![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prettygoodyearBeing ill is never fun. The last time I was ill for about a week before this cancer stuff, was when I was 13. So that's 23 years ago. I remember sleeping most throughout the day, and when I woke up the radio was on, always on the same channel, which gave some comfort. I remember the intense dreams as well at night and often the hallucinations, but it wasn't *that* bad.
Chemo changed it all. Chemo is, as I want to call it from now on, hell. Pure and simple. Yes, deep down I know it's there to help me get rid of the cancer, and that's something good, and important. But during chemo week, none of that matters. Because chemo is poison and it poisons everything. Throwing up, day after day, is hell. But not even the worst. The worst is the complete lack of appetite, a stomach that is constantly nagging you. Nothing tastes like anything anymore. And the mind...the emotional wreck I turn into after the chemo entered my body. It's sometimes fine for a few hours, sometimes even a couple of hours the day after, but soon it hits you and even though you've experienced it before, it's never the same. And I always think this time was the worst and it will never get better, ever. The meds you have to take to prevent side effects don't help much either in the sense of feeling well, and normal. I can't even properly put to words what chemo does to you and I think only people who've had chemo, will ever be able to understand. I hate it though. I've had 4 big rounds, and 1 small round so far and I dread the upcoming 5 big ones and 5 small ones. If there's a goal set in my life currently, it's to celebrate the moment the chemo has left my body. I don't even care about operation dates yet, when my body is telling me the chemo is on it's way out for good, I will celebrate, get away for a week to a nice place, no matter how little energy. I know I'm slowly getting there, but it's not getting close enough soon enough. I'm not even half way down. For the longest time I'd tried to stay positive about chemo, tried to see an upside, and of course there is one: tumor is shrinking, but the negative side effects are just too powerful for me to focus on that important aspect. Because every 3 week I'll get knocked out for 1,5 weeks, feel the worst, feel like dying and no matter what, I simply can't embrace that and I will no longer try. It will get better, eventually. I just wish there was an alternative to chemo, for anyone who ever needs cancer treatment, because chemo is really, really hell. And whoever managed to get through with it, is a surviver and a mighty strong person, no matter what others might say.
Getting chemo is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, ever. And sadly I will have to endure it for many more rounds.
Chemo changed it all. Chemo is, as I want to call it from now on, hell. Pure and simple. Yes, deep down I know it's there to help me get rid of the cancer, and that's something good, and important. But during chemo week, none of that matters. Because chemo is poison and it poisons everything. Throwing up, day after day, is hell. But not even the worst. The worst is the complete lack of appetite, a stomach that is constantly nagging you. Nothing tastes like anything anymore. And the mind...the emotional wreck I turn into after the chemo entered my body. It's sometimes fine for a few hours, sometimes even a couple of hours the day after, but soon it hits you and even though you've experienced it before, it's never the same. And I always think this time was the worst and it will never get better, ever. The meds you have to take to prevent side effects don't help much either in the sense of feeling well, and normal. I can't even properly put to words what chemo does to you and I think only people who've had chemo, will ever be able to understand. I hate it though. I've had 4 big rounds, and 1 small round so far and I dread the upcoming 5 big ones and 5 small ones. If there's a goal set in my life currently, it's to celebrate the moment the chemo has left my body. I don't even care about operation dates yet, when my body is telling me the chemo is on it's way out for good, I will celebrate, get away for a week to a nice place, no matter how little energy. I know I'm slowly getting there, but it's not getting close enough soon enough. I'm not even half way down. For the longest time I'd tried to stay positive about chemo, tried to see an upside, and of course there is one: tumor is shrinking, but the negative side effects are just too powerful for me to focus on that important aspect. Because every 3 week I'll get knocked out for 1,5 weeks, feel the worst, feel like dying and no matter what, I simply can't embrace that and I will no longer try. It will get better, eventually. I just wish there was an alternative to chemo, for anyone who ever needs cancer treatment, because chemo is really, really hell. And whoever managed to get through with it, is a surviver and a mighty strong person, no matter what others might say.
Getting chemo is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, ever. And sadly I will have to endure it for many more rounds.
 | Tags: |