prettygoodyear | Entries tagged with sad

Christmas holiday has just started. The beginning of 2 weeks filled with a lot of freedom. But also the end of an era: my boss and his wife finally waved goodbye today. We had been building up to this moment for weeks now and planned a lot of fun things to do. But I'm never good with saying goodbyes. Ever. I found it hard when I was young and switched teachers and still find it hard to say goodbye to people that were such a big part of my life for basically 1/3 of my life. I know that eventually something else will return in its place, but I just always need my time with changes and goodbyes.

This is a thank you video made by 2 colleagues that was shown today. I think I work at a wonderful school with wonderful people.

And now it's time to relax, clean all the things at home and just enjoy my freedom for a bit.

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/281020.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Mood:: sad

Tags:

end of an era,
sad

…about losing Timmie is that the last time I saw him was 2 weeks before his death while I was taking care of him while my parents were away for a few days. I rushed my visits in the morning because I had to go to work, but also rushed it at nights for no real reasons. And I still feel so fucking guilty about it, not having cuddled him loads. I petted him, I did, and I talked to him, like always, but I should have taken my time to do so. I never had a proper goodbye or cuddle. It's eating me up inside. He was old, and sick and I just didn't give him enough love and attention and now he is dead and I won't ever be able to cuddle him and tell him I love him.

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/258235.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Mood:: restless

Tags:

Seventeen years ago my mom and dad announced that we would get 2 kittens. One for my sister and one for me. They were brothers and we decided to name them Timmie and Tommy. I remember the day we picked them up: 2 tiny balls of fluff. Tommy, my sisters cat, was curious and instantly walked towards us, Timmie, my cat, was shy and anxious.

They adjusted quickly to us and the house and enjoyed being together a lot. They'd climb your legs when they were about to get fed, they slept together, ran up and down the stairs a billion times etc…They were 2 amazingly wonderful cats, who we all loved dearly.
Then seven years later Tommy died, unexpectedly. I won't ever forget how his brother just stared at us, lost. Most heartbreaking thing.
But he adjusted and was pampered and loved a lot, still. I moved out of the house, to an apartment, and Timmie stayed with my parents. I often watched him when they went on a holiday and he was always just there.

He got older and older, he became deaf, he wasn't able to clean himself well anymore. Yet he was alive and often outside, enjoying himself.

This afternoon my mom showed up at work: she told me they had put him to sleep that afternoon after taking him to the vet. He hadn't eaten anything that day and the vet told my parents he was supposedly in quite a great deal of pain. It was up to my parents what they wanted to do and they decided to let him go. Which was the best decision they could have made. But still so extremely sad as well. Because holy shit, I've known him for half a lifetime. He was quite something. It's another chapter closed and it's sad. I won't ever have to look over him, I can't ever cuddle him anymore. I know it's for the best, but it is still so, so sad. :'(

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/257797.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Mood:: sad

Tags:

death,
sad

So the only bookstore we had in town that mattered and sold English books, closed down last weekend. Unexpected as well, though maybe not so much. It upsets me so freaking much. Now where do I get my books? I went there pretty much every week, I watched how their collection got weaker and weaker, but hey, bookstore! And now it's gone. Along with all those million other stores in town. We basically only got clothes stores and electronic stores left. Sigh.

I live in such a stupid city! People living here don't give a shit about books, music, more expensive shit. We're stuck with ordinary, impersonal stores. This past weekend I visited a bookstore located in a church. It wasn't just a bookstore, it was also a music store, a café and also a tourist information building. It seems to work. It looked stunning. Why can't we have something like that over here? Why did no one prevent this bookstore we had from closing? I'm sad…

I don't like online shopping, try to avoid it as much as I can, but with all the good stores closing down I'm kinda forced. Sigh…

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/256010.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Mood:: shocked

Tags:

Holiday flew by way too quickly. Going home already again tomorrow. My soul and mind are having a conflict together. Holidays should last forever. Life shouldn't be so complicated and restricted. Poo.

Mood:: sad

Tags:

irish blues,
sad

En dan ineens zit je weer even terug bij af: bang en angstig, heel erg laag zelfbeeld en een wereld om je heen die vijandig en eng aanvoelt. Het gevoel te hebben heel hard weg te willen rennen, je te willen verstoppen. Frustratie alom, maar vooral heel veel angst.

Vanmiddag uit school bleek een buurman ineens de straat rond te gaan. Actie voeren? Iets anders? Ik weet het niet precies. Feit is dat hij mijn huis oversloeg. Misschien omdat het leek alsof ik er niet was? Dat kan heel goed natuurlijk. Maar ergens is er de angst dat dat niet zo is. Dat de hele buurt stookverhalen van de buurvrouw heeft gehoord. Etc...Etc...
Ik voel me meteen klein en nietig. En waarom? WAAROM? Waarom laat ik me leiden door mensen die ik niet ken, die mij niet kennen en ook de moeite niet lijken te willen nemen? Waarom laat ik mijn buurvrouw nog steeds boven mij staan? Waarom haal ik mezelf naar beneden, vind ik het zo belangrijk om aardig gevonden te worden? Terwijl ik ook niet heel veel moeite doe om in contact te komen met de buurt. Geen behoefte aan ook. Toen ik nog op de flat woonde, was het contact zo anders, zoveel makkelijker. En waarom toen wel en nu niet? Was het toen ook gewoon anders? Ik betrek altijd alles meteen op mezelf, maar is dit wel iets van mij? Wat moet ik er dan mee? Ik baal er vooral van, want al de hele avond voelt alles vervelend, rot en eng aan. Zo'n gevoel weer als dat ik ook had toen ik hier net woonde: onveilig en heel bang. Waarom lukt het me ook niet om gewoon in mijn kracht te staan? Om het los te laten? Ik probeer het, maar die knoop in mijn maag blijft zitten. Waarom haal ik mezelf zo naar beneden en focus ik me op dingen die ik niet zeker weet, op mensen die ik niet ken en vooral: op negatieve zaken die ik honderdduizend keer uitvergroot?

En dan vandaag op school...ook dat zit me natuurlijk hoog. Want als het tegen zit dan werk ik na de vakantie ineens weer twee dagen in de middenbouw in plaats van in mijn eigen groep. Ik heb kennelijk niet genoeg op mijn strepen gestaan, vooral ook weer door die grote hoeveelheid schuld. Ik kan wel janken. Heb het vandaag op school ook gedaan. Voel me ook daar ineens heel alleen, onbelangrijk.

Het zijn ook dit soort momenten dat ik gewoon dood wil. Maar tegelijkertijd is daar dan ook meteen de angst, want dan krijg ik vast en zeker deze shit nog duizend levens lang. Maar ik wil even niet meer. Weglopen, dat is natuurlijk wat ik wil. En dat is ook niet goed.

Ik voel me in elk geval even flink klote en kut. Zou het liefst heel hard naar huis hollen, nou ja, naar mams en paps. Daar ben ik dan veilig. Ik ren dus weg voor alles en lijk de confrontatie niet aan te durven gaan. Hoewel...meteen zegt er ook een stemmetje dat dat niet waar is: kijk eens hoe ik op school al wel vaak voor mezelf op kom.

Het is allemaal zo verwarrend. Wat moet ik hier in deze straat, met deze mensen? Ik geloof dat dat me nu nog wel het meeste van slag maakt. En waarom nu precies? Mooie vragen voor Emil eigenlijk.

Bah. Ik wil weer blij zijn en me fijn voelen. Alles voelt nu zo anders, zo niet echt en onnatuurlijk en vooral onprettig aan.

:'(

Mood:: scared

Current Music:: Ode To My family - The Cranberries

Tags:

I think I actually don't care for it anymore . I did for so long, but I don't anymore. I'm not designed for friendships, ha. Or, I don't get the golden rules or just don't like them much, haha. Maybe it actually works this way: people only calling you when they want something from you. I dunno...maybe I always expected something from a friendship that can never be reached because it doesn't work that way. If that's the case though, then I'm not interested in it. I always wanted to have a friend who showed real interest in me. Not only when I asked for some friendship time, but also just because they would really care. I've asked for friendship time too many times, but I can't be bothered anymore actually. It's too confusing as it is anyway, so I think I'm going to be perfectly happy with just myself. I will have a chat with people every now and then, but I will never ever expect anything from anyone again. Ever. Expecting something from someone is like poison really, cause it's not fair to expect anything from anyone. That's so selsh even.
I dunno...maybe I see it all wrong, well, so it be. This is my journal, so let me vent. Do i feel sad? no not at all even. Hurt? Yes, otherwise I wouldn't write this down I guess. But I've decided today not to care for it anymore. It's not worth it, people are not worth it and those so called friendships are totally not worth it. If you wanna talk to me: go ahead, I may not always talk back though. If you want something from me: just ask, but expect to get a no for an answer. If you think you're a friend, think twice, we call each other friends too soon anyway. Even when we only have a cup of coffee together, we like to call each other friends. It's a dangerous word, lol.

Am I bittered? No, I may sound like it through this post, but i'm not. Not at all even. I just made up my mind, only to protect myself for a change. Allowing yourself to get hurt once is painful, but allowing yourself to get hurt over and over again is just plain stupid, lol.

Does this post sound cruel? Maybe so...but then again, it's my livejournal, i'm allowed to post whatever the fuck I want in here!

And who knows, maybe five years from now i'll see the light and notice what it was i did wrong all the time, or what i refused to see. Until then: I'll just handle it my way, ha!

Mood:: determined

Tags:

yeah yeah yeah...made a promise that I would stop complaining so much and write negative thoughts down. But yeah, since I still feel shit, it's hard to write down happy thought, heh.
omg...I feel so numb still and scared and worthless. It still feels like I'm trapped in my own life somehow. And I can't put my finger on it. Don't know what to change, what I expect, what I actually feel.Thoughts of death have entered my mind so many times now. I don't wanna live anymore, I can't handle it anymore. I don't wanna be in this place anymore, where people can't see who I really am, where people just run of instead, where nothing is real, where I can't be just me. I hate this goddamn world, how the fuck am I supposed to enjoy it when there's nothing to enjoy really? And there's nowhere I can go with my thoughts, cause not a single person actually listens. Fuck those great bullshit stories saying how strong I am, what good does it bring me anyway? Nothing. I wish, for once, people would enter my life and listen to me, and share thoughts and show themselves and sincere friends...

Mood:: exanimate

Tags:

depressed,
sad

I feel totally empty right now...my house if a goddamn fucking mess, I wanna make a beautiful card for my mom, I have to do this and that and i just feel numb...can't stay focused on anything. Work was like a living hell today, at 1 o'clock I was just so tired...everything seems to be too much right now. And the thing is...once you feel down, and things aren't go the way you wan't them to go, you're feeling more down etc...etc... downward spiral...blah

Mood:: blah

Current Music:: Weeping Rock, Rock-Múm

Tags:

December 2019

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Well I know it's just a spring haze

...waiting for sunday to drown...

Entries tagged with sad

The end of things

What upsets me the most...

A cat named Timmie

And then there were none...

Going home tomorrow

No. Dutch.

(no subject)

(no subject)

fuck

December 2019

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