Who we are
18 April 2016 17:15 When I got diagnosed with cancer, I thought everything would change. And by everything I mean 'me'. I thought that now would be the time I would be able to just be me, be happy with myself, stand my ground etc...
Things have indeed changed, I have learned, for instance, that I am a lot tougher than I thought I was, that I am not a quitter, and that I'm more positive than I believed I was.
What hasn't changed, is that I still find it extremely difficult to be honest with the outside world. I still hold back a lot. I still want others to feel comfortable, over my own well being. I don't want to take up too much space, because others deserve it more, somehow.
When I landed in the ER back in November, I cried and when the nurse asked why, I told her I felt so out of place there. I didn't belong there, used up time and space other people deserved more. She told me I have cancer, that's not a light illness. They get paid to help me and also, better be safe, than sorry. Of course she was right, and yet...I still feel this way. When I was submitted to the hospital I was angry mostly, but also still felt I didn't belong there. I shared a room with a man who also had cancer, but could not be cured. Whenever people tell me I had it rough with the chemo I nod, agree even, but always think it could have been worse. It wasn't so bad. It was, but I still think other have it worse than me.
Whenever my blood levels drop, I blame it on myself. I fail I did something wrong. Antoinette, my oncology nurse, has told me several times I'm not to blame and yet I still do.
Currently I'm in between chemo and the operation. My mind is working overtime. I try to feel, to understand, but it's too much. I sometimes try to express myself, but often hold back. Because I don't want to burden people, but also because I feel they don't always understand.
I'm longing for a meeting with Antoinette again, because she is the one person who makes things feel less harsh. But I don't ask for it. Because I don't know if I'm allowed, I don't want to take up space others might need, I don't want to disappoint. And also because I'm not the only person dealing with this illness, so shut the fuck up, basically.
I'm more aware of this now, but to change it? I called the hospital this afternoon to ask about the iron transfusion. Calling them made me feel nervous, because "oh good god, there we have another person bothering us". Then I was told they planned me next Monday at 8:30. A whole week away and early as well. My mom told me to call back, ask for other options. It took all the courage I had, because again, didn't want to bother anyone, didn't want to be 'that person'. Taking up my own space was difficult before the cancer and I thought cancer would change it all. But of course it didn't. When will I learn?
Things have indeed changed, I have learned, for instance, that I am a lot tougher than I thought I was, that I am not a quitter, and that I'm more positive than I believed I was.
What hasn't changed, is that I still find it extremely difficult to be honest with the outside world. I still hold back a lot. I still want others to feel comfortable, over my own well being. I don't want to take up too much space, because others deserve it more, somehow.
When I landed in the ER back in November, I cried and when the nurse asked why, I told her I felt so out of place there. I didn't belong there, used up time and space other people deserved more. She told me I have cancer, that's not a light illness. They get paid to help me and also, better be safe, than sorry. Of course she was right, and yet...I still feel this way. When I was submitted to the hospital I was angry mostly, but also still felt I didn't belong there. I shared a room with a man who also had cancer, but could not be cured. Whenever people tell me I had it rough with the chemo I nod, agree even, but always think it could have been worse. It wasn't so bad. It was, but I still think other have it worse than me.
Whenever my blood levels drop, I blame it on myself. I fail I did something wrong. Antoinette, my oncology nurse, has told me several times I'm not to blame and yet I still do.
Currently I'm in between chemo and the operation. My mind is working overtime. I try to feel, to understand, but it's too much. I sometimes try to express myself, but often hold back. Because I don't want to burden people, but also because I feel they don't always understand.
I'm longing for a meeting with Antoinette again, because she is the one person who makes things feel less harsh. But I don't ask for it. Because I don't know if I'm allowed, I don't want to take up space others might need, I don't want to disappoint. And also because I'm not the only person dealing with this illness, so shut the fuck up, basically.
I'm more aware of this now, but to change it? I called the hospital this afternoon to ask about the iron transfusion. Calling them made me feel nervous, because "oh good god, there we have another person bothering us". Then I was told they planned me next Monday at 8:30. A whole week away and early as well. My mom told me to call back, ask for other options. It took all the courage I had, because again, didn't want to bother anyone, didn't want to be 'that person'. Taking up my own space was difficult before the cancer and I thought cancer would change it all. But of course it didn't. When will I learn?
