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prettygoodyear1. What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before?
This year still contained a lot of firsts. I was submitted to the hospital for the first time in my life. I received magnesium transfusions, got EPO injections, got an iron transfusion. It was also the first time I had a real operation, with narcosis and everything. That operation gave me neuropathy, which was also a first. I got 9 tattoo dots, which was also the first time I got tattooed. It was a year in which I underwent radiation, also a first. I also visited the aftercare centre next to the hospital for the first time, which resulted in new contacts etc…I’ve also have oedema treatment, which is also a first, I didn’t even know what it was before all this. Another first is that my income dropped with 30% because I’ve been ill for more than a year. I’ve also learned how everything works when you’re ill for so long, learned that our healthcare system isn’t that great after all.
I also got hormone treatment, quit it, then started another. It has been an intense kind of year full of firsts. Oh! And I also hold a snake for the first time EVER!
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t really make resolutions, but I hope to drop another 15 kilos or so the next year. I lost a lot of weight during chemo and would love to lose some more. Some of the weight has been creeping back to me and I really want to get rid of the fat, being able to eat more healthy again.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No. A co-worker did, but we’re not that close. Best friend of my sister gave birth as well, but we’re not that close either.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yeah, Frits the cat died this november. I’m still devastated. Also, Judy, which is still so surreal.
5. What countries did you visit?
In september I went to Ireland for a week. It wasn’t as blissful as I had intended, but it happened! Also went to Germany, twice, but only for a day.
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
The obvious answer would be: a better health. But my health is better than it was a year ago. I’m currently dealing with oedema, but it’s manageable. I don’t know, but I’ve managed to adjust to everything. I do like to have more calm in my mind and life. There is currently a lot of work related stress. I also have a difficult time dealing with all that has happened. It wasn’t all bad, but I’m also not the person anymore I was before. I feel like I’m lost and stuck, and at the same time still in the same place I was before the cancer.
7. What date from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Januari 8th was the day I was submitted to the hospital for the first time ever. April 28th I had a meeting with Antoinette, my oncology nurse, which was the first time we spoke as equals and resulted in a lot more ‘casual’ meetings. May 10th was when I was having my first real operation. After which I spent 2 nights in the hospital due to terrible pain. May 17th was when I learned I won’t have my own class to teach anymore, and had to find out by reading the minutes. June 16th was the day I had an appointment with Antoinette, which turned out to be special, because she wasn’t actually seeing any patients that week, because her dad had just died. But she wanted to see me, because, well, because it was me. June 30th was the first round of radiation. August 9th was the final day of radiation. The entire 6 weeks between this dates are actually one of the best weeks of 2016: the weather was blissful. A lof of wonderful people joined me on trips to the hospital. And on days I went on my own, I walked to the hospital and back, drank coffee outside in the sun. I don’t know: it was a rhythm, a way of life I adjusted to so well, it was nice. July 25th was when Antoinette met me outside, told me to wait so she could meet me. During her lunchbreak we walked back to her office, which was nice. September 19th - 26th was my week in Ireland, which was a weird, emotional week. October 7th was my final day at V3.3. I had been there since the end of august 2015 for so many weeks, received my chemo and immune therapy there. It was a weird, emotional day. I still miss some of the nurses there a lot.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I managed to adjust so many times to so many disappointment. I managed to stay alive. I faced a lot of my fears this year as well. I did so well this year and should feel so proud of myself, and the way I handled so much.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Still feeling so much guilt, still trying to please so many people, still doubting myself so much. If I look back at this person, and the past year, I just want to hug her and tell her how great she is, how lovely, how wonderful. I’ve been so hard on myself during everything this year, and I still am. “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you…”
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Well, yes, cancer. Neuropathy also happened, low blood levels were quite normal the first quarter of this year. I’m currently experiencing a cold, which is nothing compared to the rest. I’ve also developed oedema, which I get treatment for.
11.What was the best thing you bought?
Ticket to Ireland. New MBP. A lot of books, which I haven’t read 1 of so far. But hey: books! All this cups of coffee in the hospital and before my train rides to the hospital.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My own. My parents, for dealing with a very ill daughter. My sister, for being this wonderful person who has to deal with so much of her own. And of course Antoinette, who helped me stay sane this year, who managed to always say the right things at the right time, who made me feel heard and seen. There was also Frank, nurse at V3.3, who made me laugh so many times this year.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
It’s more the bureaucracy of it all. Being as ill as I was is no little thing, but the aftercare is dreadful. There are so many rules to follow, which cause so much stress. It should be differently, I’m sure it would help my recovery so much if there wasn’t a deadline attached to it.
I also don’t understand what this world has come to.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Health care, and bills, bills, bills.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going back to Ireland. The end of chemo. Trip to the south of my country with my family. Meetings with Antoinette.
16. What song will always remind you of 2016?
“It’s happening again” by Agnes Obel. It will probably remind me of this cancer for the rest of my life, but man, this song is so beautiful and perfect on so many levels. There are a ton of other songs that will remind me of this year, because I listened to them so often on the train to Zwolle. New album by Agnes Obel, new album by Radiohead are just 2 of them.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder?
I don’t know. I thought I would be a lot happier now, but there is so much happening still, and my mind can’t comprehend it all, so it’s very confusing at the moment. It just goes from one feeling to the next.
ii. Thinner or fatter?
A bit fatter, sadly. Chemo was wonderful for one thing: lack of appetite. Hormone therapy is the opposite, sadly.
iii. richer or poorer?
The same I’d say. Which is an accomplishment, given my salary is reduced by 30%!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Enjoy the moments that were given to me. I’ve been too busy too many times by looking back and forward, and thus forgetting to live in the moment. I’ve also worried too much about too many people, still. Still trying to do the right thing, and ignoring myself.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Eating. There was a time, last year, where I wanted to be able to enjoy food again, and to be able food. But now I wish I could just lack appetite again. Because it’s making me fatter again, and also unhappy.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent the first day of Christmas with my family over at my sister’s house. We all made some dishes, which we devoured in less than an hour. Holy shit! Second day of Christmas I spent with my best friend. We had left-over food for dinner, a cheap desert, we played silly games and laughed so much it hurt. It was blissful!
21. How will you be spending New Years?
My parents came over, we watched/listen to the final hours of the Top 2000. I was not feeling too well, coughing a lot, but it was nice.
22. Did you fall in love in 2016?
No. Will I ever is the question for 2017.
23. How many one-night stands?
none
24. What was your favourite TV program?
This was the year of Netflix. I binge watched so many shows! Stranger Things, The OA, Black Mirror, Happy Valley, The Fall, Broadchurch, Orphan Black.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is a big word, but I dislike my boss a lot more, because of all the things he did and didn’t do.
26. What was the best book you read?
I haven’t been able to read a single book. I bought loads, but my mind wasn’t able to keep its focus.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Bless Spotify. Not really albums perse, but I discovered a lot of lovely songs. I love the new albums by Radiohead and Agnes Obel.
28. What did you want and get?
A good year. A new MacBook Pro, a trip to Ireland.
29. What did you want and not get?
Better self-esteem, more love for myself.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Yeah, no, I don’t watch movies that often. None made a big impact on me it seems…
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I celebrated it for 4 days. On Friday took my nieces to the carnival at school. On saturday my best friend came over, on Sunday my parents came over and I got a small tree as a present from my colleague, then at night went for dinner with my parents, after we walked around the nature reserve here. I couldn’t finish my plate. On Monday I had a big round of chemo and baked 2 pies with my mom for all the staff there.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more
satisfying?
Less bureaucracy. Less fear for the unknown. People who actually listen, and not just pretend and most of all: people who fucking try to help you out, instead of telling you “let it go” over and over and over again. Seriously, Frozen was my theme song this year.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?
Casual, but nice. Pants and dresses and sometimes a skirt.
34. What kept you sane?
Antoinette. Without a doubt. She kept me sane this entire year and she doesn’t even know how important she really has been. Warm summer days were also helpful.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Trump? Like, really? And then also Brexit, and everything else that seems to be going on at the moment. WTF is going on with the world?
I’m personally, currently, involved in a battle with healthcare and also work instances. I’m very passionate about it, because again: wtf is going on?
37. Who did you miss?
Frits, I still miss him so fucking much. I miss his warm body next to mine at night, his purrs, his paws. I miss his breathing, his jumps on my bed. He helped me deal with everything so much and it’s been so quiet now.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Corine. She doesn’t think she’s all that great at how she can help people, but she is. She’s to the point and direct, which is perfect for someone like me.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016:
You’re so much stronger and braver than you think you are. We’re capable of handling so many things we never thought we would be able to. But you do. You keep on breathing, keep on going, one day at a time, one step at a time.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“I swear it is true
The past isn’t dead
It’s alive, it is happening
In the back of my head
No future, no past
No laws of time
Can undo what is happening
When I close my eyes”
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