Well I know it's just a spring haze

...and then I'll have my life back for a week. Working fulltime is going alright, but I miss me-time. I miss the quiet, the freedom, the long weekends. I have to be on all the time, and I feel that I get lost, I'm not as in touch with myself as I used to be. I understand now how people see their job as an escape, because you have to focus on only just that, but it's not for me. I am someone who enjoys the little things the most: the skies, sunshine, staring into the distance, doing nothing etc...I miss that now. Weekends are too short to really get back to that, I haven't read a book in weeks, which sucks, but I just can't even focus on anything much, except watching TV or surf the web. My world feels very limited: it's work, work, work now. Even when it's weekend, it's still in my head and I need time to adjust from it all and by the time I do that, I have to get ready for work again.

I don't want to sound like a debby downer here, because this is just an experience and it doesn't have to be till forever, but I just had no idea what an impact this would have on my life. I just realize that teaching, or any job I think, won't give the life fulfillment pleasure other people get from it. I am really happiest when I am outside, in nature having all the freedom in the world. That is what really defines me. That's when I feel most alive. And right now, having worked 6 weeks fulltime, I feel detached from myself and it's not a nice feeling.

Three more weeks though, and then it's Autumn break.

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Happiness…

I was reading old diaries of mine. I keep one since the age of 12. I think it was near the end of 2003 when my thoughts and feelings got darker and darker. There were moments of joy, but I found it hard to fit into this world. Things got worse when I moved out of the house into my apartment at the end of 2003. I think that every entry was about me being confused about life, work etc… Of course I also tend to write down my thoughts more when it involves a stressful situation, and keeping an online journal also often prevented me from writing in my physical journal. But still. For over 10 years now I seem to struggle with the same things: a feeling of not belonging here, a need for freedom.

( more ramblings this way )

I know the only right decision would be to quit this job and do something I love. I hope to be able to do just one day soon. (I still wish the idea of a basic income for all, of which you could live off without a job would become reality for all one day soon. It would make life so much easier for so many people and in the end would benefit so many things. For more info: http://www.globalincome.org/English/Global-Basic-Income.html)

Let me end this long post with a song, one of my favourite songs of all times:



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I have been feeling stressed out for far too long. Last night was another night in which I couldn't get any sleep till well after 2 a.m. For the longest time, years actually, I've been thinking about cutting my work hours. Skip working Monday and only work Tuesday evenings + Wednesday till Friday. I never got through with it, because I had no idea what my new income would be etc...And it would also be a hassle, and what would people think?

Fact is: I don't live to work. I work because I have to pay the bills. Work is not my passion, never has been. I envy those people who love their job and can't get enough of it, it's just not me.

The janitor at my school is a cool guy who I hang out with a lot. He's turning 60 this year and told me he want to cut his working hours. He found an online tool that helps you calculate what your income would be working certain hours. I decided to check it out today, after experiencing yet another night of little sleep and lots of panicky feelings. Working a day less will allow me to still earn enough money to get by on. I have to be a bit more strict with my money, but that's fine. I can pay the bills just fine and then also have money for food and if I do well, savings and some extra's. In these times of recession, where people sometimes are in need of money and work I'm thinking about cutting my hours.

Will I be doing exciting things on my days off? No, but it allows me to be a bit more stress free, it allows me to breathe and just live life. See my nieces more often etc...I know a lot of people don't get wanting to get paid less money each month, cutting your hours. But it feels right to me. I can afford it and I really think I should. Inform my boss and just get on with it.

Scary though, for some reason.

After 5 weeks of blissful holiday, it's all back to normal again. Last week was preperation week, which was only 2 days. But this week it's back to teaching again. Weather is depressingly depressing also, which makes the summer seem like something that never happened (and basically, summer actually didn't happen much cause the weather sucked most of the time). This week autumn decided to arrive. Like, not even quietly but full force: storm, rain, lots of it and so cold! And it isn't even autumn yet. Sucks. 

Work is...work really. Lots of stuff already to worry about, had my first night of insomnia already again (yay...). Kids behave well so far, but we'll see how long it will last though, lol. 

And I often forget to update my journal. Which I don't like. But as soon as I try to make an entry, I give up halfway because I didn't know what I was trying to say. Sigh. 

I need sunshine. And warm temperatures. Because this weather is depressing and not doing much good to my mood! :-/