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prettygoodyearMonday morning marked the beginning of a new working year. As stated previously, I didn't look forward to it. In fact, anxiety was extremely present. It's not a new feeling, because I experience it always: after a weekend, after a holiday, always. It all started back in college, whenever I had to do training periods. Before that, just going to school, I never felt any anxiety of returning back to school, mostly even looked forward to it. But ever since college and the training periods, I experience anxiety.
For the longest time I wondered why, because once I'm back at work it's never as bad as I had pictured it in my head, I mostly even enjoy myself. So what is it? I think I figured it out: getting back into the working life means I have to proof myself, there are things expected from me, things I'm not sure I can live up to. I always fear that I let people down, that I don't perform as well as I should. Holidays and weekends are safe: I don't have to constantly live up to these expectations, I can just 'be'. I am not a perfectionist, or at least not 100% one, because I can say 'enough is enough', but in my head things are never good enough. I am not good enough. Making mistakes is the most horrible crime I could ever commit. I don't just experience this with my current job, but also when I have to take courses, when I took a drivers lesson etc...etc...
Anyway...this year I have my own class full time, with is an extra pressure, because what if they don't make as much as progress as they should, what if I don't do as well as I should, what if I can't handle teaching full time, etc...etc...
When I walked into the building this monday I was ready to cry, because I feared everything so much. But as the week went by, I started to enjoy myself more. Having my own class is wonderful, for instance. I can do whatever I want however I want without someone else telling me they don't like it. It felt nice. But yeah, that was a week without any children and parents. This monday I'll start, for real. And the anxiety is back. What if I don't make everyone feels at home? Are the things I prepared for the first day good enough? Will I be good enough? What if I let people down, forget things, make mistakes, etc...?
At least I am aware of it now, but I wish I could shake it off and not care so fucking much about these things. I wish I could be okay with making mistakes, because I will make them.
One day, maybe one day...
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/277689.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
For the longest time I wondered why, because once I'm back at work it's never as bad as I had pictured it in my head, I mostly even enjoy myself. So what is it? I think I figured it out: getting back into the working life means I have to proof myself, there are things expected from me, things I'm not sure I can live up to. I always fear that I let people down, that I don't perform as well as I should. Holidays and weekends are safe: I don't have to constantly live up to these expectations, I can just 'be'. I am not a perfectionist, or at least not 100% one, because I can say 'enough is enough', but in my head things are never good enough. I am not good enough. Making mistakes is the most horrible crime I could ever commit. I don't just experience this with my current job, but also when I have to take courses, when I took a drivers lesson etc...etc...
Anyway...this year I have my own class full time, with is an extra pressure, because what if they don't make as much as progress as they should, what if I don't do as well as I should, what if I can't handle teaching full time, etc...etc...
When I walked into the building this monday I was ready to cry, because I feared everything so much. But as the week went by, I started to enjoy myself more. Having my own class is wonderful, for instance. I can do whatever I want however I want without someone else telling me they don't like it. It felt nice. But yeah, that was a week without any children and parents. This monday I'll start, for real. And the anxiety is back. What if I don't make everyone feels at home? Are the things I prepared for the first day good enough? Will I be good enough? What if I let people down, forget things, make mistakes, etc...?
At least I am aware of it now, but I wish I could shake it off and not care so fucking much about these things. I wish I could be okay with making mistakes, because I will make them.
One day, maybe one day...
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/277689.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
