Well I know it's just a spring haze

 Five weeks ago I was enjoying the first day of a 5 week holiday. Tomorrow will mark the end of it again, sadly. On Monday I'll prepare my classroom for a new school year, write lesson plans etc...and that will continue on Tuesday and Wednesday as well (hopefully I'll be able to keep Thursday and Friday free)

I have so much anxiety over it, a whole year of working full time. What if I can't do it? What if I fail? What if I turn out to be this horrible teacher who does it all wrong? How will I survive working 5 days a week? How will I manage everything else? I try myself that this isn't till forever, but even a school year sounds too long right now. And I now I make everything bigger inside my head and that it's useless because I don't gain anything from it, but stress and anxiety. 

I just wish what my purpose in life really is. I wish I could do something that I really love and feel that I am good at. But I am, sadly, also this person who finds it very difficult to think she's really good at anything. I really wish I could truly believe in myself, even this year and just say 'fuck it' to everyone else. I need to remind myself every day, every hour that what other people do, isn't necessary the only right way of doing it. But oh god, that's something I find so hard. When out of 30 people, 29 tell you that what you do is not really okay, how do you keep on believing it is? 

Sigh...this year I want to get rid of all the doubts and insecurity so much. And also maybe make this year my final year as a teacher. Although that is fucking scary as well, because then what? 

Well, first I need to just enter this year and see what comes of it. And if I really can't manage it, then maybe it is really time to just stop.

(But man, I already miss this holiday so much: the amazing weather, the freedom, THE FREEDOM!) 
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/277414.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

It would be nice if I would be able to be just okay with myself. Not always get so upset with myself, or angry. Not always notice everything I do wrong, or could have done differently, but compliment myself. Not constantly judge myself. Be proud of myself. Happy with myself. If even I can't love myself, then who will? 

What makes it so much harder is that I often have no clue whatsoever what really defines me and that when I try to figure it out, there are millions of voices inside my head all saying something else, all trying to be heard. Maybe acceptance of myself is the first step? No matter what happens, allow it to happen, be okay with it and not reflect on it too much in a negative way? I really want to be okay with myself, no matter what. I think it would make my life so much more pleasant. 

Last night had another intense talk with my colleague. She finished her mindfulness therapy and I asked her how she was doing. She told me she had just entered another depression days before, so that it was hard. And then we talked. She told me how as a child she used to be extremely sensitive but then at one point she decided to just shut that part off. And in one of the therapy sessions they did an exercise in which she truly felt herself again with all her sensitivity. And I told her that it hit home with me, because when I was about 19 years old I completely shut that part off myself as well. And have been doing so ever since, but always, constantly feel my life is incomplete. But there is also this big, big part of me that is still not loving herself at all, is never kind to herself, always blames herself for everything.

 

And while I still think it’s still not a real depression I’m in (because I can still get up every morning and don’t cry over just everything etc…) I do think I am at a point in my life in which I need to find myself back. Real soul searching. Be truly okay with who I am and no longer deny myself any longer. Because that’s what I’ve been doing pretty much all of my life. I want to be able to handle friendships again, do things beside work and enjoy them. Now everything feels too much. I can’t handle friendships much when they require a lot from me, or I feel trapped or…

I just need to find a way how. I already find it hard to just talk about it, because I always, always try to say “it’s not that bad”. Or I’m scared people won’t understand, tell me to just shut up and go on with life. It always feels safer to just keep things to myself.

Today at work, while on a break, I overheard my boss talking to someone. He talked about this colleague of mine who's cut hours at work months ago because she couldn't handle it anymore. She's on sick leave the rest of the time. He said how he couldn't understand how she couldn't manage to just work when she had so few children in her class and no problem children either. He couldn't understand how she could have visited some kind of counselor for over 12 years and still hadn't progressed much. He talked about how her daughter is already the same and how the whole family is actually just weird.
He said some more, but couldn't hear it all, and also can't remember it all. But I was upset though. Because I didn't expect it from him, but also because he's just not honest about everything.

This colleague, like me, is an HSP. She's very sensitive, maybe more than me. She struggles with life now though. Work isn't the issue, life is. But it affects her work. You can't see anything on the outside, which makes it hard for people to understand.
What gets to me though, is that my boss doesn't understand either, but isn't honest about it. He tells her one thing, but then, apparently, talks behind her back and blames her.

Most people I work with love to work. Love to be busy. They often express how you shouldn't complain, just do things without thinking too much about it. They often express themselves in a way that makes it sound like they are right, about everything and that when you don't agree, there's something wrong with you.
They often tend to judge things they can't understand, though never really tell in your face.

Anyway...it left me confused. Because what will he then think of me? Does he also say those things about me, because I'm sensitive as well, have said how I get overwhelmed easily etc...And I find it so unfair of him. At least be man enough and say to this other colleague where you stand and how you feel. Don't give them some fake comfort.
It also makes me feel weak. Don't show your sensitive side or you will be judged.

I'm so confused I can't even think straight. Should I talk to him and confront him with what I overheard? I just don't want to be the one and only person, again, who speaks her mind. Makes me feel so alone in all of this.

Ugh....