And so my life is...

[prettygoodyear]

Last night had another intense talk with my colleague. She finished her mindfulness therapy and I asked her how she was doing. She told me she had just entered another depression days before, so that it was hard. And then we talked. She told me how as a child she used to be extremely sensitive but then at one point she decided to just shut that part off. And in one of the therapy sessions they did an exercise in which she truly felt herself again with all her sensitivity. And I told her that it hit home with me, because when I was about 19 years old I completely shut that part off myself as well. And have been doing so ever since, but always, constantly feel my life is incomplete. But there is also this big, big part of me that is still not loving herself at all, is never kind to herself, always blames herself for everything.

 

And while I still think it’s still not a real depression I’m in (because I can still get up every morning and don’t cry over just everything etc…) I do think I am at a point in my life in which I need to find myself back. Real soul searching. Be truly okay with who I am and no longer deny myself any longer. Because that’s what I’ve been doing pretty much all of my life. I want to be able to handle friendships again, do things beside work and enjoy them. Now everything feels too much. I can’t handle friendships much when they require a lot from me, or I feel trapped or…

I just need to find a way how. I already find it hard to just talk about it, because I always, always try to say “it’s not that bad”. Or I’m scared people won’t understand, tell me to just shut up and go on with life. It always feels safer to just keep things to myself.