prettygoodyear: (Ireland - Ireland)
I don't think I've ever cried as hard upon arriving home as I did tonight. And not because I was happy to be back. Dear mother of god I miss being in Ireland so fucking much. I miss just about everything: The pace of life, the space, the quiet, the energy, everything. Returning home gets harder and harder. 
prettygoodyear: (Ireland - Torc mountain)
Holiday flew by way too quickly. Going home already again tomorrow. My soul and mind are having a conflict together. Holidays should last forever. Life shouldn't be so complicated and restricted. Poo.
prettygoodyear: (Ireland - Torc mountain)
Arrived in Killarney, Ireland on Wednesday. Was welcomed by rain, of course. I got the apartment I also stayed in in 2010, with fabulous views. Yesterday was a fabulous day with loads of sunshine, today it has been on and off: sunshine and then out of the blue heavy showers, blocking every bit of mountain view and then 5 minutes later everything has cleared again. If I had shitloads of money I'd buy this apartment, get me a personal driver who can drive me anywhere I want and just be happy.
I have no clue about dates and days anymore since I am here and as always I could stay here forever and ever, in this happy, comforting, safe bubble.

Yesterday I rented a bike, never felt more right to ride on the wrong side of the road. Maybe because I'm a natural lefty, but it felt natural. Took the bike to Torc mountain, which is about 7km from town. I used to hike there, but I wanted to get to the top of the mountain, so cycling would make that an option. Getting to the top of Torc mountain, meant you had to walk through a valley first, following the old road to Kenmare. Barely a soul to be seen there, no cars, no buildings and most of all: no sounds. Well, beside the sound of a streaming creek and waterfall. Amazing. Climb up the mountain was harder than I thought, but the views were well worth it.

Still got a few more days to go here, but they'll go by quicker than I want to. Will be enjoying every minute of it!
prettygoodyear: (Ireland - Torc mountain)
Ik dagdroom weer vaak van Ierland de laatste tijd. Van appartement #13 in Killarney. Ik wil zo graag terug, daar zijn. Zitten aan het raam, de bergen zien, de mensen zien, het weer zien veranderen. Niets moeten. Heel veel lezen. Gewoon zijn. Ik wil niet meer werken, stress voelen om dingen die niet belangrijk zijn. Ik wil niet meer op de automatische piloot door het leven wandelen, zonder echt te genieten. Ik wil foto's maken van de herfst in Ierland. Ik wil mijn ziel weer terug vinden. Vrijheid voelen die ik zo mis. Weekenden en vakanties die te kort aan voelen. Leeg voelen van binnen, zo ontzettend leeg. Ik wil terug naar thuis. Naar die ene plek waar ik me zo meer dan thuis voel, waar mijn ziel zich oplaat. Thee met melk drinken.

Ik heb heimwee, zo'n ontzettende heimwee. En ik ben mezelf weer even zo ontzettend allemachtig veel kwijt. 
prettygoodyear: (Ireland - Torc mountain)
Eight years ago I had just entered my second month of my three month trip to Ireland. Traveling through county Cork. Three months felt forever back then. I was having the time of my life while also extremely homesick a lot of times.
I've kept my journals from then and read them from time to time. I often miss it. The freedom, the traveling. Even though back then I found it so hard so many times. And at the same time enjoyed it so much. I still can't believe it's been eight years already. Some moments and images seem to have happened just yesterday.
And now it's been three months (minus a week) ago when I left for a holiday to Ireland. These three months flew buy so quick. It can't have been three months already. When I look at pictures I'm still there. I still want to be there.

Also...happened to download a free mp3 from Last.fm. Icelandic music. Never heard of the artist. Was touched by the song, ended up downloading two albums. Fantastic, beautiful, quiet, soft music that touches the heart. Reminds me of home, wherever it is. Needed it and recommend it. Name is listed below in music section. One more reason to travel to Iceland one day. A country that seems to be so in touch.
prettygoodyear: (Ireland - Torc mountain)
Four weeks ago, four! weeks ago already I arrived in Killarney. Arrived in this amazing wonderful apartment with the most amazing views. Four weeks ago I arrived home. Bizarre. Really. It can't have been four weeks already. Then again...oddly enough, the final school day is so clear to me, like it happened only just days ago. Ireland...it feels so long ago, and at the same time I can't believe it's been so long already. One of these odd time tricks.
Anyway...so yeah...four weeks ago I had just arrived. God...the excitement I felt, but also the absolute solace and peace. I still wished I could have stayed there longer, so wasn't ready to go home just yet.

I still find it incredibly hard to feel at home again in my own house. I still miss the space and views. I miss seeing a good thunderstorm approaching, I miss watching these amazing sunsets. Ugh...and just a few days and then it's back to work again. Back to teaching again. Teaching all these classes I don't want to teach anymore. Give me my own class and I'll be fine. Sick of being all over that place. Sick of feeling like a failure teacher on the days I don't teach my own class.

Would it not be nice to have enough money to not worry about it anymore. To be able to buy that little house with loads of space and views. To be able to work for fun, not because you have to in order to live and survive.
prettygoodyear: (Ireland - Torc mountain)
Tow weeks ago, minus two days, I hopped on a plane to Ireland. Last night I arrived back home again. Sadly.

When I arrived in Cork on the 12th, I took a direct buss to Galway. The weather was being nice, though about 10 degrees cooler than what I was used to, maybe even more. Cold enough. The bus ride was long, but lovely. The driver of the bus had the radio on and was talking about the big car accident that happened in Donegal the night before. I enjoyed the views and towards the end of the afternoon I arrived in Galway. Hostel I had booked was located right next to the new bus station, which was wonderful. I had booked a room for myself, which was alright, though views were somewhat limited. As I had to get up that day at 4.30 in the morning I was too tired to do much the rest of the day and went to sleep early.

On my second day I decided to explore town a bit. It was a grey day, but still dry. Went to Eason to look for books, but didn't buy any. Walked to Salthill and then back, because it started to rain a bit. Decided to go back to this one tiny, but lovely bookstore in the mall to read a drink a bit, only to discover it had closed. Bankrupt. It was one of many things I noticed had changed in those few years I hadn't been back there. I felt that the bits and pieces of Galways I had fallen in love with, were not there anymore.
It also turned out that it was The Galway Arts Festival while I was there, but I somehow completely missed it though...

On my third day I decided to take the buss into Connemara. To Clifden to be exact. Lonely Planet wasn't too sure what to say about it, but it was the easiest to get to. And since the weather didn't look to promising that morning...
The bus ride of course was stunning. Fog everywhere, then rainclouds too. But the more closer we got to Clifden, the more blue the sky turned. And when we finally arrived there it had stopped raining and there was some sunshine to see. I decided to just go for a walk. No idea where to go, but I soon came across a road sign that pointed into the direction of a beach or hills. Decided to go for a beach walk. Wasn't too long a walk, about 2 km I think. But lovely all the way. Had great views along the way and it was just absolutely quiet and sunny. Sat down on several places just to sit, take in the view and enjoy the quiet. Even had tea outside a small restaurant before I headed back into town. All of a sudden 2km seemed like a long, long walk because it started to rain out of nowhere and I got soaking wet. I was SO cold. When I arrived back in Galway I got changed into warm clothes and hit under the blanket for hours to warm up.

On my final day in Galway I decided to see the Cliff of Moher again. Was also excited to see the Burren again, but sadly, didn't get to see too much of it because the weather turned for the absolute worst, lol. Although when I arrived at the Cliffs it was actually dry. But cold. Oh so, so cold and windy! I also couldn't believe how everything had changed there for the worst. High blocks blocked you from getting close to the edge of the cliffs and thus also blocked some of the views. Really a shame.

And then on my fifth day I left Galway to go to Killarney. Was a bit anxious about, since Galway turned out not to be that exciting anymore. But as soon as the Kerry mountains showed up I felt like I was coming home again. Killarney hadn't changed much at all. In fact, the carnival that was there two years ago, was there again at the same spot. Some things had changed, but for the better.
I had booked a one-bedroom apartment, but when I arrived I got a two-bedroom apartment instead. With a balcony on both sides of the apartment, windows all around and an amazing view. I think out of all the apartments there were, I got the best one.
The apartment had big, high window sills on which you could sit, which had great views.
I knew, when I arrived, it was going to be wonderful. And it was.
On my first night I got two see two rainbows (how Irish!).

I did another Ring of Kerry tour again, went to see Dingle again, but also visited Kenmare (which was nice!). Read loads of books, but most of all: felt so extremely at home there. I often woke up really early in the morning. First thing I saw were mountains. Then I sat next to the window and overlooked the street that slowly started to come to life. At night I watched the sun set, the mountains get dark, or invisible when it rained heavily.
I didn't even do much, but that was what made me enjoy it even more. I felt at home there. It was quiet there, spacious and just the views...

And so then I arrived back home again last night. I cried. It was the first time ever I found it so hard to leave. I wasn't ready yet to leave. Here everything is just dull. I miss the space and views. I really need my time to adjust.

prettygoodyear: (Top Gear  -journey)
So then one day you welcome the two week holiday, and then you all of a sudden have to say goodbye to it already. Next week another long weekend and then it's not till the second week of July before another holiday starts. At least I've got them, wouldn't really know what to do without them! Having these two weeks off was a bliss. I didn't even do that much, but as always, some time off from work always makes me more relaxed. More in touch with myself.

Next week I'll have a talk with my boss. In which I'll have to ask him to allow me to take on another study. To become a children's coach. I find it scary. One thing I've learned from my last visit to my counselor, was that I've always looked back on life, and especially anything that went wrong. I base my future on the past. I base my future on the feeling of not being worth anything, not being good at anything. I base my future on fear. I WANT a change, I NEED a change. But as always, I already think it won't work out, I'll get a no for an answer, I will suck at it. So I want to just not take any action at all. Which then means nothing changes. And things HAVE to change. So I will have a talk with him and be confident. I need to step out of the past and get me a future full of things I love and like and need. No more fear. No more "expecting the worst". Only "I can do this" "I deserve this" and "I'm good at this" from now on. For 31 years I denied myself, my existence. It's hard to just change that behavior, and approve myself. But I'm worth a good life. I'm worth good changes.
But fuck is this scary!

Ah yes...and Ireland. Exactly two months from now I'll be in Ireland. My final day in Galway even. I was SO excited when I booked the vacation in January. How was I supposed to know Tori decided to do a mini-tour? I'll miss London, Bloemendaal even Dublin. I can't believe that for the first time since I missed her first tour after I got into her music, I might miss out on one again. I'm still hoping another show will show up, after I get back from Ireland. A show that I might be able to make it to, hopefully with someone else! Still excited about Ireland though! Still very happy to go back there!
prettygoodyear: (Wondering)
Ik kijk nog steeds ontzettend uit naar mijn vakantie. Die dus pas over zes hele maanden plaatsvindt. En tegen die tijd denk ik dan ook ongetwijfeld weer heel even "Hmmm...nee, ik wil niet!". Maar nu...nu kijk ik dagen achtereen foto's van Ierland. Word ik blij en gelukkig. Kan ik niet wachten om er te zijn, rond te lopen, alles weer in te ademen. Wil ik mijn rijbewijs hebben om zo met eigen auto rond te kunnen rijden. Maar ik onderneem nog steeds geen stappen, want het blijft nog steeds eng. En dus gebeurt er niets. Komt er ook nooit een vakantiehuisje daar. Maar wil ik op bepaalde plekken komen, dan is een auto toch echt noodzakelijk. Nou ja...vast wel ooit. Nu droom ik vooral veel over Ierland en voel me blij. Ik ben al blij omdat ik over Cork kan vliegen in plaats van Dublin. Ik verheug me op Galway en de kranten. Op kleine, belachelijke dingen. En ik moet nog heel lang wachten. Heel, heel erg lang.
prettygoodyear: (Default)
Awww....this song I'm listening to right now has SUCH an Irish feeling to it, that I miss Ireland so much!!!
That country is just so wonderful and beautiful and magical and I was lucky enough to live there for 3 months. And ever so often I long for that country again.
I should really go back there in 2005. Really, really should. Go visit all those magical placed again, plus some places I haven't been to yet.

Aah...Ireland...I <3 you

It's funny btw, ever since I was there, I feel attached to that country. Can hear if it's an Irish song whenever a song is on, I can see it's Ireland whenever they show random documentaries on tv, or place pics in magazines, know it's an Irish book when seeing a title or name. Isn't that silly? Or no, maybe that's just purely beautiful actually.
prettygoodyear: (Default)

December 2019

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