prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear  -journey)
So it's been a reeeaaaallllyyyy long time since I posted a real entry. Not counting the 'end of year meme', the last one dates from well over a year ago. It's not that nothing happened since then, it's just that I had no energy to write down my thoughts in a way that made sense, at all.

So what has happened since then? In March 2017 I entered a rehabilitation program for people who have had cancer. I didn't *really* start until June that year, but had intakes from March on. All in all I took part in it for 6 months, 2 months longer than normal. It was tough. Tough because I had zero energy, and my mental state was well off. They offered mental health support there as well, but sadly, not very helpful. I had a psychologist who did not seem to be able to see how I was doing mentally. It made me doubt myself a lot, and often times I thought I was crazy, because nothing seemed to make any sense.

On top of that I lost my job as well, and not in a nice way. After working for the organisation for 15 years, I was let go because I hadn't recovered quickly enough from the cancer treatments. And after 2 years they are legally allowed to sack you. If that wasn't bad enough, it was all done in a very impersonal way. I got a cheap bottle of wine and that was it. The head of the school I worked at for 15 years didn't even give me a hand or anything. Nothing. Needless to say it didn't help my recovery, mentally.

At the end of my rehabilitation, I got a new psychologist. She managed to understand me a lot better and in the end managed to refer me to a mental health facility in my local hospital. The waiting list was about 2 months, and in January of this year I had an intake with a psychologist and psychiatrist.
The intake was supposed to take about 2 hours max., but took 3 hours. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I did there. I also don't think my anxiety was as high there as it ever was. After 45 minutes with the psychologist, she went to get the psychiatrist. Within 5 minutes she mentioned the possibility of being submitted. She was worried for my well being. It made me ugly cry, because if anything, being submitted was something I wanted to prevent at all costs. She explained though that I suffered from severe depression and that she wanted to submit me in order to give me some time off. In the end we agreed to allow me to go home, but I would have to start a program there.
Being diagnosed with severe depression came as a shock to me. Even though I wasn't doing well at all, in my mind things weren't as bad as they thought it was. Depression was when you wouldn't leave your bed at all, and wanted to kill yourself. I didn't want to be alive perse, but wasn't suicidal either. And I still managed to go out and do stuff.
But after the intake, it was as if my entire body and mind could finally let go. I had several panic attacks and eventually ended up staying with my parents for several nights because I was scared to be on my own.

Currently I'm in therapy and on anti-depressants. I was on anxiety medication as well, but managed to quit it a while ago. The meds do indeed help, I've got more focus and I'm also able to express myself again, instead of talking slowly and forgetting words. Things are not as dark as they used to be and I see now that I was really at rock bottom. But things are not 'fine'. My self-esteem is still quite low. I still, often, feel like I'm not really here, that I'm watching my life go by from a distance. The fact that it's three years since I last worked isn't helping much either. Feels like I'm failing life and am a loser. And while being in therapy is good, I often feel I don't belong there. Because other people have much worse problems than me, because nothing seems to change. The thought that I can't be helped is still very much present. And I'm often scared that one day they will indeed tell me that this is it.

Anyway...three weeks ago I went to Ireland again. First holiday in almost 2 years. I went there for 2 weeks, because a week felt too short. Turned out that 2 weeks was too short as well. Because it took me a long, long time to just enjoy myself, to let go of the thoughts that I HAD to do something. Anyway, some pics:



The colourful town of Cobh.



I stumbled upon this deer while walking through the national park.



Muckross house and jaunting car.



Colourful boats



Derrycunnihy church



Ladies view



Bike on boat trip through all the lakes, which took 1,5 hours. I met a lovely Canadian/American couple with three of their children with whom I had a lovely chat.



Eventhough I've been to Killarney many times now, this was a route I hadn't been to before. This is looking back at the Macgillycuddy reeks, Irelands highest mountains.



Derrycunnihy woods. Full of old oaks, covered in moss.



Upper lake and the reeks, again



Derrycunnihy cascade.

More pictures: https://photographicdreams.nl
prettygoodyear: (tv - Top Gear  -journey)
Monday morning marked the beginning of a new working year. As stated previously, I didn't look forward to it. In fact, anxiety was extremely present. It's not a new feeling, because I experience it always: after a weekend, after a holiday, always. It all started back in college, whenever I had to do training periods. Before that, just going to school, I never felt any anxiety of returning back to school, mostly even looked forward to it. But ever since college and the training periods, I experience anxiety.

For the longest time I wondered why, because once I'm back at work it's never as bad as I had pictured it in my head, I mostly even enjoy myself. So what is it? I think I figured it out: getting back into the working life means I have to proof myself, there are things expected from me, things I'm not sure I can live up to. I always fear that I let people down, that I don't perform as well as I should. Holidays and weekends are safe: I don't have to constantly live up to these expectations, I can just 'be'. I am not a perfectionist, or at least not 100% one, because I can say 'enough is enough', but in my head things are never good enough. I am not good enough. Making mistakes is the most horrible crime I could ever commit. I don't just experience this with my current job, but also when I have to take courses, when I took a drivers lesson etc...etc...

Anyway...this year I have my own class full time, with is an extra pressure, because what if they don't make as much as progress as they should, what if I don't do as well as I should, what if I can't handle teaching full time, etc...etc...

When I walked into the building this monday I was ready to cry, because I feared everything so much. But as the week went by, I started to enjoy myself more. Having my own class is wonderful, for instance. I can do whatever I want however I want without someone else telling me they don't like it. It felt nice. But yeah, that was a week without any children and parents. This monday I'll start, for real. And the anxiety is back. What if I don't make everyone feels at home? Are the things I prepared for the first day good enough? Will I be good enough? What if I let people down, forget things, make mistakes, etc...?

At least I am aware of it now, but I wish I could shake it off and not care so fucking much about these things. I wish I could be okay with making mistakes, because I will make them.

One day, maybe one day...

This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/277689.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
prettygoodyear: (seasons - Summer)
 Had a drink somewhere today. Sat next to the window, with a book. Sun was shining most of the time. I think I was there for a good 1,5 hours. Just reading, sipping from my drink, and often watch people below and outside go by. It's moments like those I cherish so much. Tiny, little and simple things but they make me feel alive and happy. Moments I never want to end, moments in which everything is relative, nothing matters much. Just be. I long for that, a lot. And somehow can't ever achieve that feeling at home.
prettygoodyear: (random text - time of my life)
Having a week off is again doing me so much good. Work seems to be from another life and the thought of having to go back next week is already freaking me out a lot.
Just the fact that there is nothing that has to be done is so calming. But also the fact I don't have to get up early in the morning, the fact that I can do whatever I want etc...

Been working a lot on my website. Discovered that Photoshop, without Image Ready, is still able to make animated gifs from videos. So been doing that a lot. Takes a lot of time, but I enjoy it.

Also went for lunch today. Had soup and some chicken sandwich. Took a book with me and just read for quite some time. Something that I also love.
Then tonight went to the sauna. Read some more, but also just sat down, listening to the soothing music they played and nothing else. Again: I love that so much. Just sitting down, thinking, feeling, to be. It's ever so important to me and miss it often when work calls. Even the weekends aren't long enough to really get away from it all.

And then Winter's approaching as well, which also makes me want to just stay inside and do as little as possible. This Saturday I'll visit a cousin of mine, and I don't want to. She's wonderful, but it means it's something planned, and right now I don't want anything planned. Then next weekend a friend of mine will come over for 2 days, another thing planned and another thing I want to skip so badly. But I've cancelled it too many times already.

Let me at least enjoy the days ahead of me in which nothing is required. Shame it's so short though.
prettygoodyear: (emotions - shut up!)
Three months ago I was in Ireland. More than ever now I just want to go back there, or just go back in time, whatever. Just want to be in that lovely apartment again in Killarney. Just want to sit there next to the window, overlooking High Street, while sipping from my tea and eating toast. I just want to curl up on the couch there while reading a good book. I Just want to watch the sky and mountains again, visit the park, sit on a bench. Walk around, breathe in nature and Ireland. Have tea in one of those lovely tea shops. Most of all: just be there and not do much because I don't have to. Be far, far away from the real world and all those people.

Ugh and really now, three months? Feels like yesterday, really.

Then again...Tori concert has been almost a week ago, which is also insane. Time is insane and gets more and more insane when you get older and your life enters some kind of stupid routine.
prettygoodyear: (Default)
So my dad is an architect. He loves art. Loves buildings and museums etc...My mom has also a great interest for it. When they are together they love to visit churches, museums and all sorts of architectural buildings. You would expect me to have developed such interest as well. But I don't. I don't enjoy museums at all. I'm a cultural barbarian for sure. The only two museums I do enjoy are those that are actually designed for kids and where you can just do stuff. Looking at paintings? Not my thing whatsoever. Sure, I love paintings by Marc Chagall, but just because I like the colors and themes in them.
I'm always amazed when people hop from one museum to the next in total excitement. I don't have it in me.

Same goes for history. I love living in my own past more than I live in the present. But world history with dates and such? It doesn't really hold my interest much either. Maybe if a subject appeals to me, but even then.

I remember my first real trip with my dad: we went to New York. He wanted to watch as many architectural stuff he could, I was mostly walking around in awe because OMGWTF I was actually in New York, the city I had seen in so many TV shows. I loved seeing the Empire State Building, The Statue of Liberty, but for totally different reasons he did. He wanted me to see SoHo, because of the style of buildings there. I didn't care for it much.

Nowadays when my dad and I go away for a day he's always surprised why I wanted to visit a certain city or town because when I'm there I don't actually want to do anything there.

That's because I just don't care for it. I care for the whole picture. Love to watch people, or just take in an atmosphere and vibe. Just walk around but also sit down for a long time and observe. I notice the little things, the ordinary things.

Besides all that I'm just not really a cultural person at all. I prefer nature, any kind of it, over anything else. When people ask me about my holiday trip, they always expect me to say I visited loads of cultural sightings. I always bore them with my "I walked around a lot and sat down a load and just took in space and nature". Oh...and visiting loads of bookstores, of course!

Anyway...point of this entry is...well...I guess there isn't a point really. I thought I was making one, but have forgotten now. Heh.
prettygoodyear: (Summer)
Went back to teaching my old class. Finally. Was a bit weird the first day, but felt great pretty soon. Teaching older children is definitely something that suits me better! Am happy to be back.

Yesterday we had a day away with our entire staff. Well...some didn't go in the end, but most of them did. Was an early start for a Saturday (had to leave at 7.45), but well worth it!
Instead of taking several cars, we took the bus to another location, which was extremely fun! We had a coffee and yummy cake there and then we had about 3 hours to ourselves, which was fun too. Then at about 2 o'clock we were supposed to arrive at a party boat (lol). Turned out we were going to play The Mole (we got divided into two teams, picked by play cards. One of each group was The Mole, but no one, but The Mole himself, knew who it was. His job was to sabotage the group and prevent them from getting coins. We had to do all sorts of fun challenges, one being to climb a cathedral tower (so many stairs it wasn't even funny!) and then do sign language with flags. Extremely fun! A lot of people had never heard of the game before, but everyone enjoyed it so much! Frustration all around, no one could be trusted anymore etc...

Didn't get back home till 10.15 at night. Today the weather is, again, nice and warm, though the sun seemed to have disappeared. I'm trying to clean up the mess in my house, but of course after each course, I need to take a break because I have no focus whatsoever!

And then just only 3 more days to work and then a long two weeks off! Excellent!
prettygoodyear: (crystal palace)
The days are getting shorter, darker and colder again. The final weeks before Christmas are here and as always these are the weeks I love to hide under a blanket, sip from a hot chocolate or coffee and reflect. It's always hard to drag yourself into work on a cold, dark evening when it's nice and comfy inside. Just 2,5 more weeks and then there's the x-mass break. As always, am looking forward to it loads.
Read today that someone my age lost both his parents in only 4 years time. The thought of having to lose my parents one day is a scary one. Of course they won't live forever, but somehow you imagine them to always be there. Just hope they will be around for many more years!
And it's already a week ago since I saw Emil the counselor. It was yet another interesting meeting and am so happy about the things he has given me in the past couple of months. Will go back to see him at the end of January, so that's quite far away. But that's okay.

Have to get ready for work now. Ugh. It's cold outside!
prettygoodyear: (Default)
Sometimes I feel like I'm a little bit autistic: I can't handle changes, not even the smallest. Things have to go the way I have planned them, cause if not, then I'll freak out a little bit, or get extremely tired, or get massive headaches. Today was one of those days. I planned to go to Amsterdam this afternoon with my family, which we did. I also planned on maybe buying myself a bigger tv, cause the one I had was just too small. I actually bought a bigger tv (which looks mighty great as well, now all I need to do is get my cable to work properly, cause apparently there's something wrong with it, cause a few channels won't show, or in a very bad condition). Anyway...we also went to Ikea and I bought a huge photo poster there to hang above my couch. It was a fun afternoon etc...etc...however....however...things went a little different than I planned. First my parent's came over too for a drink, which was nice, but which wasn't how i planned it. And I think I needed my alone time right that moment, cause shopping always leaves me totally exhausted and empty. Besides that my dad put my new tv in the living room and moved my old, tiny tv to my bedroom. which shouldn't be a problem, of course, but to me it is. I don't know...I just can't seem to handle small changes like that at all. I look at my new tv and think it looks great, but then again, I miss that old tiny tv of mine.
Aaaaaaaaaanyway...we also put the huge photo poster together, so now there's stuff lying all around me. And trust me: I'm not a neat person at all, but somehow I've been extremely neat the last couple of days. So...I just look around, and see that my mom did half the dishes, so there's still a little mess in the kitchen, and then I see all this stuff lying around me and I have no idea what to do with it right now. I'll move it tomorrow, cause then I can take it out, but right now it's just confusing me too much. It just looks way too chaotic at the moment.
Above all, I have a massive headache as well now.

And it sounds so incredibly stupid, but that's why I began this post with "Sometimes I feel like i'm a little bit autistic", cause I feel weird en upset right now, over NOTHING!
prettygoodyear: (Default)

December 2019

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