I got a full time teaching job offered to me last Friday at the school I am currently teaching. Next year the three higher classes will all have 33 kids or more in their classes. That's just a bit much, especially with all the administration tasks that need to be done. One of the options is that we, temporarily, add another class, so that each class will only have about 23 kids, which is a lot more doable. Apparently this option turned out to be a realistic one and my boss asked me last Friday if I was still up for having my own class.
Now, when I started this job 11,5 years ago, I was only too happy not to have my own class fulltime. I was way too insecure about myself and was happy to be teaching 3 different classes, sharing responsibilities with other people. I also never worked fulltime, basically because the hours offered to me in the beginning were only for 4 days, but eventually I also didn't want to work more hours, cause teaching 3 different classes asked a lot of me. So much so even, that 2 years ago I even decided to drop 1 class and only teach for 3 days. It gave me less stress.
Eventually though the safeness of sharing the responsibilities and a classroom started to wear off. More and more often I felt I couldn't do my own thing enough. When we had parent meetings, I often held back a lot because I didn't feel secure enough in front of my colleague. What also started to bother me more and more, was that my colleague would often do things without talking to me first about it. She would often change the classroom without asking me about it. All little things that made me realise more and more that I longed for my own class: to be able to do my own thing, set up my own rules.
So, when the question was asked this Friday, I answered I'm seriously considering it. But of course I find it terrifying. Because a big part of me is still so insecure and doubts herself so very much, still. But I think I need to take another step, let go of the safeness. I need to remind myself that this decision isn't forever, I could at least try it, for a year or so. And if teaching fulltime is really too much for me, I could always take a step back. But I think I really need to do this, if only to show myself that I have so much more in me than I give myself credit for.
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Now, when I started this job 11,5 years ago, I was only too happy not to have my own class fulltime. I was way too insecure about myself and was happy to be teaching 3 different classes, sharing responsibilities with other people. I also never worked fulltime, basically because the hours offered to me in the beginning were only for 4 days, but eventually I also didn't want to work more hours, cause teaching 3 different classes asked a lot of me. So much so even, that 2 years ago I even decided to drop 1 class and only teach for 3 days. It gave me less stress.
Eventually though the safeness of sharing the responsibilities and a classroom started to wear off. More and more often I felt I couldn't do my own thing enough. When we had parent meetings, I often held back a lot because I didn't feel secure enough in front of my colleague. What also started to bother me more and more, was that my colleague would often do things without talking to me first about it. She would often change the classroom without asking me about it. All little things that made me realise more and more that I longed for my own class: to be able to do my own thing, set up my own rules.
So, when the question was asked this Friday, I answered I'm seriously considering it. But of course I find it terrifying. Because a big part of me is still so insecure and doubts herself so very much, still. But I think I need to take another step, let go of the safeness. I need to remind myself that this decision isn't forever, I could at least try it, for a year or so. And if teaching fulltime is really too much for me, I could always take a step back. But I think I really need to do this, if only to show myself that I have so much more in me than I give myself credit for.
This entry was originally posted at http://prettygoodyear.dreamwidth.org/274384.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
