Well I know it's just a spring haze

Last week at work wasn't my best week. The entire week consisted of important tests the students had to take. I entered the results into the computer and was told that a lot of students didn't make much progress since last year, or even fell behind. I felt like I failed. Being the person who already thinks she's a failure at life and constantly doubts herself, this entire event wasn't helping much either. I still experience anxiety over this, I feel stressed and my breathing isn't calm and relaxed. It's like I'm finally being exposed as someone who can't teach after years of pretending and hiding behind someone else. And while that may not be true, I somehow can't feel it differently. This is what I feared: failing. 
I try to control my breathing, calm myself, but it's not working so far. 

Last night I dreamt I was in Ireland, which was kinda obvious because of all the photos I had looked at before I went to sleep. In this dream I experienced blackouts. I was doing something in my dream I had wanted to do for a long time, felt good about and then all of a sudden I was back at the apartment. I remembered being in a boat, looking at the surrounding feeling excited and happy and then I was back at the apartment. And in my dream I thought: How did I end up back here? I was on a boat, I had to finish that journey for at least 1,5 hours, why can't I remember anything from it? And then a bit later I started to wonder what day it was, and couldn't remember at all and I freaked out because I was there for only a week and I was missing so many moments and then it turned out it was the day before I returned home and I had hardly any memories from my week there, just parts of it. 

I, obviously, feel like this dream is reflecting my state of mind perfectly. Chaos, not feeling on control of things etc...
And in real life I really want to run away from it all, which is an intens feeling, but once I experience this kind of stress, I want to run and not deal with it at all anymore, because I feel ashamed, a loser and am just scared people will find out I am a fraud. 

Yeah...issues much

Also back on antibiotics. Bladder infection was a constant factor in my life for weeks now, I even got used to it and thought the abnormalities were actually normal. Until I got backaches and other issues and the doctor told me I had a severe infection. Got ABs and have to return to his office on Monday to figure out what causes these endless infections. UGH! Acupuncture doesn't help, taking vitamins, cranberry pills etc...all don't work either. And these infections can be caused by so many things and often no one knows what does and you just have to live with it. Which I find difficult to do, obviously. Even my acupuncturist doesn't know why these infections keep coming back. Something is just not right down there. My anxiety/stress is not helping much either...

And so yeah...I just feel blegh right now, both mentally and physically. It will pass, but right now I want to hide from the world and just cut of body parts. 
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So, yeah, over 4 years ago I stepped on the scale and was shocked by the numbers it showed me. And decided to do something about it. For about 6 months I watched my food intake and tried to exercise more. It worked, I lost about 15 kilos. In the end I lost interest, lacked motivation and just gave up. 4 years on and I seem to have gain it all back, plus maybe more, I just don't dare to step on the scale. I just noticed my clothes don't fit me nicely anymore, or just don't fit at all. Sigh.

I've been struggling with body issues for as long as I can remember. In high school I wasn't really fat or overweight, but my mom thought I was in the danger zone and often pointed out my fatness. So, I always believed I was fat, even when I wasn't. In the end, when I moved out and started to live on my own, I gained a lot of weight. And I became overweight.

4 years ago I managed to lose those 15 kilos. I was still not slim, actually still overweight, but I at least managed to achieve something. And then I let it slip.

Lately I find that my weight is causing me issues I don't want to have: sweating after just riding my bike to school or the store, sweating when vacuuming, doing garden work etc…I even sweated last Monday when in Amsterdam, doing nothing much but walk around town. Yes, it was sunny and warm, but my mom and sister, who are both a healthy weight, didn't sweat. I also notice that my condition is pretty much not there. I ride my bike to everything since I can't drive a car, so I do get some kind of exercise, but it isn't a whole lot.

I want to lose weight. I want to feel healthy again. I also want to be able to fit into my old clothes. I want to look pretty again. I want to be able to have pictures taken of me that I don't dread so much because I just look fat (because I am).

This evening I stepped on the exercise bike again. The pedal broke off instantly, lol, so had to get that fixed first. But I did, and hopped on to the bike. And managed to only do a 18 minute workout. Burned about 180 calories. I don't want to give up and give in. I want to reach my goal weight, for once and for all. I don't want to achieve it quickly, but just like last time, about 0,5 - 1 kilo a week. I just don't want to give up. Or give in and eat all this crap I shouldn't be eating. I know I can do it, but I also know I am an easy target for giving up. I've started to eat healthy loads of times, for just a few days or weeks. And then something happened and I couldn't be bothered any more. It's my biggest fear: give up and give in, again. Lack the self-motivation.

I want to change my body, my life. Now if only I could quiet that voice within that tells me I should give up and give in.

I took a step today. A small one, but still, a step. Hopefully by the end of this year I've managed to keep up with it. I want to be able to really achieve something. I climbed that fucking mountain last year, with no condition whatsoever and I wanted to quit so badly, but didn't. I didn't give up and reached the top. I know I can do it, have it in me. I just need to get rid of that other voice!

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