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prettygoodyear This rollercoaster is quite intense actually. To not feel ill, being able to continue doing what you always did, and the notion that you've got fucking cancer is so weird. Three weeks on and I still don't think all of this is really happening, even while undergoing all the tests etc...People ask me how I am and I respond with the answer that I am actually doing fine. Which it feels like, because it feels like nothing is wrong.
But it's constantly inside my head, the first thought I have when I wake up, is "Oh fuck, I've got cancer." I feel like life is passing me by, while I enjoy a lot of it, I don't fully take part in it somehow.
There's also a tremendous feeling of guilt towards my parents, who've been nothing but supportive. It feels wrong somehow for them to take care of me. They go to all appointments with me, because they want to, but I don't want them to feel they have to. And at the same time I need them. And jesus fuck, the emotional rollercoaster is just so intense at times. There's a feeling of guilt because in a way I feel like I got ill on purpose, which is an insane, batshit thought, but yeah. I can't even explain it well, not even to myself, what this feeling is.
At times though I feel so normal, and yet I don't. I can't imagine what will all be waiting for me these next couple of months, and maybe that's self-preservation as well. But up and down it goes.
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/291532.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
But it's constantly inside my head, the first thought I have when I wake up, is "Oh fuck, I've got cancer." I feel like life is passing me by, while I enjoy a lot of it, I don't fully take part in it somehow.
There's also a tremendous feeling of guilt towards my parents, who've been nothing but supportive. It feels wrong somehow for them to take care of me. They go to all appointments with me, because they want to, but I don't want them to feel they have to. And at the same time I need them. And jesus fuck, the emotional rollercoaster is just so intense at times. There's a feeling of guilt because in a way I feel like I got ill on purpose, which is an insane, batshit thought, but yeah. I can't even explain it well, not even to myself, what this feeling is.
At times though I feel so normal, and yet I don't. I can't imagine what will all be waiting for me these next couple of months, and maybe that's self-preservation as well. But up and down it goes.
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/291532.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
