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prettygoodyearI had my final round of radiation today. Almost 6 full weeks I had to go to the hospital daily. I managed to adjust to it as well again, managed to find a routine in it, a rhythm. A lot of times I was joined by people who wanted to escort me to the hospital, which was quite nice. I got to know those people on a different level, they got to know me on a different level. They also got a peek into my world, everyone was allowed inside the radiation room with me while they prepared me. Each and every time one of the assistants would take the time to explain everything to each and everyone who joined me.
Sometimes I went to the radiation on my own, which was also quite nice. I always had my routine, always tried to sit outside in the sun with a coffee for a bit. I even walked a couple of times from the station to the hospital, which was meditative in a way.
Six weeks ago I wondered how I'd manage 28 rounds of radiation, just like I wondered how I'd ever survive chemo. But I did. I managed to embrace the entire ordeal once again, just like I managed to embrace the hospital, the staff there and a lot of other things.
Today was the final round. Another thing has come to an end. I have to let go of something that I started to get adjusted to once again.
A year ago I wanted to move the time forward, wanted it all to be over. And now the end is nearing and all I can do is cry. I still don't understand what happened this last year. I still can't fully comprehend the intensity of it all. Chemo became the new normal, just like radiation did. It's not normal to undergo those kind of treatments, but for some reason my mind can't wrap its head around it and accepted it as the new normal.
It's fascinating how you're able to adjust to whatever you're in, how you can grow fond of something that is so ugly and terrifying.
People congratulate me with the fact that radiation is now over and done with as well, that the end of everything is near. And I can't share in their excitement. Because I am scared. My life is not the same as it was before the cancer, and currently it's quite safe and simple. How can I adjust to a normal life again, and what is that? Who am I? What has happened? How can I even begin to truly feel the intensity of it all?
Seven more weeks of immune therapy and then it really is done. It's freaking me out so much and I can't even begin to explain to people why and how it feels. I feel weird about it, about myself, about feeling the way I do. I year ago I wanted nothing more than to get well again, and now I just find it so very difficult to let go of what was. Because...?
Sometimes I went to the radiation on my own, which was also quite nice. I always had my routine, always tried to sit outside in the sun with a coffee for a bit. I even walked a couple of times from the station to the hospital, which was meditative in a way.
Six weeks ago I wondered how I'd manage 28 rounds of radiation, just like I wondered how I'd ever survive chemo. But I did. I managed to embrace the entire ordeal once again, just like I managed to embrace the hospital, the staff there and a lot of other things.
Today was the final round. Another thing has come to an end. I have to let go of something that I started to get adjusted to once again.
A year ago I wanted to move the time forward, wanted it all to be over. And now the end is nearing and all I can do is cry. I still don't understand what happened this last year. I still can't fully comprehend the intensity of it all. Chemo became the new normal, just like radiation did. It's not normal to undergo those kind of treatments, but for some reason my mind can't wrap its head around it and accepted it as the new normal.
It's fascinating how you're able to adjust to whatever you're in, how you can grow fond of something that is so ugly and terrifying.
People congratulate me with the fact that radiation is now over and done with as well, that the end of everything is near. And I can't share in their excitement. Because I am scared. My life is not the same as it was before the cancer, and currently it's quite safe and simple. How can I adjust to a normal life again, and what is that? Who am I? What has happened? How can I even begin to truly feel the intensity of it all?
Seven more weeks of immune therapy and then it really is done. It's freaking me out so much and I can't even begin to explain to people why and how it feels. I feel weird about it, about myself, about feeling the way I do. I year ago I wanted nothing more than to get well again, and now I just find it so very difficult to let go of what was. Because...?
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