(no subject)

[prettygoodyear]

why fucking why is it so hard for me to just LIVE? Why can't i just be okay with who I am? Why can't I just accept myself? Why do I ALWAYS have to judge myself for the things I do or not do? Why can't I just switch a button in my stupid head? Why do I KNOW things but not FEEL them? I so admire those people who do their thing and not giving a damn about other people at all. I try to be like that, but I can't. Somehow this stupid bloody fucked mind of mine fucks it up ALL the bloody time! I try SO hard not to care about other peoples opinions, but it never seems to work. Why can't I just make it work? Why is there always this doubt? It seriously should be just as easy as 1, 2, 3 right? It has to be? Why does it feel like the hardest thing to do then? Why do I still keep on apologizing about my behavior? Why can't I just take this mask of and tell the world: "Hey, you know what: This is me. Don't like what you see? Piss off then!" Why do I still judge myself for all those things? It really shouldn't be that hard. It really shouldn't be that hard to be honest with yourself, right? Cause if you can't be honest with yourself, than you can't be honest with anything else either.

I try so hard to get to know myself better, to understand my reasons, to understand why I am who I am. And some days go better than others, but I'm impatient though. I wanna reach the final destination even before I have taken off. And I've been in this feeling for so long time, I just wanna move on. And I do notice the little steps I'm taking, it's just...i never find it enough. I still think I'm not trying hard enough.
So again...why can't I just be okay with myself? Why do I always live up to other peoples rules?
Maybe I should write down who I am, what i do, what i don't do, what I like, what I hate. So far not a single person on this planet, not even my own parent's know who I am for real. That says something right? They all think they know me, but they don't. We all have our own little secrets, but haha, I always showed myself off as someone I'm not. Try changing that behavior if you're used to doing it for 25 fucking years. Maybe it's really time I get honest with myself.
"Don't ever look up to anyone dear!" I've done that all my life, without even knowing I did. Where the hell did I ever get that weird idea from, that other people were better than me? Knew it all better? I don't know, but it's about time I stop this behavior. It's about time the world gets to know the real Nancy. Not just parts of it, no, the real Nancy for 100%.

It will take me forever I guess to get there, but I want it. I want to be able to say: "Fuck you all." I don't wanna feel guilty anymore when I do things or not do things other people take for granted. If I happen to be a messy person, than so it be. Why keep on apologizing to everybody? If i happen to dislike cooking, why keep on telling the world it's okay and i do my best? What for I ask you? It's just sad actually. If I dislike a person, why keep on telling everyone who likes them that i like that person too? If i happen to like something other people don't get, why the fuck should I keep mouth about it? There's only one me on this planet, but so far I've pretty much hidden her from the rest of the world. And maybe it's a shame actually...

[/ end of rant, lol]

Comments

[lilachaullie.livejournal.com]

It is a shame I mean I completely understand even down to the cooking part. I like to take part in eating and less in preparation. lol. But it seems like everyone around us is out for your breakdown. I feel that way all the time like there isn't a person on this planet who even could understand the inner lockings of my mind. Everyone's mind is different I don't care how much you have in common with someone everyone is a different kind of person. And some people are just narrow, they think everyone needs to be one way and since they didn't expirience the same feelings as you have than why should it bother? Well I think it bothers, I think our imaginations are becoming less and less these days and more set on ways that draw us back from being ourselves. I never had to worry about what my friends thought or had to feel guilty or anxious over my every word when I was sitting in my group of friends, my circle of friends. I was safe there, I was less tainted by the real world and all that society did not have to offer, life was as tough as they said it would be. But no one prepares you for feeling isolated from letting the real you out, the one who used to have a voice when it counted. It can be so hard sometimes.

[ex_prettygoodyear337]

All I know right now is that I'm sick of being told who to be and what to do.
I think I'll use these words as some kind of Mantra lol, keep on repeating them till I can dream them and breathe them in, haha. Maybe it will work. Maybe people will show off some respect for me too then.

But yeah...the isolated part is the hardest. At times I really have wondered what was wrong with me. Instead of wondering what was wrong with THEM...

Oh well, I'll get there, I'm sure!

Aw honey - I know what you mean.

[rabbits-keys.livejournal.com]

You know I know what you mean - and it sucks - no denying that. I hate always feeling like the me I am is not good enough for everyone. And I talk big - I say aw, fuck them, but when it comes down to it, I try to mold myself into whatever people think I should be - always looking to be accepted.

Hugs honey = ya know I love ya.

Re: Aw honey - I know what you mean.

[ex_prettygoodyear337]

I knew you would understand...shame eh Jamie? We should be each others therapists I think. *hugs*