prettygoodyear: (Summer)
So yeah....yesterday I was upset over my neighbors and their stupid shit, today it's mostly the "I don't give a flying fuck!". It's refreshing really! Instead of keeping quiet, trying to make as little noise as possible so I won't annoy anyone, I just don't care anymore. I don't care if I keep to myself or not. I DON'T CARE! In their opinion I suck at life already so it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, which is such a relief actually! So in a way I should thank them for that, ha.

Anyway....let's also talk about the weather. Which as of last Wednesday is warm if not hot! Loads of sunshine and just nice temperatures! Summer has really begun! Yay!
prettygoodyear: (random - stressed backwards)
Had a day off today cause I swapped days at work with my co-worker. Was supposed to have a friend over, but she wan't sure she could make it and in the end I decided to call it off. Decided to bring my sister and niece a visit instead today. It was much needed and wonderful. I'm so much closer to my sister than I ever was. We talked about our lives and I felt so comfortable. Rosalie is wonderful too. She can't crawl a bit now, laughs a lot and is just so sweet and amazing. Hadn't seen her in over 3 weeks, but the minute she saw me she gave me the biggest smile. All in all I really enjoyed my day there and was sad to leave.

Something completely different: my neighbors all decided to find me weird, odd, cold and sneaky. All because I'm a private person, am quiet and don't shout and yell or show my face much. Instead of just trying to make contact with me (because obviously that's what they want!) they decided to gossip about me. I overheard them last night cause they were talking outside my window. I was pretty upset by it even though I didn't want to. I just don't understand people. At all. Someone isn't as outgoing as you are so that instantly means she's weird and not worth anything? Really? You don't even try to get to know me but base your beliefs on what other people tell you? Am I really that scary because I enjoy spending time alone? I just HATE that those people, who I've got nothing in common with, who don't even try to know me, get to me SO MUCH! I mean...I've got friends who like me for me, at work everyone thinks I'm okay, my family loves me. But I let them get to me. I should shrug it off, but somehow I can't.
It's moments like these I hate life so much!
prettygoodyear: (it would be nice if something made sense)
En dan ineens zit je weer even terug bij af: bang en angstig, heel erg laag zelfbeeld en een wereld om je heen die vijandig en eng aanvoelt. Het gevoel te hebben heel hard weg te willen rennen, je te willen verstoppen. Frustratie alom, maar vooral heel veel angst.

Vanmiddag uit school bleek een buurman ineens de straat rond te gaan. Actie voeren? Iets anders? Ik weet het niet precies. Feit is dat hij mijn huis oversloeg. Misschien omdat het leek alsof ik er niet was? Dat kan heel goed natuurlijk. Maar ergens is er de angst dat dat niet zo is. Dat de hele buurt stookverhalen van de buurvrouw heeft gehoord. Etc...Etc...
Ik voel me meteen klein en nietig. En waarom? WAAROM? Waarom laat ik me leiden door mensen die ik niet ken, die mij niet kennen en ook de moeite niet lijken te willen nemen? Waarom laat ik mijn buurvrouw nog steeds boven mij staan? Waarom haal ik mezelf naar beneden, vind ik het zo belangrijk om aardig gevonden te worden? Terwijl ik ook niet heel veel moeite doe om in contact te komen met de buurt. Geen behoefte aan ook. Toen ik nog op de flat woonde, was het contact zo anders, zoveel makkelijker. En waarom toen wel en nu niet? Was het toen ook gewoon anders? Ik betrek altijd alles meteen op mezelf, maar is dit wel iets van mij? Wat moet ik er dan mee? Ik baal er vooral van, want al de hele avond voelt alles vervelend, rot en eng aan. Zo'n gevoel weer als dat ik ook had toen ik hier net woonde: onveilig en heel bang. Waarom lukt het me ook niet om gewoon in mijn kracht te staan? Om het los te laten? Ik probeer het, maar die knoop in mijn maag blijft zitten. Waarom haal ik mezelf zo naar beneden en focus ik me op dingen die ik niet zeker weet, op mensen die ik niet ken en vooral: op negatieve zaken die ik honderdduizend keer uitvergroot?

En dan vandaag op school...ook dat zit me natuurlijk hoog. Want als het tegen zit dan werk ik na de vakantie ineens weer twee dagen in de middenbouw in plaats van in mijn eigen groep. Ik heb kennelijk niet genoeg op mijn strepen gestaan, vooral ook weer door die grote hoeveelheid schuld. Ik kan wel janken. Heb het vandaag op school ook gedaan. Voel me ook daar ineens heel alleen, onbelangrijk.

Het zijn ook dit soort momenten dat ik gewoon dood wil. Maar tegelijkertijd is daar dan ook meteen de angst, want dan krijg ik vast en zeker deze shit nog duizend levens lang. Maar ik wil even niet meer. Weglopen, dat is natuurlijk wat ik wil. En dat is ook niet goed.

Ik voel me in elk geval even flink klote en kut. Zou het liefst heel hard naar huis hollen, nou ja, naar mams en paps. Daar ben ik dan veilig. Ik ren dus weg voor alles en lijk de confrontatie niet aan te durven gaan. Hoewel...meteen zegt er ook een stemmetje dat dat niet waar is: kijk eens hoe ik op school al wel vaak voor mezelf op kom.

Het is allemaal zo verwarrend. Wat moet ik hier in deze straat, met deze mensen? Ik geloof dat dat me nu nog wel het meeste van slag maakt. En waarom nu precies? Mooie vragen voor Emil eigenlijk.

Bah. Ik wil weer blij zijn en me fijn voelen. Alles voelt nu zo anders, zo niet echt en onnatuurlijk en vooral onprettig aan.

:'(
prettygoodyear: (desolation winter)
Last Summer, yes, last Summer, when Judy ([livejournal.com profile] liveindreams1) came over for a visit, I ran into my neighbor, who I didn't greet. Again...last Summer people!
She's the kind of person who has an opinion about things and when you don't live up to that opinion, you suck at life.

So...I got back home from work this afternoon and there was a note that said a parcel had been delivered at her house. I walked over there, smiled and said "You've got a parcel for me?" She looked pissed and grunted and then handed me the parcel. And then she said: "Can I ask you something? Who do you NEVER greet me?" Yes, really, she said never.
I, of course, was speechless for a second. Then told her "Huh?" and then said "Well, as far as I know I always greet, but there may be times I don't because I don't see anyone to greet. It's not that I do it on purpose or anything." And she went on and on about how I treat her like trash, never greet her etc...
So I asked her why it upset her so much, to which she responded with "Because it's just weird...and...and.." So then again I told her "Well, it's not on purpose. Something I'm just daydreaming and then I don't always notice what's going on around me. But again...not on purpose." But she still went on and on. How she thought it was just disrespectful of me, etc...etc...To which I replied "Well, I've told you a couple of times now I didn't do it on purpose, and as far as I can tell it happened only just once. But maybe more times that I'm not aware of then. But you now act as if I did something terrible!" When she then went on again, I told her "Well, if I may so, I think you don't treat me with any kind of respect now as well. I told you three times how I don't do these things on purpose, but you keep on going. I'll go home now." Which she got angry about and then said "Well, sure, now you walk away."

Back home I could seriously cry and went over to my parent's house. My dad was home and I cried for a good 5 minutes. Because seriously...I didn't greet her ONCE? Like...months ago? She needs to make a fuss over it, needs to tell me I'm a horrible person? Because she also likes to state how she thinks it's weird I like alone time so much, she likes to tell me how she finds it weird I go on a holiday on my own etc...etc...
I'm not like her, I'm a private person, so I'm no good?! Of course she's told all the neighbors about me as well, but whatever.

Right now I'm mostly just pissed off. Because when you're different, when you're not outgoing, you are stupid. Live and let live, for crying out loud!!!!!
prettygoodyear: (Default)
will there ever be a home for me where I'll feel happy and comfy? Right now I feel like I'm sharing a house with 4 other families...they bounce upstairs, and yell and scream downstairs and it's just like they're actually IN my apartment. I never feel totally comfy here because of all the noises and i wonder how long I'll have to live her and if I'll ever find a home with not so much sounds and noises from the neighbors...
I'd love to be able to have a two story house..with a garden and thick walls in between my neighbors...so that at least no one will leave above me and underneath me...it may seem a small problem, but to hear them talk, take shower, smell what they're cooking, smell when they have been smoking, hear when they are having sex...well...no thank you...it's just fucking me up..i can't stand all those noises at all...

So..i'm just crossing my fingers that something will come along...a house I can afford to buy...I have it all pictured in my head..but i'm scared to think it will be my new home...cause i'm scared it will be another disappointment...I had my hopes up so hight with this place and so far it never felt like home...just a place i wanna run away from...all those people around me...they freak me out

I'm so weird...anyway...within now and not too long I wanna get some signs..some signs to tell me what will happen next and what to do...
prettygoodyear: (Default)

December 2019

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