague, who has no class to teach but apparently seems to have this other, extremely important function, was bitchy about my back today as well.
School photos were taken, and since I know teach 4(!) different classes, they all asked me to take a group photo with them. So he to take over my class for like 20 minutes or so. He told this other colleague he didn't understand why all that was necessary, was bitchy towards the kids etc...Seriously....you have to teach 20 minutes and you bitch about it? I'll confront him with it tomorrow.

So...basically it's another whole month I'll have to do this crap shit. Which means a whole month full of nights with fucked up sleep, stress etc...

What I don't understand is...how can you just feel good about yourself knowing that someone is not doing too well. How can you be so ignorant about it? Never a "gosh, so sorry to hear this, is there anything I can do to make it at least a little better for you?". But only a "deal with it" answer. I just don't get it. But boy does everyone owe me BIG time this time. And never EVER again this crazy stuff.

So...today at work i had a talk with my boss. Since one of my colleagues is leaving, it means I won't have to teach her groups on Wednesday anymore. Meaning I will only teach kids on Thursday and Friday, and have two days left to do other things. I'm still working on this schoolproject, but sooner or later it will come to an end and then what? I just had a funny feeling about it, so I decided to have a little chat with my boss about it. Normally I would just shut up about it, but I decided it was time I stood up for myself.
I told my boss I didn't want to get the feeling they kept me for 2 days, only because they had to, but they didn't really have anything to do for me. But he just told me that wasn't the case at all. they still have loads of little projects waiting for me and in the near future he's even looking for someone who can guide little groups of kids. A bit like a Remedial Teacher, but a bit different. An option I very much like, even better than teaching. I just love working with little groups of kids who need some extra help and all.
So..we'll have to see how things go and work out. But for now things are solved.
I won't be working full time anymore, something I didn't want to. I hardly could keep up with it last year, so four days is just great.

So..maybe this year won't be that bad at all. You never know what will happen of course, but so far i have a rather good feeling about. Which means a lot to me. :)