Last Thursday I heard that this Tuesday my oncology nurse Antoinette wouldn't be there to see me due to family circumstances. I was devastated, because the need to see her and talk to her had never been more high. I understood though, and hoped that we could soon set up an appointment.
Then this Saturday I got mail from the hospital. All sorts of appointments for june 30th with loads of people and also an appointment with a nurse, but not Antoinette. I freaked out. Would she still not be there by then? How will I ever be able to get through the rest of this road without her, how will I be able to deal with everything without her?
This morning I called the hospital. She won't be there until at least the middle of July, or at least not frequently. The receptionist was kind enough to send Antoinette a mail, to ask if and when she would be able to see me, but my hopes are very, very low at the moment.
And I don't know how to deal with all this. Just a few weeks ago she promised me I could see her more often, could even call her and she would listen. And now she's not there. I understand why, really, but my feelings don't.
Back in my life I've been hurt and disappointed by a lot of people. Promises being made and never kept. It's all coming back again. I've developed trust issues, I don't let you in easily. But when I do, it means I trust you. I trust Antoinette, which makes this all the harder to deal with. Not again.
I really hope I'll be able to see her and talk to her soon, and not somewhere in August. Because I don't want to enter another stage without her, I won't, and I can't. But I also understand that this can't be postponed for so long. I also know that August, for my wellbeing, is too far away.
Then this Saturday I got mail from the hospital. All sorts of appointments for june 30th with loads of people and also an appointment with a nurse, but not Antoinette. I freaked out. Would she still not be there by then? How will I ever be able to get through the rest of this road without her, how will I be able to deal with everything without her?
This morning I called the hospital. She won't be there until at least the middle of July, or at least not frequently. The receptionist was kind enough to send Antoinette a mail, to ask if and when she would be able to see me, but my hopes are very, very low at the moment.
And I don't know how to deal with all this. Just a few weeks ago she promised me I could see her more often, could even call her and she would listen. And now she's not there. I understand why, really, but my feelings don't.
Back in my life I've been hurt and disappointed by a lot of people. Promises being made and never kept. It's all coming back again. I've developed trust issues, I don't let you in easily. But when I do, it means I trust you. I trust Antoinette, which makes this all the harder to deal with. Not again.
I really hope I'll be able to see her and talk to her soon, and not somewhere in August. Because I don't want to enter another stage without her, I won't, and I can't. But I also understand that this can't be postponed for so long. I also know that August, for my wellbeing, is too far away.
