Well I know it's just a spring haze

So it's been a reeeaaaallllyyyy long time since I posted a real entry. Not counting the 'end of year meme', the last one dates from well over a year ago. It's not that nothing happened since then, it's just that I had no energy to write down my thoughts in a way that made sense, at all.

So what has happened since then? In March 2017 I entered a rehabilitation program for people who have had cancer. I didn't *really* start until June that year, but had intakes from March on. All in all I took part in it for 6 months, 2 months longer than normal. It was tough. Tough because I had zero energy, and my mental state was well off. They offered mental health support there as well, but sadly, not very helpful. I had a psychologist who did not seem to be able to see how I was doing mentally. It made me doubt myself a lot, and often times I thought I was crazy, because nothing seemed to make any sense.

On top of that I lost my job as well, and not in a nice way. After working for the organisation for 15 years, I was let go because I hadn't recovered quickly enough from the cancer treatments. And after 2 years they are legally allowed to sack you. If that wasn't bad enough, it was all done in a very impersonal way. I got a cheap bottle of wine and that was it. The head of the school I worked at for 15 years didn't even give me a hand or anything. Nothing. Needless to say it didn't help my recovery, mentally.

At the end of my rehabilitation, I got a new psychologist. She managed to understand me a lot better and in the end managed to refer me to a mental health facility in my local hospital. The waiting list was about 2 months, and in January of this year I had an intake with a psychologist and psychiatrist.
The intake was supposed to take about 2 hours max., but took 3 hours. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did there. I also don't think my anxiety was as high there as it ever was. After 45 minutes with the psychologist, she went to get the psychiatrist. Within 5 minutes she mentioned the possibility of being submitted. She was worried for my well being. It made me ugly cry, because if anything, being submitted was something I wanted to prevent at all costs. She explained though that I suffered from severe depression and that she wanted to submit me in order to give me some time off. In the end we agreed to allow me to go home, but I would have to start a program there.
Being diagnosed with severe depression came as a shock to me. Even though I wasn't doing well at all, in my mind things weren't as bad as they thought it was. Depression was when you wouldn't leave your bed at all, and wanted to kill yourself. I didn't want to be alive perse, but wasn't suicidal either. And I still managed to go out and do stuff.
But after the intake, it was as if my entire body and mind could finally let go. I had several panic attacks and eventually ended up staying with my parents for several nights because I was scared to be on my own.

Currently I'm in therapy and on anti-depressants. I was on anxiety medication as well, but managed to quit it a while ago. The meds do indeed help, I've got more focus and I'm also able to express myself again, instead of talking slowly and forgetting words. Things are not as dark as they used to be and I see now that I was really at rock bottom. But things are not 'fine'. My self-esteem is still quite low. I still, often, feel like I'm not really here, that I'm watching my life go by from a distance. The fact that it's three years since I last worked isn't helping much either. Feels like I'm failing life and am a loser. And while being in therapy is good, I often feel I don't belong there. Because other people have much worse problems than me, because nothing seems to change. The thought that I can't be helped is still very much present. And I'm often scared that one day they will indeed tell me that this is it.

Anyway...three weeks ago I went to Ireland again. First holiday in almost 2 years. I went there for 2 weeks, because a week felt too short. Turned out that 2 weeks was too short as well. Because it took me a long, long time to just enjoy myself, to let go of the thoughts that I HAD to do something. Anyway, some pics:



The colourful town of Cobh.



I stumbled upon this deer while walking through the national park.



Muckross house and jaunting car.



Colourful boats



Derrycunnihy church



Ladies view



Bike on boat trip through all the lakes, which took 1,5 hours. I met a lovely Canadian/American couple with three of their children with whom I had a lovely chat.



Eventhough I've been to Killarney many times now, this was a route I hadn't been to before. This is looking back at the Macgillycuddy reeks, Irelands highest mountains.



Derrycunnihy woods. Full of old oaks, covered in moss.



Upper lake and the reeks, again



Derrycunnihy cascade.

More pictures: https://photographicdreams.nl

 I have just arrived home again after a long travelling day. As always, it's weird being back home again, especially since it feels like I have been away for months. The vacation in Ireland was just all good. Apartment was lovely. Weather couldn't have been better if it wanted to. I did a lot of things I wanted to do. I took the train out to Tralee and back again for instance, which turned out to be a blissful experience (and cheaper than the bus as well!), I hiked out to Blennerville from there, about a 4k walk. Enjoyed the sun, the warmth and just the overall scenery. I rented a bike twice, once to visit the Gap of Dunloe, and once to visit the Muckross part of the national park. Both times were amazingly nice. I love riding on the wrong side of the road, it always feels more natural somehow, but maybe that's because I'm a born lefty. I walked the streets of Killarney, a town I love so much ever since I first set foot there back in 2002. 

I love how laid back this country is, even though they have it rough. People still have jobs we no longer have because we let machines take over. I love how there is no rush, a bus can leave 5 minutes later. Need to get off somewhere that isn't a busstop? No worries, just ask and it happens. I love how they don't just say 'thanks', but always add 'a million' to it. I just love the language in general. And I love, love the quiet. Only 4 million people in a country 1,5 times the size of ours, while we have got over 17 million people living in it. 

I also met some lovely, interesting people and while I'm no people person at all, these meetings were nice. 

I now should get a much needed sleep and then try to adjust to my life here again. I'll miss the views when waking up. 


This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/273523.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

An update from Ireland. I have arrived! Upon arrival it was dry and nice, but not much later is started to rain, a lot. Yesterday was kinda dramatic, but today was lovely really. Went for a walk through the park, on the wrong shoes (I still have no idea why I left my best shoes at home). My feet ached so much and I had blisters everywhere, but still managed to hike for a good 15 kilometers. I took lovely photos, of which I'll post a few here:



I'm having a wonderful time here again so far. Purchased 3 books already for so much less than I would have paid back home. One of many reasons to ♥ Ireland. All in all really happy to be back here again!

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/273121.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Hopefully, in less than 2 weeks, this will be my view again for a week:


I am much excited about it and extremely looking forward to it! Returning 'home' again for a week ♥ If I ever have a lot of money, this is the place I want to have a house and live in. But for now, a holiday will do. And oh, the bookstores! The bookstores! I am looking forward to it a lot! 

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/272048.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Arrived in Killarney, Ireland on Wednesday. Was welcomed by rain, of course. I got the apartment I also stayed in in 2010, with fabulous views. Yesterday was a fabulous day with loads of sunshine, today it has been on and off: sunshine and then out of the blue heavy showers, blocking every bit of mountain view and then 5 minutes later everything has cleared again. If I had shitloads of money I'd buy this apartment, get me a personal driver who can drive me anywhere I want and just be happy.
I have no clue about dates and days anymore since I am here and as always I could stay here forever and ever, in this happy, comforting, safe bubble.

Yesterday I rented a bike, never felt more right to ride on the wrong side of the road. Maybe because I'm a natural lefty, but it felt natural. Took the bike to Torc mountain, which is about 7km from town. I used to hike there, but I wanted to get to the top of the mountain, so cycling would make that an option. Getting to the top of Torc mountain, meant you had to walk through a valley first, following the old road to Kenmare. Barely a soul to be seen there, no cars, no buildings and most of all: no sounds. Well, beside the sound of a streaming creek and waterfall. Amazing. Climb up the mountain was harder than I thought, but the views were well worth it.

Still got a few more days to go here, but they'll go by quicker than I want to. Will be enjoying every minute of it!

5 more weeks till Ireland. Received my open road bus pass last week by mail, which got me excited. Allows me to travel 4 days by buss all through Ireland if I want to. It's cheaper than buying day tickets. It also allows me to get on the bus at the airport and take the touristy route to Killarney. Had 2 dreams about Ireland since receiving the pass. First one was me getting on the buss and never arriving at the destination, taking detours etc...though it didn't matter much as I knew I'd get there eventually. Last night had another dream. Was in Dingle with my sis, Decided to jump off the bus we were on so I didn't have to walk all the way back to this amazing spot. Walked the streets of an unknown village which looked gorgeous, spoke to an Irish man who knew Dutch. And was about to take a cable ride up a hill for stunning views, but realized I forgot to bring my camera and clouds were blocking the view. So told my sister I really wanted to return there again and if she was okay with it. I guess that's where I woke up.

Anyway...4,5 more weeks till the Summer holiday, 5 more weeks till my holiday. Past few weeks involved school camps. First one happened 2 weeks ago, which was tiresome. Was a 30+ km bike ride with the kids and at one point I fell with my bike and got one big, massive bruise on my leg, a smaller one, a sore thumb and a scratched arm. Fun! Yesterday went on my second camp (though went home late at night) which was tiresome as well. Now all that is needed is to write the reports and make sure the farewell party for a dear colleague of mine will go alright. Stressful to organize it and I am certain it's not something I'm good at or enjoy. Too much of a control freak for it. Final stage of school is happening right now though, which is good.

One more day to work. Two more nights. And then I'll hop on the plane again to the ever beloved Ireland. Back to Kerry, to Killarney. A place I love to call my home away from home. I place I love dearly. I first set foot in Killarney in 2002, during my 3 month trip through Ireland in 2002. From the moment I arrived there, explored the national park, wandered around town, I felt at home there. I've been back there many times since and it never bores me, always feels like coming home again. I'm sure I've lived one of my past lives happily there. I hope this trip will be as nice as all other trips. No computer there, loads of books. I can't wait! 

Ik dagdroom weer vaak van Ierland de laatste tijd. Van appartement #13 in Killarney. Ik wil zo graag terug, daar zijn. Zitten aan het raam, de bergen zien, de mensen zien, het weer zien veranderen. Niets moeten. Heel veel lezen. Gewoon zijn. Ik wil niet meer werken, stress voelen om dingen die niet belangrijk zijn. Ik wil niet meer op de automatische piloot door het leven wandelen, zonder echt te genieten. Ik wil foto's maken van de herfst in Ierland. Ik wil mijn ziel weer terug vinden. Vrijheid voelen die ik zo mis. Weekenden en vakanties die te kort aan voelen. Leeg voelen van binnen, zo ontzettend leeg. Ik wil terug naar thuis. Naar die ene plek waar ik me zo meer dan thuis voel, waar mijn ziel zich oplaat. Thee met melk drinken.

Ik heb heimwee, zo'n ontzettende heimwee. En ik ben mezelf weer even zo ontzettend allemachtig veel kwijt. 

Stomach flu seems to have left my body. Was feeling loads better yesterday, though still weak in the knees. My appetite is non existent still though, still some nausea here and there and just not in the mood for big food. Even certain smells make me feel sick, still. But it will pass. I lost about 2 kilos overall though, which might be a plus, but I'll probably just gain it back as soon as I start eating normal again. Shame.

My dad and I might go to Ireland together next Spring. We might even just rent a car there so we can explore bits of Ireland I haven't seen before. I'm excited, but also quite nervous. Because when I was there with my mom 5 years ago it was a disappointment actually. Up to the point be both didn't enjoy it anymore. I was upset back then because the things I loved, she didn't share so much. I'm absolutely scared the same might happen when I'm there with my dad. Last time we went on a short holiday together, we also ended up not really enjoying ourselves. Of course Emil has learned me loads, but yeah...fear is still there. Nothing has been booked or planned so far though and it's still far away, but yeah.

It's all about communication, I know that, but it's mostly just the fear for myself. Because what if it does go wrong...then it just means I can't handle people at all whatsoever. Not even my own family.

For days, if not weeks I kept checking all these Irish sites, even planned my journey and then today decided to just book my holiday. I'm so excited, even though it will be my *counts* 5th time going there! Can't wait to enjoy the scenery and am already praying for nice weather. It will be an 11 day holiday and will go back to Galway and Killarney, and from there just travel around. Will only just leave 6 months from now, but it's something to look forward to! Weeh...so happy to go back there again, have been having all there Irish dreams the last couple of months, didn't go on a holiday last year and now I just will! Too bad traveling alone is expensive though, but oh well. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!