end of year meme

[prettygoodyear]

1. What did you do in 2018 that you'd never done before?

- Getting diagnosed with a severe depression. Last year it was sort of diagnosed by my house doctor, but I was in such a state of mind, that I didn’t want to take the antidepressants all by myself. Doctor would do a follow up, but it was mostly unmonitored. I’m also someone who doubts every diagnose and think they have it wrong. For instance, I kept on thinking they misdiagnosed my cancer, until the first chemo entered my body, and even then…

This year I was assigned to a mental health institution, where I got to see a psychiatrist (also a first), who, within 5 minutes of talking to me, told me she believed I had a severe depression. She even wanted me to be submitted, but that was something I really, really didn’t want.

- This has also been the year of real unemployment.

- Get group therapy. Something I feared a lot. It’s alright, I just don’t think it’s helping me much cause there is so much other stuff still inside me that is taken up so much space and energy. I don’t know.

- Doing voluntary work at my old school and also at the cancer aftercare centre.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

- As always: never make them, never keep them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

- no

4. Did anyone close to you die?

- Not really close, but a woman I met at art class this year at the aftercare centre for people with cancer, died two weeks ago. She was only 5 years older than me. During art class, I had to draw her, and she me. I felt comfortable around her. We shared the same humor. Via FB I read that the cancer had returned. And then that she had died.

5. What countries did you visit?

- Berlin, Germany. Ireland.

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?

- I’d still like to have myself back. Be okay with who I am and how things are. Accept that things may never get back too before the cancer. Accept that it’s real, and not just in my head. I’d love for me to be able to love myself again. I know this is something I’ve always struggled with, but for some reason it feels so much bigger now. I also want to be able to really, really, REALLY enjoy things again. Really feel it again. Because it’s still this numbness.

More Antoinette, but it’s very unlikely that’s going to happen.

7. What date from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Long weekend Berlin. I’ve never been there before, but it was more than I expected. I loved it there, a lot. It’s a beautiful city, with lots of history and I felt at home there.
Edit December 27th: today. Visiting the Top2000 cafe with my breast cancer buddy/ex-colleague. Was a very lovely experience. I'm super hyper from all the stimilus, but it finally was a day I sort of enjoyed myself.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I don’t feel like I accomplished much. I’ve taken my meds, and still take them. I didn’t take my own life, so that’s something. I’ve gone to therapy, and still am. I kept on breathing. Oh…but maybe, CLEANING ALL THE THINGS. I threw away so much stuff I didn’t need. Created a nice art room and my spare bedroom is now also calm and neat.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not working, not having a job. I feel like I fail at life so much. I downplay the depression a lot, just like I downplay the cancer. But it’s been 3,5 years since it all started and look where I am. People are dying of cancer who want to LIVE. And I fail to live a life.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

A severe depression. And in October of this year, when I was at the hospital for a follow up, they found another lump in my breast. Which was a scary few days, but it turned out to be nothing really. So that was a relief.

11.What was the best thing you bought?

Ticket/hotel Berlin. Art supplies.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Oh fuck. I don’t know. I’d love to say Antoinette, because she’s just a wonderful person, but we haven’t seen each other much this year.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My first psychiatrist, who was WONDERFUL. She could see through me, which I needed so much. I felt like I was finally going somewhere. And then out of the blue she told me she would be leaving. Something she’d known the entire time I was there, but she never mentioned it, even though one of the first things we talked about was my lack of trust I have in people because they always leave. It really fucked me up. Two weeks from now I’ll meet my THIRD psychiatrist and I am scared beyond anything. Anxiety is building again.

This year I also still felt very, very alone. For some reason the inner struggle I have, is something I can’t explain well enough to other people. Which makes me feel alienated. Makes me doubt myself a lot. But most of all makes me feel really alone and misunderstood.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Mortgage. Bills bills bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Nothing. I counted the weeks till the Ireland holiday, but the feeling of excitement wasn’t there. I am at a point in which I start to believe I’ll never get excited about anything anymore.

16. What song will always remind you of 2018?

The entire new album by Anouk. But especially Red Mij and Zwart is de Nacht.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?

Just like last year: I have no idea. Neither. Just more numb. Different at least. I hate this question.

ii. Thinner or fatter?

SO MUCH FATTER!!!!!! Fuck my life. Gaining all this weight is definitely not helping with feeling happy and okay with myself. I hate, hate, HATE that I gained all this weight and just not taking good care of myself.

iii. richer or poorer?

The sameish.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

More art. I made my own art room, I have all the things I need and yet I do nothing with it anymore. Again: not helping in feelings great about myself.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Bitching about everything, self loathing.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Ugh, Christmas. First day spent it with the family at my parents. We all cooked a course. I didn’t enjoy myself. I didn’t feel festive. I felt like I was the reason it all sucked. Even my nieces were too loud.

Second day my parents came over for a brunch. I felt like a complete disappointment there as well. Because my parents worry about me, and I feel like they feel like they have to tiptoe around me.

At night we went out for dinner. I didn’t feel ANYTHING. It all went in a rush as well, even though it probably didn’t. At home I cried a lot. For feeling like crap. For not feeling. For feeling like I’m just a bystander.

21. How will you be spending New Years?

Together with my parents I will stay in an apartment in the south.

22. Did you fall in love in 2018?

Ha. No. Will I ever?

23. How many one-night stands?

zero.

24. What was your favourite TV program?

The Good Fight. Bodyguard.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

I still don’t hate anyone.

26. What was the best book you read?

I have read 4 books this year, which is progress. One was a re-read, the rest new reads. I was disappointed that the 2 books in the Samual Johnson trilogy weren’t as good. I medium liked And The Ocean Was Our Sky

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Not really a discovery, but LOVED Anouks new album. Some songs really hit home.

28. What did you want and get?

Art supplies and a less cluttered house. Therapy.

29. What did you want and not get?

- better health

- love for myself

- those millions in lottery money

- more time with Antoinette

- helpful therapy

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

???

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I went to therapy. My parents came over at night and maybe we went out for dinner also?

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Feeling part of this world. Loving myself.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?

Casual. Mostly wore skirts/dresses. Mostly because I’m too fat for anything else.

34. What kept you sane?

Therapy. Though also not all the time. And Antoinette, even though I’ve not seen her much this year. But she somehow always makes things feel less dark, scary, insane.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

No one.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Brexit and Dumb Trump.

37. Who did you miss?

I missed myself. I missed the feeling of belonging. And Antoinette. I missed her a lot, and still do. But I’ve got therapy now so tell myself I have to let her go. But oh how I miss being in her presence. How I miss being seen and heard.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Art therapist. Took a while before we clicked, but when we finally did, it was nice.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018:

You can have had cancer, and be in remission, and thus having everything to be grateful for. And yet you can still fuck it all up. (same as last year)

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

you say you always wanted me to be proud of you, I always wanted that myself.